My partner and I moved in together in a new city after being together 5 years. We both got new jobs (separate). I found it really hard to integrate at my job as everyone was in cliques. There were 3 other co-workers in my immediate team who were all very close and often went out together to the shop, never inviting me. I felt really low there.
After a few months at a work party it was an open bar and I had no food. I ended up getting quite drunk and tried to socialise more. Then at the end myself, and the three other co-workers then went into town afterwards to drink more. I remember going to one bar and then when we got to the second I remember having a drink and then nothing after that for hours. I entered into an alcohol blackout (used to get them a lot when I was at University and single). The next thing I remember is hours later and being in a taxi with one of the three co-workers. I have no idea where the other two were. I didn’t know where I was going in the taxi, but nor did it enter into my head to even question it.
We went back to the co-workers apartment and I was immediately taken into his bedroom. He did foreplay on me (hands only) and I just lay there. He then moved to have sex with me and I put my hand over my ‘private parts’. He then paused for a while then got a condom and proceeded to have sex with me. I didn’t stop him and I didn’t say no. I remained fully clothed apart from my underwear throughout. I didn’t kiss him and didn’t touch him. But I did not stop him. Although I felt too drunk to speak as I remember him saying something to me and I couldn’t respond, yet I found the entire thing very sobering. I remember wanting it to stop while it was happening but not stopping it. Not because of any physical threat but just because I am a weak person who struggles in general with saying no. I feel like the way I’ve wrote that makes it sound awful but I was probably making all the right noises for him as he was a very good looking and charismatic person that I would have fancied had I been single. However, my relationship really was perfect with my partner. There was no reason for me to do this other than pure selfishness.
After it ended I got up grabbed my things and ran out without a word. It was daylight and I have no idea how. So much of the evening is missing and I have no sense of timings of anything.
It’s been four years since that night and I am consumed with grief and guilt. I’ve been with my partner since who has no clue and now we are engaged to be married. The co-worker and I barely spoke after that and then he moved away around 6 months later, as did the other two co-workers. He was also in a relationship at the time and is still with the girl.
I know if I told my partner he would never see me in the same light and I think it is very unlikely he would be able to forgive me. This is made worse by the fact he recently had an emotional affair with a colleague that I have forgiven but gave him absolute hell over. I feel like a hypocrite but probably would have ended it with him if this hadn’t happened to me. I was able to think to myself that people do make mistakes. Since then we have been so good and I am so happy with him. But I fret about this on a daily basis. I guess I just wanted to offload my experience somewhere.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I cheated and I am consumed by it
sadness11 · 11/06/2019 13:52
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