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Would you resume this relationship?

(116 Posts)
Sharpandshineyteeth Sat 01-Jun-19 19:55:11

DP of 5 years. We have 1 DC together (3yo) and I have 4 DC from previous marriage.

Relationship always a bit up and down. He would regularly lie to me about little things and could never really stick a job(great catch, I know 🙄)

2 years ago he got a job that was ideal for him but hardly paid and he was working 50+ hours. It caused so many arguments and in the end he drifted away from us. Spent more time at work.

October 2017 I got diagnosed with breast cancer. Horrible scary time, I had chemo x6, radiotherapy, double mastectomy and hysterectomy. He was a complete letdown during this time. He left on numerous occasions. Would leave me after chemo to go to parties etc. He was awful. He last left in feb 2019, after my hysterectomy. I told him via email that I would no longer accept this and he either stayed and tried to make a go of it or didn’t come back. He chose the latter.

FF 3 months and I’m doing great. Enjoying being single, most of my mental health problems have disappeared. I’m coping
With FT work and childcare, which I never thought I would be.

He got wind that I had been on a few online dates and went potty. He said he has finally realised what he lost etc etc.

It’s been 3 weeks of madness, he has been crying, unable to get up, has not gone into his work. He has now been prescribed anti. D for which I think is for his underlying MH issues where he buries his head in the sand, denies it all and makes up lies to cover his back.

But now he is recognising all of this and all that he has put me though. He wants to change and be better for me and the DC. He has done a complete 360 with his thinking.

My issue is, it’s a constant reminder of that horrible time in my life when I really needed him and he was a twat. I feel resentful that he is being the person I needed then, now. I feel like I would be on edge if I ever
Needed him again. He wants to work through all of this. Go to counselling etc etc. Even said he’d get a new job.

I do love him. I am a stronger, more resilient person now, So would you risk it again?

chipsandpeas Sat 01-Jun-19 19:58:40

no

babbi Sat 01-Jun-19 19:59:17

No I wouldn’t..
you have gotten to a good place ... don’t go back there ... it will drag you down . He has shown you who he is ... not reliable in a crisis ... not much good to you at all .
Your priority should be to be happy and take care of yourself to ensure you continue to enjoy good health.
Keep well ...

Notthetoothfairy Sat 01-Jun-19 20:04:17

No, you have done so well to get through this and should only get together with someone who can be trusted to really be there and support you when you need them.

helpmum2003 Sat 01-Jun-19 20:06:43

No - he'll do it again. You are worth so much more.....

user1493413286 Sat 01-Jun-19 20:06:56

No; before you said about the breast cancer then maybe but surely at that point he realised he could lose you and that he needed to be there for you. But it’s actually the idea of you being with other men which has shocked him into this. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s how it sounds.
Also his mental health is not your responsibility and don’t let him guilt you into anything.

Soconfusedandlost Sat 01-Jun-19 20:08:15

Not a chance, not on your nelly or mine, never never never never never.

So what I've implied there is that he was unable to support you through your shitstorm but would like you to captain his ship through his. In fact he didn't so much as abandon ship as threw a mental heath cannonball through your ship as it left the Dock.

This is not a "partner", he will never be your equal. You may forgive him but will you ever forget? Will you ever look at him and think "I'm glad you abandoned me at that crucial moment" other than to add "cos it showed me I didn't need a deadweight"?

To reiterate, not a partner. Is simply looking for you to mother him through a rough patch

DuchessOfBallybrack Sat 01-Jun-19 20:08:44

No.

Are you really so scared of being without a ''partner'' (in the eyes of bystanders) that you'd go back to this?

ElloBrian Sat 01-Jun-19 20:10:26

Nope.

KhaleesiTargaryen Sat 01-Jun-19 20:11:16

No, no, no, no!!
I was in a very similar position to you, although my breast cancer turned out to be a scare. He was totally unsupportive throughout the waiting periods between lump and mammogram. And because I was so stressed he said I was crazy and a nightmare to be with so wanted a break. I stupidly wanted him back... I was just so vulnerable in hindsight. From that moment on he treated me really badly until I finally ended it then a month later he found out I had started to date and BAM!!!
The tears, the long texts declaring me as his soul mate, the multiple texts and calls in a day (he was very frugal with texting prior to this), the “I’m a new man, now I see what I put you through and I’m so sorry.” The lists of what he’d do to change....

