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Dating and losing hope

(88 Posts)
CatPunsFreakMeowt Wed 12-Jun-19 10:52:59

I’ve had a bit of a rough ride in my dating life over the last year.

I met up with someone off tinder right at the beginning of March. Had been on quite a few dates with other people by this time so when things felt different (in a good way) I was hopeful.

After just our first date he was upset about me going on another date I had pre-arranged before meeting him. He said he hadn’t been interested in other people after we met. I felt exactly the same so cancelled the other date.

Things moved quite quickly (not at my suggestion) and we have been seeing each other at least once but usually twice a week. This is always a sleepover (but not always sex).

He’s broken up with me 3 times already. He seems prone to stress and overthinking. It’s like he panics, dumps me, then realises he’s made a mistake on impulse and asks to get back together.

The most recent break up was Saturday. He said he was too stressed and exhausted with work and it wasn’t fair on me. Sunday evening he called me, drunk and saying he was about to hand his notice in. I tried to talk him out of it. He was in a bad way. Saying he felt on the edge, couldn’t take any more etc. Also telling me he loves me and I might have to go through some hard times with him. He said he needed help and asked me to come over.

I did and found him asleep drunk on the sofa. Got him into bed. Asked him to unlock his phone so I could see what he’d said to work. While I was on there a tinder notification popped up. I was so upset - how could he tell me he didn’t have time for work and a relationship but be looking for someone else 24 hours later?

To my shame I went onto his messages. It’s no excuse but I’ve never snooped before. I found out that during the early stages of us getting together he was still sleeping with other people. I’m just so hurt that while he was telling me what a good feeling he had about us, didn’t want me dating other people, he was doing that. I had no idea and feel so stupid. Also feel pathetically sad for myself that while I was in that blissful, hopeful stage he was still shagging around. He even had someone over for sex after I’d slept at his house for the first time (we didn’t have sex).

I feel blindsided. I don’t understand why he got upset at the thought of me going on a date when he was meeting other people for sex. The only saving grace is that he stopped meeting them once we had actually had sex.

I just don’t know how I’m going to trust anyone when I’m oblivious that they’re lying to me at the time. I’m 28, want to have a family and DC. But struggling so much to have the resilience to put myself back out there when nothing seems to work out for me.

Any words of wisdom or advice much appreciated as I’m feeling so low.

CatPunsFreakMeowt Wed 12-Jun-19 12:40:01

Anyone?

SkinnyPete Wed 12-Jun-19 12:46:44

Leave him. Now. It won't get any better, he's a mess and will drag you down with him.

You'd be mad to continue. Dump and block all numbers/social media. Expect more tears and persuasion. Ignore.

MaggieMuggins Wed 12-Jun-19 12:54:45

Argh, what an absolute wanker!! I'm so sick of hearing stories like this on here - you have behaved like a normal, decent human being and he has taken advantage of you, lied, cheated, fast-forwarded you into a relationship and then fucked you over and destroyed your trust.

Find your inner ANGER and tell him to fuck right off. You owe him NOTHING, not even an explanation. The fucking arsehole.

Then have a break from it, lick your wounds - but not for too long - and start again. There ARE decent men out there, and threads on here to prove it (not that I've found one myself - yet!) so don't lose hope thanks

crappyday2018 Wed 12-Jun-19 13:03:37

Hi OP, what a shitty thing to find out. Putting him shagging others at the beginning aside, his other behaviours are MASSIVE red flags. Constantly dumping you then asking you back and he clearly has some serious issues going on - possibly even alcoholism.
I was seeing someone for 8 months last year (Tinder) and he had some serious issues. He used to say he wasnt good enough for me, break it off then ring me. Cut a long story short, he turned out to be a lying alcoholic.
What I'm saying is that, despite finding out what he's been doing, he really is no good for you. You're young and shouldn't be taking on his issues. Please get away from him immediately cos it aint gonna get any better.

