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AIBU - no help from DP

(63 Posts)
Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 07:47:00

Morning all, so I just wanted some feedback on my current situation.... I genuinely feel like I am going mad! I don't think I'm being unreasonable but my partner makes out that I am the DEVIL! Sorry if this post is a bit long!

So essentially I quit my job to be a SAHM two months ago after maternity leave. I have a ten month old son. He is amazing but very hard work. He has recently started waking at 5am, coupled with 1.5 - two hourly wakings all night long. He has always been an awful sleeper since birth. I'm EXHAUSTED. DP is a scaffolder so he works at heights. When the nights got too tough at four months (he wasn't helping me by the way he just could hear the noise) he went downstairs to sleep on the sofa. He has been there for 6 months now hmm I have asked him to come back upstairs but he 'needs his sleep'. FAIR ENOUGH! BUT!!! Now our DS has started waking at 5am, (i thinks it's part of the sleep regression, he did it before it was just a phase!!) I have asked DP if he would mind taking him for an hour (he wakes up at 5.15am to get ready for work anyway) so I could catch up a little bit before I begin my day. He is being so passive aggressive about it... he likes to go to the gym at 4.30am before work sometimes (he's a massive gym head) I said it's not every morning just SOME mornings so I can catch up. He has begrudgingly agreed to do the morning, it's the attitude I can't stand TBH!!! So bitchy because he has to actually do something. i heard this morning screaming coming from downstairs.... he is eating food in front of DS and DS is hungry and he hasn't made him any sad I asked why he didn't make DS food and he said 'I don't have time maybe you should get up earlier?!' .... I do ALL THE NIGHT FEEDS, Cooking cleaning you name it!!! I have asked for a weeny bit of help!!! And I get a shit ton of attitude. I honestly can't cope with him sometimes!!

He came in from work the other day and I asked if he would mind bathing the baby. DP hadn't seen him for two days as the baby had been in bed by the time he got home.... he said 'most men wouldn't help with the baby the minute they got in they would want a break' ... then sloped off into the bathroom...sad He works very hard... six days a week. I understand it's tough, I do. But it's not easy being a SAHM either! I only wanted a small break in the morning... surely it's not too big and ask?! AIBU??

SignedUpJust4This Wed 12-Jun-19 08:43:20

Ask him when you get a break? Because when he gets in from work you are still working all evening and 24hrs a day.

Agree 3 evenings a week where he does bed and bath. He's a lazy selfish shit.

tenlittlecygnets Wed 12-Jun-19 08:46:22

He made himself some food and didn't make any for ds? And blamed you for it?

Fuck me, he really is setting the bar low on looking after his own ds.

Tell him that yes, most men want to look after their wives and their own dc, most men put their families above themselves and the gym, and if you divorced he'd have to look after his dc by himself.

Angry on your behalf. What a twat.

GlossyTaco Wed 12-Jun-19 08:46:55

He should get up with the baby on his day off. A nice 3/4 hour block of sleep at least once a week would really help you.

He may complain that he gets up early for work 6 days a week, but when you have a partner that does all of the night feeds you have to step up.

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 09:44:12

Thanks everyone, you know sometimes I think that I am being unreasonable and he is working really hard and I should be doing all of the childcare as a 'SAHM' ... but I might just feel this way because he MAKES me feel this way.

He always acts like such a hero whenever he does the smallest thing too... he took the baby to his sisters for an hour so I could do the hoovering (DS is scared of the Hoover) and he said, 'you had a break all afternoon' ... UMMMM I was hoovering for ONE HOUR. That's not all afternoon and it's not a break!!!

He was actually a decent guy before the baby. Now he is like a different man sad

7yo7yo Wed 12-Jun-19 09:46:43

Make plans to leave.
This is who he really is.
IF he can got to the gym at 0430, he can look after his own child.
Useless cunt.

