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I cheated and I am consumed by it

(58 Posts)
sadness11 Tue 11-Jun-19 13:52:11

My partner and I moved in together in a new city after being together 5 years. We both got new jobs (separate). I found it really hard to integrate at my job as everyone was in cliques. There were 3 other co-workers in my immediate team who were all very close and often went out together to the shop, never inviting me. I felt really low there.

After a few months at a work party it was an open bar and I had no food. I ended up getting quite drunk and tried to socialise more. Then at the end myself, and the three other co-workers then went into town afterwards to drink more. I remember going to one bar and then when we got to the second I remember having a drink and then nothing after that for hours. I entered into an alcohol blackout (used to get them a lot when I was at University and single). The next thing I remember is hours later and being in a taxi with one of the three co-workers. I have no idea where the other two were. I didn’t know where I was going in the taxi, but nor did it enter into my head to even question it.

We went back to the co-workers apartment and I was immediately taken into his bedroom. He did foreplay on me (hands only) and I just lay there. He then moved to have sex with me and I put my hand over my ‘private parts’. He then paused for a while then got a condom and proceeded to have sex with me. I didn’t stop him and I didn’t say no. I remained fully clothed apart from my underwear throughout. I didn’t kiss him and didn’t touch him. But I did not stop him. Although I felt too drunk to speak as I remember him saying something to me and I couldn’t respond, yet I found the entire thing very sobering. I remember wanting it to stop while it was happening but not stopping it. Not because of any physical threat but just because I am a weak person who struggles in general with saying no. I feel like the way I’ve wrote that makes it sound awful but I was probably making all the right noises for him as he was a very good looking and charismatic person that I would have fancied had I been single. However, my relationship really was perfect with my partner. There was no reason for me to do this other than pure selfishness.

After it ended I got up grabbed my things and ran out without a word. It was daylight and I have no idea how. So much of the evening is missing and I have no sense of timings of anything.
It’s been four years since that night and I am consumed with grief and guilt. I’ve been with my partner since who has no clue and now we are engaged to be married. The co-worker and I barely spoke after that and then he moved away around 6 months later, as did the other two co-workers. He was also in a relationship at the time and is still with the girl.

I know if I told my partner he would never see me in the same light and I think it is very unlikely he would be able to forgive me. This is made worse by the fact he recently had an emotional affair with a colleague that I have forgiven but gave him absolute hell over. I feel like a hypocrite but probably would have ended it with him if this hadn’t happened to me. I was able to think to myself that people do make mistakes. Since then we have been so good and I am so happy with him. But I fret about this on a daily basis. I guess I just wanted to offload my experience somewhere.

Wenttoseainasieve Tue 11-Jun-19 13:57:49

He had sex with you without your consent. It's still a grey area it seems to many people, but men have been convicted of rape in the same sort of circumstance. Have you had any counselling/therapy to help you deal with this?

Butterflyone1 Tue 11-Jun-19 13:59:10

I'm sorry this sounds truly awful but I'm very confused as you say you had alcohol blackout however you have given so much detail about what happened? How is that possible?

It sounds like rape but the fact you said you had alcohol blackout doesn't sound right. I'd suggest going to the police though.

Best of luck.

Iwishyouwell Tue 11-Jun-19 14:00:00

This is not cheating.

incywincyspiders Tue 11-Jun-19 14:00:21

This is not cheating, this is rape.

sadness11 Tue 11-Jun-19 14:01:20

I am sorry for the confusion I was in an alcohol blackout for the night out in the bars/clubs have no idea where I was but my memory returns when I am in the taxi. It’s not proper memories but snippets and then I felt more sober when I was in his apartment.

Bluerussian Tue 11-Jun-19 14:02:09

You have to forgive yourself for this, sadness, don't let it eat away and spoil your life. We all make mistakes but your biggest error of judgement was having too much to drink, your colleague raped you and that is simply awful.

Please try to view this incident as you would had it happened with someone else. You'd encourage them to get on with their life and not be hard on themselves.

I won't say anything about your partner's 'emotional affair', it seems that has been dealt with and he didn't take it any further. You're engaged to be married and happy together.

Try to be happy in yourself too and leave the past behind.
flowers but no wine.

Fedoratheexploreer Tue 11-Jun-19 14:02:56

This wasn’t cheating

incywincyspiders Tue 11-Jun-19 14:15:34

She doesn't have to forgive herself for anything. There was one person responsible here. Putting your hands over your private parts is making it clear that that the sex is non-consensual and therefore it's rape. It doesn't matter how much she drank, it was NOT her fault.

