DH - secretly using images of women to get off - I know it's been done before but bear with me

[Feelingabitfunny]

OK. I'm a bit embarrassed so I have changed my name.

Just about to get all romantic last night. Go in search of some contraception and find a lads mag with 100 of the pertest sexiest bums as the main heading in DH's drawer. Of course the women inside are all from bloody hollyoaks and have bodies to die for

He had been hiding said mag in his work bag since February and had been using it for 'tommy tank' material.

The thing is. If it were porn, as in the act of people having sex he was looking at. I wouldn't be bothered. It's the fact that it's pictures of beautiful and pretty much naked women that makes me feel like crap. It makes me wonder if he just finds my body completely hideous now I've popped out two children and am obviously nowhere near as sexy as a 20 year old glamorous woman who hasn't.

Our sex life isn't always top of the agenda with young kids and busy lives in tow. But we do have a regular one!

Am I totally off mark for letting the green eyed monster get the better of me? Do I need slapping round the face with a wet kipper? Am I just being a hormonal pre-menstrual mess?

I do genuinely feel quite hurt, but feel like a bit of a twat for saying it.

[Hassled]

I'd be feeling much as you are - probably unrealistic (I'm 41 and have popped out 4 DCs) but there's still that "Aren't I good enough anymore?" feeling that I wouldn't be able to shake off. And equally, if you were getting off on Daniel Craig in trunks or whatever, I doubt your DH would be feeling particularly confident about himself. I think you need a conversation with him about it, at least so he can give you the reassurance you're entitled to.

[Feelingabitfunny]

He's said he's sorry. Still doesn't make up for the fact that I'm left feeling like rubbish. We're 29 so not that far off from what he's looking at....

[AuntJetPetunia]

I don't think the fact that your DH looks at pictures of other semi-naked woman has any reflection on the way he feels about YOU - i really don't. I think men will always look appreciatively at other semi-naked woman, it's "eye candy", the images are provactive and arousing. Doesn't mean he doesn't still fancy the pants off you. I know it's hard to accept sometimes, particularly when you're feeling hormonal and less than confident about your own body. But the fact is your DH loves you. He chose you. And as long as he is only LOOKING at other women's images, and not actually chasing any other RL women, then you have absolutely nothing to worry about IMO. It is completely natural and normal.

[Feelingabitfunny]

Auntjet, thankyou. I feel horrible . Slap me with the wet kipper!

I just really don't like things that take me well outside of my comfort zone. i.e things that make me feel even more insecure than I already feel!

[AuntJetPetunia]

And also - do you only ever fantasise about your DH when you're having a Tommy Tank yourself? Doesn't mean you actually want to sleep with anyone other than DH in RL, does it? I think women do alot more fantasizing in our minds, whereas men rely more on actual visual images. Lack of imagination on their part, perhaps!

[Feelingabitfunny]

Well, actually yes I do. I don't fancy anyone else as much as him to warrant thinking about someone else

[Feelingabitfunny]

That sounds a bit pants. What I meant was that there is no celeb or anyone I can think of that I would rather think of if I'm in the mood IYSWIM.

[harleyd]

my dh has a pile of bored housewives boobs on his mobile. doesnt bother me in the slightest. men like looking at women (esp hollyoaks babes!) dont worry

[AuntJetPetunia]

Oh. Fair enough. Well I am not as faithful in my fantasies - but I absolutely love and fancy my DH, and wouldn't ever have an affair. This is probably why I am totally OK with the idea of men looking at porn etc. I just know it doesn't really "mean" anything.

[beansprout]

Men are programmed to look, that's what they do. I think it would be helpful if you stopped thinking of it as "someone else" as if you and these images are on the same level or in some sort of competition. You are his wife, the mother of his children and have a real relationship with him. He loves you, he fancies you. These are some tarts who show their bums for a living. He's looking at their bums from time to time, that's it, it's not like he's having a relationship with them.

Don't put yourself down, how you feel is completely understandable but these pictures don't present any sort of threat to you or your relationship. You insecurities (and I do understand how you feel) are just that. Talk to dh though, I'm sure it would help, I'm sure he doesn't mean to upset you.

[LoveMyGirls]

Also don't forget these images of women are unrealistic, they are air brushed they dont look like that in RL!

