House Purchase

[sxround]

I have been living with my partner and her 15yr old daughter and 23 yr old son for 3 yrs now in her house (rented).
I own my own home outright that is 50 miles away and have tenants in it to provide income for us.
We dream of buying our own home together and we are in a position to do so when the right house crops up in the right area. This has now happened, so all I need to do is sell my own home and buy the new one outright which is very achievable for us. Problem I have is I really have a bad feeling about her son. He is financially abusive towards his mum, and also to his now ex-girlfriend. I really cannot face the prospect of him moving into a house I have bought and worked hard for as I fear it will come between my partner and myself. He is showing no signs of ever wanting to get his own place or even trying despite the fact he is quite comfortably off financially with 10-12k savings and no debt. My Parter is in love with this house and my concerns are going to cause trouble I know, but my gut instinct is to hold back. AIBU?

[SpringerLink]

At 23 its time to talk about him moving out. Could the house move be the prompt that you need to talk to your partner about it?

[sxround]

I agree at the age of 23 he should, but I do not want to be the one responsible for breaking up my partners family if it is not what he wants. My Partner would then have grounds to resent me. That is my fear and I think her son is aware of this and plays it to his advantage.

[LemonTT]

I don’t see any resolution to this other than you both talking about it.

There are three options

• you all live together but this makes you unhappy and it is not what you want
  
• you buy your own place and live there on your own leaving your partner to be with her children until her son moves on
  
• the adult son gets his own place as part of the move.
  

But the conversation needs to be had. You not only don’t like her son but you think he is abusive to her and others. Even when he moves out there will be problems because he will still be in your lives. It is going to be a tricky conversation. She obviously loves her son and may not be willing to accept his short comings or at least what they mean for other people.

Perhaps you could work through this with a counsellor to stop things escalating in a negative way.

[sxround]

So you think I will have a problem with him even when he moves out? Feeling a little trapped but I do love my partner, and also have a great relationship with her younger child. It is just her son who is a selfish nightmare. We have tried talking to him but he just yells and storms off like a 5 year old. He tells an awful lot of lies too which is hard for his mother to accept even though most other people see right through them.

[sxround]

Very hard to have a conversation with him

[ChuckleBuckles]

YANBU to listen to your gut instinct, you know and live with these people everyday and will have to tolerate their behaviour.

If it doesn't feel right at the moment put the brakes on buying a new home, another house will come on the market. In the mean time have a discussion with your partner about how the future looks for you all.

I don't think you could buy with the caveat in place that the son is not moving in too, your partner will come to resent you for that (even though it is reasonable to expect an adult to move on and be independent) but neither should you be pressured into buying this house to please her.

[Meowington]

My Dad this situation with my step-mum and her two sons. Repeatedly tried to positively encourage them to fly the nest.

Years later both are still living at home at age 30 and 36 and show no signs of leaving. It has driven a huge wedge between my Dad and his DP. They have no privacy in their own home.

I’d buy the dream home, move into it by myself rather than live with someone I didn’t want to live with. Maybe she can join you when the kids fly the nest... if they ever do!