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I broke up with him but he doesnt want to break up and i'm confused

(72 Posts)
SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 11:01:50

So we've been together for quite a few years - 5.
We're both in our mid 20s.
I've posted my story before on this site but basically:
We're in a LDR. Have been for 8 months. He wanted to travel and see the world. I wanted to stay and complete my studies. He gave me one week notice at the end of november he was leaving. I was devastated of course.
We have had a few rough patches since then, broke up a couple of times but always ended up back together.
The plan was to see each other at summer. I was flying out to him. Summer is swiftly approaching and he didnt seem eager to book it - just had the 'we have plenty of time attitude' when there's only a few weeks left and then he started talking about how he wants to go and see some more.places so doesnt know when he'll be free. I am also applying for jobs so in the end I agreed to just leave the booking for now.

Then i didnt hear off him all weekend until Monday morning when i got a message saying 'been on an adventure'

And then he wasnt speaking properly all week.

I became frustrated, broke down in my work which ive never done, and realised this relationship was causing me too much stress.

My friends and parents think i'm being silly continuing to wait.

So i rung him. Told him i was unhappy and that i've broke down in work and i think we both want different things. He agreed at first. And that was that of that conversation.
Then yesterday, we spoke again as the night before was a bit emotional.
He told me that he doesnt want it to end and he will 1000% be home in October, maybe even July, August or September.
That'll be around 9 months of not seeing each other sad

I told him the trust has gone that he'll.actually come home. Plans have changed so much. The original plan was he was coming home during summer not me flying out to him; and he seems to get anxiety everytime things are approaching.

He told me he loves me and no matter what happens, he will be seeing me when he's home.
He said he doesnt understand why we have to break up.
I've told him to give us both a week to really think about this so we can both speak with clear heads. But i feel so confused sad

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 11:06:07

Sorry,
To add to the tale;
I have been going out with my friends more.and have found myself becoming attracted to a friend of a friend who has made it clear he likes me.
He messaged a few months ago but i kindly told him i wasnt looking for a relationship and he was lovely about it, and left me to it.
3.months later, he has sent a message the other day asking how i was and i replied nicely but I dont bring any relationship problems because that's not his business.
This guy is continuing.to.make convetsation over message and as he's friends with my friends I dont just want to blurt out that im not ready for anything more than friends in case he is actually just being friendly but at the same time, I feel like i'm being disrespectful to my relationship but dont know how to say anything

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 11:09:03

I cant tell.whether it's a genuine attraction or a loneliness and substitute attraction sad

MollyButton Sun 16-Jun-19 11:10:52

Just drop the long distance boyfriend. It sounds like he is having fun but wants the security of having someone waiting at home. But he isn't entitled to have his cake and eat it. He choose to travel, he choose to not make much effort, he has to take the consequences.
With the new guy - don't rush things. Have fun but no need to jump from one relationship to another.

RestingBitchFaced Sun 16-Jun-19 11:13:03

I think you need a clean break from the LDR. He's not interested in committing to you, and is happy doing his own thing.

WomanLikeMeLM Sun 16-Jun-19 11:16:03

I remember your other posts, we told you then to end it. Seems he stills wants to have his cake and eat it.

Your being used, set your bar higher, you are worth so much more.

Myheartbelongsto Sun 16-Jun-19 11:17:55

Ah, so you've had your head turned.

Did you tell your boyfriend that bit?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 16-Jun-19 11:19:17

He wants to have you waiting for him at home when he gets back; so when his adventures and fun end, he's not coming back to nothing.

That doesn't suit you. You didn't want this; and it's not doing it for you anymore.

Break it off, go no contact for a bit of time to let yourself heal, and then see friend of a friend once you're not on the rebound if you want to.

VodselForDinner Sun 16-Jun-19 11:27:12

I think you need to have a look at what’s happened in your life that you think being treated like this is acceptable. It’s not normal to let a man treat you like this.

I’d ignore the second guy too.

Work on yourself for a while.

