What to do about our living situation?

[TheValleyGirl]

I've put this in relationships, although it does cross over into other topics, as ultimately it's about trying to make the right decision in mine and DP's lives right now.

I am feeling paralysed by a choice I'm trying to make and need some sensible advice. Just to point out my DP is supportive of whatever I choose to do. Ultimately he just wants me to be happy.

Currently we live apart - about two hours' drive from each other - so only see each other at weekends. However, our plan is to be together and start a family at some point - we are both very certain of this and completely on the same page. As we're both 39 we don't have time to hang around so we are keen to get on with it.

I am very keen to move in with him - we have plans to extend his house and can't wait to get going with this, along with our plans for children!

However, I am torn about what to do about my job. It pays pretty well for the role I do and I would have a really good maternity package. Commuting from his wouldn't be an option - about three hours' drive in rush hour - so I'd have to stay where I am in my expensive rented place (which leaves me no spare cash at the end of the month - so I'm pretty much just existing here). My job is fine, but I wouldn't say I love it anymore - I can mostly do it standing on my head - but the people are nice and it's a good company to work for.

I've looked around at other similar jobs near to where my DP lives, signed up with recruitment agencies etc but nothing has come up yet that appeals or I am suited to. I should mention I had a couple of very traumatic years before I met my wonderful DP (my previous DP was incredibly abusive towards me and then took his own life) so I don't cope well in very stressful situations and really just want a job with good work-life balance. In a nutshell, being happy and enjoying my life is the most important thing to me!

My DP agrees with this and has been so encouraging of me - he even said I could just leave my job, move to his (I have to give 2 months notice on my rented place anyhow) and then look for something - he earns enough to support both of us for a while but I am so used to being independent (and in my last relationship I was the only earner for a while) that I am uneasy about this. I am also worried that it is harder to find a job when you're not in one.

So I feel a bit stuck and don't know what to do! Financially I can't carry on living where I am for much longer anyway, to say it's crippling my financially would be an understatement - my ex DP left me in quite a mess unfortunately - so I do need to make a decision one way or another.

[0ccamsRazor]

Why does he not concider moving closer to you op?

[Bluntness100]

I also think you shouldn't quit before you have something else to move to. Could you both compromise, move an hour each way? Maybe rent his place out and buy somewhere in the middle together?

I'm not sure why you need to make all the compromises. If you can't find a job so far, you might struggle for quite a while.

[TheValleyGirl]

He had actually offered to move closer to me/somewhere in the middle for our jobs, but it was me that was keen on moving to the town where he is, partly as it's a more family friendly town, more to do, we can walk to town from his etc, also as I want to leave my past here behind. There is nothing to keep me in the area - my family actually live closer to him and my friends are spread all over.

[donajimena]

This might be a gamble but I'd crack on with TTC and move when you start maternity. I'd put a time limit on it though.

[Gintonic]

It doesn't sound like moving jobs now would be very sensible. Why doesn't he sell his place and you both get a place somewhere more convenient?

[TheValleyGirl]

When I'm at his, I feel completely at home - we both love it there and hate it when Sunday evening comes around and one of us have to leave the other in terms of buying somewhere else, I would find it hard to get a mortgage - my ex screwed me over financially and left me in such a mess - so for now the best option would be to stay in the current house.

[TheValleyGirl]

The whole moving when I start maternity had crossed my mind m. I guess I just feel a bit sad about being apart for most of the pregnancy - when all we want is to be together.

[Peachesandcream14]

I agree with donajimena. TTC then move during maternity, at 39 I would want to ensure I knew of any fertility issues before I turned my life upside down.

[TheValleyGirl]

We agreed that even if we TTC and nothing happened, then we'd look into other options so it is something we are both very committed to.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

You can't realistically move without a job. You could move during maternity or hold out for a new job first but the job market keeps being screwed by Brexit and barely recovering and if you've struggled so far, there's no way to assess if I'd when you'd find a job near him.

I'd probably move during maternity or you may have to put off TTC until you qualify for a good maternity package again... it's not what you want, but it's time to pick the best option from what you have.

[TheValleyGirl]

Yes @AnchorDownDeepBreath the job market is seriously depressing at the moment! I think on top of what has been a really stressful time for me, the last thing I need is more stress of looking for a job/being out of a job.

