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Not sure if I want a baby with my boyfriend

(35 Posts)
Beingtoo Wed 12-Jun-19 12:10:09

I want to rant a bit and then I have a question whether this kind of behaviour could mean difficult times for me if we would have children.

My live-in partner needs a lot of time together. Just doing whatever, me and him together. I like to have some alone time, too. I mean, not with hobbies or friends, but just to be at home in silence without him being there. He knows it, we have talked about it several times, he has made promises that he will find activities outside the house. He never goes anywhere alone. I guess I have already used to the situation, but it actually makes me mad inside sometimes because I really need it and he just ignores it. I feel bad telling him to go out, because there is not to do out alone, right. There of course are things, but he seems to find an excuse every time. To be honest, I am afraid of asking even, because he has used many passive-agressive tactics before, so while it seems these tactics have ended, I still worry these things might happen again so I'm actually avoiding.
Secondly, I'm getting fed up of the fact that it seems like he is only really interested in going out and doing things (strolls, travelling, concerts, museums, just sitting outside you name it, just anything outside the house). If at home, then he has not much drive in doing anything besides sleeping, watching TV, cooking and playing videogames. He comes home from work and if I'm not home, he just sleeps for a few hours and then watches TV. If I'm home we talk and then we watch TV or go for a walk. If I do my own things at home, he just watches TV or plays. But the point is, I love to do home decorating and some renovations whenever possible. Currently, I'd really need his help. But even more, in my mind this is also a quality time together to plan, do and later enjoy what we have done. However, when I bring it up he is all about yes, it is wonderful idea. But then nothing happens. I have to constantly remind him and tell him that we agreed we would do it. He won't talk about or do anything related to these ideas on his own initiative. Only when I specifically tell him. He knows these things are important to me and I love to do those things. During week, when I tell him I'd like to do this or that now, he says his tired or not now or whatever and I sometimes do it alone and sometimes not at all. When he agrees to do, he gets tired quickly and I usually end up doing it alone. When he talks about what to do in weekend, he never brings up those things that need to be done at home, those things that I would love to do.
Besides home-things, I have tried to find other activities to do together instead of walking around the city each weekend because I get tired of it, it has become so boring. I'd like to do something with a purpose or goal, also, together. Like going to dance classes together, or reading a book together, or doing some courses together, or taking up a hobby together. He is always on board, yes, it is a good idea, very interesting. He comes along with me. But the moment I have a bit of lack of motivation or do not remind him or something comes up temporarily or whatever, then the activity just fizzles out, because he shows no interest or initiative regarding it anymore and I feel like I just pressure him doing these activities.

Recently I fell apart a bit when I was stressed cause I had a lot going on at work and friendships and told him through tears that I need him to help me plan things (do not remember the topic), but the point is that he himself suggested that he will be responsible for one renovation plan we have talked about for months and even made some preparations so that I would not have to think about it. He did draft a plan a few days later as he promised, nice. But it has now been a month and he has said absolutely nothing regarding the plan. Yes, I had busy two weeks during the time and I see that we could have not done anything then, but the past two weeks have been not busy. So I'm just waiting when will he start discussing the implementation of the plan. I do not want to raise the topic, because then the idea of him being responsible for it would be pointless. I really like to plan things also, and I think it is necessary also when you have children. It seems he is not keen on planning.

OK, enough with the ranting. What I wanted to ask is.. we have talked about starting a family in the future. But I'm actually getting worried about the fact that based on his behaviour I think I might be in trouble with children with him. I mean based on his behaviour it seems like he struggles committing to "rough work" and lacks consistency (not sure it is the correct word). I mean, with children you must do all kinds of things you are not that keen, right? I'm worried that all the difficult parts of parenting would be mine and he could just enjoy the good bits of going out and having fun there.

I see a number of very good traits in him - firstly the same thing that he likes to go out and do all kinds of things (however, not sure how much would he like to do it with children..); secondly he is cleaning and washing up and cooking and is capable of doing it on his own initiative; he is caring towards me - whenever I have like pain or tough time he is understanding, does more than his fair share in the house (chores); does not pressure me to have sex or anything. Seems pretty decent man and reading here how bad can husbands behave, I feel actually silly complaining about such issue...