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:03:17

I don't have any money, and I live in his family's apartment. His dad owns it. So he would never leave me here. I would have to go to a shelter with the baby sad my parents have a small house and couldn't / wouldn't fit us... plus they have a small aggressive dog. Feel a bit trapped tbh. But home life is shit.

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:05:24

I'm debating going back to work full time and getting my own place. But would have to leave LO 5 days a week, which I would hate sad

Rainbowqueeen Wed 12-Jun-19 10:06:14

If you’re not married go back to work.
Then start making an exit plan
Sorry flowers

averythinline Wed 12-Jun-19 10:10:11

Go bak to work - it'll be much better for DS to be looked after by professionals at a nursery than be with a DF who doesnt give a toss about him..

if you go back FT then maybe over time you wil be able to change your working hours?

would your old job have you back? would start there..

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:15:54

We arnt married no...

I was a medical sales rep. So I went around all the hospitals in South West / Wales area selling medical equipment. Lots of over-night stats and long unpredictable hours. Would be a nightmare with child care. confused pay was really good though. I could afford to get a nice place. I just would miss the baby so much. And I hate the thought of him being at nursery 10hours a day sad uurrrgggghhhhh why did I have a baby with a total BELLEND

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:16:55

No option for PT or shorter hours sadly ... but I would be away from that dickhead

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:17:32

They would have me back. My boss said he would have me back anytime if there was a free job... just hope my post hasn't been filled already. Sales jobs go quick

misscph1973 Wed 12-Jun-19 14:18:46

Sadly a lot of men think that if the mum is a SAHM, it means that she is 100% responsible for baby and the home. I think you are going to have to have a very serious chat to him because you are not being unreasonable, he is. You are going to end up resenting him if you don't get this sorted. Take it from someone who tried, but didn't get the message through. It got worse and we are now divorced. And I wasn't SAHM. So beware that if you go back to work, it is not necessarily going to change his perspective.

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 16:18:34

Thanks for your response! It is very unfair. I understood I would be doing the lion share of baby related tasks but he seems to have relinquished all responsibility entirely! I am going to try and talk to him. Though I don't think it will make a difference as he doesn't actually think that he is wrong. He fully believes I am being totally out of line... sad such a shame as I really wanted us to be a family and he said he did too. The reality is so much different

Bohonotbojo Wed 12-Jun-19 20:57:46

Sounds tough, it can be very hard adjusting. Is there a way he could work less and you could work more? 6 day week scaffolding sounds hardcore, but then so is constant childcare!

FrenchBoule Wed 12-Jun-19 22:37:21

OP, start making a plan how to leave. I can’t imagine how parent can be so selfish to eat at the front of hungry child and not give them anything. Shocking.

eve34 Thu 13-Jun-19 06:57:08

Yep. I had one of them . For 2 years I was surviving on 4 hours sleep or 6 hours broken sleep. Then another 2 years broken sleep. Apparently I could sleep in the day. And his work was more important. I never got a lie in. Or a night off. I couldn't argue with him he was always right.

I just got on with it. I should of packed up and left. He should want to spend time with your son. It won't get better I'm afraid.

Ex met ow and left. It's not been easy but home life is calmer

I would look at going back to work. You don't have to go back to your old job. Sales is a massive area. Work/life balance is more important. Start getting yourself into a position that if you want to leave you can. Look into child minders. They are cheaper and more flexible and offer a more homely environment. None of us want to be away from our children. But if you get a good balance I am a better parent because I work/have a sense of purpose and adult life.

You and your ds deserve better.

DonnaDarko Thu 13-Jun-19 07:03:40

My advice is go back to work. You shouldn't have quit work as you are not married. It's one of the reasons why I decided not to be a SAHM, along with the fact that i didn't want my career to stagnate.

If he won't pull his weight, it sounds like you would be better off on your own as you'll at least have one less person to clean up after! A friend of mine left her partner of over a decade and she is so much happier now, she even gets more free time as he sees their DC every other week.

prawnsword Thu 13-Jun-19 07:27:56

I would get back to work ASAP & make plans to leave. The laws in the Uk aren’t very progressive for unwed parents, it’s quite backwards ! I find with all these types they have an ingrained misogynistic streak inside them. They will have ideas on what men’s & women’s roles are.

