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AIBU - no help from DP

(63 Posts)
Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 07:47:00

Morning all, so I just wanted some feedback on my current situation.... I genuinely feel like I am going mad! I don't think I'm being unreasonable but my partner makes out that I am the DEVIL! Sorry if this post is a bit long!

So essentially I quit my job to be a SAHM two months ago after maternity leave. I have a ten month old son. He is amazing but very hard work. He has recently started waking at 5am, coupled with 1.5 - two hourly wakings all night long. He has always been an awful sleeper since birth. I'm EXHAUSTED. DP is a scaffolder so he works at heights. When the nights got too tough at four months (he wasn't helping me by the way he just could hear the noise) he went downstairs to sleep on the sofa. He has been there for 6 months now hmm I have asked him to come back upstairs but he 'needs his sleep'. FAIR ENOUGH! BUT!!! Now our DS has started waking at 5am, (i thinks it's part of the sleep regression, he did it before it was just a phase!!) I have asked DP if he would mind taking him for an hour (he wakes up at 5.15am to get ready for work anyway) so I could catch up a little bit before I begin my day. He is being so passive aggressive about it... he likes to go to the gym at 4.30am before work sometimes (he's a massive gym head) I said it's not every morning just SOME mornings so I can catch up. He has begrudgingly agreed to do the morning, it's the attitude I can't stand TBH!!! So bitchy because he has to actually do something. i heard this morning screaming coming from downstairs.... he is eating food in front of DS and DS is hungry and he hasn't made him any sad I asked why he didn't make DS food and he said 'I don't have time maybe you should get up earlier?!' .... I do ALL THE NIGHT FEEDS, Cooking cleaning you name it!!! I have asked for a weeny bit of help!!! And I get a shit ton of attitude. I honestly can't cope with him sometimes!!

He came in from work the other day and I asked if he would mind bathing the baby. DP hadn't seen him for two days as the baby had been in bed by the time he got home.... he said 'most men wouldn't help with the baby the minute they got in they would want a break' ... then sloped off into the bathroom...sad He works very hard... six days a week. I understand it's tough, I do. But it's not easy being a SAHM either! I only wanted a small break in the morning... surely it's not too big and ask?! AIBU??

SignedUpJust4This Wed 12-Jun-19 08:43:20

Ask him when you get a break? Because when he gets in from work you are still working all evening and 24hrs a day.

Agree 3 evenings a week where he does bed and bath. He's a lazy selfish shit.

tenlittlecygnets Wed 12-Jun-19 08:46:22

He made himself some food and didn't make any for ds? And blamed you for it?

Fuck me, he really is setting the bar low on looking after his own ds.

Tell him that yes, most men want to look after their wives and their own dc, most men put their families above themselves and the gym, and if you divorced he'd have to look after his dc by himself.

Angry on your behalf. What a twat.

GlossyTaco Wed 12-Jun-19 08:46:55

He should get up with the baby on his day off. A nice 3/4 hour block of sleep at least once a week would really help you.

He may complain that he gets up early for work 6 days a week, but when you have a partner that does all of the night feeds you have to step up.

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 09:44:12

Thanks everyone, you know sometimes I think that I am being unreasonable and he is working really hard and I should be doing all of the childcare as a 'SAHM' ... but I might just feel this way because he MAKES me feel this way.

He always acts like such a hero whenever he does the smallest thing too... he took the baby to his sisters for an hour so I could do the hoovering (DS is scared of the Hoover) and he said, 'you had a break all afternoon' ... UMMMM I was hoovering for ONE HOUR. That's not all afternoon and it's not a break!!!

He was actually a decent guy before the baby. Now he is like a different man sad

7yo7yo Wed 12-Jun-19 09:46:43

Make plans to leave.
This is who he really is.
IF he can got to the gym at 0430, he can look after his own child.
Useless cunt.

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:03:17

I don't have any money, and I live in his family's apartment. His dad owns it. So he would never leave me here. I would have to go to a shelter with the baby sad my parents have a small house and couldn't / wouldn't fit us... plus they have a small aggressive dog. Feel a bit trapped tbh. But home life is shit.

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:05:24

I'm debating going back to work full time and getting my own place. But would have to leave LO 5 days a week, which I would hate sad

Rainbowqueeen Wed 12-Jun-19 10:06:14

If you’re not married go back to work.
Then start making an exit plan
Sorry flowers

averythinline Wed 12-Jun-19 10:10:11

Go bak to work - it'll be much better for DS to be looked after by professionals at a nursery than be with a DF who doesnt give a toss about him..

if you go back FT then maybe over time you wil be able to change your working hours?

would your old job have you back? would start there..

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:15:54

We arnt married no...

