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AIBU - no help from DP

(63 Posts)
Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 07:47:00

Morning all, so I just wanted some feedback on my current situation.... I genuinely feel like I am going mad! I don't think I'm being unreasonable but my partner makes out that I am the DEVIL! Sorry if this post is a bit long!

So essentially I quit my job to be a SAHM two months ago after maternity leave. I have a ten month old son. He is amazing but very hard work. He has recently started waking at 5am, coupled with 1.5 - two hourly wakings all night long. He has always been an awful sleeper since birth. I'm EXHAUSTED. DP is a scaffolder so he works at heights. When the nights got too tough at four months (he wasn't helping me by the way he just could hear the noise) he went downstairs to sleep on the sofa. He has been there for 6 months now hmm I have asked him to come back upstairs but he 'needs his sleep'. FAIR ENOUGH! BUT!!! Now our DS has started waking at 5am, (i thinks it's part of the sleep regression, he did it before it was just a phase!!) I have asked DP if he would mind taking him for an hour (he wakes up at 5.15am to get ready for work anyway) so I could catch up a little bit before I begin my day. He is being so passive aggressive about it... he likes to go to the gym at 4.30am before work sometimes (he's a massive gym head) I said it's not every morning just SOME mornings so I can catch up. He has begrudgingly agreed to do the morning, it's the attitude I can't stand TBH!!! So bitchy because he has to actually do something. i heard this morning screaming coming from downstairs.... he is eating food in front of DS and DS is hungry and he hasn't made him any sad I asked why he didn't make DS food and he said 'I don't have time maybe you should get up earlier?!' .... I do ALL THE NIGHT FEEDS, Cooking cleaning you name it!!! I have asked for a weeny bit of help!!! And I get a shit ton of attitude. I honestly can't cope with him sometimes!!

He came in from work the other day and I asked if he would mind bathing the baby. DP hadn't seen him for two days as the baby had been in bed by the time he got home.... he said 'most men wouldn't help with the baby the minute they got in they would want a break' ... then sloped off into the bathroom...sad He works very hard... six days a week. I understand it's tough, I do. But it's not easy being a SAHM either! I only wanted a small break in the morning... surely it's not too big and ask?! AIBU??

Jbonesmumma1 Fri 14-Jun-19 08:23:10

Thanks @PhilCornwall for a male perspective! It's such a shame he doesn't seem to have any paternal instincts to want to get involved like you did and most other dads do!! It makes me so sad as our son is absolutely gorgeous and such a smiley happy boy. Even strangers in the street want to talk to him and his own dad is not bloody interested sad

Thanks @lifebegins50 I do hope I will be happier. I think it's just got to the point where I am so sad that being alone doesn't scare me anymore. It kind of makes me feel happy the thought of new beginnings and a different future... though it is a little daunting I admit. But lots of women / men have done it alone so it can be done! I keep telling myself if my mum can do it with twins then so can I!!

@tuxedocatsintophats yes lesson learnt the hard way here... don't SAHM for anyone tbh!! Husband or not. Been officially unemployed for 8 weeks and I'm in a right bloody mess. So much for trusting someone else to support me... rookie error there

lifebegins50 Thu 13-Jun-19 22:29:38

So glad yout self esteem hadn't been worn down and you have resolve.

Men like him often feel resentment and contempt for their partners when the power shifts in the relationship,which csn happen when the woman has a baby and gives up work. It is a trigger for their toxic behaviour rather than a cause. Good men appreciate a partner for caring for their child and want to be involved with parenting.

It is difficult to change behaviour since it is linked to his thought patterns and are likely to be ingrained. His comments about other men shows he is just weak as needs to follow the pack. He is also a chameleon as changes his views to suit different audiences. Stuff like this will make it hard for you to trust him and respect him.

It is always terrifying to think of solo parenting especially finances but you sound capable and resilient so there will be a way. Au Pairs are fantastic for school aged children but not typically for under that age.

Many women are much happier single when compared to a useless included!

PhilCornwall Thu 13-Jun-19 21:30:20

A post here from a dad of two boys 17 and 12. I'm certainly not super dad and I've made parenting mistakes like 100% of the rest of the parents out there, but if he thinks the mother does the lions share because she "stays at home", he's a knob, a mum needs a break too!!

I've lost count of the number of times I've changed nappies, got up for feeds and been covered in crap. It doesn't make me unique, I'm simply a dad, it's what dads do.

Sorry for saying this, but tell him to buck up or ship out, he sounds a right selfish twat.

Moses92 Thu 13-Jun-19 20:46:06

Wow I hope you get your independence back OP, I couldn't live like that!

timeisnotaline Thu 13-Jun-19 20:26:02

I hope your talk is productive. He knows very well that other men parent.
I’ve reported your post above with your babies name so they remove it :!

tuxedocatsintophats Thu 13-Jun-19 20:06:56

He won't suffer, he won't remember a thing.

tuxedocatsintophats Thu 13-Jun-19 20:00:27

NEVER EVER become a SAHP to an unmarried partner.

tuxedocatsintophats Thu 13-Jun-19 19:59:21

Just stop telling anyone and crack on. He's a wrong 'un. GET A JOB!

thethoughtfox Thu 13-Jun-19 18:44:25

Please ask MN to get the posts with your baby's name deleted. This could identify you. Some of these threads get picked up by the media.

NabooThatsWho Thu 13-Jun-19 17:34:17

As I can't take the constant pressure being on me to look after baby alone.

If you think he will be more involved with parenting when you go back to work I think you will be disappointed. Hopefully I’m wrong though.....

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 17:22:41

I never thought about it like that but your right!! If he is going around telling everyone he is mucking in... obviously he KNOWS deep down that he should be.