CostanzaG Thu 13-Jun-19 07:35:01

For a start it's not 'helping' it's being a parent. He isn't being a parent....you're both an inconvenience to him.

Good parents do start parenting as soon as they get in from work. My DH would get home from work and take the baby off me immediately to give me a break and on Fridays he'd take him all night.

I going back to work is a sensible idea.

PolarBearBubbles Thu 13-Jun-19 07:42:45

Please stop framing it as 'help'. If you see it as helping you, you're essentially saying it's your job.
Hope he sorts himself out asap, it's ridiculous how many women on these boards are dealing with such wastes of space for partners.

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 07:43:41

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to reply. It's really made me realise how much of a selfish arsehole he is. I am furious at him for not feeding joey and have not spoken to him since. I have contacted my old boss and my job is available still. I'm so torn whether or not to go back with the childcare situation. I might try and look into an au pair? My boss suggested it, said if I rented a small house she would live with us and it's super cheap!? Like £80 a week!! I think I would like the company too tbh. But it Sounds to good to be true... anyone have any experience of using these?

Sadly DP has to work the six days a week, even if I work myself...as he is the scaffolding supervisor on a large building site. So he sorts kit out etc on Saturday ready for the week. He's always worked 6 days as long as I've known him.

I honestly dont know how a man can be so callous and cold towards their gf / son he literally is heartless. I know I would be better off alone. Just hard coming to terms with the reality of the situation sad

AgentJohnson Thu 13-Jun-19 07:49:22

He was actually a decent guy before the baby. Now he is like a different man.

Er, no he wasn’t, he was always this guy but you’re never needed his support and/ or have been this dependent on him before. You won’t be the first woman to witness an unashamed selfishness present itself when some men become a ‘parent’. You can not imagine how deeply ingrained in men that parenting is a woman’s responsibility.

cranstonmanor Thu 13-Jun-19 07:51:07

I'm debating going back to work full time and getting my own place. But would have to leave LO 5 days a week, which I would hate

The other working mums don't actually love leaving their kids 5 dats a week... it's just necessary for them.
You can ring an au pair agency and ask what it costs. You would have to provide for meals also, and I think they work 30 hours a week or so. Best to find out.

blushmelikeyou Thu 13-Jun-19 07:52:52

Every man I know help with the children as soon as they get through the door after work! Mine included. I really hope things change for you OP or it could be the start of the end for your relationship.

Robin2323 Thu 13-Jun-19 07:53:27

Going against the grain but I can see both sides.
I have been in your position op and it's sucks.
But it must be hard working 6 days doing such a physical job.
Not sure I'd be fit for much else if I was doing that.
Having a baby turns your life upside down but the dad just carry's on as before.
Soon though you're be through the baby stage. Toddler will start sleeping through and you'll feel completely different.
Just hang in there.
Have you got a trusted friend you could leave baby with for a few hours?

fedup21 Thu 13-Jun-19 07:54:56

might try and look into an au pair? My boss suggested it, said if I rented a small house she would live with us and it's super cheap!? Like £80 a week!!

Are you thinking of paying an au pair £80 a week and she will provide you with full time
Childcare for a baby?

Spiderhands Thu 13-Jun-19 07:58:16

You can't leave a child that young with an au pair, and as Cranston said even if you could its 30 - 35 hours per week, not full time. You will need nursery or a childminder

aweedropofsancerre Thu 13-Jun-19 08:18:49

The others on here are correct that an au pair should only work up to 30hrs a week. They are untrained too. Depending on what you decide I would suggest you look at a shared child minder. These can reduce the monthly costs and your DC is around other children. I have never had the opportunity to be a SAHM however my DC are not damaged due to going to a nursery. Good luck with what you decide, it’s not an easy time for you at all.

tuxedocatsintophats Thu 13-Jun-19 08:58:14

You are not married so you need to go back to work. An au pair is not full-time childcare and should not be in sole charge of such a young child, so best to find a nursery or childminder for your son. Being a SAHM is never a good idea if you're not married unless you have independent wealth. Unfortunately, you chose to procreate with an inherently sexist man and he will never change. Damage mitigation is what you need now - get a job and get your independence back and do not 'fall' pregnant to this man again (use two forms of contraception).