FizzyGreenWater Wed 12-Jun-19 12:30:56

How long have you been together?

In a nutshell, he sounds absolutely awful - needy, clingy, unmotivated, lazy (it's always gaming, isn't it!?) and just plain oddbod.

I wouldn't have children, no. I would be thinking very seriously if this was what I wanted out of the one life I have and whether this was the person I wanted to be with. Because you don't sound for one minute as if you actually want to be with him. Reading your OP, I certainly wouldn't want to be with him either!

Bluerussian Wed 12-Jun-19 12:37:56

I like time to myself too, quite a lot. It's never been a problem for me as husband does his own thing. I can't understand why your partner can't at least go in another room, read or whatever, he doesn't have to go out.

Certainly I would think twice about settling down and having a baby with your man unless he matures.

missmouse101 Wed 12-Jun-19 12:49:28

I would avoid any man who does 'gaming' anyway. Pointless, childish shit. But OP, the rest sounds pretty bad to me too.

user1471590586 Wed 12-Jun-19 12:59:39

Bit confused by your post, found it a bit difficult to follow. Are you saying he isn't proactive enough in doing stuff? Have you been together a long time? Are you getting married? If things are bugging you now it's probably best not to bring a child into the picture.

Musti Wed 12-Jun-19 13:10:06

Do you keep posting about him? Live in a city, have lots of hobbies but boyfriend is always in your flat etc?

Divinelyuninspired Wed 12-Jun-19 13:14:30

He’s still lazy and boring and I don’t know why you haven’t dumped him yet. You don’t seem to like him at all.

ChewbaccaHutchinsCool Wed 12-Jun-19 13:15:10

FFS, do not procreate with this man!

RLEOM Wed 12-Jun-19 14:03:13

Leopards rarely change their spots.

My daughter's dad was exactly the same when we dated. I'd turn up at his flat and there would be an overflowing and smelly bin in his kitchen, dishes unwashed for at least a week (basically until he ran out), piles of dirty clothes mixed with clean clothes all over the floor (major trip hazards when DD was born), he would play games or watch Netflix instead of pulling his weight - every room was a tip unless I cleared up. It was so bad, I'd film it out of frustration and for a before and after impact after I'd spent the day clearing it all up. Gross, gross, gross. When we didn't live together, I'd speak to him in the evening and ask if he'd cleaned, to which he'd reply, "I can't, I'm really tired and I'm just doing my washing," which translates to: I'm lounging on the sofa playing games whilst the washing machine washes my clothes for me. Pure laziness.

I'd like to tell you that he changed to cater for our new arrival. He didn't. He continued to live like a tramp. I left with our daughter 3 months later. I've turned up at his to drop our daughter off and the smell of unchanged bins was vile! I constantly worry about the choking hazards he probably carelessly leaves around the flat.

However, he now has a new gf and I think he's trying to sort himself out. But I reckon he'll go back to his old ways once the novelty wears off. Her being there gives me some hope that the flat will be better kept. I also dread the day they split because he will go back to living in a mess. I'm really hoping he'll change for the sake of our daughter but who knows? He's 30 and has, according to his mother, lived like that since being a teenager.

So there you go. That could be you. My ex was a lovely man who I couldn't wait to spend my life with, but I'm much better off not having to spend my life clearing up after a man-child.

NameChangeNugget Wed 12-Jun-19 14:06:20

He sounds awful.

There is nothing less appealing than a man who wants to be Teflon to you. What a turn off

NameChangeNugget Wed 12-Jun-19 14:06:46

I meant Velcro!! I’m an eejit

Aussiebean Wed 12-Jun-19 14:51:35

If you need alone time with just the two of you, then you will REALLY need alone time when you have a baby because the baby/babies are all over you. I know because I also need that break.