I was a medical sales rep. So I went around all the hospitals in South West / Wales area selling medical equipment. Lots of over-night stats and long unpredictable hours. Would be a nightmare with child care. confused pay was really good though. I could afford to get a nice place. I just would miss the baby so much. And I hate the thought of him being at nursery 10hours a day sad uurrrgggghhhhh why did I have a baby with a total BELLEND

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:16:55

No option for PT or shorter hours sadly ... but I would be away from that dickhead

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 10:17:32

They would have me back. My boss said he would have me back anytime if there was a free job... just hope my post hasn't been filled already. Sales jobs go quick

misscph1973 Wed 12-Jun-19 14:18:46

Sadly a lot of men think that if the mum is a SAHM, it means that she is 100% responsible for baby and the home. I think you are going to have to have a very serious chat to him because you are not being unreasonable, he is. You are going to end up resenting him if you don't get this sorted. Take it from someone who tried, but didn't get the message through. It got worse and we are now divorced. And I wasn't SAHM. So beware that if you go back to work, it is not necessarily going to change his perspective.

Jbonesmumma1 Wed 12-Jun-19 16:18:34

Thanks for your response! It is very unfair. I understood I would be doing the lion share of baby related tasks but he seems to have relinquished all responsibility entirely! I am going to try and talk to him. Though I don't think it will make a difference as he doesn't actually think that he is wrong. He fully believes I am being totally out of line... sad such a shame as I really wanted us to be a family and he said he did too. The reality is so much different

Bohonotbojo Wed 12-Jun-19 20:57:46

Sounds tough, it can be very hard adjusting. Is there a way he could work less and you could work more? 6 day week scaffolding sounds hardcore, but then so is constant childcare!

FrenchBoule Wed 12-Jun-19 22:37:21

OP, start making a plan how to leave. I can’t imagine how parent can be so selfish to eat at the front of hungry child and not give them anything. Shocking.

eve34 Thu 13-Jun-19 06:57:08

Yep. I had one of them . For 2 years I was surviving on 4 hours sleep or 6 hours broken sleep. Then another 2 years broken sleep. Apparently I could sleep in the day. And his work was more important. I never got a lie in. Or a night off. I couldn't argue with him he was always right.

I just got on with it. I should of packed up and left. He should want to spend time with your son. It won't get better I'm afraid.

Ex met ow and left. It's not been easy but home life is calmer

I would look at going back to work. You don't have to go back to your old job. Sales is a massive area. Work/life balance is more important. Start getting yourself into a position that if you want to leave you can. Look into child minders. They are cheaper and more flexible and offer a more homely environment. None of us want to be away from our children. But if you get a good balance I am a better parent because I work/have a sense of purpose and adult life.

You and your ds deserve better.

DonnaDarko Thu 13-Jun-19 07:03:40

My advice is go back to work. You shouldn't have quit work as you are not married. It's one of the reasons why I decided not to be a SAHM, along with the fact that i didn't want my career to stagnate.

If he won't pull his weight, it sounds like you would be better off on your own as you'll at least have one less person to clean up after! A friend of mine left her partner of over a decade and she is so much happier now, she even gets more free time as he sees their DC every other week.

prawnsword Thu 13-Jun-19 07:27:56

I would get back to work ASAP & make plans to leave. The laws in the Uk aren’t very progressive for unwed parents, it’s quite backwards ! I find with all these types they have an ingrained misogynistic streak inside them. They will have ideas on what men’s & women’s roles are.

CostanzaG Thu 13-Jun-19 07:35:01

For a start it's not 'helping' it's being a parent. He isn't being a parent....you're both an inconvenience to him.

Good parents do start parenting as soon as they get in from work. My DH would get home from work and take the baby off me immediately to give me a break and on Fridays he'd take him all night.

I going back to work is a sensible idea.

PolarBearBubbles Thu 13-Jun-19 07:42:45

Please stop framing it as 'help'. If you see it as helping you, you're essentially saying it's your job.
Hope he sorts himself out asap, it's ridiculous how many women on these boards are dealing with such wastes of space for partners.

Jbonesmumma1 Thu 13-Jun-19 07:43:41

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to reply. It's really made me realise how much of a selfish arsehole he is. I am furious at him for not feeding joey and have not spoken to him since. I have contacted my old boss and my job is available still. I'm so torn whether or not to go back with the childcare situation. I might try and look into an au pair? My boss suggested it, said if I rented a small house she would live with us and it's super cheap!? Like £80 a week!! I think I would like the company too tbh. But it Sounds to good to be true... anyone have any experience of using these?

Sadly DP has to work the six days a week, even if I work myself...as he is the scaffolding supervisor on a large building site. So he sorts kit out etc on Saturday ready for the week. He's always worked 6 days as long as I've known him.

I honestly dont know how a man can be so callous and cold towards their gf / son he literally is heartless. I know I would be better off alone. Just hard coming to terms with the reality of the situation sad

AgentJohnson Thu 13-Jun-19 07:49:22

He was actually a decent guy before the baby. Now he is like a different man.

Er, no he wasn’t, he was always this guy but you’re never needed his support and/ or have been this dependent on him before. You won’t be the first woman to witness an unashamed selfishness present itself when some men become a ‘parent’. You can not imagine how deeply ingrained in men that parenting is a woman’s responsibility.

cranstonmanor Thu 13-Jun-19 07:51:07

I'm debating going back to work full time and getting my own place. But would have to leave LO 5 days a week, which I would hate

The other working mums don't actually love leaving their kids 5 dats a week... it's just necessary for them.
You can ring an au pair agency and ask what it costs. You would have to provide for meals also, and I think they work 30 hours a week or so. Best to find out.

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