Seaweed42 Thu 13-Jun-19 09:27:11

If I was to take a guess. He's a Mummys boy. He wanted you all to himself when he met you, and thought he had found a new Mummy to score him. Then DS came along and your DH resents this child for taking you off him.
So he stages a protest by sleeping on the sofa. His son has put him out of his bed, and you prefer the son, that's why he is resentful. Neither if you are good at talking to each other so the result is simmering anger and acting out. He could be taking steroids too.
Using your child as a means to hurt you by not feeding is unacceptable.

croprotationinthe13thcentury Thu 13-Jun-19 09:35:29

Ditch this cock-womble and get back to work. Not ideal - but surely a better life than you have now.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 13-Jun-19 09:42:16

Blimey - when I was at home with baby, the minute my (now Ex)H walked through the door he was handed the baby.
I needed a break and he understood that.
He helped a lot.
And your P attitude of 'most men wouldn't help with the baby the minute they got in they would want a break'
Most men would - because they are decent human beings who know that they have to do their fair share with THEIR child!!!!

Nogoodusername Thu 13-Jun-19 09:49:33

What does he think working parents do? We have to parent our children as soon as we pick them up from school/ nursery/ childcare because they need looking after! That’s parenting, there aren’t breaks after work until bedtime anymore. I would not be a SAHM in these circumstances

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 12:29:18

I see! Au pair idea isn't going to be an option then. I had never even heard of it until my boss mentioned on the phone last night.

I know his attitude is very 1940s ... his mum was a SAHM. Never worked a day in her life. So that's probably where a lot of this stems from, that and he's a massive arsehole.

Problem though, what if he wants baby a few days a week sad if we do split!? Which he will fight for just to hurt me no doubt. Not that he wants to hang out with DS. Don't know if I trust him with him after all this??? I mean he is obviously a nasty bastard

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 12:32:08

He honestly is clueless. I think he is just a spoilt brat who has no idea about sacrifice... he seems to think baby is all Women’s work. I understand what you mean Robin23 and I don't appreciate that he works very hard rain or shine 6 days a week... it's tough. But he has been doing this job since he was 20 (now 33) it's not something he isn't used to?plus he is getting 8hours a night sleep. Nothing has changed for him at all. Except he is on sofa

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 12:33:01

*do not don't appreciate

CostanzaG Thu 13-Jun-19 12:35:42

I could not be with someone who thought caring for children is 'womens work'

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 12:45:14

I know it's fucking embarrassing!! I feel like a prize idiot for having a baby with him. But in fairness the 8 years prior he NEVER gave me any inclination that this was the case.

Part of me thinks he has lost respect for me now I'm no longer a 'breadwinner' confused

CostanzaG Thu 13-Jun-19 12:49:12

I think it's just that he genuinely believes it's your job to take care of the child and house. He resents you asking him to contribute.
It was fine before you had a child but now you're a mother that's your job.....that's what he learnt growing up.

NabooThatsWho Thu 13-Jun-19 12:55:55

*But it must be hard working 6 days doing such a physical job.
Not sure I'd be fit for much else if I was doing that.*

Right 🙄 And what if OP was also working full-time? Do neither of them have to parent their child once they get in from work as they are tired? Oh wait, you just muck in and get on with it like millions of other parents.

NabooThatsWho Thu 13-Jun-19 12:59:13

And if he was that tired, he wouldn’t be getting up at 4.30am to go to the gym.

Good luck OP, it’s not easy but much better than living with a useless twat.

