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I broke up with him but he doesnt want to break up and i'm confused

(72 Posts)
SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 11:01:50

So we've been together for quite a few years - 5.
We're both in our mid 20s.
I've posted my story before on this site but basically:
We're in a LDR. Have been for 8 months. He wanted to travel and see the world. I wanted to stay and complete my studies. He gave me one week notice at the end of november he was leaving. I was devastated of course.
We have had a few rough patches since then, broke up a couple of times but always ended up back together.
The plan was to see each other at summer. I was flying out to him. Summer is swiftly approaching and he didnt seem eager to book it - just had the 'we have plenty of time attitude' when there's only a few weeks left and then he started talking about how he wants to go and see some more.places so doesnt know when he'll be free. I am also applying for jobs so in the end I agreed to just leave the booking for now.

Then i didnt hear off him all weekend until Monday morning when i got a message saying 'been on an adventure'

And then he wasnt speaking properly all week.

I became frustrated, broke down in my work which ive never done, and realised this relationship was causing me too much stress.

My friends and parents think i'm being silly continuing to wait.

So i rung him. Told him i was unhappy and that i've broke down in work and i think we both want different things. He agreed at first. And that was that of that conversation.
Then yesterday, we spoke again as the night before was a bit emotional.
He told me that he doesnt want it to end and he will 1000% be home in October, maybe even July, August or September.
That'll be around 9 months of not seeing each other sad

I told him the trust has gone that he'll.actually come home. Plans have changed so much. The original plan was he was coming home during summer not me flying out to him; and he seems to get anxiety everytime things are approaching.

He told me he loves me and no matter what happens, he will be seeing me when he's home.
He said he doesnt understand why we have to break up.
I've told him to give us both a week to really think about this so we can both speak with clear heads. But i feel so confused sad

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 15:19:05

Thanks,
I know I keep falling for his words but his words.dont match his actions,
I've been so stupid, genuinly believing he will change,
But i suppose like many people say - if he loved me, he'd be coming home, not staying 3 months longer

VodselForDinner Sun 16-Jun-19 15:49:30

But what are you going to do about it? Nothing, I’d guess, as you’ve never done anything to remove yourself permanently from this situation before.

tuxedocatsintophats Sun 16-Jun-19 15:58:22

FGS, move on.

burnyburny Sun 16-Jun-19 16:11:28

If he loved you, he wouldn't have cheated on you, more than once.

If he loved you, he would have involved you in his social life, instead of letting his friends humiliate you via Facebook.

If he loved you, he wouldn't have given you the silent treatment for days on end, for one shite reason or another.

If he loved you, he wouldn't have abandoned you after your miscarriage/termination of twins/triplets where you then immediately TTC again as you both realised how much you wanted children together, but then he left you at 4 days notice while you were still bleeding.

But do come back in another few months and ask for yet more advice.

Alternatively, let me report you for being a troll and making a mockery of people with actual problems.

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 16:21:43

I'm not a troll?
I've come to ask for genuine advice,
I'm confused why people are jumping to conclusions and saying things and calling me a troll?

Thanks for the genuine advice from those of you who are being thoughtful,
I'm confused and heartbroken but that's life

Happinessbegins Sun 16-Jun-19 16:23:25

I don’t see why you can’t post if you want to. I do recall your previous posts however and have no idea what you are getting from this ‘relationship.’

Clutterbugsmum Sun 16-Jun-19 16:51:34

Of course you confused, you make a decision about what you want to do with your life, and then you speak to him and he will tell you anything and everything you want to hear. But his actions do not match his words.

And his actions speak clearly that HIS decision is HE is going to do what he wants, going to the countries HE wants to see. And all the while you are sitting at home waiting for him to return.

Can you 100% trust that he not behaving like a single man abroad.

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 20:03:13

Thank you everybody <3 I hope i'll find happiness soon

Xxalisoncxx Sun 16-Jun-19 20:36:20

Was this the guy that said you could still go and sleep in his bed at his parents I think it was??

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 21:45:19

Yeah, i just dont understand why my brain just wants him so much still sad

Xxalisoncxx Mon 17-Jun-19 01:02:09

I know exactly what your saying, I was exactly the same with my ex,

Xxalisoncxx Mon 17-Jun-19 01:03:08

It’s really hard to break away when you love them x

RantyAnty Mon 17-Jun-19 02:20:55

It probably isn't love at this point but trauma bonding. google trauma bonding.

