Pissed off with DH. Rant warning!

[Theclosetpagan]

Just want to moan - see how much of this you recognise.

Today DH was off work (out of work/PT actor) and had the day at home. I went to work and DS went to nursery. Today work was especially busy as I wasn't in yesterday (am currently the only HV in our area due to staff sickness - and I am only part time) so had a lot of phone calls/messages to return and visits to make. At 3.30pm it became apparent that I would not make it to pick up DS from nursery at 4.30 which is my usual finishing time so I phoned DH and asked him to do the honours. He whinged and moaned about having to pick up DS citing that he has to work tonight - (a charity do 200 yards up the road). Eventually - with very bad grace he said he'd meet me to collect the car seat and go on to pick up DS. He arrived 30 mins after he said he'd be there - told me that I really MUST be home by 5.30 so he could "prepare". I worked my butt off finishing off the stuff I had to do and belted home at 5.40 - so was actually 10 mins late. DH was - as I expected - at the PC playing his fecking stupid football game. Having told me that it was imperitive I rush through the workload I had in order to get home for 5.30 I was interested to note that at 6.15 he was still playing the bloody football game. It goes without saying that he has done nothing in the way of housework today - so I am guessing it was "football" all day. Am on the point of "damaging" the bloody disc.
Honestly - he works on a self -employed basis. My salary pays all the bills and rent. Yet he expects me to just drop everything when it suits him and his work. Am sooo pissed off with him that I couldn't trust myself to speak when he went out this evening - just knew I'd end up being hateful if I did. So here I am on MN - festering away and seething with annoyance.
No disrespect to the Dads on here but honestly - do some men ever have a fecking clue?

[bananabump]

What a selfish turd! Will he go mad if you mention it? Cold shoulder time methinks, until he asks what's wrong.

[macdoodle]

Mine is/was exactly like this and similar situation one reason why I won't take him back don't have to put up with his shit any more
Sorry guess thats not all that helpful I think men just don't get it really

[theman]

what game was it?

[Theclosetpagan]

The game was "Championship Manager 2" - he bloody loves it and has already played it this morning. On the other hand he obviously realises he has pissed me off and is now creeping around me - am not going to say anything while DS is around though - will wait until he is in bed tonight and then discuss it. I have calmed down considerably since yesterday but definitely need to discuss it with him.

[theman]

well if it's champ man 2 leave him be.it's a very good game. tell him to sign bakayoko.

[sandyballs]

Blimey, I'd be pissed off too. You need to sit and have a chat, calmly if possible, very difficult though.

I had a big old moan at my Dh this morning for not helping out enough. He was playing solitaire on the pc whilst I loaded the dishwasher, fed the kids, supervised the kids showering, found their clothes, made the beds, did a hoover round, quick tidy up, wrapped a birthday present, made the kids write the card .................. I could go on but I won't bore you anymore. I eventually screamed at him ARE YOU GOING TO SIT ON THAT ALL BLOODY DAY. And he just didn't understand why I was so peeved off - Are you due on dear, was his reply .

when I come back to this earth, I want to be a man.

[ProfessorClutterburn]

much sympathies closetpagan, i should threaten to kick him out.
lol snadyballls 'when I come back to this earth, I want to be a man.'
the number of times I've thought that too.

[turquoisenights]

so sorry for you.
why you putting up with this man i dont know.
hugs.

[eyesfront]

i really really wish I could go to some lessons somewhere to teach me how to have a complete screaming tantrum and throw stuff around - I have always been a festering seether too, and it is SUCH a bad strategy. I think lots of men genuinely think that if we are not noticeably unhappy then everything is ok and what they are doing is fine.

They certainly don't sit there thinking 'gosh, while I have been vegging on this computer she has done all these nasty chores, isn't she wonderful, i really must get off my a* and do my share, and she deserves a bunch of flowers too'. They just think 'beckham - henry - ronaldo - offside' (sum total of my football vocab girls).

To make them notice there only seems to be one strategy - withhold things they like (sex, food, electricity for the PC) and initiate a screaming row to punctuate the message. I just need lessons in HOW, without getting deflected/bursting into tears/going an unattractive shade of beetroot

[bananabump]

Personally I've never found going nuclear a good strategy, especially as most men will mutter something about hormones when you stop to take a breath, and then I get the massive urge to wallop them which wouldn't be a good idea at all.

Probably better to be very cool with him, and really figure out what you want to say concisely- the best way is to write them a letter or an email but DON'T SEND IT, just use it as somewhere to vent until you narrow down your argument. Then say you need to talk and you want to say your piece uninterrupted and then you'll do them the sme courtesy.

Keep your tone quiet and don't cry unless you think it would help. This normally scares my dp into at least agreeing with me, and usually into agreeing to buck his ideas up. Also helps if you withdraw all perks of the relationship until you've had a sincere apology, I'm talking sex, food, doing his washing, watching top gear instead of How to Look Ten Years Younger because you know it bugs him, everything. Show him how shit it feels not to be in your favour.

[Theclosetpagan]

theman - would you care to move in with DH - am sure you'd hit it off perfectly. Don't fight over the PC though.