ScatteredMama82 Thu 13-Jun-19 12:59:53

That's ridiculous. My DH works long hours too (in fact he works away all week at the moment). When ours were babies I took a year off each time. I did the 'night shift' during the week but he did Friday and Saturday night to give me some sleep. He also ALWAYS does the bed/bath routine when he's here. For him it's time to bond with the DCs and I can get on with other stuff (or just sit down and have a cuppa). He's never had to be asked or told to do these things, he's just a decent human being who realises what being a parent means. I'm sorry you aren't getting the support you need. If nothing else, it shows you absolutely can cope on your own.

MrHaroldFry Thu 13-Jun-19 13:16:20

Go back to work and get out. That is no life for you or your son.

A solution on childcare can be found. Ask around, call friends, relations, local nursery. It won't be easy at the beginning but you CAN do this and you won't have to be relying on this excuse of a man.

tuxedocatsintophats Thu 13-Jun-19 14:36:17

Oh, they all say they want 50/50 custody and they'll fight you and blah blah blah. It's utter bullshit! They CBA'd to do that work. He might start out like this and fob his kid off on his mother, but it won't last and it's certainly no reason to waste the rest of your life on a sexist person like this who shows no respect for you at all.

crappyday2018 Thu 13-Jun-19 16:06:08

Aside from his long working hours, he should WANT to spend time with his child and form a bond. He clearly just doesn't want to. He's not a good Dad, sorry.

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 16:53:04

He is a bad dad. He always takes the baby over his mums or sisters whenever he 'takes him off me for a bit' ... his words... again with the acting a hero for offering any help. It's like he doesn't want to play with him / can't be bothered. So makes out he wants to take him to visit family so he can just palm him off. It's SO bizarre... because with friends of ours toddlers and kids he's brilliant... plays with them for hours. Maybe it's just for show.

Also, I had to laugh. I bumped into one of DPs friends in town earlier and he said 'DP told me about your baby being a terrible sleeper, up all night for the past 6months... it's been tough on you both, he told me he's shattered' I had to fight off the urge to burst out laughing in his face.... BEEN TOUGH ON US BOTH. He's been on the couch snoring his head off for six months. Only done three night feeds since birth envy obviously tells everyone else different.

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 16:54:06

Your totally right tuxedo... no doubt his VILE mother will end up having joey. Which makes my blood boil as I can't stand her and she is USELESS

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 16:55:39

Honestly thanks so much everyone who responded. I have taken all comments on board and I'm quite fired up to get a job and get my independence back. For me and Joe. We both deserve better.

I know if i had spoken to friends they would say 'stay, work it out for the baby...' ... as they all buy his 'Im such a nice guy' act

timeisnotaline Thu 13-Jun-19 17:10:12

Start telling everyone. Try and catch up with people who you can say you know dp has spent more time playing with your child than I’ve ever seen him with his own? Make sure he can hear.

Mine jumped into parenting as soon as he got home as he’s a proper dad. If you can’t say you told me you gave me a break last week, let me return the favour. I’ll take baby out and you hoover the entire house and do xyz in the next hour as that was my break . If it’s a break for me it’s a break for you.
If a serious talk and some public truth telling (x has slept downstairs for 6 months now, I’m so crazy jealous of his full nights sleep I am bordering on homicidal some nights. Hopefully nobody does murder him any time soon or you will all look at me now teeheee) Won’t make him see then this is the real him. I rather feel this is the real him though, he obviously knows men parent too as he tells all his friends he does...

What others say re au pair though, you will have to pay a childminder. I’d take your job back, find a childminder and start making plans (assuming he doesn’t change)

timeisnotaline Thu 13-Jun-19 17:11:29

You will have to accept his mum will see your baby though. Don’t waste energy on this, just grin and bear it, you are his mum and the example he will learn.

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 17:22:41

I never thought about it like that but your right!! If he is going around telling everyone he is mucking in... obviously he KNOWS deep down that he should be.