Spritesobright Wed 12-Jun-19 13:08:20

There's a dating thread on here that has some really good advice as a starting point. Dating online is of course possible but you need to put some boundaries in place to protect yourself as much as possible. One of them being that he has no right to object to pre-arranged dates because it's not exclusive until you both agree that it is.

This guy sounds like a particularly bad example of hypocrisy and uselessness. At least it didn't progress any further than this. Now you know who he really is and you can move on and, most importantly, learn from your experiences.

Mrskisses Wed 12-Jun-19 13:08:36

Are you still with him or dumped? He sounds like a right wanker.

You need to work on your self esteem and how to spot these types. He dumped you 3 times and you still went back for more? Why?

Spritesobright Wed 12-Jun-19 13:09:21

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

newmomof1 Wed 12-Jun-19 13:14:17

He's immature and needy, and lied when you had another date to make you feel guilty.
Add this to the blatant betrayals and you know that you need to walk away.

Frownette Wed 12-Jun-19 13:25:19

Have you dumped and blocked him yet?

Onemansoapopera Wed 12-Jun-19 13:28:26

My edit:
The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Your skin is fine how it is, feeling emotions is absolutely necessary , even the rubbishy ones. If strangers are nasty to you that's literally about them not you. Don't harden up.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Nobody is a prize! Everyone has faults. Drop the thought that you should be pursued like a precious diamond. Men and women are equal and their good points and flaws are all part of what makes us, remembering that helps us keep balanced and fair.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

CatPunsFreakMeowt Wed 12-Jun-19 13:30:06

Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate it as I’m too embarrassed to talk about this with people I know. flowers

@MaggieMuggins Thank you, I need to hear that and it’s a reality check to see it in black and white.

@crappyday2018 Yes he does have alcohol issues. I’m only really understanding that now. I’m teetotal and a bit naive about what’s ‘normal’ but he drinks every night. At least 5-6 cans but often more and goes to the pub most days. He says he wants to stop drinking on work nights so the nurturer/ carer in me wanted to support him. He works very long hours in a responsible, high pressure job, so not the typical image you expect from someone with alcohol issues.

Mrskisses He dumped me on Saturday citing work stress.

I go back to him as apart from the flakiness, he’s a good partner to me. He’s funny, intelligent, sociable, attentive, caring, has made a massive effort to understand a chronic health condition I have. After a couple of bad experiences before him it’s just been nice to have someone who is consistent in their contact and doesn’t ghost.

We also never have blazing arguments so the dumping always takes me by shock. On Thursday we’d been together all day and had a lovely time, saw him on Friday morning before work and all was fine. It’s completely out the blue when it happens.

Thank you @Spritesobright I was on the dating thread a while ago but will pop over again.

crappyday2018 Wed 12-Jun-19 13:34:33

OP - in light of that please LEAVE HIM. He is an alcoholic. This is what they do. He will dump you so he can go on a bender and then come to his senses. Hi primary relationship is with alcohol and always will be. You cannot help him and he will drag you down.

Frownette Wed 12-Jun-19 13:34:33

You're only 28 so still young - sounds like he was trying to get back together on Sunday.

Has he been in contact since then?

CatPunsFreakMeowt Wed 12-Jun-19 13:48:51

Thank you Crappy flowers

@Frownette Yes he was talking like he was trying to get back together on Sunday night. It was later that evening when I ended up driving over to him because he sounded in such a bad way and he asked me to go over and help him.

He’s been asking me for advice about what to do about work up until yesterday. Despite all this I do feel sorry for him as he’s under a lot of stress and not coping. It’s hard to turn my back on him when I know he’s struggling.

We haven’t spoken today and I’m using all my willpower not to text him and check that he’s ok. He’s gone into work after two days off sick with the stress/ debating whether to resign so I’m worried about him but trying not to reach out.

