Hi there
I’m really sorry but I hope its ok to ask for some advice here. I’m a man :) but I can’t really talk to anyone about the problems and I just need to feel like I am doing the right thing or not, it’s so difficult. I have been reading some threads here over the time and it’s been massively helpful, there are few places for the emotional support people need.
My wife and I have been married for over a year but we have been together for 14 years. We both thought we were happy and everything was good until last week when she came to me to say that “she had met someone else”. My world collapsed. We have been trying for a child for a short time and I expected some news on that, it was hugely damaging. Now, the story is more complex and I’ll try to be relatively short, my wife has the habit of letting her emotions override her and her tact isnt great, she is legendry for it ;)
Basically we are both now very comfortable financially and the plan was to be prepared for a child and get a real head start for what was to come. Along with us just paying the mortgage and us trying for a child which of course has not happened, it now is clear to us both that a huge amount of stress has impacted us in the past few months without us realising. It’s a massive list, conceiving, deaths, ill health in the family, metal health of friends, her job is depressing, you name it, the list is long. We didn’t realise this and just got on with it as you do.
While this was happening she was getting closer to another man at her hobby which is so painful to even write. She has felt a connection with him and I am confident nothing has happened but this has triggered the conversation. After my disbelief and massive stress I do what I always do and try to help and resolve any issues. Straight away she agreed she wanted to be with me but had lustful feelings for this other person which made her feel so guilty and she had to talk. We have a good strong relationship on that side, even with all this, we both very much trust each other not the “cross the line” although my pain is that I feel it has crossed. Nothing physical, but it is emotional.
I’m so sorry for the long history. So on the day we agreed on a plan together to help resolve her happiness together and at work, she handed in her notice and we really felt that the path was clear. We have lots to do and we’ll make time for each other in many ways.
The issue now is that although we have a clear path that we both agree will take us forward she has now said that she needs to get the other guy out of her system. By that she means that she needs some time to speak with him to “close” it for the sake of our relationship. She won’t cheat on me, I am highly confident of that, she would leave me herself if she did.
As this was happening she has had a sort of sexual awakening at the same time, basically she is having urges and feelings that she hasn’t had before and is finding it difficult to control. It all feels like you couldn’t make it up, a perfect storm. I do feel sorry for her feeling like that as I know myself how powerful those feelings can be, but you learn to control them. I just dont think she went through that when she was younger.
We both agree that from a sex only perspective that we are both missing something and that it wasn’t an issue in the relationship before. We also both agree that we believe we can make that side improve as my own sex drive was much higher before and now adjusted to hers, but her drive is now going wild. We have had our own passion but it isnt 100% for us both although it was great and we do think it will greatly improve.
I have so many worries and so many thoughts, I suppose I’m just looking for advice. She has asked me to trust her and I absolutely do. She has asked if she can see this man to bring closure for them both through conversation only. I promise that is true, it’s hard to convey the strengths that are there but it’s true. Her personality is also one which is anything that people tell her not to do is like a red rag to a bull, it’s a total Catch 22 but we both know each other so well.
Sorry for all of this, any advice or maybe someone with experience might be able to help me as I feel so alone with everything to lose. I love her with all my heart but I feel broken, I feel like I'm losing out to something new and exciting while having given so so much. Part of me wants to be hard on her and tell her to sever it now but her personality is one of reacting poorly to being told, I don’t want to have to call her bluff, we've both worked so hard to get to where we are together.
All the best
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Needing some advice on my relationship/wife/sex
Haku · 08/06/2019 10:07
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