[divastrop]

i had a rant at dp last night for spending most of his time playing an online game and not spending any time with me,not doing very much around the house,with the kids etc.

this morning he was in a mood with me.he considered leaving me last night as i am 'never happy' and always have something to moan about.so in other words i should just shut up and put up or he'll be off

i too would love to be a man.it must be so lovely to never be wrong about anything,and to be able to sit on your arse all day without thinking 'oh,i should really be doing x,y and z'.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I play practically non-stop on the pc evenings and weekends while STBXH potters around doing stuff, but I reckon he fecking owes me. Besides I do tidy the kitchen when it starts to disappear under a layer of pizza wrappers, do most of the laundry and other bits and pieces around the place, as well as working full time (though off sick atm) with an hour and a half's commute each way. The remainder of the chores get done by the older DSs or don't get done at all. I used to try to keep it nice, but there were five people working harder to make a mess than I could be bothered to clear it, and I got tired of doing everything and pretty much went on strike. (STBXH will tell it rather differently of course. His version includes other men.)

When I move out I realise I won't be able to play obsessively because I'll have my own house to run and am determined it will never get into the state this one did. But freedom is cheap at that price.

[Theclosetpagan]

Bought the topic up with DH yesterday - it was not a success. It turned out that when I phoned he had only just got back from the town DS nursery is in so I accept that's quite enough of a reason to feel pissed off that he had to go all the way back.

I then pointed out that despite asking me to get home for 5.30 because he had to go to "work" that he then spent till 6.15 at the PC playing his football game.

DH lost his rag and said "Sorry - I didn't realise you had been festering all night". I was honest and said that yes I had been festering. DH then lapsed into a huffy silence. So he's sorry but he doesn't really see what I am pissed off about - or is it that he does see what I am annoyed about but is pissed off with me for raising the subject. I had to though - just feel we are not really communicating effectively anymore.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Communicating effectively is not what the majority of the male population do best. What they mean by communicating is lecturing, schmoozing bosses, making presentations and being persuasive at meetings. One to one discussing feelings is not their thing. (Not all women can do it, and not all men can't, but that's stereotypes for you.) These things are minor irritations though. Don't expect him to "get it", just expect him not to do it again!

[bananabump]

Basically they just hate criticism of any kind. And they're not daft, they seem to chalk up a "man point" every time they get away with something and you don't pull them up about it.

And then you hear all these divorced men lamenting about why their wives got rid of them, and saying "if I had my time again I'd be more thoughtful/turn the playstation off/help with the housework/shave more often and not wear scabby old tracksuit bottoms all the time"

[divastrop]

bananabump-yes indeed,they can always see how bad they were with hindsight.my xp used to always go on about how he wish he had been nicer to me/not slagged me off/beat the crap out of me...he never had an once of respect for me untill it was far too late.yet when i used to try and raise the issues with him when we were together,i would get smacked.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Mine seems to have reinvented the last 20 years so that he DID do all those things I complained of him not doing, and vice versa.

[susiewoos]

since giving up work after having youngest ds my dh has become very unsupportive, it seems that because i am at home and he goes out to work that everything in the house is up to me all the time. On his days off all he does is sit and watch bloody repeats of Top Gear all day and smoke!!!!
I realise he works hard but he never offers any help, doesnt talk to my sons or I except to make stupid comments about me and then wonders why I end up going into a seething anger. He then has the cheek to ask why am I in a strop?
Men grrrrr

[andiepandie]

oh I could go on for hours on this !!! I used to work 24 hour shifts as a residential SW and had to catch a bus to get 21 miles to the unit - therefore left at 10am returning at 5pm the following day when my dd was only 20 months old. My dp decided that his job was more important and he actually calculated that he worked 1 more hr than me a week (not including the fact that very few kids I looked after went to bed!!)- therefore I should do all the housework.

[cestlavie]

Yes, of course, men are stupid/ bad/ evil/ thoughtless/ unable to communicate (delete as applicable). Jesus, what a wonderfully helpful and positive outlook on the world.

[mrsmalaprop]

It's not all men, Cest La Vie, it's just these ones. I nearly started a thread just like this earlier after having sulked all morning about always being the one who gets up at 5am with ds because dh needs his sleep as he actually has to go to work, not just sit around on his arse at home all day like I do. (if only!)

After gently rousing him at 7.45 with a cup of coffee, he drowsily asked whether I had made his sandwiches for lunch and whether he had a clean, ironed shirt. I think I have become a 1950s housewife. When did that happen?

I realise that by giving him these things I am colluding in it, but it still makes me fume sometimes that these things are expected of me.

[Theclosetpagan]

Thanks to all who have replied. I've sat down with DH again since my last post. He did agree that on Friday he wasn't that helpful and apologised.
On the other hand I should have said something immedietly and not let it fester in the way that I did. I DO think that I had every right to be annoyed about it though.

Told DH that sometimes I feel I am doing everything alone and that it's me who worries about the organisation of everything while he just coasts along. He has no work now for six weeks and has promised to take an active part in doing housework etc when I am working. I've been very honest and told him that this on it's own would be such a help. We do get on well but my original post was a vent of the feelings that have been building up for a while now - I really don't think we do communicate all that well together. He drives me mad and makes me resentful but I suspect that I probably do the same to him.
Am considering Relate - not because I want us to split up or because our marriage is in any major trouble but just to give us both a chance to talk about things with an objective listener. Anyone else been through Relate?