Nowthefunbegins Wed 12-Jun-19 14:09:18

You’ve only been seeing him since March. He’s not your partner. It should be fun and laughs - where’s your self esteem? Don’t have anymore contact, he’s dragging you down, and drawing you into his drama. Find someone who is worthy of your care and attention - it’s not him

CatPunsFreakMeowt Wed 12-Jun-19 14:15:23

I don’t refer to him as my partner normally @Nowthefunbegins it was just a turn of phrase. I know this amount of time isn’t ‘partner’ territory. Ironically we do spend most of our time together having fun and laughs - that’s why it’s such a bolt out the blue when he ends it. Thank you though - deep down I know he probably doesn’t deserve my care and attention but it’s not easy to face up to.

Rockinmomma Wed 12-Jun-19 14:20:50

Oh OP, I wasted over a year of my life on an alcoholic whom I thought I could help. It won’t work, he has to help himself.
Besides that, he appears to have little respect for you.
Give yourself a break from OLD, it’s exhausting! Look after yourself for a bit, see friends and you never know what’s round the corner flowers

Frownette Wed 12-Jun-19 14:23:59

He was seeing other women whilst with you, it's short term, he's not your friend and won't become one, he's flaky to say the least and you're not responsible for him.

Just send him a text saying good luck with work and the alcohol problem then block.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 12-Jun-19 14:24:29

"I go back to him as apart from the flakiness, he’s a good partner to me. He’s funny, intelligent, sociable, attentive, caring, has made a massive effort to understand a chronic health condition I have. After a couple of bad experiences before him it’s just been nice to have someone who is consistent in their contact and doesn’t ghost".

No he is not a good partner to you at all, let alone a partner. He is an alcoholic and his primary relationship is with alcohol; its not with you or anything else. This one is yet another in a series of disasterous men who you have dated.

Love your own self for a change and raise your relationship bar going forward a lot higher than it currently is. Its so low its almost non existent and your boundaries in relationships seem pretty much shot as well. It all makes you far more attractive to low lifes.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Any rescuer or saving tendencies of yours now need to be severely reigned in because they will be the demise of you. Read also about codependency in relationships.

Let him go completely before you get further dragged into his chaotic life and lifestyle. You cannot rescue and or save someone like this and I think you were attractive to him mainly because you are an empath and naïve to boot.

BottleBeach Wed 12-Jun-19 14:25:17

* I don’t understand why he got upset at the thought of me going on a date when he was meeting other people for sex.*
Because he’s a twat. Do not waste another moment trying to understand him. There is nothing else to be understood.

Also, be grateful you found out so soon and you don’t have to waste any energy going through some hard times with him. You are free to meet someone who actually has the kind of qualities you would want in a life partner/father of your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 12-Jun-19 14:25:38

I would also suggest you look at and enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. It could help you no end going forward.

SonataDentata Wed 12-Jun-19 14:35:26

I highly recommend removing him from your life and blocking him. I also recommend the website “Baggage Reclaim” if you haven’t found it already. Some people have serious issues that you (and others) cannot fix for them.

Frownette Wed 12-Jun-19 14:38:31

Lose hope in him, don't lose hope in yourself or that you'll meet someone nice

These types of men are always nice until they're not

CatPunsFreakMeowt Wed 12-Jun-19 14:52:10

Thank you @Rockinmomma flowers Yes it is exhausting. I’m going to join a gym and try to keep busy. Sorry to hear you’ve been in a similar situation flowers

Attila Thank you for your post but I find it quite rude and brutal when I’ve posted for support because I’m feeling low. You have no idea of my dating history to be saying this and you’re wrong:

This one is yet another in a series of disasterous men who you have dated.

I also have good self-esteem and know that any man I later meet would be lucky to have me, and I have a lot to offer someone. I won’t tolerate a man who thinks it’s ok to shout at me or be critical of me.

I have no innate desire to rescue any one, I’d much rather meet someone who didn’t need any help. My downfall probably is that I care too much and want to help/ support the people I care about. I find it hard to turn my back on someone if they’re struggling.

@BottleBeach Thank you. It is cutting me up trying to understand why he did that. Yes, I’m sure in time I’ll be glad that this ended when it did.

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