[TheValleyGirl]

I think after years of shitty relationships and not being "in a good place" I am now so impatient to get on with my life and make the most of what I have. My DP is wonderful and has shown me that there are decent, honest and caring men out there. I think the idea of spending my pregnancy away from him makes me a bit sad, but I do understand that I don't have many options.

[LemonTT]

A plan to move into his house and have a child with him when you don’t have an income is fraught with risk for you and the child.

The obvious point is that you will have no rights in his house until you marry and then they will be limited for a number of years. As a single women without children you cannot find a suitable job. How will you do that when you have a child? Chances are you won’t get anything apart for a low paid part time job.

You need more certainty about your position with him and by that I mean legal assurances not pronouncements of eternal love and commitment. And then you need a back up plan for what you would do if he wasn’t in your life anymore. This is the minimum you need to do if you want to be a responsible parent.

[TheValleyGirl]

@LemonTT I could definitely find "a" job, but not one yet that it's worth giving up my current one for (I am paid above market rate for what I do, having been with the company for some considerable time). My conundrum is that I don't particularly enjoy my job anymore and am finding it hard living alone away from any kind of support network, so am trying to balance life happiness with security.

[Rainbowqueeen]

First of all is marriage on the cards? I wouldn’t be doing anything without that. If you choose to, have you worked out what you are going to do about finances? Do you have a back up plan if you move and it doesn’t work out? Who is going to finance your maternity leave? Lots of practical things to work out and consider. It’s not all about just wanting to be together, you need to protect yourself.

Secondly is it realistic to get the same level of pay you currently get? You’ve admitted it’s above market rate and you get it because you’ve been with the company a long time. I’d do some number crunching and work out if the lower level of expenses is worth taking a less well paid job. Then focus on getting yourself in a position where they want to pay you more than market rate.

[BBBear]

But there’s little point in worrying about losing your above market rate salary when it’s all spent on your expensive rent!

You might as well move in with him and take a lower paid job.

[TheValleyGirl]

@Rainbowqueeen yes we've discussed marriage and this is something we are also on the same page about, ie that we do want to be married - both for romantic and security reasons! As for financial aspects, DP earns a good salary (about three times what I earn) and has minimal outgoings - a modest mortgage and has a company car - he has said he would be absolutely able to support both of us for as long as necessary. We had talked about me starting my own home-based business (I've had my own successful business before so wouldn't be going into it blind), and that he could provide for both of us while I do this. These are just ideas and thoughts we have batted around, as we try to figure out the best way forward.

[oreoxoreo]

Get married
Get pregnant
Move to his whilst on maternity leave

[LemonTT]

OP I didn’t reference you not being able to find “a” job, I said appropriate job which is what you stated in your post, along with the idea you could live off him whilst looking for a job and TTC.

There is a real risk you will end up without a job, pregnant or with a new born. Living in a home you don’t own and have no rights to stay in. You are not balancing security because you are not even considering it.

Have you asked your boyfriend what security he will offer legally if you have a baby with him and cannot work.

[oreoxoreo]

How lucky you are to have met a decent man!!

[TheValleyGirl]

@BBBear yes this is another thing we've considered, you're totally right. At the moment I have nothing left at the end of the month - I am living in a family-size house as I moved here with my previous partner. He left me to pay all of the rent and bills, and I've not moved as to be honest I couldn't face moving yet again, and couldn't afford to - moving house doesn't come cheap. I would probably be far better off financially if I took a lower paying job and moved in with DP. I'd probably save over £1k a month.

[TheValleyGirl]

@oreoxoreo yes I do feel very fortunate, but also he has taught me that this is "normal" and what I experienced before really wasn't.

[RantyAnty]

How long have you been seeing each other?

[tinierclanger]

I don't think moving during maternity is as good an option as everyone makes out. It removes all your independence. You've got far fewer options for finding a good job once you're pregnant or on maternity.

[averythinline]

I would suggest finding another job and somewhere cheaper to live nearer where you have support for you-
when you've been in an abusive relationship it really is better to be cautious and take it slowly..
If you have not got savings etc because of your high housing costs then I would suggest you get yourself a buffer -otherwise you wil lbe very dependent on him and thats not a good place to be in any relationship..
If you're done with with your current job then look for a job that you can do and will give you a financial buffer...

at the moment just being at weekends is to be blunt 'playing at relationships' its not dealing with the grind never mind the stress of pregnancy/not pregnancy /children etc