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He's gone and I don't think he's coming back.

(369 Posts)
KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Sat 01-Jun-19 07:06:21

DH has gone. We've been together over ten years, have a young dc. He says he's fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else but I can't bear to talk about that
I feel like I'm going slowly insane and I can't hold it together. He's staying elsewhere, not with her, 'for a few nights' but I know in my heart he won't come back here and I can't have him here if he isn't with me. He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there and he doesn't know if they'll come back and it's too big a risk.
Please help me get through this, my dc keeps seeing me cry and they don't understand.

BillywilliamV Sat 01-Jun-19 07:09:59

Oh Sweetheart, I’m so sorry!
No real advice but there are so many wise women on here, use them to help comfort and guide you.
Do you have to be on your own,do you have a friend or relative that could come and be with you for a bit?

summerblonde Sat 01-Jun-19 07:13:45

You will get through this. Do you have anyone you can speak to?

KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Sat 01-Jun-19 07:15:15

I have family and friends close by but no one really knows yet and telling them makes it feel too official. Being on my own feels rotten but I don't want others around either, I'm so upset and nobody can do anything to make it better. They might want to talk about it/him as it will be a shock and they might want answers that I can't give.
I can't do the whole 'putting on a front' that I feel would be necessary. So it's just the easiest hard option if that makes sense?

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle Sat 01-Jun-19 07:18:04

I'm so sorry. Maybe telling someone although hard would give you some real life support.

BillywilliamV Sat 01-Jun-19 07:21:48

Of course it makes sense, did he leave last night?

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName Sat 01-Jun-19 07:22:45

Honestly telling someone you trust will help immensely. I’m so sorry this has happened, but you will be fine. If he wants space let him have it and keep yourself busy. Don’t massage his ego by doing the ‘pick me’ dance. Big hugs.

KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Sat 01-Jun-19 07:23:58

I'm frightened that once it's out there it can never go back. Which is stupid because I don't think it will go back anyway. The only thing that's stopping me falling apart completely is a tiny glimmer of hope that whilst away he'll come to his senses and realise what he's walking away from. And that walking away will be scarier than putting himself out there with me to try and mend things.

KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Sat 01-Jun-19 07:25:23

I don't know who to tell. My family will be crushed. My friends are so busy with their own lives and partners and children. I feel like I haven't got anyone.
Yes he left last night.

AnyOldPrion Sat 01-Jun-19 07:27:21

He says he wants to try but the feelings aren't there

I’m sure there’ll be better people along to advise you, but hold fast in your resolve. Don’t let him back while he’s expressing this kind of half-hearted nonsense. He wants to have his cake and eat it and watch you trying to compete for him.

Don’t do the pick me dance. Do tell your family, if you think they’ll be supportive. You need to find a way through that’s centred on what you need and on what you can achieve, and not centred on his feelings.

BillywilliamV Sat 01-Jun-19 07:29:13

Believe me, your friends are not too busy for this: and your family will be upset for you and with you but they will want to help you! They can distract your DC too, give you a little time?

ConfCall Sat 01-Jun-19 07:30:13

Your good friends won’t be too “busy” to listen and support OP.

Youlll get through this. You will.

AllOverIt Sat 01-Jun-19 07:31:14

This happened to my sister last year. Trust me, tell your parents/family. It'll be hard but people will rally around.

She's doing brilliantly now, BTW. You will get through this.

Rainbowqueeen Sat 01-Jun-19 07:34:09

Please tell someone. You need support.

In the meantime try to drink. Hot sweet tea is good.
Put DC in front of a screen

KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Sat 01-Jun-19 07:35:35

I know you're right AnyOldPrion and I've said pretty much the same. What worries me is that if I leave him to it and get on with things then any chance of rekindling will be lost. But I can't persuade him, obviously, it's all I've tried to do and it hasn't worked.
I must get on with things on my own for now bevause that will either show him what he's losing out on or it will become the new normal anyway. But practically, how do I do that? I cried almost non stop yesterday. I want to take dc out today, they deserve a nice time and fun but where do I go and how do I hold it together?
I'll think about which friend I could confide in and try and draft a message. I have fantastic support with dc which I'm incredibly grateful for.

QueenOfTheCroneAge Sat 01-Jun-19 07:36:25

So he can just swan off, leaving you very upset and being a lone parent to HIS DC while he makes his mind up about being with you or this other person? Don't get upset - get angry!

KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Sat 01-Jun-19 07:37:52

Cbeebies is a permanent feature. I can't even think what to feed them so it's the same thing on repeat, I feel like a terrible mother. I'm surviving on tea and painkillers, every inch of my body hurts.

Saffy101 Sat 01-Jun-19 07:38:23

Start by telling your best friend. Ring her tell her there is something and you need to talk to her. She will come and she will be great!

Teachermaths Sat 01-Jun-19 07:39:03

Leave him to it. No contact unless he wants to see dc. Just ignore him. Don't persuade, don't contact him. Tell your family, they need to know to support you. If he does come back (unlikely) they'll get over it. If he never does, at least you've had support from day 1.

BillywilliamV Sat 01-Jun-19 07:39:12

One day at a time. Make a plan for today and you will feel a bit more positive. I really would organise to take the DC to see someone though, it will be a long day on your own.

KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Sat 01-Jun-19 07:39:15

queen the anger comes in waves but the desperately sad part stays all the time and I alternate between wanting to cry and kill the pair of them.

BillywilliamV Sat 01-Jun-19 07:41:40

and the wise ladies are here to advise you on your relationship already!
There are dark days ahead but you will survive and prosper, as so many of the incredible women on here have before you.

KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Sat 01-Jun-19 07:42:07

I will fill today somehow. I will try and tell somebody too, if I can get the words out. teacher I know you're right but there's a niggle saying 'what if he's just waiting to see that you truly want to try again?' and I'm silent? Highly, highly unlikely I guess. It would suit him if I appeared to just move on, it would make it easier for him and I don't want that.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName Sat 01-Jun-19 07:42:33

I agree with Queen. You should be angry cos he’s taking the piss. Get him to come and take the kids out for the day whilst you speak to a friend and have some space for yourself. He’s their father and whilst he might need distance from your relationship he’s still equally responsible for your DC.

KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Sat 01-Jun-19 07:44:17

He is equally responsible but I can't bear to see him and dc knows no different. He needs to know what it will be like going forward if he decides to end it.

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