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Can you split up without the need for solicitors?

(16 Posts)
Bumblepants Thu 06-Jun-19 19:13:12

My situation- been together a long time 20 yrs. married and two children 6 & 9. Both work, fairly good pay. Mortgage on the house with around £80k in equity if sold. Both have pensions. I have around £6k savings. Both have small cc debt. Not actually broached the subject with him yet but i think he senses its coming. Not been happy for a long time, no sex etc, ive detached. Dont do anything together. Live in the same house as friends.

Ideally, id like to stay in the house until youngest is at high school so four years. This is down to schooling, kids friends and general upset for them. I already do the sorting kids out etc so id like to carry on having main responsibility for the kids and EXH to have them some of the time. I work part time and school hours so this would still work well. EXH could initially move in with his parents who live very close by and away a lot (retired/away on holidays). Id hope we can stay on friendly terms and get on for the sake of the kids. Id be happy to split it all 50:50 and receive some CM for kids.

Apart from divorce, IF we can compromise on the other stuff, would we need to involve a solicitor or am i being naive? 😒

Sorry for the massive rambling post....Is it possible to complete the paperwork and divorce yourselves?

LemonTT Thu 06-Jun-19 19:45:53

Well yes it can be done without solicitors.
But it is probably unrealistic to assume your ex will live with his parents for any length of time. He will want his own place and for that he will need some of the equity. That is where the bone of contention could be. Divorce impacts on family finances and maintaining the previous standard of living is usually untenable unless you are very wealthy and conversely very poor.

booboo24 Thu 06-Jun-19 19:46:26

Hi, my husband and I didn't use a solicitor, we were married 16 years, he is the one that walked away. We agreed I'd stay in the house until our youngest leaves school (6 years time).

Ours was a very amicable split and we've remained friends amazingly! We just went online after the 2 years and divorced, simple as that! (it was not 'simple.emotionally at the time, so although I sound flippant we both went through the mill). We trust each other implicitly not to screw each other over and we never have, we've been separated 5 years now and divorced for 3. It can be done but only if you trust him not to cause you any problems.

sincethereis Thu 06-Jun-19 19:46:42

Yes! It’s often so much cheaper and more amicable ! Go for it smile

booboo24 Thu 06-Jun-19 19:49:54

What I would say is that it has obviously left us very tight for money. We live in a university town renowned for being ridiculously expensive, so for me to keep the house in a village where the kids go to school meant he had to move back in with his mum. He lasted 6 months before moving in with someone else, and between the mortgage and his rent we are barely staying afloat. We are managing though and it's served the kids well as their lives weren't disrupted school wise at all

Needsomebottle Thu 06-Jun-19 22:11:16

I'm in a similar position and have wondered the same. The only thoughts I'd add in that I've considered (but I need to break the finances down to see if it would be feasible for me) is that I'd consider telling him he doesn't have to pay maintenance to offset his rent costs whilst I get my finances in better order (fortunately I can do overtime at work) so I might be in a position to remortgage to buy him out. I'd still hope he'd pay half of out of school stuff, childcare etc but nothing to be me directly. It's possibly very naive and those who've been through it may say as much, but I'm just trying to think of the best way out for us both financially. Ultimately we started as a team, built our assets as a team and just because our end goal has changed I wouldn't like to see either one of us or the DC's feeling short-changed. As I say, might be v short sighted but is it something you could consider if he is unwilling to settle for what you offer initially?

Magp1e123 Thu 06-Jun-19 22:26:00

Running 2 households is more expensive than one
You say, you want to remain friends
In that case, why don't you both stay where you are & try to improve communication & do things together or as a family

Why should he go & live with his parents, you assume too much !

He should be able to afford his own place, plus space for the children
Could you parent 50/50 ?

Suggest you look into finances first

Bumblepants Fri 07-Jun-19 16:11:57

Thanks for your replies. If my parents were still alive id move there with the kids but i literally have no where to go unless i private rent. We are very close to his parents and see each other nearly every other weekend when they are back from holidays.