Zakana Tue 11-Jun-19 14:17:47

Leave the past where it deserves to be along with your guilt and get on with your life, it sounds dodgy to me as clearly you were at the very least extremely intoxicated. Don’t spend another moment on it, you will chew yourself up inside. Hugs xx

Sexnotgender Tue 11-Jun-19 14:18:30

That sounds awfully like rape to me.

Musti Tue 11-Jun-19 14:27:40

I think the reason you feel so awful is because you were raped sad . I'm so sorry op, but to me it sounds like you didn't consent to have sex with this man and he raped you. I think some people freeze when they are in danger and it may be a survival mechanism.

Thatsalovelycuppatea Tue 11-Jun-19 14:37:10

It sounds like he spiked your drink. You'd colleague should have made you feel safe, not assaulted you. I am so sorry and I think you should speak to hr, they can advise you on what to do. Avoid being alone with him again.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow Tue 11-Jun-19 14:37:38

Agree - it reads to me like he raped you. I would not call this cheating.

I’d suggest counselling to work through your feelings. After that you will have a clearer head and can decide whether to tell your partner.

PicsInRed Tue 11-Jun-19 14:37:41

Another vote for "that's rape, not cheating".

He did that on purpose, probably prefers un or impaired consent sexual activity.

That's not cheating. You need counselling and I'm so sorry. flowers

Illstartexercisingtomorrow Tue 11-Jun-19 14:38:39

Meant to add - sorry you have been through this flowers

Have you seen the ‘cup of tea’ consent video? Makes things very clear.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow Tue 11-Jun-19 14:39:20

youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ

bloodywhitecat Tue 11-Jun-19 14:48:54

You didn't cheat, you were raped. You have nothing to forgive yourself for flowers, please try to seek help for the trauma you have been through.

Meowington Tue 11-Jun-19 14:53:10

@sadness11 the only thing you’re guilty of is drinking too much and there won’t be many of us here that haven’t done the same a million times (blackouts included).

This was not consensual, in such situations people go into automatic pilot mode, not protesting wildly doesn’t mean you’ve consented (nor does making all the right sounds).

You were quite clear when you covered your private parts with your hand but even after a brief consideration he decided to ignore this and take advantage of you.

You need to forgive yourself, be kind to yourself and get some counselling to help you move on from what this asshole did.

Newyearbollocks Tue 11-Jun-19 16:07:52

This is rape!

ScreamingLadySutch Tue 11-Jun-19 17:20:20

You didn't cheat, you got raped.

bluechairs Tue 11-Jun-19 18:49:42

Tell him. I did and DP does see me in the same light and was far more forgiving than I was of myself. Several years on we are genuinely better than ever and he knows, because I told him, that he can trust me to always be honest.

You can only get trust back if you can turn a new leaf and be trustworthy once more.

BlackPrism Tue 11-Jun-19 18:50:37

Although actually if you don't remember it then honestly I don't think that's cheating I think that's assault.

Noimaginationxyzz Tue 11-Jun-19 18:58:50

Don't let something awful that happened To You (not a course of action you chose) spoil your life. You must allow yourself to let that incident go. It happened; it's gone, it in no way equates to cheating. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Let yourself be happy.

ittakes2 Tue 11-Jun-19 18:59:32

I was sexually assaulted as a child and during it...I did nothing. I froze. It was hard to forgive myself for not fighting him away from me but at the time I was afraid for my life - and confused. There have also been times as a young adult where I have said no - and been ignored - and I have still not resisted in a way I thought I would.
Someone once posted a really helpful powerpoint on mumsent about how its a natural response when you are vunerable and get into tricky circumstances to not stop things. You brain is lagging behind your body - trying to work out how you got to this place, how you feel about it and what to do about it - and how to keep yourself safe.
You did not cheat - you were drunk and he took advantage of you. Forgive yourself, see a sexual assault councillor and work out a way together to tell your finance. You don't have to tell him...but I think this is eating away at you. It is also likely to be causing problems in you - you can't be completely honest with him and he would sense that.
I can't promise you a fairytale ending - but quite frankly if he has had an emotional affair it could be because he feels you are emotionally shut off from him due to your secret. Find the best way to tell him and do it - I expect he will need time to process things but hopefully he will come around and you will be in a better place as a couple.
But regardless of your relationship - you need to forgive yourself. You are human, you made the mistake of drinking too much but as you explained you were nervous and you will know a million people who have also done this. See this for what it is - this man sadly took advantage of you.

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