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"My relationships a bit shit but I'm battling on anyway" Who's with me?

(31 Posts)
baubled Mon 03-Jun-19 20:20:24

Anyone else sticking in a relationship and battling to keep it going even though they know they might not succeed?

I've lost count of how many times I've wanted to leave but I'm just not at the point of walking out the door (yes, standard cliche - his house, not married, got a toddler).

Forever needing strength to get through our daily issues!

HerRoyalNotness Mon 03-Jun-19 20:23:21

Yes me. Added complication of no income and stuck in foreign country. No idea what the hell to do, so muddle on it is

baubled Mon 03-Jun-19 20:28:36

@HerRoyalNotness oh god that really is an added complication! I don't think I can even contemplate adding that in to the mix.

Is there visa restrictions on being able to work?

movecloser Mon 03-Jun-19 20:31:38

Yep; two young children and out of hours demands of my job keep me here mainly. If I didn't have those aspects in my life I'm not sure whether we would still be together.

goose1964 Mon 03-Jun-19 20:34:19

I have phases of this. We've been together over 30 years, but atm neither of us are able to work. He can be selfish, for instance he'll buy himself a sandwich filler that I either don't like or can't eat. If I tell him what he's done he will remember next time.

I don't think it's deliberate as he is an only child and lived on his own for 15 years before we met. But it does get to me at times

baubled Mon 03-Jun-19 20:43:27

Mines an only child and selfish too, it's clear he's very used to having everything his way and being the golden one!

I think we both want things to work but it's got to a point where we are both waiting for an argument so we're so defensive over everything the other says!

It makes me so sad to think how much love was in our relationship but he's now annoyed at anything and everything I do and in turn I'm snapping back every-time I'm told off he tells me what I've done/haven't done.

HerRoyalNotness Mon 03-Jun-19 20:50:44

We have residency, but I’ve been unable to find a job for 4yrs sad. He occasionally says you see me as a cash cow. Don’t know what he expects, oh just leave then, with 3 DC and support them how? He seems to be quite oblivious when I comment on how unhappy we are, or he’s just pretending and hope it solves itself

HerRoyalNotness Mon 03-Jun-19 20:56:00

I think my DH was the golden child and could do no wrong. He went from his mums to his first wife home, then back to his mum, then to me. He’s never lived alone and had to sort out all the day to day shit. The ‘wife work’ so to speak. Which makes him a bit of a useless tit. To be fair useful in some aspects.

But things like having to tell him to empty the trash when it’s full, give me a break. (I normally just do it but am resting a tennis elbow arm which just doesn’t seem to get fully better) or replacing toilet rolls, or mowing the lawns, or organising the kids presents or thoughtful things for the family. The drip, drip of inactivity has got me

DameFanny Mon 03-Jun-19 20:58:00

How much sooner could you be free of this if you took all the 'how to make this work' thought and energy and applied it to the 'alternative childcare, more money' etc problems that are your real blockers?

Use your creativity for good, not just-about-acceptable

MercedesDeMonteChristo Mon 03-Jun-19 21:01:05

Yep.

He is just so miserable. Won’t pull weight with kids stuff (costs + drop offs etc). This is the thing that gets me the most. He does look after them which largely involves watching TV.

I’ve wanted to leave since we got married to be honest but just went with it and now 3 kids later it feels like that ship has sailed. About 7 years ago though I decided that I would just do what me and the kids want and he can come along or not but I won’t tolerate holding up our lives.

We rub along. We have regular, decent sex which o think is probably what actually keeps us on an even keel.

I’m not unhappy now because I just crack on, but this means I foot a lot of the load and associated costs. I.E. if I don’t book flights etc we wouldn’t go on holiday which means I have to pay.

HerRoyalNotness Mon 03-Jun-19 21:08:24

That sounds familiar. Minus the sex. I stopped organising things about 7yrs a go. I was just too knackered with nothing coming back from it. Well I stuffed myself there as well as we’ve probably been on 3 ‘dates’ in that time. No more concerts or music festivals, no meals out with friends. He hasn’t got a single friend he could invite over or go for a beer with. He piggybacks off my friends, but still doesn’t do anything with their Ohs.

I’m trying to tell me kids, how important it is to have more than your immediate family in life. I’d hate for them to end up the same.

Keepithidden Mon 03-Jun-19 21:36:18

Another one here, stuck in a spiral of codependancy, young children, sole financial responsibility and now poor health of my partner. Its been rubbish for years but now I'm looking down the tunnel of being a carer on top of everything else.

Life is getting weary.

threesecrets Mon 03-Jun-19 21:44:50

My 'DH' just told me 'why don't you just listen?'. I know that doesn't sound back but the tone was so dismissing and contemptful. I was listening... in fact I was asking lots of questions so that I could understand more when that remark came. Maybe I should just shut the F up next time and say 'yes dear' instead of being genuinely interested.

baubled Mon 03-Jun-19 21:51:25

@threesecrets It doesn't matter what they say sometime does it, the tone is enough to hit the nerve

HerRoyalNotness Mon 03-Jun-19 21:54:36

Oh dear that sounds like me. Whatever I say rubs him the wrong way. So I try to say as little as possible. Although I had a moment of clarity the other day when another expat posted something like when we speak with our accent, it sounds very hard, so people don’t listen to the words, they just hear this ‘angry’ person talking. When we’re not! Constantly being asked, what’s wrong now? With a sigh. Plus I have RBF which adds to the wrong impression

I guess that’s what you get with someone with zero emotional intelligence

baubled Mon 03-Jun-19 21:59:28

@HerRoyalNotness maybe the lack of emotional intelligence is the common factor - does he lack basic empathy aswell?