If he is unwilling to give it to you now, there is NO WAY he will give it to you where he will be responsible for planning and taking the baby somewhere to entertain it all by himself.

mylatestname Wed 12-Jun-19 18:04:15

Well you might be glad he doesn't have hobbies like cycling if you have children, because there is nothing worse than being left holding the baby every evening and weekend whilst your DP does his hobby. grin Does he only do the gaming if you are busy ?

I think it's normal to have different interests. And it really depends on what job he does? If he does manual labour all week, I can understand he might be actually tired to do decorating.

It just depends how much this all bothers you, if it bothers you so much then yes move on.

Someoneontheweb Wed 12-Jun-19 18:15:21

I confess I didn't read the whole post because half way through I had the impression that you don't like him much and you're not compatible.
I don't think you said he does anything "terrible", you just wished he was different, but he isn't and you shouldn't be with someone hoping you can change them.

category12 Wed 12-Jun-19 18:23:00

You're not compatible, that's what it boils down to.

So no, you shouldn't have dc with him - how much worse would that be?! I mean, honestly, you'll go potty.

Cut your losses, find someone you have more in common with. You'll make this man miserable by nagging him and never being satisfied with him, and yourself someone you don't want to be, if you stay together.

MikeUniformMike Wed 12-Jun-19 19:22:51

You are not right for each other. Cut your losses and move out.
Do not get pregnant with him.

MrsMozartMkII Wed 12-Jun-19 19:32:11

Can you honestly imagine the rest of your life being like this?

It sounds like you both need something different from each other.

Haffiana Wed 12-Jun-19 20:11:59

OK, so he is polite and tries to show enthusiasm for your projects and interests, but he isn't really interested.

When you do things that he likes doing, you find it boring.

Can you accept that his interests are not the same as yours? Seriously - why do you think he should be like you, rather than like himself?

I imagine that you are very young and somehow believe that couples should be joined at the hip with shared hobbies etc etc EXCEPT of course when you need to be alone which you find perfectly justifiable and normal, and except when he wants to sleep or game which bizarrely you don't find understandable at all - apart from that, you should be should be sharing exciting (to you) activities.

Nah. You either are simply not compatible or you do not respect him. Either way I cannot see that you have a future.

Haffiana Wed 12-Jun-19 20:13:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haffiana Wed 12-Jun-19 20:15:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haffiana Wed 12-Jun-19 20:16:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haffiana Wed 12-Jun-19 20:16:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haffiana Wed 12-Jun-19 20:37:03

OK, so he is polite and tries to show enthusiasm for your projects and interests, but he isn't really interested.

When you do things that he likes doing, you find it boring.

Can you accept that his interests are not the same as yours? Seriously - why do you think he should be like you, rather than like himself?

I imagine that you are very young and somehow believe that couples should be joined at the hip with shared hobbies etc etc EXCEPT of course when you need to be alone which you find perfectly justifiable and normal, and except when he wants to sleep or game which bizarrely you don't find understandable at all - apart from that, you should be should be sharing exciting (to you) activities.

Nah. You either are simply not compatible or you do not respect him. Either way I cannot see that you have a future.

QueenBeee Wed 12-Jun-19 20:42:41

Well he likes doing what he likes doing. Unfortunately he doesn't like doing anything he doesn't like doing, which will include anything different that you want him to do that you like.

Will he change ????

Doesn't look like it does it.

MrMagooooo Wed 12-Jun-19 21:42:10

He's not interested in what you do and him you. Have you tried gaming with him I wonder?

Stop doing things with him. If you don't want to walk around the city on weekends then don't and tell him why.

You might end up doing completely different things but do a few things together.

What is all this decorating stuff you want to do? Why can't you do it on your own, if I wanted something done in the house I'd do it myself and not rope my partner into it. If it was something for the kids we'd do it together. I hate being roped into things, usually my partner wants to do something and I always get roped into doing it or helping in some way but that never happens vice versa.

Maybe have a list of things that you both want to do and each of you can try them no matter how dull hey might seem.

Why would he show enthusiasm for something you suggested which you begin to lack enthusiasm for. That sounds odd to me.

I don't think you know what you want. You talk about having a baby. Is that even on the cards?

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