Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Can I do this all by myself?(36 Posts)
Hi, well this is a follow on from my thread 'divorce solicitor advice needed'. One because it's become a much bigger topic and two because I have a feeling HE is checking on my internet activity - perhaps with a spyware programme or keylogger or something. Anyway, I don't want him to know my every move so I'm now on a public computer in a play area.
Anyway, meeting with solicitor went well. He is drawing up papers for the injunction and I have to go in tomorrow and sign them and then they will be faxed to the courts. The hearing hopefully will be next week. Problem is, although it's likely I will be granted the injunction, it's unlikely it will take effect immediately so I'm going to have to face him at home before he moves IF it's granted. If it's not, I'm going to have to take the kids and run. I've cited his inappropriate behaviour with my oldest daughter, as well as his looking at porn in front of DD2 in addition to his general nasty behaviour. Like last night, he shouted 'The kids have got effing mouths in their heads...they should use them' because they wanted to come in the kitchen but he was there and they didn't know what to do. I was in the middle of cooking their dinner and he muscled in and started cooking his own, making it impossible for me to feed the kids before 6.45pm! It's just an unbearable situation and I've started the whole waking up and throwing up thing that preceeded us moving into the refuge last time. I can't live like this.
I dialled 999 this morning to check if it still works as he's blocked outgoing calls. It does, so I explained to the operater and he was fine.
Social services, on the other hand, have astounded me yet again. I called the new social worker today to tell him that an injunction is being applied for and he said 'ok, well let me know how it goes then'. I told him how scared I was about H's reaction and he said 'well if he kicks off, call the police'. This was followed by 'good luck'! Chocolate radiator comes to mind!!!
Anyway, I won't be able to update as often as I won't use the PC at home but I'll try and keep you informed.
He sounds really bad. You are being really strong.Im not surprised that physically you are being so affected, poor soul.
Good your solicitor is good and at social worker -cant beleive this. i dont know what to say!
One thing is I had never heard of narcissism before and I think my mother is one so you have helped me a lot by pointing this out believe you me!
Will keep on here when I can but will be away with said mother - hmmm - from this Friday to Monday 6 August.
Take care of yourself and DCs
But could you tell the neighbour you are worried and about the blocked phone and could she look out for you.Also that just doing injunction etc . Would that help you?
would it be worth discussing with a police officer......
i really feel for you,
hope things get better soon
How are you doing? Assuming all is just about ok but you're just not going on line at the moment.
I have never been through this so don't know the answers, but wanted to wish you the very best of luck. Will be thinking of you.
I can sympathise with your situation, i want to share some things with you, you will probably already be doing this stuff, but here goes??
i think its worth telling as many people as possible about your situation, as many neighbours, friends, people on MN. And if its possible it would be better if HE knew that lots of other people know the situation and will be checking on you.
Always carry a mobile with you, sleep with it next to your bed (or hidden in your clothes). set it to vibrate so he doesnt hear it ring & try to take it from you (you can always ring people back). Text friends details of anything he does to you, so that people know whats going on. If you have to go anywhere with him always have enough money with you for the journey back by public transport, as journeys with an abusive partner are often flash points.
Partners/husbands and ex-partners/husbands are the number 1 source of death and injury to women in this country... so obviously partners and Exs are the FIRST people who are questioned by police, they are always number 1 priority suspects.....if he knows that HE will be number 1 suspect and he wont get away with hurting you that may make him think twice.
I made my vile parasite husband aware that if he did anything to me he was going down and wouldnt get custody of kids either since he would wind up in prison. It has made hiim think twice and back off. If you find it difficult to have such a conversation you could do what i did: I brought up the subject by discussing a TV murder mystery (CSI) and saying "its the husband, the police always investigate the husband first, they are always number 1 suspect, cos it usually turns out that they are guilty".
Best of luck to you and your DCs, for a happy future
short answer is yes, i raised 3 kids myself and i'm a fella.
admit to being more than a little apprehensive at first but just took it as it happened. ten years on and theyre still here .
just get out asap and always watch your back - and the kids'. who knows how he'll take it.
wish you the best of futures
Ok, I know I said I would only use public pc's from now on, in case he is monitoring things, but I am in need of advice ASAP. This is going to sound far fetched, but believe me it's all too real and I'm worried sick.
H has a friend (actually his only one) who is on the run from a bloke who is threatening to kill him. Not an idle threat, as this bloke apparently beat this friend (we'll call him X) up a few weeks ago in the pub where X and his gf work. This bloke has apparently been having an affair with Xs gf. Now, it also transpires that this bloke has a gun, as he showed up at the pub a while ago and asked X to hide the gun for him!!!!! (before he beat him up). So, X is now on the run and in hiding at H's Mother's house a couple of hundred miles away. This bloke is calling X on his mobile and still issuing these threats, and is apparenlty looking for him. I have no idea what went on, or who is to blame, or what is behind it all. A few weeks ago, X was also stabbed in the chest with a samurai sword - missing his heart by an inch and a half - by his gf's son. Not sure if it's related or not. X is also an alcoholic.