Bottom line; all my suffering and tears meant nothing, but as soon as he felt hurt he wanted my world to stop so he could get back on. If I’d never finished it and moved on he’d still be treating me like shit.

Please don’t go back, you’re just starting to enjoy life again.

TurboTeddy Sat 01-Jun-19 20:11:24

Sorry but no. Sounds like he thinks he owns you, he didn't want you when you needed him but he can't bear the thought of you being with anyone else. You really do deserve better than this weak excuse for a man.

DuchessOfBallybrack Sat 01-Jun-19 20:11:42

Ps, and I am going to have the CHEEK to suggest that you do not love him. No, I think you have a bond. Bonds can be positive or negative. But I am going to insist that you cannot possibly love a man who went to a party when you needed him when you had had chemo. That is not behavior that invokes love. You can feel a bond to somebody and you can grow to believe that you need their good opinion to feel valuable, but that is a mindset and it's NOT LOVE

HumptyNumptyNooNoo Sat 01-Jun-19 20:14:13

Resounding no from me too ( spot the theme!)

Halo84 Sat 01-Jun-19 20:15:25

Absolutely not.

Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

You saw who he is when you were at your lowest point and needed him. He sees he can use you now, there’s no need for you to rely on him. Why would you want a partner like that?

NeatFreakMama Sat 01-Jun-19 20:17:25

No I wouldn't.

WitsEnding Sat 01-Jun-19 20:17:52

No way, never. He's jealous and manipulative, on top of all the perfectly valid reasons you had to split up in the first place.

Hassled Sat 01-Jun-19 20:18:47

You're a stronger, more resilient person now because he's not dragging you down and adding to your stress - your strength is because of his absence, not despite it. You'd be a fool to lose that strength.

Summersunshine2 Sat 01-Jun-19 20:20:17

Wow OP. Well done for getting through all that.
If you choose to have a partner you deserve so much more than him.
As pp said HE HAS SHOWN YOU WHO HE IS.
Also never go back only forward.
thanks

Sharpandshineyteeth Sat 01-Jun-19 20:20:49

Awwww bugger!! Didn’t expect it to be quite so unanimous.

I suppose I’d like to have him back to be a family again and also everything he’s promising me now is what I wanted before. 😕

category12 Sat 01-Jun-19 20:21:03

God no.

It's easy to say the right things and cry, even make some changes for a couple of weeks, but in the long term as soon as he was complacent and had his feet back under the table, it's extremely likely he'd backslide and you'd be back where you started. Someone who could behave like that when you were going through cancer treatment isn't someone you can trust to share a life with.

You're doing well, your MH is improved, you're starting a new chapter - don't go back to an old one.

lovelylondonsky Sat 01-Jun-19 20:21:05

No. He didn't want to be with you when you needed him the most, what kind of arsehole behaves like that when their partner has cancer?! But he wants back when you have interest from other men? I never post on relationship threads but seriously, what an arsehole. Do not get involved with him again.

Figure8 Sat 01-Jun-19 20:21:27

My issue is, it’s a constant reminder of that horrible time in my life when I really needed him and he was a twat

Nooooòoooo

Your issue should be that he has NOT changed, he's panicking and saying what you want to hear.

My ex did exactly this ( signed off work when I started dating). Its because he is essentially a weak, half formed man who has nothing concrete to offer.

Turned out that he was dating someone else while we were having deep and meaningful conversations about ' the relationship'.

He's already shown you who he is- believe him.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 01-Jun-19 20:21:53

You would be insane to take him back. He is gaslighting you into believing he has "changed." Take him back and he will quickly revert to his true self, I guarantee it. Don't make such a massive mistake.

cocodash Sat 01-Jun-19 20:21:56

I will be shocked if anyone comes on here with the honest advice to get back with him.

Absolutely not.

Your better without him. Where was he when your MH and physical health was in jeapordy?

Fuck him.

something2say Sat 01-Jun-19 20:28:57

No I would not.

It would just be one more go round the merry go round, during which time you'll lose more....

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