Practical advice for leaving angry partner?

[Trees2905]

I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old without DP. I’ve tried really really hard but I think we’re done for various reasons. He doesn’t react well to stress, gets very angry. I can’t see how I can break up with him, he’ll just get angry and shout. It’s my house but I don’t want to be a twat and ask him to leave and I don’t think he would anyway (I’d want to split assets fairly anyway as I bought the house while I was with him). He won’t want to be away from the children. I would be the one to practically pack a bag and find somewhere else local to split the kids but I think they’d have a meltdown if I wasn’t there all the time. We’re generally in separate beds as we rollercoaster through the relationship so I don’t know whether I just maintain that for a bit, either formally or informally.

Does anyone have any advice?

[Magissa]

Just to clarify... the 3 year old is dp's but the 6 year old isn't? You own the house and you are not married yet you are considering leaving because he wouldn't want to be without the kids?
Do you want you kids brought up around an angry man that doesn't react well to stress? He needs to go if his behaviour is putting them at risk.

[Divgirl2]

Is he violent or does he have the potential to become violent? Because that changes the advice quite a lot.

If not don't leave. You have kids, where would you go? You need to ask that he leave, as difficult as that sounds. You can ask a friend or relative to be there when you ask him to go. Once he's gone change the locks. You might end up having to sell if he is owed money from the house but at least then you'd have time to organise something.

[Aussiebean]

Dp or husband? If dp, what’s the situation with the mortgage on the house?

I think you need to get your ducks in a row, talk to a solicitor, know where all your money is and then send your children away for the night.

If he is so angry that you are scared of him then talk to women’s aid for advice.

Children should not have to live with an angry parent. You may want to do the right thing, but the right thing to do was get anger management therapy so it doesn’t adversely affect your children. As he hasn’t done the right thing by his children, you are going to need to do it.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Do not move out of your house.
I assume he has a job and can support himself?
Are you married? Because if not he isn't entitled to a share of your house, but if you're the higher earner or he contributed to the purchase then you should help him move/repay his investment in it. If you earn the same and you pay for the house yourself then don't pay him anything.

[user1493413286]

Unfortunately he will have to leave; please don’t leave your own house as it puts you in a very vulnerable position with getting it back.
I’d get some advice from a solicitor about what you can do legally but essentially unless you’re worried about your safety I’d tell him he needs to leave and give him a date to leave by. If by that date he doesn’t leave then follow the solicitors advice and you may need to involve the police.
If you think for any reason that he may become violent when you ask him to leave then I’d get some advice from women’s aid and think about having someone else there.
Also change the locks after he’s gone even if he gives you the key back as he may have got it copied

[category12]

Um, don't be so eager to placate him that you put yourself in a mess financially or with regard to housing and access for the dc. You may end up regretting it bitterly when you are out of the fog.

Go get some legal advice.

He's a bully and has trained you with his anger (and possibly by feeling sorry for him?) to think about his reactions and his wants first, over yours and the dc's best interests.

Get legal advice, let yourself be guided by someone unbiased about how to move forward.

[Trees2905]

Thank you, gosh wasn’t expecting so much advice. Sorry for my typo, both 3 year old and 6 year old are his. We aren’t married because he developed a gambling problem a few years ago and I just felt it was unwise. I am the much bigger earner and house, mortgage is all in my name. He has nothing in his name (again see gambling - he has always told me to keep everything in my name because he doesn’t trust himself). He gives me money from his salary each month. All our assets have all been collected since we’ve been together and he has supported my career by picking up with the children so I think of that as fair that we would split them. Also, I control everything so he has little control and I have previously in rows done the ‘get out of my house’ thing which I don’t think is cool, as it’s his house as well. He has nothing else, he’s built a life with me.

[Trees2905]

I will see a solicitor and also my financial advisor I think. I am wondering if I put a package together for him for when I speak to him. That I’m not just shafting him.

[AJPTaylor]

2 things.
Be fair. Do not shaft yourself and kids.
I assume you mean split the kids time between you, not split the kids (up) between you?