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 11:36:22

It's not that i've had my head turned as i'm not interested in being in another relationship any time soon,
I have a lot of love for my LDR boyfriend but I think the loneliness and sadness of a 7-8 monthish long distance relationship has crept in and my brain is trying to substitute. I am taking ages to reply and have been honest with him in the past that i'm not looking for a relationship

TheSecondMrsAshwell Sun 16-Jun-19 11:39:17

He wants to have you waiting for him at home when he gets back

When he eventually gets back. He's coming back in October, possibly September, perhaps August, maybe July.

If he loved you so "1000%" much, he'd drop everything and be home before June was over. But no, you have to sit around for more than 3 months in case he deigns to get home sooner. My bet is that he'll be coming home in time for Halloween.

I've spent most of my life waiting for one man or another. Don't do it.

Don't know about the other guy. Someone else will advise you on that.

TooTrueToBeGood Sun 16-Jun-19 11:40:28

You don't need his permission. Stop letting him play you like a puppet and your emotional wellbeing will have a chance to recover. Continue to let him fuck with your mind and you will remain miserable. Take back control of your life.

burnyburny Sun 16-Jun-19 11:40:39

People, your are wasting your time.

If this poster is who I think, she's posted so many, many, times about him under various names.

He's a total arsehole and she she should have chucked him about 4.5 years ago! He has had his head turned, and more. He's cheated more than once, ignored her, let his friends take the piss out of her, but never let her meet his friends, and there was ridiculous pregnancy/abortion drama (where it changed from twins to triplets and other such inconsistencies - it was planned/unplanned, there was previously a miscarriage etc). Then apparently he pissed off abroad with 4 days notice while she was still bleeding.

If she's real, she's always just been an option that's available to him.

TooTrueToBeGood Sun 16-Jun-19 11:43:39

Btw, he's talking shite when he says he loves you. If he really loved you he'd be with you now. You've taken second place to a gap year ffs, that is not love.

HollowTalk Sun 16-Jun-19 11:46:59

You're wasting your time with your boyfriend. You are at different points in your life - he wants to travel and to be free. Let him go. (It'll give him a massive shock.) Tell him to go and enjoy his life and that you will, too, then stop talking to him. See where it goes with the other guy. Have fun. Enjoy being young.

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 11:59:13

Thanks everybody; i completelt agree, too young to be waiting around for him to decide,
When i tell him that he's been away for so many months and I dont understand why he wont come home for summer when i'm.off from.my studies,
He says that he'd feel he'd be wasting his time at home so whilst he's still young he wants to continue seeing the world and that if someone really loved another person, they'd wait just a few.more.months,

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah Sun 16-Jun-19 12:13:20

He's playing mind games with you. Just end it and move on. Why should your whole relationship be on his terms? And while they are why should he change? No way you should see him when he deigns to come back. And definitely don't sleep with him, goodness knows where he's been.

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 12:20:25

He thinks it works both ways though, as in when i say to him
'Why cant you come home for summer?'
He replies
'Well why cant you fly out here?'

But why should i when he left? He said he'd go halves but still.
And i was stupidly willing to fly out there like an idiot. Until this week when I wondered what actually i was getting out of it. Yes it wouldve been lovely to have a holiday but it'd be lovelier to have a boyfriend at home.

I understand his need to travel, if he wants.to travel that's good for him but i'm tired of waiting confused

RavenLG Sun 16-Jun-19 12:23:26

You’re the LDR guy’s back burner. He doesn’t want the hassle of an actual relationship right now but expects you to be ready and willing when he decides to come back. Fuck that. Send him an email / message confirming you have ended the relationship and you need some space before speaking to him again, block him on social media / email / phone. Everything is ALL on his terms you’re not getting any say, so change that and let go of this waste of space.

Clutterbugsmum Sun 16-Jun-19 12:39:27

Tell if when he comes home then you may reconsider but as it stands at the moment you are getting nothing out of this relationship. And you want to start living your life rather then waiting for him to decide if and when he going to return. Then go NC.

