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Can you split while attached?

(8 Posts)
Musteringupthestrength Wed 12-Jun-19 06:23:14

My DH and I have been having problems for over a year. We agreed to separate recently, then went back on it but now need to make decisions as our rented home is being sold! So do we move out together or apart?

I’ve discovered the reason separation is so hard is because I feel so attached to him. It’s almost like he’s a part of me. Even though he has made me cry & not been what I needed half the time ...

So the question. Did any of you separate/divorce while still feeling attached ?

He has done really hurtful things but I honestly don’t think he ever intended to hurt me so I will never hate him.

jamaisjedors Wed 12-Jun-19 06:29:07

I have recently split from my abusive husband and initially it felt like cutting off my own arm.

I was (am) definitely still attached, you can't just switch off 20 years together.

But it has absolutely been the best decision For me and events around the split have shown me that.

Only you know if things are "bad enough" but grief over the separation and about losing the life you had and the person you love (d) are normal afaik.

Musteringupthestrength Wed 12-Jun-19 06:46:03

I admire you more than you can imagine.

On the way to my birthday celebration, he told me to ‘go f**k myself’ when we were in the car (I was annoying him) & he also told me he’s ‘so f**kin sick of me.’ (Again, I was annoying him) I’ve pleaded with him to stop cursing at me but when he’s angry, that’s what he does! He has a genuinely good heart though.

How did you finally cut the chord? I really need advice on this as I just can’t seem to let go and I feel more attached to him than anyone.

jamaisjedors Wed 12-Jun-19 17:51:14

OMG he doesn't sound like he has a good heart !!!

I have 3 (!) long-running threads on here about my "sulking DH" and then "leaving sulking H"

I went back and forth for years, he convinced me there were no problems. I got to the end of my tether in December after a disasterous weekend away but even then I got pulled back in when he said he would get counselling and we could get marriage counselling.

In the end (as my own counsellor had said) the marriage counselling showed me that he wasn't willing or in fact wasn't capable of making even the tiniest change and so helped me on my way out the door (with a huge pain like bereavement).

I recommend seeing a psycho-therapist or a counsellor - they can't and won't tell you what to do but can help you identify what you want, help you try to get it in your relationship, and if that doesn't work, help you come to terms with that too.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself if you think it's just a bad patch, but don't let it drag on for the rest of your life either.

I read a book called : "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" which helped a lot too.
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B002RI937Y/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

Plus all the amazing mners who cheered me on and talked sense to me when I was wobbling.

Musteringupthestrength Wed 12-Jun-19 21:18:57

I know. I gave a pretty crappy example of his behavior! He ‘apologised’ by getting me a glass of Prosecco! He’s not like that all the time & we oscillate back & forth a lot.

I went for a lot of counseling last year. The counselor was quite straight talking and urged me to make some kind of decision. Things are better in my marriage now though but never great.

I read that book and concluded I should leave but still felt uncertain because it’s not that bad.

It’s just so confusing. On the one hand, he flies off the handle & hurts my feelings when we fight. On the other, he’s good around the house, has good ‘get up and go’ and is the only husband I’ve got! hmm

I admire Anyone, like you, who finally made a decision because I find it so tough to. Even practically, I don’t know where I’d go...

Do you find it hard not to contact him? Do you feel better since leaving ?

Musteringupthestrength Wed 12-Jun-19 21:21:06

P.S. I hope I didn’t bother you with all the questions. I re-read your answer; so I’ll check out your threads. flowers

jamaisjedors Wed 12-Jun-19 21:30:46

Perhaps you need to think about the practical things like where you would live, what changes you would make, what your life would look like?

I found once I had set up a bank account and visited a house etc (and decided where I could live) things were clearer, although I will say leaving the house is heart-wrenching in itself - but now I'm glad I'm making a new start.

As to whether I feel better since leaving, hopefully you'll get some other answers - I 100% feel better and know it's the right decision but it doesn't mean I don't miss some parts of my old life.

My H has had a sort of breakdown and so that has complicated things immensly but also cut short any thoughts of going back because I was told that I should stay away from him for my own safety so there is no temptation there.

There is a thread in divorce/separation I think about leaving H - several points of view from women leaving their husbands but not sure if it's right or not. I'll see if I can find it again.

Musteringupthestrength Wed 12-Jun-19 21:53:36

Thanks.

It’s the practical aspects that hold me back tbh. We share a dog and I don’t know if I could handle not seeing the dog anymore. We have separate finances, thankfully but my income doesn’t seem to be enough to live alone. Rents are high high high!. I wish he could give me some space. I just feel like I’m in a permanent ‘blah’ state and need a break from all of this.

Thanks re other threads.

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