I am going to try and talk to him tonight and explain that I'm going back to work soon. As I can't take the constant pressure being on me to look after baby alone. He will have to get more involved or I'm gone. My hopes arnt high about him changing... but we will see if the dynamic changes when I'm back in work. Will give me time to save as well. Just need a deposit, childminder and some furniture now hmmconfused

Actually dreading all this upheaval but things can't go on like this... I'm miserable all the time and feel totally used and abused by him! I'm just worried poor Joe is going to suffer because of all this. He is comfortable here in our place, he is near all his baby classes and has a nice little life (albeit with little input from his dad) what a shit situation but atleast I can make a change. It's just going to take some time

NabooThatsWho Thu 13-Jun-19 17:34:17

As I can't take the constant pressure being on me to look after baby alone.

If you think he will be more involved with parenting when you go back to work I think you will be disappointed. Hopefully I’m wrong though.....

thethoughtfox Thu 13-Jun-19 18:44:25

Please ask MN to get the posts with your baby's name deleted. This could identify you. Some of these threads get picked up by the media.

tuxedocatsintophats Thu 13-Jun-19 19:59:21

Just stop telling anyone and crack on. He's a wrong 'un. GET A JOB!

tuxedocatsintophats Thu 13-Jun-19 20:00:27

NEVER EVER become a SAHP to an unmarried partner.

tuxedocatsintophats Thu 13-Jun-19 20:06:56

He won't suffer, he won't remember a thing.

timeisnotaline Thu 13-Jun-19 20:26:02

I hope your talk is productive. He knows very well that other men parent.
I’ve reported your post above with your babies name so they remove it :!

Moses92 Thu 13-Jun-19 20:46:06

Wow I hope you get your independence back OP, I couldn't live like that!

PhilCornwall Thu 13-Jun-19 21:30:20

A post here from a dad of two boys 17 and 12. I'm certainly not super dad and I've made parenting mistakes like 100% of the rest of the parents out there, but if he thinks the mother does the lions share because she "stays at home", he's a knob, a mum needs a break too!!

I've lost count of the number of times I've changed nappies, got up for feeds and been covered in crap. It doesn't make me unique, I'm simply a dad, it's what dads do.

Sorry for saying this, but tell him to buck up or ship out, he sounds a right selfish twat.

lifebegins50 Thu 13-Jun-19 22:29:38

So glad yout self esteem hadn't been worn down and you have resolve.

Men like him often feel resentment and contempt for their partners when the power shifts in the relationship,which csn happen when the woman has a baby and gives up work. It is a trigger for their toxic behaviour rather than a cause. Good men appreciate a partner for caring for their child and want to be involved with parenting.

It is difficult to change behaviour since it is linked to his thought patterns and are likely to be ingrained. His comments about other men shows he is just weak as needs to follow the pack. He is also a chameleon as changes his views to suit different audiences. Stuff like this will make it hard for you to trust him and respect him.

It is always terrifying to think of solo parenting especially finances but you sound capable and resilient so there will be a way. Au Pairs are fantastic for school aged children but not typically for under that age.

Many women are much happier single when compared to a useless partner...me included!

Jbonesmumma1 Fri 14-Jun-19 08:23:10

Thanks @PhilCornwall for a male perspective! It's such a shame he doesn't seem to have any paternal instincts to want to get involved like you did and most other dads do!! It makes me so sad as our son is absolutely gorgeous and such a smiley happy boy. Even strangers in the street want to talk to him and his own dad is not bloody interested sad

Thanks @lifebegins50 I do hope I will be happier. I think it's just got to the point where I am so sad that being alone doesn't scare me anymore. It kind of makes me feel happy the thought of new beginnings and a different future... though it is a little daunting I admit. But lots of women / men have done it alone so it can be done! I keep telling myself if my mum can do it with twins then so can I!!

@tuxedocatsintophats yes lesson learnt the hard way here... don't SAHM for anyone tbh!! Husband or not. Been officially unemployed for 8 weeks and I'm in a right bloody mess. So much for trusting someone else to support me... rookie error there

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