His actions are making it clear he doesn't love you.
Would you want to love someone who doesn't love you?

If you block him, and focus on yourself, the obsessed feelings will fade.

EverythingHappensForARiesling Mon 17-Jun-19 02:30:13

If you want to end the relationship, you can end the relationship. He doesn’t have the right of veto! Block him. Move on.

SoConfusedSo Sun 30-Jun-19 09:23:08

Update:
I broke up with him 4 nights ago. I did it over text because he always has a way of talking me out of it.
I told him no contact was best. He said it's not what he wanted but agreed.

2 days later, i have a message asking how i am. I didnt respond and i went to bed and i woke up to a message basically saying how angry he is with me, that i must have never loved him because i cant wait a few more weeks, how im a princess who throws tantrums when i dont get what i want.

I replied when i woke basically saying that breaking up is best because im finding it hard. I said that he chose to leave and be away for so many months and that he's the one prolonging it. I said i want someone who i can actually make memories with and who discusses things with me.

He replied saying how because ive said i want someone who lives closeby to make memories with, that ive used him for the past few years, ive lived a lie, and im a joke who doesnt know what love is. He said i dont have the emotions or feelings to make a LDR work.

I was very upset. Tried to explain that I hate long distance and all the one week notice, arguments and prolonging the distance has led to this.

He started to calm down now and said that i couldve flown out to him just as much as he couldve come home. And that just i chose education and job interviews, he has chosen travelling. He said he's supported me through everything (he has supoorted me through a lot) but i never support him and havent been supportive of his travels (this is probably true but i had no say in it sad ). He then said "I love you sad I dont want this"
I said "i'll always love you since youre my first love but breaking up is for the best"
He said
"I'll be your only love and youll always be mine sad i dont believe we'll ever be over; i just cant believe that"

And i was very crying at this point so i just said 'i cant speak like this anymore, im going to go because it's getting me emotional. Goodnight"

I left it there and there's more to say but this post is long enough so far

YouKidsKeepMeYoung Sun 30-Jun-19 10:07:06

You should consider blocking him for a bit while you get used to the idea. Otherwise he'll just worm his way back in and you'll be at square one again.

Nanny0gg Sun 30-Jun-19 10:16:13

Block him.

Then it is over.

user1471590586 Sun 30-Jun-19 13:12:03

Block him now.

bigKiteFlying Sun 30-Jun-19 13:19:13

You need to block him everywhere -e-mails, phone social media. If you have friends in common shut down and conversations about him.

Don't read his messages and don't respond. Start focusing on your life and try and be very busy for a while so you don't give him any more head space.

bigKiteFlying Sun 30-Jun-19 13:20:14

any not ad - shut down any conversations about him at least for the forseeable future.

Doesitevenmatternow Sun 30-Jun-19 13:55:50

Come on where is your dignity? Pick it up off the floor. You know his 'been on an adventure' was him balls deep in some other girl for the weekend.

You're in your twenties. That time is so precious. You are an independent adult with no dependents. Why are you wasting your time with this loser?

One more email explaining you are blocking him. Tell him to consider himself single as you do. When he's home you can discuss if you would both like to restart anything but you don't know how you will feel by then.

You keep talking about being happy and loving him as if they are both outside of your control. You are in charge of your own life. Get on with it.

RosaWaiting Sun 30-Jun-19 13:59:00

OP are you the poster whose boyfriend decided to go travelling with about a week's notice to work? And you talked to his mum about it?

if you are, I cannot believe you bothered to keep this going! What for?!

pog100 Sun 30-Jun-19 14:07:26

You aren't a troll but you do keep posting about the same situation, getting the same advice and then ignoring it. It is as plain as day that this entitled idiot is not your life's companion. FGS just stick to your final text. Don't communicate any more. Move on!

Berthatydfil Sun 30-Jun-19 14:10:41

He’s annoyed you’re not going along with his wants.
He wants you to be there for him to pick up when he (eventually) decides to come home, he’s got no understanding of your wants and needs in this relationship and he is pissed off you’re just not going along with what he wants.
You know he will never put you first ever.
Block him
Then work on your self esteem before getting into a new relationship.

SwordofGryffindor Sun 30-Jun-19 14:54:33

Were around the same age I'm 27 and I was in a similar situation wanting to breakup and on and off with someone from 19-23.
Looking back I wasted those years being unhappy most of the time.

You dump him now and you will be free of this misery and go ask that other lad out!

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