TeaForTheWin Sun 16-Jun-19 12:47:24

You aren't confused, you are being MADE confused by him. You want to break up because this 'relationship' clearly isn't working. And he's guilt tripping you /manipulating your emotions with promises in order for you to not break up. You really should have refused to speak to him again after that break up phonecall. It was done, now he is trying to talk you around again. Sorry but this selfish twat expects you to wait how long?! And even has the audacity to suggest you drop your life to come out and join him.

And do you honestly believe he hasn't being seeing anyone else for 8 months, at the other end of the world?! Lol. Break up by email and then block him on everything. If he comes home in October you can talk then (if you actually want to pursue anything with him again and he can give decent commitments) but until then, use the distance between you as well, distance between you. And don't be talked out of it.

MMmomDD Sun 16-Jun-19 12:55:15

You again?
The triplets/twins abortion?
And last time you said he decided to settle in another country and wasn’t coming back?

What do you get from posting the same story OVER and OVER???
You get the same comments of well meaning people, then reappear later with the same exact story.

How much longer does it need to go on?????

anothernotherone Sun 16-Jun-19 13:06:23

Your LDR man is messing with your head and wants you to be his insurance/ back up for when he gets bored. He has no respect for you. He's doing his thing and wants you to be a good, quiet, undemanding little woman and wait faithfully in case he wants you/ a place to stay for a bit at some point when his money runs out.

If you tell him it's over then it's over.

He doesn't get to tell you it isn't because he loves you. So what? Does he think you're obliged to have a relationship with anyone who says he loves you? If someone in the pub tonight tells you he lives you, will you have no choice but to let him move into your home and bed?

Just tell LDR it is over, because you say it's over, then block his number and post any stuff of his you have to his mum.

If you discuss it he'll try to convince you you're unreasonable because you're his backup plan and it costs him nothing to keep you hanging on.

Dump and block. He is the past.

anothernotherone Sun 16-Jun-19 13:07:24

MMmomDD - ah blush pbp?

Epona1 Sun 16-Jun-19 14:44:48

You’re just a puppet and he’s pulling your strings.

Get some self respect and dump him. Don’t YOU think you’re worth more than this?

Sorry to be blunt, but you posted before about this and you were told then to dump him as you’re being used. Don’t keep ignoring positive advice

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 15:19:05

Thanks,
I know I keep falling for his words but his words.dont match his actions,
I've been so stupid, genuinly believing he will change,
But i suppose like many people say - if he loved me, he'd be coming home, not staying 3 months longer

VodselForDinner Sun 16-Jun-19 15:49:30

But what are you going to do about it? Nothing, I’d guess, as you’ve never done anything to remove yourself permanently from this situation before.

tuxedocatsintophats Sun 16-Jun-19 15:58:22

FGS, move on.

burnyburny Sun 16-Jun-19 16:11:28

If he loved you, he wouldn't have cheated on you, more than once.

If he loved you, he would have involved you in his social life, instead of letting his friends humiliate you via Facebook.

If he loved you, he wouldn't have given you the silent treatment for days on end, for one shite reason or another.

If he loved you, he wouldn't have abandoned you after your miscarriage/termination of twins/triplets where you then immediately TTC again as you both realised how much you wanted children together, but then he left you at 4 days notice while you were still bleeding.

But do come back in another few months and ask for yet more advice.

Alternatively, let me report you for being a troll and making a mockery of people with actual problems.

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 16:21:43

I'm not a troll?
I've come to ask for genuine advice,
I'm confused why people are jumping to conclusions and saying things and calling me a troll?

Thanks for the genuine advice from those of you who are being thoughtful,
I'm confused and heartbroken but that's life

Happinessbegins Sun 16-Jun-19 16:23:25

I don’t see why you can’t post if you want to. I do recall your previous posts however and have no idea what you are getting from this ‘relationship.’

Clutterbugsmum Sun 16-Jun-19 16:51:34

Of course you confused, you make a decision about what you want to do with your life, and then you speak to him and he will tell you anything and everything you want to hear. But his actions do not match his words.

And his actions speak clearly that HIS decision is HE is going to do what he wants, going to the countries HE wants to see. And all the while you are sitting at home waiting for him to return.