If you can afford it treat yourself to a pampering (hair cut, nails) and some clothes/ underwear to boost your confidence then show your dh what a REAL woman can do and he'll soon forget all about the magazines!

[allgonebellyup]

just because youve had 2 children doesnt mean you cant have the same body as those in his mags! you are only 29 (i'm 28)so cant be too hard to have a great figure?

[Feelingabitfunny]

allgone, I go to the gym regularly, but my tummy is not quite what it used to be! 2 c-sections have put pay to that! I'm a size 10 but have never felt that great about my body.

[Gee72]

To use an old and slightly unpleasant cliche: 'It doesn't matter where you get the appetite, as long as you eat at home'

We're always going to appreciate beauty and even fancy other people. I've been faithful for 14 years, still fancy my DW and fully intend never to alter that, but gawd, life would be dull without a little fantasy from time to time. Same goes for my DW I'm sure. I'm sure he means no harm and that he wouldn't have intended to knock your confidence. Has he reassured you of that?

Probably better not to make too big an issue of it and drive the 'tommy tank' material further underground...

[Judy1234]

I'm afraid even before we were married I used to take my husband to be off to buy porn. I've never seen it as any kind of threat or problem.

Interesting point on the thread is why should he have apologised? I suppose because he knew you weren't into that kind of thing.

[Feelingabitfunny]

I don't mind actual proper porn (i.e watching people engaging in sexual acts) in itself and feel no threat from it.

It's not porn that bothers me. If he were watching porn etc I'd be OK. I think it's because the images are purely of women. Like he feels the need to lust over them rather than me I suppose. It bothered me more that he chose to hide it from me. Like it was some dirty little secret. I'm very open minded, I just felt offended that he felt the need to hide it from me in the first place, and that he can't just bloody well lust over me!!!

[legalalien]

X - is that "tell"? - I have visions of you marching your ex down to the off licence at 11pm at night!

my view - it's just pictures. I'd be more concerned if there was a RL person involved.

[Feelingabitfunny]

legal, yes of course you're right. You all are. It is just pictures. Men are that way inclined. I just know that if it were the other way round, he'd feel really insecure as well. He can't even bear it if I mention that a celebrity is good looking etc!

[Ulysees]

My boyfriend has an arse fettish too. He gets emails from mates and they always seem to be women bending over
I'm with you on not fantasising about other men, only think of bf.
Men are so different to us. Maybe you could use this opportunity to discuss each others wants in the bedroom? He may want you to wear certain underwear, try new things? You may have fantasies or things you'd like to try?
Bf and I are very open that way and I know he loves me and wouldn't cheat. Men like visual and can distance sex from love. I can't and most women are the same as me I imagine.

[Judy1234]

No, it's take, not tell. I can remember trips round soho sex shops actually. Lots of women are into porn but it's a very personal decision.

I'm not gay but I do find some pictures of women erotic too.

[skidoodle]

Right, so a man who gets jealous if you even mention a man on TV is good looking thinks it's OK to have a whole magazine full of pictures of other women to masturbate to?

nice double standard.

no, you're crazy to feel the way you do. lot's of people don't like the idea of their partner masturbating to pictures of other people.

on the other hand, plenty of people think it's totally normal to use pictures of women as wank fodder as long as those are women they are never likely to meet.

I guess it depends on what you're both comfortable with. in this instance it sounds like he's taking the piss if he gets insecure about you seeing things on TV that just happen to be there.

beansprout says
" think it would be helpful if you stopped thinking of it as "someone else" ... These are some tarts who show their bums for a living."

I must say I totally disagree. These are pictures of other women. Trying to convince yourself of something that's not true (i.e. that they aren't other women) is silly. The facts are the facts, either you're OK with them or you aren't.

Trying to dehumanise other women by calling them tarts to make them less threatening of your position as his wife is horrible. You can also apply that logic to prostitutes, or even another woman your partner is having an affair with. "well she's just some slag, but I'm his wife".

So think of this as what it is - he has a lot of pictures of other women (completely airbrushed and so likely very dissimilar from what they really look like) and you're not happy with this. You believe that he would not like it if he did the same thing. You have no issue with him looking at pornography involving two people but would rather he didn't amuse himself with photos of other women.

That's a reasonable position. You don't have to pretend to be cool with something that makes you uncomfortable and insecure just because it has become generally accepted.