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just learnt am in abusive relationship

(190 Posts)
Aggh Fri 07-Jun-19 14:33:04

Have just learnt that Im in an abusive relationship thanks to you amazing mns.Who knew? How could something so seemingly sensible be controlling?
well, I knew, but was trying not to. So thankyou mns for pointing me in the right, if painful, direction.
Thanks to your wise advice, I went to see a counsellor who has advised me to call womans aid. OMG. Have just downed far too much booze so apologies. am ...totally...shocked. and i still have to act normal for the kiddies.
sorry, its just that i dont have any mates to call (apparantly normal). Completely wierded out. And hubby to be coming home soon, been suggested I act normal in case, so better get the homemade pizza on so we can all have a normal friday night. wtf? feel like Jason Bourne in my own home. anyone want to add some sense to all this confusion, feel free!

Theworldcouldbemymollusc Fri 07-Jun-19 16:16:42

Me too. You are not alone. It’s like the world has turned upside down.

AFistfulofDolores1 Fri 07-Jun-19 16:24:11

All I can say is that what you're feeling is entirely normal, as much as it is destabilising. It is when the fog clears and you start to invite in the dissonance of what you thought you had, and what is really there.

Keep up with the counsellor; it can be a very effective way of containing you - helping you to keep things together, to make sense of it, and to work towards getting yourself out and back into stability.

Fuckmyliferightnow Fri 07-Jun-19 16:28:42

I am also in an abusive relationship.

I'm reading Why does he do that? Which has been a massive eye opener.

He is also highly likely to be cheating on my, so just biding my time so I can get the fuck out with DC.

Sorry you are going through this.

SheepOnRafts Fri 07-Jun-19 18:07:46

The fact that you know what he is and he doesn’t know you know is sooo important. You’ll be tempted to lay it all out and tell him. Don’t. He’s been manipulating you for years. Now you have the knowledge. You have the power. You can manipulate the situation for the benefit of you and the kids in the long term. Play along as usual while you get your ducks in a row. I like the Jason Bourne analogy. Love those films.

Walkingwounded Fri 07-Jun-19 18:30:53

Same here.
We have now decided to separate. Still in same house but I recently spent a week away. After I came back....it’s amazing how much more clearly you see things- the controlling with moods, temper, passive aggressive etc.

Result is a massively emotional reaction. I cried in the estate agents today. Cried at house viewing. Cried in the car. Don’t know why.

The advice to stay quiet is the best .....but completely understand the feeling of bring weirded out, it’s like acting a part in your own home. When you leave, do, then you can start to live honestly again.

Fuckmyliferightnow Fri 07-Jun-19 20:00:37

Make a plan and pretend until you can leave.
It's tempting to get rid asap when you haven't solidified your plan, ie with finances and work and a home etc.

Fuckmyliferightnow Fri 07-Jun-19 20:01:22

I've started collecting documents.

Beth850 Fri 07-Jun-19 20:10:29

Same here but just waiting to hear off solicitors for access of our baby awful time

Fuckmyliferightnow Fri 07-Jun-19 20:28:35

That must be so stressful and costly sad

Fuckmyliferightnow Fri 07-Jun-19 20:32:15

Aggh
My Dp is very verbally abusive and highly entitled, he's also never wrong and he sulks as a means to get affection and sex.
It took me a long time to acknowledge it, but now I have I want to run. Not sure about you but I have a sense of guilt towards him, but I have been groomed to feel that way.

ChocAuVin Fri 07-Jun-19 20:37:02

Sending strength and hugs. When the scales finally properly fall from your eyes, it’s like the ground shifts under your feet. Having said that there is hope — you can leave and I’m living proof that you can be happy again — much, much happier than I ever allowed myself to dream was possible and certainly more than he ever told me I could hope to deserve. flowers

OhioOhioOhio Fri 07-Jun-19 20:38:56

It's taken me nearly four years to process it. It's awful.

Fuckmyliferightnow Fri 07-Jun-19 22:03:31

Choc so happy for you!

Ohio are you still in the relationship?
I'm ten years in sad

Theworldcouldbemymollusc Sat 08-Jun-19 08:56:16

I’m 13 years in. Only realised in the last few months. Had always put it down to him being a bit grumpy. Luckily his escalation in unpleasant behaviour coincided with me being at my strongest and recognising it. We can get through this.

Fuckmyliferightnow Sat 08-Jun-19 10:27:12

Do you plan on leaving?

WeeDangerousSpike Sat 08-Jun-19 10:37:57

How do you know? I mean, how do you know he's doing it on purpose? I'm not explaining very well.

DP has always been grumpy and huffy, I've had a really bad time mentally over the last year and about 6 months ago I broke down and told him I couldn't deal with his temper and tiptoeing around him - he went to anger management classes, he's got better, but he's still sulky sometimes and I spend a lot of time not saying things so as not to put him in a mood. But most of the time I don't think he's trying to be coercive or it's malicious, I think he gets in a bad mood and shows it, like we all do sometimes. I just don't know.

I would never have even considered it being emotional abuse if I hadn't started reading mumsnet.

How do I know?

Theworldcouldbemymollusc Sat 08-Jun-19 12:21:44

This is important

Theworldcouldbemymollusc Sat 08-Jun-19 12:23:09

And this link leads you to help including a quiz/screening type thing when you answer certain questions
www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

Ticklingcheese Sat 08-Jun-19 13:04:12

Do not Know if you are the One, i know. But whoever you are, i am so glad you are seeking help 😊.

Fuckmyliferightnow Sat 08-Jun-19 13:08:36

https://youtu.be/AOKmQRmwvdo

Fuckmyliferightnow Sat 08-Jun-19 13:22:06

https://youtu.be/GxVP8cBPL0M

Theworldcouldbemymollusc Sat 08-Jun-19 13:46:10

Let’s all keep taking little steps forward. There are loads of resources on here.

Fuckmyliferightnow Sat 08-Jun-19 18:36:26

It's so hard to be normal when the veil drops sad

Walkingwounded Sat 08-Jun-19 20:47:15

WeeDangerous - Sometimes it’s hard to see it as abuse when it doesn’t respond directly to all the ‘categories’ of abuse.

But at the end of the day, it you walk on eggshells/fear your partner’s temper/always go along with what he wants for an easy life/know you must in no way criticise or challenge him, then it’s at best unhealthy and at worst abusive.

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