Can you 100% trust that he not behaving like a single man abroad.

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 20:03:13

Thank you everybody <3 I hope i'll find happiness soon

Xxalisoncxx Sun 16-Jun-19 20:36:20

Was this the guy that said you could still go and sleep in his bed at his parents I think it was??

SoConfusedSo Sun 16-Jun-19 21:45:19

Yeah, i just dont understand why my brain just wants him so much still sad

Xxalisoncxx Mon 17-Jun-19 01:02:09

I know exactly what your saying, I was exactly the same with my ex,

Xxalisoncxx Mon 17-Jun-19 01:03:08

It’s really hard to break away when you love them x

RantyAnty Mon 17-Jun-19 02:20:55

It probably isn't love at this point but trauma bonding. google trauma bonding.

His actions are making it clear he doesn't love you.
Would you want to love someone who doesn't love you?

If you block him, and focus on yourself, the obsessed feelings will fade.

EverythingHappensForARiesling Mon 17-Jun-19 02:30:13

If you want to end the relationship, you can end the relationship. He doesn’t have the right of veto! Block him. Move on.

SoConfusedSo Sun 30-Jun-19 09:23:08

Update:
I broke up with him 4 nights ago. I did it over text because he always has a way of talking me out of it.
I told him no contact was best. He said it's not what he wanted but agreed.

2 days later, i have a message asking how i am. I didnt respond and i went to bed and i woke up to a message basically saying how angry he is with me, that i must have never loved him because i cant wait a few more weeks, how im a princess who throws tantrums when i dont get what i want.

I replied when i woke basically saying that breaking up is best because im finding it hard. I said that he chose to leave and be away for so many months and that he's the one prolonging it. I said i want someone who i can actually make memories with and who discusses things with me.

He replied saying how because ive said i want someone who lives closeby to make memories with, that ive used him for the past few years, ive lived a lie, and im a joke who doesnt know what love is. He said i dont have the emotions or feelings to make a LDR work.

I was very upset. Tried to explain that I hate long distance and all the one week notice, arguments and prolonging the distance has led to this.

He started to calm down now and said that i couldve flown out to him just as much as he couldve come home. And that just i chose education and job interviews, he has chosen travelling. He said he's supported me through everything (he has supoorted me through a lot) but i never support him and havent been supportive of his travels (this is probably true but i had no say in it sad ). He then said "I love you sad I dont want this"
I said "i'll always love you since youre my first love but breaking up is for the best"
He said
"I'll be your only love and youll always be mine sad i dont believe we'll ever be over; i just cant believe that"

And i was very crying at this point so i just said 'i cant speak like this anymore, im going to go because it's getting me emotional. Goodnight"

I left it there and there's more to say but this post is long enough so far

YouKidsKeepMeYoung Sun 30-Jun-19 10:07:06

You should consider blocking him for a bit while you get used to the idea. Otherwise he'll just worm his way back in and you'll be at square one again.

Nanny0gg Sun 30-Jun-19 10:16:13

Block him.

Then it is over.

user1471590586 Sun 30-Jun-19 13:12:03

Block him now.

bigKiteFlying Sun 30-Jun-19 13:19:13

You need to block him everywhere -e-mails, phone social media. If you have friends in common shut down and conversations about him.

Don't read his messages and don't respond. Start focusing on your life and try and be very busy for a while so you don't give him any more head space.

bigKiteFlying Sun 30-Jun-19 13:20:14

any not ad - shut down any conversations about him at least for the forseeable future.

Doesitevenmatternow Sun 30-Jun-19 13:55:50

Come on where is your dignity? Pick it up off the floor. You know his 'been on an adventure' was him balls deep in some other girl for the weekend.

You're in your twenties. That time is so precious. You are an independent adult with no dependents. Why are you wasting your time with this loser?

One more email explaining you are blocking him. Tell him to consider himself single as you do. When he's home you can discuss if you would both like to restart anything but you don't know how you will feel by then.

You keep talking about being happy and loving him as if they are both outside of your control. You are in charge of your own life. Get on with it.

