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Can't believe I need to post this...(424 Posts)
I am not new to Mumsnet although I have created a new account for this as I couldn't work out how to NC.
I need advice desperately and I cant speak to anyone in RL. Apologies if this turns out to be long.
On Saturday my H kept disappearing off for periods of time (he did this twice) for about 15/20 mins. We were sat in the garden having a drink with friends and the kids were playing out as it was a lovely evening.
I needed the loo so went upstairs and as I passed the bedroom I noticed something flashing under our bed & it was an old laptop. I opened it up an internet tab was open so I clicked on it and there in front of me was a profile on a gay mans website called 'cottaging' - at first I was confused then I looked closer and realised that it was my H profile and had pics of him, (not his face but I obviously know his body parts) and there was messages from people to him - in my shock I didnt take in what they said but one said I think "yeah I remember, I am away at the moment though" and another that said "I am going to have a nice w%%% over that tonight" or words to that effect. I think I just froze. I read his profile (feck I cant believe I am typing this and it stated things like his preferences and that he couldn't accommodate due to wife and could meet .
I then heard him shouting me and him coming upstairs and I just stood there looking at the laptop in shock and thinking this cant be happening to me. He then was like "what are you doing, babe thats nothing" and was all these excuses coming out of this mouth and I just dont remember what he was saying.....
I asked him what was going on and amongst other things he said its just a cheap thrill and nothing happens and its when he is 'fucked up' meaning drink that he has gone on there - I asked how many times he said the week prior when I was out with colleagues as he 'was pissed off that I went out' (TBH he never likes it if I go out! he is always off!) and that he was doing it to find us someone to have some fun with (WTF this means i dont know as I have NEVER expressed an interest in that kind of stuff!!!!)
Over the next few hours he said all sorts ranging from he was up there trying to delete profile and that the laptop takes ages to come on hence him being away so long to it being because I never want sex!! I then notice there were sent messages so went to read them and he snatched laptop off me and said no - and then destroyed laptop! I asked for the log in details which he refused to give me saying constantly nothing to worry about and that he is embarrassed etc and doesn't want me to see and its never gonna happen again.
There is prob more but I cant type for crying - just need advice?! Wise MN tell me what you think?! To me even if he didn't meet anyone the INTENT was there so that's bad enough....he has grovelled loads and said he promises there is nothing so asked him to give me the log in details and prove but he says we can discuss later...?! Sorry if any typos
If he got rid of the laptop (how?) he did meet them. And more.
going to be blunt.
He is lying through his teeth.
He hasn't stumbled across it he's actively cheating, likely with other men.
Who do you have irl who you can get support from?
I'm sorry this happened to you.
If I were you, my marriage would be over and he would be out of the house.
Sorry to say it, but your husband is either gay or bi. But either way sounds like he is being unfaithful
He is cheating. And risking your sexual health too.
See a solicitor.
I'm sorry but he has definitely been meeting men for sex. He is cheating on you and hiding the fact he is at least bisexual, if not gay. I'm so so sorry but I think you know what MN will say.
I'm not sure what the question is. Your husband is unfaithful to you and is either gay or bi.
Of these things there is no doubt. It's your decision if you wish to stay in a marriage with him knowing this.
So very sorry this has happened to you.
I would tell him to move out, at the very least now you need time and space away from him. I would at some point in the near future seek legal advice re separation and divorce.
What real life support can you access now?. Do you have a reliable and trusted close friend here?.
He is a gay man who has lied repeatedly to both himself and to you as his wife about his sexual orientation. You've been his beard, his respectable side of family life.
Well regardless of whether they were men or women, your DH is a cheat and he has totally destroyed your marriage. I personally could never come back from this (I say this as someone who found out an ex was gay and broke off all contact immediately).
Also, destroying the laptop???? What on earth was on there? Please find someone IRL - a counsellor or a person who you trust this morning to talk this through with.
I totally feel for you - I will never forget the day I found out about my ex - and that was over 25 years ago!!!
Op I’m not sure if you can or want to come back from this. He has been meeting men for Sex. He was so arrogant he didn’t even have a cover story hence the constant change in his tune! I would ask him to leave while you work out what this means and what you want. So sorry
OP get tested for STDs asap. He's gay and he's probably been shagging men for some time.