Ive looked around and there are a couple of places that are affordable to rent but i think its in the kids best interests to stay in the house in the area for school and friends. Sorry i know i must sound a cow presuming he will move back to his parents but its not that far away tbh so he can pop round when he likes, even on his way home after work. I just think that would be a good first step. Hed still have equity in the house that continues to build over those four years. He doesnt do anything to help with the kids usually (getting ready for school/bedtimes etc) as he leaves early 7am and gets back at 630pm. Another reason for me to keep them as i work school hours.

Id like to think it could be amicable following the initial upset but perhaps ive got my rose tinted specs on. Financially we have always kept money separate. Always both been employed. I think it could work as a 50:50 split of assets but the person with the kids gets CM payments to support the kids extra expenses.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 07-Jun-19 16:18:36

So can you afford the mortgage and bills on your own?
Do you really thing he will happy to move out and leave you in the house?
Do you know what his pension is compared to yours?

ArnoldBee Fri 07-Jun-19 16:19:06

Yes it can be done without involving solicitors but you are being rather presumptious. If I was told I was moving in my parents and you had it all planned out for me I really wouldn't be very happy and probably would run to a solicitor. So just pretend that he's told you that you're moving out and you can go and live with your parents. Doesn't feel so good now does it? If you're going to remain friends then you need to work on the arrangements together.

C0mfortZ0nez Fri 07-Jun-19 16:49:01

Yes you are looking with rose tinted glasses
You haven't answered why you are not interested in working on your marriage ?
2 households will be more stress than one physically, emotionally, financially
What happens if he moves miles away
I can't see many people eager to move back to their parents !

Lllot5 Sat 08-Jun-19 09:22:23

You’ve got it all worked out.
Imagine him saying this to you what would you say.
Can’t just tell him to move out and see the kids eow and carry on living in the house with no change to you.
Why can’t you both stay in the house and if you can’t make this work both wait until children are more settled.

Cath2907 Sat 08-Jun-19 09:52:59

I recently had a very amicable divorce. I got a solicitor for some basic advice on how to go about the paperwork. I had 3 meetings total and he prepared the filing for divorce and the financial order paperwork. Hubby and I came to an agreement together on reasonable and that was what we got. I passed on the information about process. He didn’t bother with a solicitor. It took less than 6 months from him leaving to Decree Absolute and cost me 1.4k in fees. Neither of us went to court. We didn’t do a child contact order as we are more than capable of agreeing that and I haven’t asked for maintenance. I earn more than him and would rather he spent the money on fun with our DD.

MMmomDD Sat 08-Jun-19 10:37:46

Amicable, quick and cheap divorces are possible when both parties are the the same place re the divorce being the best way to go.
Despite how you described your marriage and living separate lives - your H may not see it this way. Or may hope things would eventually get better.
So - only way to find out how it may go is to start a conversation about it. See where his head is.
Then you will know what is possible.

willowmelangell Sat 08-Jun-19 11:04:27

I very much doubt that your husband 'senses' that he is going to get kicked out, go back to living with his parents, pay half the mortgage until you pay it all, pay CM, and somehow fund a new place for him and then the kids to stay 50/50 after the divorce.
I see you have it all worked out, but I will be astonished if he sees it the same way.
Try talking to him before you reveal The Plan.

millymollymoomoo Sat 08-Jun-19 12:23:10

Well it certainly is possible to divorce amicably but I do think you sound a little naive in just thinking he’ll move back to his parents while you stay in a house he’s paying for etc. It’s not really allowing either of you to move on.

You mention initially he could move in with his parents-how long do you envisage him being At his parents because 4 years just won’t work imo. You seem to face it all planned that you keep the children, you remain in the house, you work part time and he contributes to the household as if he was living there.

I think you’re probably in for a surprise

And

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