RosaWaiting Sun 30-Jun-19 13:59:00

OP are you the poster whose boyfriend decided to go travelling with about a week's notice to work? And you talked to his mum about it?

if you are, I cannot believe you bothered to keep this going! What for?!

pog100 Sun 30-Jun-19 14:07:26

You aren't a troll but you do keep posting about the same situation, getting the same advice and then ignoring it. It is as plain as day that this entitled idiot is not your life's companion. FGS just stick to your final text. Don't communicate any more. Move on!

Berthatydfil Sun 30-Jun-19 14:10:41

He’s annoyed you’re not going along with his wants.
He wants you to be there for him to pick up when he (eventually) decides to come home, he’s got no understanding of your wants and needs in this relationship and he is pissed off you’re just not going along with what he wants.
You know he will never put you first ever.
Block him
Then work on your self esteem before getting into a new relationship.

SwordofGryffindor Sun 30-Jun-19 14:54:33

Were around the same age I'm 27 and I was in a similar situation wanting to breakup and on and off with someone from 19-23.
Looking back I wasted those years being unhappy most of the time.

You dump him now and you will be free of this misery and go ask that other lad out!

SwordofGryffindor Sun 30-Jun-19 14:56:50

Girl block him now. He is showing more of his true self!!! Hes emotionally abusing now God only knows what hes getting up to abroad !

Block him now and you go get someone else to go on a date with to boost your confidence.

Feic him the absolute gobshite !!

letsdolunch321 Sun 30-Jun-19 15:24:44

Block, block, block ..... he fucked off on an adventure, continue chatting to the other guy and see where it goes.

Relationships should not be a ton of work, there should be fun and laughter not tears. Move on

SoConfusedSo Fri 12-Jul-19 15:08:57

Update!!!

Thanks everyone for the support! Ive took everyones advice on board and ive been ignoring him.
Just over a week ago, i told him that was that but he told me he's going to email me his thoughts because then i dont have to read them.
It's been a week and so far ive had 2 emails telling me about his day and saying how proud of me he is, and a text saying 'have a fantastic day! I love you" this morning followed by an email explaining how his day has gone and how much he loves and misses me again.

Ive been ignoring them but i do feel bad sometimes.with the effort he's putting into his emails but i have told him to go no contact.
Hopefully he gets tbe hint.

Just posting here to stop myself giving in and replying!

Thanks all!

user1471590586 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:42:38

Block his email address, phone number, social media the lot. Then you won't be tempted.

MyOtherProfile Fri 12-Jul-19 15:43:03

Wow he is some kind of thick skinned!

sassandfaff Fri 12-Jul-19 16:07:11

He's not thicked skinned. He knows that OP has the breaking strain of a soggy KitKat.

Jiggles101 Fri 12-Jul-19 16:19:21

I couldn't get past the fact that he graciously said you could still go to his bedroom and smell his clothes and duvet 🤦🏻‍♀️

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 12-Jul-19 16:30:58

Ignore, ignore, ignore OP.

I remember George Clooney being the same when I dumped him. All you can do is ignore the Ex and hope that he finds his own Amal.flowers

SoConfusedSo Fri 12-Jul-19 20:51:12

Thanks for the advice everyone!
And i know Jiggles! All sounds so crazy when i look backblush

75Renarde Fri 12-Jul-19 21:09:08

You are not in no contact. Far from it. You are still in contact.

It needs to be on every level.

SoConfusedSo Wed 17-Jul-19 20:04:43

Hi everyone,
So I've stopped the emails since he was sending one every couple of days;
Im just lookibg for a boost.
Yesterday i was sorting through clothes and dug deep into my closet was one of his jackets. It still had his smell on it. It really got to me. And it's made me think of all the good times, the cuddles etc.
I know not to take him back but I just need some support since the heartbreak feels raw today sad

Senoritaforever Wed 17-Jul-19 20:52:52

The good times and the cuddles? You haven’t seen him for 9 months have you?