I'm so sorry. See a counsellor....this is terrible.
Thanks for all the replies.
Fuck. I know what you are all saying and I hear you, my mind is racing with stuff like "what if its just a weird fantasy and he has literally just done it a few times?" (as in go online) but then its like why did his profile read the way it did. God I want to read those sent messages so bad.
He would show me wouldn't he if there was nothing to worry about?!
I'm sorry, but he's only grovelling because he has been caught.
He has been cheating (hence him destroying the laptop) and with other men. So he's either gay or bi.
But whatever his preference, he has been cheating on you. On that basis alone I would end the marriage immediately. And please get yourself tested for STIs.
So sorry, must be one hell of a shock.
Yes of the messages were innocent fantasy he would have showed them to you.
You do not really need to see further messages and you cannot unsee what you have already seen here. You know what you saw and now he has destroyed his laptop. His repeated denials in themselves are damning in their own right.
He needs to leave the marital home asap if he has not already left.
I will get tested, defo.
Thing is he NEVER goes anywhere without me other than work. So unless he has been meeting men (agghhhh feel sick typing this at the thought of him with anyone!) in his lunch then I dont know when?
He drinks too much, always has & I know in the past he has taken drugs so this is adds up when he said 'when I am f8cked up'
I need to find someone to tell in real life. Jesus christ.
Oh my love you poor thing ☹️
* He would show me wouldn't he if there was nothing to worry about?!*
Take a step back - what could he possibly have written to people on a cottaging (meeting men for sex) site that you wouldn't worry about?
He's lied and minimised and lied more, now he's starting the gaslighting by acting as if you're overreacting. If anything you're underreacting.
I can't believe he even said he was trying to find someone for you both to have fun with! If he had made a horrible mistake and got caught up in something I'd have expected him to have absolutely broken down and beg for forgiveness, not make this into your problem.
I'm sorry but I think it's already over and if you stay together your self confidence will take such a nosedive it will be harmful to your mental health long term.
Aw what a shock. But yes, it seems he is closeted and has been exploring behind your back. It's pretty common I think.
Maybe telling someone would help right now. In the short term don't expect it to go away and don't expect him to admit. Expect him to deny. Hence some time apart may be for the best till the shock sinks in. He's naughty because he deliberately chose to go online thinking you were occupied downstairs and yet now it's nothing? I think also that he is out of order getting annoyed when you go out. Seems like a bit of transference to me....
Until you find someone in real life, phone The Samaritans. They aren't just there for suicidal people.
Yes I was going to say the Samaritans too op - they are there for support. Until you want to talk to a friend or family member,
I keep questioning things in my head and wondering - I mean IF it is a fantasy and he has literally joined it to get cheap thrills then why not share that with me now? I've said to him embarrassment or not if that's all it is then show me as that way he can prove to me that its just that. But no he says its nothing and I am overreacting. I remember his profile name just cant get in, cant even make up a dummy profile to go on and see as its an 'invite only' site so god knows how he got on....?! Clearly he must have resurrected an old account or know someone?!
Who do you go to get STD checks these days?!
We have a DC together, I need to ask him to go and stay elsewhere. Why has he done this to me?! What's wrong with me?!
There's not a thing wrong with you,love. There's also nothing wrong with a gay or bisexual man but it IS wrong when he's in a straight relationship with a wife and he is having sex on the side behind her back!
You want to talk to someone? Find a friend or the samaritans and then speak with a STI nurse and a solicitor.
He made choices to cheat otherwise he wouldn't have destroyed the laptop
So sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like he's been up to much more than just sending messages and pics. For me just that would be enough to leave my husband, whether it's men or women. It sounds like he's potentially been messaging to arrange to meet, hence the extreme reaction destroying the laptop.
Get yourself tested and some real life support if you feel you can tell someone close or like others have suggested phone samaritans.
Nothing's wrong with you. He's attracted to men and has decided to explore that, in spite of his supposed commitment to you and the child you had together. You didn't make him gay, OP.
The next while is going to be really hard, but it will get better, and will not be nearly as sad and awful for you as continuing to live a lie would be.
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