So...H wants to take DD2, aged 3, up to see his mother and X next weekend!!!!! I don't want him taking her anywhere, but this is a whole new ballgame isn't it? I mean, what if this bloke tracks X down and shows up there with a gun when DD2 is there? I know it's a million to one chance but WTF???? Is it me being paranoid? I don't think so. When I said that I didn#'t think it was appropriate for DD2 to have to go and sit with an alcoholic depressive H said 'well he has no money so he won't be able to get any drink. He'll be sober'...but surely that brings it's own problems? if he can't get alcohol he'll be going through the DT's. I can't believe H is willing to put DD2 through this. My solicitor told me last week that although I shouldn't let DD2 go anywhere with H. he is doing nothing wrong by taking her and I have no legal standing on it so wTF do I do?
SingleDad...the title of the thread is probably misleading...I have no qualms about being a single Mum; I'd welcome it actually as the last 4 years have been hell on earth. My kids and I have been to hell and back many times so despite me not having a ,lot of money we'd be rich in freedom if that makes sense? What I meant was, could I do all of this...the injunction, the divorce, the fight that will ineviatably come, without any support? I have no one to help me or prop me up and it's getting tougher to do. H was away all weekend and it was blissful, although still a bit edgy as he still managed to keep some level of control over us by saying he might be back Saturday or he might be back Sunday...so every time a car door slammed me and the kids would be nervous. But Friday night was heavenly - we watched tv in the living room (something we can't do as he 'has' the living room and telly and we have to make do with the tiny portable in the kitchen) and had a noisy dinner with lots of laughing etc. What most people would call normality.
Without sounding patronising, I do admire you, as I admire any single parent. But men in general get a bad press when so many fathers just walk away (or put their children in danger!) so men like you give us disillusioned ladies hope!
Bumping as I am really really worried about thuis latest development and need some advice quickly. Didn't sleep a wink last night and was sick this morning (again).
Also, H has told X to use OUR address for opening new bank accounts and for any mail etc. Is it just me or is this putting me and my children at huge risk here? if this bloke who is after X has a gun and is the sort of bloke who issues death threats (and beleive me X takes it seriously...he has left behind his home, his job, his family...everything) then he is surely the sort of bloke who has contacts all over the place and would be able to track down this information. So what's to stop this bloke turning up here, assuming X is living here as he's using this address, and putting the fear of God into the kids and me, at the very least?
Don't get me wrong...I feel for X as it must be awful living like this but my priority is my kids. X is an adult and not my responsibility. I actually like X, so am not being vindictive or bloody minded here.
speak to your solicitor again. If it were me I would seriously just take the dc away just before he plans to go see his mother. I know it's difficult because you have no momey but I don't know what else to suggest?
Inform your solicitor, your social worker and the police of the latest developments. THey need to get you to a place of safety or that man out of the house.
Hi, just heard back from the solicitor and they are serving H with the injunction papers tonight, and the hearing is on Thursday morning. I am s*ing myself, truly. He has no idea that I have applied for this. Regards the visit to his Mother; the solicitor said that at the end of the day it's only hearsay as I have no proof, but I argued that if it's not true then it is mental abuse as he is putting me through a massive amount of worry and stress by telling me all this anyway, so either way it's all twisted and wrong. He said that I have adequate grounds for the injunction anyway, without the latest thing. This is a bloody nightmare.
Madamez/Cargirl...it's not just me is it? It's seriously out of order to involve DD2 in all this isn't it? Even at a million to one chance that anything could happen I don't like it.
At least the weather is okay at the moment so you can go out to the park for the day. Have you thought about contacting a local church and asking for their help? If the first one isn't helpful go to the next until you find one that will help you.
ODS: either it's true and he's consciously putting your DD at risk quite unecessarily - or it's not true and he's trying to scare you and make you unhappy. WHich is, of course, abuse. The sooner you're rid of him the better - and don't olet him take DD into this situation.
Best of luck.
I honestly think you need to get out now. Can you not wait at a refuge until the injunction is placed? I worry about your safety and that of your children, honestly, he sounds completely frightening.
Looks like the injunction won't happen anyway, as the papers haven't been served yet and he has gone out. If the papers aren't served then there will be no case heard.
Earlier on, DD2 got cheeky with H. To be honest he asked for it as he wouldn't leave her to go to the loo alone. She kept asking him to go but he wouldn't, so she told him to go to work, and he said tomorrow. She said 'no now, and don't come back, ever'. at which point he got really mad, asked her who had been filling her head with shit, over and over again, raising his voice. Poor child was getting panicky and then he told her 'well I WILL be going away, very soon, for ever and I'll never come back. You'll never see me again' . To a 3 year old????? I honestly have never said anything to her about her Dad - I wouldn't do that.
Poor kid, the toilet is a tiny little room and he is a very big man and very loud. She must have been terrified.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.