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Struggling to forgive H affair

(14 Posts)
rhowton Thu 13-Jun-19 03:49:37

I found out 7 months ago that my husband was having an emotional, cyber sex affair online with another woman who he knew from years ago. It started when my dd1 was 4 months old, whilst I was on holiday with my family including dd.

I was 12 weeks pregnant when I found out and I've now got a two week old. We have also just moved house to be closer to my family.

I still struggle daily with his affair and it makes me so tearful occasionally but mostly it's just sadness when I think about it.

I cannot understand why he had the affair or what he was thinking for those 10 months and I can't get my head around it!

I try not to use it in arguments but sometimes in my mind, I use it pretty much every time!! If he asks why I didn't put the washing out, the first thing I think of is, well I didn't have an affair so you do the fucking washing, but I actually go, oooops, I forgot, I'll do it now.

I'm not a particularly forgiving person as I'm very black and white and quite moral so really am having a hard time with this.

The reasons we've stayed together are:
He's been very remorseful
Has been so open and honest and does now have an open phone
I need him financially as we couldn't afford our children's school and nursery if we were paying two mortgages and bills.
I refuse to be a single parent to two children under two with a c section scar and stretch marks whilst he gets off lightly.

I do kind of love him, but just in such a different way than before. I use to feel so safe and protected by him, and with such a turbulent dad, was such a change of man, that I loved him instantly. I now don't feel safe at all with him and constantly believe he's going to have another affair the second the going gets tough again!! I also felt so trapped to stay with him because I was pregnant that I really begrudge him! I also hate that our dd2 was conceived when he was having an affair.

I also feel so guilty because I am currently pushing him to get the snip (he was going to have one after we have children anyway but that was before I knew he was a cheating twat) but the main reason isn't contraception but so if he does have another affair, he won't get anyone pregnant or if we split up, he can't go off and have more children with another woman, which would be hard for my dds. I know that I won't be having more children because I hate being pregnant and also newborns are a bit pointless for a few months 😂.

So after rambling on..... how do you get over an affair? What can you do to help yourself? I'm so confused xxxx

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 13-Jun-19 04:28:09

Well firstly, you don't have to.

Secondly, he was doing it for ten months and it's only been 7 since you found out. So you're entitled to a lot more anger.

And why's he asking why you didn't do the washing?

However if you genuinely want to move on, for you, rather than for practical reasons, would couples counseling be an option?

Zakana Thu 13-Jun-19 05:04:14

Not able to sleep OP? Not surprised at all, and I sympathise with your situation.

Similar thing happened with me and my partner about 12 years ago now, and not just once. He never admitted it though, just said I was hormonal and crazy, seeing things that were not there.

I felt sad, angry, disappointed, so many conflicting emotions and I stayed with him, still with him today. However, I never throw the so called affair back at him at all, I believe if you make the decision to stay, then you have to try and make it work.

I think the worst emotion I felt was because I had put him on a pedestal throughout the previous 16 years of our relationship, I truly trusted him, and thought I was the luckiest woman alive. Added to that, he is the most fantastic dad to our two kids. My bubble had been well and truly burst and I spent the next 12 years becoming a person I didn’t like, all because of his actions and his “gaslighting”.

Recently however I have had some emergency hospital treatment for a serious condition and he was fantastic and looked after me so well. It didn’t take away what he had done in the past, and I will never forget what he has done and I will never trust him again, but it made me see him in a slightly more flattering light and for the first time in 12 years, I am feeling much happier in myself.

I don’t know if I will be able to keep this up for the rest of our lives or not, I am just taking it one day at a time.

Sorry for rambling on, in short, I am not sure you can ever get over an affair, particularly one which is over a period of time and not just a ONS, particularly when the OW is emotionally involved, you can try to forgive but you can’t keep throwing it back at him in every disagreement, but you will never forget, and it is difficult to ever trust him again. I was and still am truly gutted by his deceit.

I know what you mean about still loving him but in a different way, I feel exactly the same, and there are days when I despise him (especially before my period lol).

The one positive thing you have with your situation is that he has admitted it and is showing remorse, I didn’t get that with my lying twat lol, so there is hope if he truly regrets it.

I would describe the pain on finding out as having your heart ripped into two, at least that’s how I felt, although the pain has lessened with time.

Good luck and hugs xxx

Ounce Thu 13-Jun-19 05:06:15

You can't forgive him, because it's unforgivable.