I am going to try and talk to him tonight and explain that I'm going back to work soon. As I can't take the constant pressure being on me to look after baby alone. He will have to get more involved or I'm gone. My hopes arnt high about him changing... but we will see if the dynamic changes when I'm back in work. Will give me time to save as well. Just need a deposit, childminder and some furniture now hmmconfused

Actually dreading all this upheaval but things can't go on like this... I'm miserable all the time and feel totally used and abused by him! I'm just worried poor Joe is going to suffer because of all this. He is comfortable here in our place, he is near all his baby classes and has a nice little life (albeit with little input from his dad) what a shit situation but atleast I can make a change. It's just going to take some time

timeisnotaline Thu 13-Jun-19 17:11:29

You will have to accept his mum will see your baby though. Don’t waste energy on this, just grin and bear it, you are his mum and the example he will learn.

timeisnotaline Thu 13-Jun-19 17:10:12

Start telling everyone. Try and catch up with people who you can say you know dp has spent more time playing with your child than I’ve ever seen him with his own? Make sure he can hear.

Mine jumped into parenting as soon as he got home as he’s a proper dad. If you can’t say you told me you gave me a break last week, let me return the favour. I’ll take baby out and you hoover the entire house and do xyz in the next hour as that was my break . If it’s a break for me it’s a break for you.
If a serious talk and some public truth telling (x has slept downstairs for 6 months now, I’m so crazy jealous of his full nights sleep I am bordering on homicidal some nights. Hopefully nobody does murder him any time soon or you will all look at me now teeheee) Won’t make him see then this is the real him. I rather feel this is the real him though, he obviously knows men parent too as he tells all his friends he does...

What others say re au pair though, you will have to pay a childminder. I’d take your job back, find a childminder and start making plans (assuming he doesn’t change)

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 16:55:39

Honestly thanks so much everyone who responded. I have taken all comments on board and I'm quite fired up to get a job and get my independence back. For me and Joe. We both deserve better.

I know if i had spoken to friends they would say 'stay, work it out for the baby...' ... as they all buy his 'Im such a nice guy' act

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 16:54:06

Your totally right tuxedo... no doubt his VILE mother will end up having joey. Which makes my blood boil as I can't stand her and she is USELESS

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 16:53:04

He is a bad dad. He always takes the baby over his mums or sisters whenever he 'takes him off me for a bit' ... his words... again with the acting a hero for offering any help. It's like he doesn't want to play with him / can't be bothered. So makes out he wants to take him to visit family so he can just palm him off. It's SO bizarre... because with friends of ours toddlers and kids he's brilliant... plays with them for hours. Maybe it's just for show.

Also, I had to laugh. I bumped into one of DPs friends in town earlier and he said 'DP told me about your baby being a terrible sleeper, up all night for the past 6months... it's been tough on you both, he told me he's shattered' I had to fight off the urge to burst out laughing in his face.... BEEN TOUGH ON US BOTH. He's been on the couch snoring his head off for six months. Only done three night feeds since birth envy obviously tells everyone else different.

crappyday2018 Thu 13-Jun-19 16:06:08

Aside from his long working hours, he should WANT to spend time with his child and form a bond. He clearly just doesn't want to. He's not a good Dad, sorry.

tuxedocatsintophats Thu 13-Jun-19 14:36:17

Oh, they all say they want 50/50 custody and they'll fight you and blah blah blah. It's utter bullshit! They CBA'd to do that work. He might start out like this and fob his kid off on his mother, but it won't last and it's certainly no reason to waste the rest of your life on a sexist person like this who shows no respect for you at all.

MrHaroldFry Thu 13-Jun-19 13:16:20

Go back to work and get out. That is no life for you or your son.

A solution on childcare can be found. Ask around, call friends, relations, local nursery. It won't be easy at the beginning but you CAN do this and you won't have to be relying on this excuse of a man.

ScatteredMama82 Thu 13-Jun-19 12:59:53

That's ridiculous. My DH works long hours too (in fact he works away all week at the moment). When ours were babies I took a year off each time. I did the 'night shift' during the week but he did Friday and Saturday night to give me some sleep. He also ALWAYS does the bed/bath routine when he's here. For him it's time to bond with the DCs and I can get on with other stuff (or just sit down and have a cuppa). He's never had to be asked or told to do these things, he's just a decent human being who realises what being a parent means. I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need. If nothing else, it shows you absolutely can cope on your own.

NabooThatsWho Thu 13-Jun-19 12:59:13

And if he was that tired, he wouldn’t be getting up at 4.30am to go to the gym.

Good luck OP, it’s not easy but much better than living with a useless twat.

NabooThatsWho Thu 13-Jun-19 12:55:55

*But it must be hard working 6 days doing such a physical job.
Not sure I'd be fit for much else if I was doing that.*

Right 🙄 And what if OP was also working full-time? Do neither of them have to parent their child once they get in from work as they are tired? Oh wait, you just muck in and get on with it like millions of other parents.

CostanzaG Thu 13-Jun-19 12:49:12

I think it's just that he genuinely believes it's your job to take care of the child and house. He resents you asking him to contribute.
It was fine before you had a child but now you're a mother that's your job.....that's what he learnt growing up.

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 12:45:14

I know it's fucking embarrassing!! I feel like a prize idiot for having a baby with him. But in fairness the 8 years prior he NEVER gave me any inclination that this was the case.

Part of me thinks he has lost respect for me now I'm no longer a 'breadwinner' confused

CostanzaG Thu 13-Jun-19 12:35:42

I could not be with someone who thought caring for children is 'womens work'

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