really need help - money issues wrecking marriage

[cometotheendoftheroad]

I have had such an awful morning I have been struggling to hold it together today at work. I am a name changer - I hate doing it but so many people know my business I just want this to be private.
DH earns well - most of it go to his DC from previous marriage. They are teens and have been, quite rightly, kept in the style to which they were accustomed, which includes some of the best schools in the UK.
For our 7 year marriage I have worked like a Donkey and saved and budgeted to fund my own lifestyle which I have done v successfully. SCs Mother has not contributed at all over the years and still has no job which angers me greatly as she is capable of doing something now tbh, which means DHs payments have not diminished at all. However there is F all I can do about that so I just accept it as gracefully as I can.
I pay a large chunk of our large Mortgage and also have 10 month DS. I am back to work P/T and a relative v kindly looks after him free of charge. I fund everything to do with DS and also cover household bills. The other day DH made a comment that I contribute a "minimal" amount, he was half serious and it was a very off the cuff remark. He also makes comments about me not buying food. I just broke down when he said it. It was so insulting to me to hear him disregard everything I have done over the years.
I then said that if my contribution is so negligable, I would actually like to stop contributing to the mortgage after 7 years, as I really want to save for the future and do a course to further my career and he has accused me of not being "a team" with him and is extremely disgusted at me. I am just in shock. I wrote him an email (I hate to argue as DS picks up on it immediately) saying that I am devestated at the way he is treating me, but he is adamant that I am being unreasonable and he says I can't stop my contribution. From what I have said in this post - I know it is really hard to judge a whole relationship by this - please tell me your thoughts, I feel shell-shocked that money could possibly be the end of my marriage.

[fawkeoff]

i really feeel for you at the moment, i feel it is totally out of order for him to disregard the contribution that you make to ur family.....if i were u you i would remind him that his other childrens mother is absolutely taking the piss and sitting on her arse because she expects him to foot the bill for everything.....and at least your actually paying for things.

[cometotheendoftheroad]

thanks F - so you think I am reasonable in my request? I just feel so s*, I think we may split up over this and i don't know what to do....

[fawkeoff]

i think u need to sit him down when dc has gone to bed and let him know how hurt u r by his attitude and disregard to ur contributions.......if u dont have it out with him then u will just let it eat at u

[Gizmo]

Knowledge is power, CTTEOTR. Do you know how much your typical monthly outgoings are? And what percentage of that you meet?

Taking my relationship as an example, if you were paying utilities, council tax, say 33% of mortgage and everything to do with children (clothes, toys, trips etc) you'd be contributing 30-40% of our domestic budget. No-one in their right mind can describe that as a minimal amount. So I'd be worrying (as you seem to be) about the issues of respect and power that this is bringing up. Do you know how your DH feels about his first wife not contributing financially? Did she contribute at all while they were married?

[cometotheendoftheroad]

god thank-you I am not going mad.
It is not a maintainance payment as such - more a verbal agreement of what he will cover and it's a lot of money. His X did a bit of freelance beauty therapy work which brought in enough to keep her a Gucci handbags every so oftern - he was covering everything when he was married to her. He says not to compare which I understand but why am I the work horse when all I want to do is furtehr my career through this course. He says it is disgraceful of me and I am not being a team and the marriage is over if I stop payments. Maybe he was not 100% serious but I had to leave for work.
I am devestated and so tired - I don't get any hep with night feeds / early mornings. Sometimes I wish it could be over as it just seems I am covering all my and DS expenses - he earns well as I said and covers the largest chunk of the Mort. but this surely shouldn't give him the right to treat me like this...

[Gizmo]

So, is the problem here that actually you would really like to stop contributing to the mortgage and he won't let you?

Or is the problem that he was offensive about the amount you contribute in the first place?

[cometotheendoftheroad]

both gizmo

[fawkeoff]

why shouldnt u compare??????????,if its all about being a team then he would never have said such a demeaning thing to would he???????.he is a tosser for making u feel like this and i really think u should tell him how u feel about it.is he not disregarding ur relationship by handing wads of cash to x wife while she sits on her arse and laffs as the money rolls in????????

[alipigwidgeon]

I can totally understand how you feel. His X should be at work, I can understand him paying for his children, but does it have to be private schools???? There should be a proper maintenance agreement in place. You are also his family and he should appreciate all the effort you've put in to have a great lifestyle too.

[Gizmo]

Because he can't have it both ways, can he?