The best you can hope for is that the anger, in time, subsides.

It might not.

Alicewond Thu 13-Jun-19 05:15:15

I’m sorry for you op, but insisting he get a vasectomy isn’t your choice or reasonable, no more than if he insisted you had a hysterectomy. Your choice is to stay with him or leave him, to be angry or forgive. Not to punish any future relationships he may have should you split

Ferfeckssake Thu 13-Jun-19 05:25:36

Also struggling with this. Six months since I found out. Every time I think of something , I end up like you , 're : washing or just some random issue.
Finding it so hard to accept , forgive and move on.

Alicewond Thu 13-Jun-19 05:29:45

Hope you are ok @Ferfeckssake x

Nitpickpicnic Thu 13-Jun-19 05:36:05

If this happened to me, every spare penny would go into many months of fortnightly therapy appointments. Possibly years of them. I would hash out every aspect of before, during & after the affair and get all the professional help going.

I wouldn’t expect myself to be to be calm or accepting at the 6-7 month mark. And god help him if he was, or showed any signs of having put the affair ‘behind us’. Doesn’t mean forgiveness or acceptance isn’t possible, but not without lots of hard inner work on both sides.

You’ve chosen to stay and work on things, not stay and bottle up every reasonable resentment while he plays happy families.

Find a good therapist before you find yourself ‘accidentally’ ramming the loo brush up his nose!

Ferfeckssake Thu 13-Jun-19 10:14:47

Zakana So glad you posted . I can relate so much to what you are saying . It does give me hope that I may be able to get over this and move on.
rhowton I too am very unforgiving and can't get over how people can do such obviously immoral things. But then it is a case of " do you want to be right or be happy ". Your DH is shameful and deserves a good kicking.
But Iike you , being bitter and angry only affects us and in your case , your DCs.
It is so fucking hard , isn't ? Horrible that so many women are going through this.
Wishing you peace of mind .flowers

Myheartbelongsto Thu 13-Jun-19 10:23:07

Chris sake, he was shagging someone when you were pregnant. Ah no, fuck that op. You get one life, why live it like this!

He will do it again.

Jabbercocky Thu 13-Jun-19 11:01:01

Betrayal Trauma is a terrible thing to have to live with. It’s no different to someone inflicting a brain injury on you with a crowbar. One day you’re this person, the next day you’re someone else, and you can never go back.

Ultimately your DH handed you an unsolicited choice: a painful ending or endless pain, and left you to make the decision on that whilst driven half-insane with shock, hurt and grief - hardly the act of a loving, nurturing compassionate partner. He will, I’m sure, say he never meant to cause so much hurt but then isn’t that what the drunk driver says? It doesn’t really change the outcome does it.

I too am psychologically incapable of forgiveness. It’s not helpful and no amount of therapy is ever going to change that hard-wiring, I’m afraid.

I can only offer this nugget of wisdom from my own experience. I once asked a psychiatrist friend of mine (jokingly) what the secret to happiness was. He responded immediately but with incredulity that an intelligent person such as myself had not already figured it out. “Be insensitive”, he said. I laughed of course - for about 20 seconds - until it dawned on me how true it was. If you genuinely care little for other peoples’ feelings and their opinions of you, you have an almost superpower-like resilience to the slingshots and arrows of life. Bottom line is: care less, love less, feel less, do as you please. Sad but true. That’s your path to healing.

Scorpvenus1 Thu 13-Jun-19 11:33:24

2 options. Have an affair yourself so you would understand maybe and not feel so bad he did and you didn't.

Dump him as once a cheat always a cheat.

BarbedBloom Thu 13-Jun-19 12:15:44

I was in a similar position to you, albeit I don't have children. It was a long emotional affair and I just couldn't get over it. We had counselling, did all the right things but it just killed any affection I had for him. He did it again and I left the second time.

I think the most sensible thing to do would be to try and get yourself in a position where you could separate if that is possible. That way if you stay with him it becomes a choice rather than a necessity. But while some people can forgive and move on, some of us can't and that is okay too. Regardless of reason or circumstance it is a betrayal at the end of the day.

user1479305498 Thu 13-Jun-19 13:11:01

I think the expression care less, love less, as someone else above said is sad but very true and don’t rush anything, if you decide after a few years even that you don’t want to continue, then that’s fine, in the meantime keep friendships up and a good eye on finances/assets and try to make sure you can access money if needed

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