I’ve had a bit of a rough ride in my dating life over the last year.
I met up with someone off tinder right at the beginning of March. Had been on quite a few dates with other people by this time so when things felt different (in a good way) I was hopeful.
After just our first date he was upset about me going on another date I had pre-arranged before meeting him. He said he hadn’t been interested in other people after we met. I felt exactly the same so cancelled the other date.
Things moved quite quickly (not at my suggestion) and we have been seeing each other at least once but usually twice a week. This is always a sleepover (but not always sex).
He’s broken up with me 3 times already. He seems prone to stress and overthinking. It’s like he panics, dumps me, then realises he’s made a mistake on impulse and asks to get back together.
The most recent break up was Saturday. He said he was too stressed and exhausted with work and it wasn’t fair on me. Sunday evening he called me, drunk and saying he was about to hand his notice in. I tried to talk him out of it. He was in a bad way. Saying he felt on the edge, couldn’t take any more etc. Also telling me he loves me and I might have to go through some hard times with him. He said he needed help and asked me to come over.
I did and found him asleep drunk on the sofa. Got him into bed. Asked him to unlock his phone so I could see what he’d said to work. While I was on there a tinder notification popped up. I was so upset - how could he tell me he didn’t have time for work and a relationship but be looking for someone else 24 hours later?
To my shame I went onto his messages. It’s no excuse but I’ve never snooped before. I found out that during the early stages of us getting together he was still sleeping with other people. I’m just so hurt that while he was telling me what a good feeling he had about us, didn’t want me dating other people, he was doing that. I had no idea and feel so stupid. Also feel pathetically sad for myself that while I was in that blissful, hopeful stage he was still shagging around. He even had someone over for sex after I’d slept at his house for the first time (we didn’t have sex).
I feel blindsided. I don’t understand why he got upset at the thought of me going on a date when he was meeting other people for sex. The only saving grace is that he stopped meeting them once we had actually had sex.
I just don’t know how I’m going to trust anyone when I’m oblivious that they’re lying to me at the time. I’m 28, want to have a family and DC. But struggling so much to have the resilience to put myself back out there when nothing seems to work out for me.
Any words of wisdom or advice much appreciated as I’m feeling so low.
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Relationships
Dating and losing hope
CatPunsFreakMeowt · 12/06/2019 10:52
Argh, what an absolute wanker!! I'm so sick of hearing stories like this on here - you have behaved like a normal, decent human being and he has taken advantage of you, lied, cheated, fast-forwarded you into a relationship and then fucked you over and destroyed your trust.
Find your inner ANGER and tell him to fuck right off. You owe him NOTHING, not even an explanation. The fucking arsehole.
Then have a break from it, lick your wounds - but not for too long - and start again. There ARE decent men out there, and threads on here to prove it (not that I've found one myself - yet!) so don't lose hope 
Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate it as I’m too embarrassed to talk about this with people I know. 
@MaggieMuggins Thank you, I need to hear that and it’s a reality check to see it in black and white.
@crappyday2018 Yes he does have alcohol issues. I’m only really understanding that now. I’m teetotal and a bit naive about what’s ‘normal’ but he drinks every night. At least 5-6 cans but often more and goes to the pub most days. He says he wants to stop drinking on work nights so the nurturer/ carer in me wanted to support him. He works very long hours in a responsible, high pressure job, so not the typical image you expect from someone with alcohol issues.
Mrskisses He dumped me on Saturday citing work stress.
I go back to him as apart from the flakiness, he’s a good partner to me. He’s funny, intelligent, sociable, attentive, caring, has made a massive effort to understand a chronic health condition I have. After a couple of bad experiences before him it’s just been nice to have someone who is consistent in their contact and doesn’t ghost.
We also never have blazing arguments so the dumping always takes me by shock. On Thursday we’d been together all day and had a lovely time, saw him on Friday morning before work and all was fine. It’s completely out the blue when it happens.
Thank you @Spritesobright I was on the dating thread a while ago but will pop over again.
Thank you Crappy
@Frownette Yes he was talking like he was trying to get back together on Sunday night. It was later that evening when I ended up driving over to him because he sounded in such a bad way and he asked me to go over and help him.
He’s been asking me for advice about what to do about work up until yesterday. Despite all this I do feel sorry for him as he’s under a lot of stress and not coping. It’s hard to turn my back on him when I know he’s struggling.
We haven’t spoken today and I’m using all my willpower not to text him and check that he’s ok. He’s gone into work after two days off sick with the stress/ debating whether to resign so I’m worried about him but trying not to reach out.
Oh OP, I wasted over a year of my life on an alcoholic whom I thought I could help. It won’t work, he has to help himself.
Besides that, he appears to have little respect for you.
Give yourself a break from OLD, it’s exhausting! Look after yourself for a bit, see friends and you never know what’s round the corner
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Thank you @Rockinmomma Yes it is exhausting. I’m going to join a gym and try to keep busy. Sorry to hear you’ve been in a similar situation
Attila Thank you for your post but I find it quite rude and brutal when I’ve posted for support because I’m feeling low. You have no idea of my dating history to be saying this and you’re wrong:
This one is yet another in a series of disasterous men who you have dated.
I also have good self-esteem and know that any man I later meet would be lucky to have me, and I have a lot to offer someone. I won’t tolerate a man who thinks it’s ok to shout at me or be critical of me.
I have no innate desire to rescue any one, I’d much rather meet someone who didn’t need any help. My downfall probably is that I care too much and want to help/ support the people I care about. I find it hard to turn my back on someone if they’re struggling.
@BottleBeach Thank you. It is cutting me up trying to understand why he did that. Yes, I’m sure in time I’ll be glad that this ended when it did.
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