[Trees2905]

When we got together (ten years ago) he literally arrived with everything he owns in his car. I feel sick at the idea of him leaving in the same way. Like I’ve failed as well. But yes, he’s pretty angry. We’re both miserable and that’s how it manifests itself. The kids can be hard work and I’ve recently hired a nanny so he doesn’t have to do school runs or have the kids till 6 (I get home at 7) but it hasn’t seemed to help his mood. I’ve got a big job with a big commute and I am stretched very thin.

[Trees2905]

Yes I mean split the kids between the two of us. Share custody. He has a child in a previous relationship he doesn’t see too much so I expect he may not want split custody, but I had divorced parents with a slightly more controlling mother who managed down the time my dad had with us (from my child’s perspective) and so I’m desperate to not be that twat.

[Faithless12]

@Trees2905
Take advice from a solicitor but others are correct about not placating him. If he has a child from a previous relationship he hardly sees he may not actually want to have 50/50. Wait and see what he asks for.

[Smiggleiscrap]

You haven’t failed him! Don’t let that misplaced guilt take over or you will put his “needs” and security about that of your children’s.

You are the responsible parent.

His gambling problem is not your problem. His anger is not your problem.

Looking after yourself, looking after your DC = your responsibility.

Be careful when planning your custody split. How will he cope with the children alone when you split? How will that affect his moods? How will be behave if he tries to get you back and fails? What might he say to the children about you?

If you leave the house, will you get back in, or will he make a claim to stay and say that he is the children’s primary carer?

Consider what is best for the children, not what you think will placate him.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Does he work?

[CodenameVillanelle]

Sorry I see you've answered that already

[Trees2905]

He always throws at me that I couldn’t cope without him because I work and he looks after the kids. That’s not really true now, nanny is here 4 days a week, he has an hour with them before I get back. And I do drop and pick the other day, leaving work early. I’m generally late back one day a week so he does bedtime (I have a 3 hour commute).
But yes, realistically I don’t think he’ll end up with them 50% but I want that option to be on the table. I’d ideally like to move them closer to my work and he fucks off and does Disney dad occasionally but I’m trying to not be a twat as I said.

[luciebey]

The children's needs come before his.

[Trees2905]

I think best for children is with me, in a better school, with a better environment (we live in a place where I’m the only working mum at the school gates and I don’t want that as aspirational for my daughter.

[Trees2905]

Thank so much for all this everyone.

[Smiggleiscrap]

You can cope easily without him, and he knows it.

My ex threatened to go for custody of the children for a while (as he was furious that I’d left him and it was the only control/punishment method he had left).

He didn’t want them, is angry with them when he has them, and is an every second weekend father. But it was a horrible threat and it kept me where he wanted me for a while.

Just be prepared, you see a new side to a person when they lose control over you, and when they need someone to blame for everything that is wrong in their life (especially when they are not prepared to look at their own behaviour)

[mybeebop]

Do not leave the house! For one, he’s a gambler. He could end up gambling it away! If you want to be more than fair you could offer to pay 6 months rent plus a deposit on a small flat for him to move into. That’s more than fair. Then he has time to get himself sorted. You aren’t married and he’s a gambler. Don’t give him half the assets for gods sakes! Pay rent on a flat but don’t give him cash that he’ll chuck away!

[Quartz2208]

Yes stop thinking you are responsible for him at all YOU ARE NOT.

Get legal and financial advice and put together a good package for him and he should be the one to go. Give him enough so that he can along with his earnings find somewhere to go. Sell the house and give him a proper fair proportion and move closer to you work.

You know what is best for 3/4 of the family you wrote it. So do it

He is the angry one causing the end of this not you. Look at how much childcare he does now (you have a Nanny I assume for a reason - that being he could not cope with the children) and give him one evening and EOW

[Trees2905]

Thanks everyone.

Just emailed my financial advisor and a lawyer. Some kind of package for him is a good idea.

[category12]

I'm glad you're getting proper advice. You have to be very clear-eyed about this.

If you set him up with a package, which I think is fair enough, at some point he's very likely to gamble it away. I think you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that you split up, and six months down the line, however generous you are to him in the split, he'll be back to what he can carry in a car. And when he turns up at your door, what you're going to do about it? But that's for the future.