He can't claim your contribution is effectively worthless and then go off on one because you think there are other ways you can spend it.

If I had to guess, it sounds as if he's had his fingers burnt by ex and is now deeply suspicious of being financially taken advantage of. Which is a rather unattractive feature: financially suspicious and ungenerous people often drive their spouses to secretive behaviour.

But if it is that, there are ways of talking to him that might get the point across that actually there are some things in a family that are worth making a joint investment in. Like children, for example...

[meandmy]

i feel for you talk to your dh make him understand you are being serious about how you are feeling!

[cometotheendoftheroad]

he covers the housing and schools for his children and I repeat it is an extremely hight amount of money - they board at one of the most exclusive schools in the UK. Ex has re-married.
My parents have helped with our costs/car/ house maintainance etc ...I am beginning to think I have been taken advantage of

[fawkeoff]

i think he is a complete shit.......do not stand for this...........im sure the ex wifes new hubby isnt sacrificing like u do is he..........seems like everyones getting what they want but u.

[cometotheendoftheroad]

I have my Baby F - that is what he says when I complain...I feel you have a point there Gizmo

[Gizmo]

Hmmm.

Remember, money is often a proxy for other issues in a marriage. In this case, it sounds like you've had a really sudden argument over what is, effectively, the power balance in your relationship. You want to do something with your life, your DH doesn't want to let you. This is incredibly frustrating - almost putting you in a childlike position.

But for your DH, money might be about his independence, his ability to keep a woman close, oh all sorts of stuff. And the fact his previous wife is taking the p*ss a bit must be making him very worried about what happens if he contributes, even indirectly, to your goals...

[cometotheendoftheroad]

Gizmo you are very helpful to me - gosh i have become v emotional at your comments

[MitfordSisters]

Hi ctteoftr

(((hug))) to you.

Do you think that the proposal of ceasing to pay a chunk of the mortgage has touched a nerve in him. Why might that be?

He probably DOES value the fact that you have a career and contribute to the household, but perhaps has an underlying belief that he has to provide for everyone, and your suggestion has scared him that he may have to do it all for you and your DS too?

I'm not suggesting that you should not further your career by getting more training, but think if this is the answer right now?? Sounds like you could just take it down a gear or two, not ramp up the pressure with extra study and financial pressure.

Not trying to dissuade you, just playing devil's advocate.

He will have fears that you can help him with - if he is talking about you as 'the team', then you can afford to be optimistic. How can you work things out as a team. Maybe you need to trim the budget and perhaps that means hard words for the ex-wife not youXX

[Gizmo]

'you have baby f'

Gosh, well that comment makes me personally rather but is also interesting, isn't it? Kids are the women's toys and get taken away when the women don't want to share, even if dad is paying for them...so from his point of view you can see it might not be it's not logical for dad to shell out again for something that can be taken away so easily.

How close is his relationship with his older children?

[Gizmo]

Oh, I'm sorry if this hurts...I'm sure it can be fixed, honest

[cometotheendoftheroad]

thank-you MS you have a valid point about taking on too much - that is a bad trait of mine but I have to cover myself and all eventualities for my DS

Gizmo - loving, but not close

[Uetli]

Second Gizmo's comments. Is DH usually a good guy, if so, question is to look deeper at what's going on with the money thing and have an open and honest conversation about the whole thing. You say in OP that his comment was half joking. Yes still as hurtful but: different in intention maybe than if he had been deadly serious. money is such an emotive issue for so many people but the trick is to understand what it's bringing up.

Ps surprised by the people on here saying he's a complete shit etc. based on not knowing the full picture. Fair enough empathise, but encouraging "all men are bastards" mentality surely not most productive?

[caroline3]

This is typical second wife territory: obviously your dh is being bled dry in maintenance payments and this is in his mind the whole time.

The good thing is that the kids are presumably teenagers now and will be off his hands in the next five or six years ?? Clearly your contribution is not negligable as your dh values it so much.

I don't think this should be the end of the marriage, see it as a result of the financial pressure that his ex has put him under. Any talk of giving up work etc will really panic him as this is what his money grabbing ex has done. I think you need to talk to dh explain how much you love him and want marriage to last etc. Much of the frustration is concerned with his ex's refusal to work but this should unite you rather than divide you. He in turn needs to admit that you do make a big contribution to the marriage, sometimes a few hundred a month can make the difference between being able to pay the mortgage or not.