HerRoyalNotness Mon 03-Jun-19 22:06:10

Yes he does. The way he reacts to the DC sometimes when he should just say sorry is childlike and Frankly ridiculous. I should film him next time.

baubled Mon 03-Jun-19 22:14:19

There's a whole load of double standards here, if I've not tidied things to a good enough standard, left a light on (once in a blue moon) forgot to get something from the shop etc is like the end of the world but if he forgets to put an alarm on it's okay, because his mind is taken up by other things, leaves pots for me coming in from a night out to clean in the morning is fine because he's got a sore arm, doesn't turn the light off but it's okay because it's just one of those things that happens.

All his reasons I'm absolutely fine with but there's no reasons for me, I'm just the idiot who can't do anything right.
Never mind that I'm working full time, running a business on the side and doing the lions share of childcare due to his new job.

MercedesDeMonteChristo Tue 04-Jun-19 06:46:29

Double standards definitely resonates here. I just agree and move on, it annoys him but what’s the alternative to argue pointlessly.

He was annoyed the kids wouldn’t go somewhere with him the other day so he proceeded to be grumpy over breakfast and generally make a fuss and make them feel bad. I just called him out and said his behaviour was the reason they didn’t want to go. The kids do enjoy spending time with him, this was particularly mundane Sunday morning stuff.

I have a theory about why he continues the way that he does and I think in my case there is some feelings of emasculation. I have always earnt more. I have always had more of a social life - he chose to give his up to Netflix. I am academically very successful right now comparatively to him so this takes some of my time too. He can go out, he can pursue interests - he can career change, he has chosen not to.

In terms of concerts, theatre etc, I either go with kids or friends. Theatre I just go by myself and it is liberating and I love it. Holidays when he creates a fuss I just repeatedly say the date is in the diary or ask if he will be coming or not and do it anyway.

The turning point for me was going back to uni when the kids were small, it gave me something and just transformed my outlook and desire to do things for me but also for the kids. He moans consistently about kids activities or if I take them out on the weekend (I work FT) because god forbid I haven’t spent all day cleaning. He then is very happy to talk about their achievements or how good and this or that they might be - he just doesn’t get that I put a lot of effort into those things. They don’t just happen.

lulabaloo Tue 04-Jun-19 06:56:30

This is me also, I've felt like this for a while. I no i would be ok without him but i just can't make that step and ask him to leave. What if i regret it?
We haven't had sex in a long time, i just don't feel anything sexual for him anymore, we are more like flat mates just plodding on together. He wants to work things out and always tries to be loving towards me, am i just stuck in a rut or is it over on my side xx

galadrialuk Tue 04-Jun-19 07:05:43

Just reading.. Makes me feel sad that others are going through similar to me, but equally reassuring I'm not going mad for feeling like this. Stuck. Unhappy. Want to get out, but not doing it. Oh and no sex, no date nights, bit numb in relationship area.

Ferfeckssake Tue 04-Jun-19 09:57:21

I am stuck with a cheater . Because married nearly 30 years! But money and responsibility of caring for a relative me and I or he can't leave. I dream of a money windfall and how fast I would leave.
If you can , find a way to get out now. Life is too short .flowers

Mumof3dogs Tue 04-Jun-19 18:00:39

Another one to join the gang!

Married 26 years and I'm getting to the end of my tether!

Another living abroad and have done for many years.Some parts have been great experiences but now kids are grown up we will be left on our own

I have been a SAHM to facilitate his career climb which had also meant that I get all the wife / homework . Plus haven't taken any opportunities to work in all that time .( my fault but with joint taxing it often wasn't financially worth it )
Don't get me wrong it's been amazing at times, but this last assignment has been so hard. What I thought would be chance to do more together with only 1 child at home, has not turned out as hoped and the marriage is going down the pan.

I'm now left with an increasingly grumpy git , who thinks I am either his employee/ slave / tart and treats me accordingly.
He's been unemployed since late October and still expects me to do everything and wants praise if he washes up or mows the lawn. ( no job offer yet as his attitude stinks!)
He has strong views on everything from global warming to brexit to LGBT life and lord help the family if we disagree.

After a couple of weeks away, he thought it was appropriate last night to lunge at me and my boobs which I didn't take too well.
He then had a rant at me later about my bad attitude towards him and us as a couple .

I'm trying to find some big girl pants to make my exit plans - thankfully I have the unerring support of my children .

Wish me luck - I'm crying into my Prosecco whilst he's oblivious in the other room ...

Justanamechange2 Tue 04-Jun-19 20:10:13

I’m just beginning to question things.

Another thread I read earlier (about someone’s partner meeting up with an old flame and lying about it), as hit me deeply. My DP of 3 years did something similar in our first year together - Ive now realised that it was the lying and disregard for me that hurts, and I’m not just an overreacting control freak. But it’s all been covered up by his love and affection for me since. Yet, it always stayed at the back of my mind.

But, mines another one where there’s codependency and financial restraints involved. I am in a low-paid job, while also having to pay for my degree. He’ll be earning double my salary come autumn.

What do I do....

baubled Tue 04-Jun-19 22:31:32

@Justanamechange2 Don't have kids with him, you'll feel even more trapped!

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