Senoritaforever Wed 17-Jul-19 20:55:51

Sorry to be harsh when you are looking for support but even if you were still ‘with’ him, you wouldn’t actually be seeing him. He keeps putting you off and there is no guarantee he is coming home in September or whenever as he keeps changing his plans which obviously do not involve you.

TeaForTheWin Thu 18-Jul-19 00:22:24

OP his response when you told him you wanted to break up was absolutely disgusting. How dare ANYONE talk to ANYONE like that? There is no excuse for it.

'a joke that doesn't know what love is' who the f*ck says that to someone? I am outraged and disgusted on your behalf. He is an utter utter ...I don't actually have the words.

And, he won't leave you alone, he has no respect for you or the word 'no'. I hope you have blocked him on everything, everywhere now because he is not a nice person.

Don't see him when he comes home either. Seriously, don't be talked into it. He had all the warning signs of an abuser. Infact, he already has been abusive in his response to your wanting to break up. Normal people don't talk to other people like that. Unhinged people do. It's funny how he mentioned your lack of feelings and empathy considering he appears to have none himself for you (other than contempt). Something common to abusers called 'projection' (when they project their own shittynes onto you).

You are doing so well getting shot of him and you should be proud of yourself, you deserve someone who can actually be there for you and, who is actually a decent human being. He, is scum.

TeaForTheWin Thu 18-Jul-19 00:25:10

Ps: I mean it, block.him.on.everything!
And treat yourself to a nice day tomorrow, go get pampered or something. Or sit in with some ice cream and wine smile You deserve a treat.

1forAll74 Thu 18-Jul-19 01:14:43

Time for you to see the world.or whatever you wan't to do. Its pointless for you to be waiting around,and wondering so much,about this man's idea of a relationship. He seems to be calling the shots about his life,and what he want's to do,without a thought of what you are feeling.

Raspberrytruffle Thu 18-Jul-19 03:11:39

OP if he really was determined to be with you he'd not be hiding behind emails txts etc he would be banging at your front door trying to speak to you. My husband dropped everything and traveled up north to talk face to face. He doesn't sound committed he has you on the back burner. Just completely ignore block delete etc. Why not concentrate on yourself start getting out enjoying freinds and hobbys? Have a break from men until you've cleared your head. You also dont need knobheads permission to end things wink

NotSoSorry Thu 18-Jul-19 04:12:38

It's been over a week, if he really was that bothered, he'd of flown back to you by now. Stop torturing yourself and BLOCK him.

Howyiz Thu 18-Jul-19 12:26:24

Seriously? Get a hobby and some self respect ! You have way too much time on your hands if you are giving that gobshite head space.
You tell him it's over and not to contact you so he throws insults at you and is now sending emails as if nothing had happened? He doesn't even have the manners to apologise profusely for his behaviour?
As others have said he is off riding all round him and you are the dutiful girlfriend at home like an eejit!

Mitzimaybe Thu 18-Jul-19 13:11:24

it's made me think of all the good times, the cuddles etc.

But you haven't been getting any good times or cuddles.

When he says "if you really loved me you would wait for me" then what he's saying is, "I expect you to agree to everything that makes me happy but I don't agree to do something simple (like come home for a few weeks over summer) to make you happy. Our relationship has to be 100% on my terms otherwise I will accuse you of not loving me or supporting me."

He is a selfish prick and just wants to keep you dangling while he is off gallivanting round the world and getting up to who knows what. He is desperately trying to reel you back in. Don't fall for it.

You are far better off without him. Stop reading his emails. Block him on all social media. Move on.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine Thu 18-Jul-19 13:15:56

Oh, op. My ex didn't want to accept that we were over and sent me loads of letters by post. I read them initially but was throwing them in the bin unopened by the end. Don't read them, it does you no good at all. You don't owe him anything.

TeaForTheWin Thu 18-Jul-19 13:34:28

Even if he did fly back it would be because he feels he has lost control of her, not because he cares about her. Because 'how dare you block my emails and deny my ''feelings'' and try and move on with your life. How dare you break up with me' blah blah. Wouldn't put it past him.

I hope you didn't cave yesterday op. He really is a horrible person, believe it.

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