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Are you happier married?

(53 Posts)
PenelopePink Sun 26-May-19 08:16:16

Just that really. I've been reading the book 'Happily Ever After' and the author argues that people are pretty much as happy married as they are single ie if you're unhappy while single you won't find marriage will be that magic ticket to happiness either, and that if you're content single you will also be content married.

I've been thinking about this a lot and think that I'm probably the same now in terms of happiness than I was before I met DH, but have also had phases in our marriage when things haven't gone well and I have been much LESS happy, and that due to my anxious attachment style I was certainly less happy when I first fell for him - I was probably happier when I wasn't interested in anyone than when we first got together and I was always anxious/waiting for messages etc.

I just wondered what other people thought?

SallyWD Sun 26-May-19 08:21:32

I'm quite a content person so yes I was happy single and happy married. Now I'm married I enjoy having someone to share my life with, confide in, talk about my day, bring up children etc. I enjoy being a mum and having a family (although I do find it absolutely exhausting!). I don't know if I'm more happy as such but I do have more fulfilment now.

Tixytrick Sun 26-May-19 08:25:38

The guardian has an article yesterday and based on studies it said that single, childless women have the highest levels of happiness. There was a lot more too it but that was the result they had come up with.

RantyAnty Sun 26-May-19 08:26:19

It really depends on who you marry. If you end up married to a lazy cheating drunken twat, you won't be happy.

CherryPavlova Sun 26-May-19 08:26:19

I’m not sure. I’ve been married for a long time so have no comparison. I like the unconditional love, the security of my future plans, the companionship and laughter. I like having someone I trust entirely to always put my needs above theirs and vice versa. I like never having to pretend, never having to worry about a flat stomach or my mood, having someone to share concerns and to plan with.i like physical contact and affection. For me, marriage is a good thing.

I do think there are optimists and pessimists. I do think there are people who take things in their stride and people who worry and twitch about nothing much. That must impact on happiness regardless of married status.

NorthernRunner Sun 26-May-19 08:30:10

Erm I don’t think I feel any different to before being married.
My husband and I have been together since 2006 and married in 2018. The wedding was probably long over due. It was a great party...I like saying husband but I’m no more in love or happy than I was when I was an 18yr old in 2006

wheresmymojo Sun 26-May-19 08:35:59

I would say I'm a bit happier being married compared to being single.

I like having someone to share my life with and chat to when I get back from work, make plans with, etc

As per a PP I have a bit of an anxious attachment style so being single which involved dating, etc was a rollercoaster of emotions for me (and not all good).

That all being said, if something happened to DH I wouldn't seek out another relationship. Before DH I did because I wanted marriage and children, if I was single now (even though still quite young) I would be happy to stay single as I wouldn't feel those pressures.

PenelopePink Sun 26-May-19 08:37:08

cherry that sounds like a fabulous relationship

PenelopePink Sun 26-May-19 08:40:14

wheres I feel the same. I don’t have the same driver to settle now.

Fatted Sun 26-May-19 08:40:15

I've been with my husband for nearly 18 years, since I was 21. I can't really do a fair comparison.

There are things I would have if I was single and childless that I don't have now. More free time to spend on myself, more money to spend on myself, would probably have progressed a bit more in my career. But would I be out using that time and money on something rewarding and fulfilling or just rolling around by myself bemoaning I didn't have a family? Who knows. I think you're right OP, it depends on the person and their outlook.

I know my DH and my kids make me happy. I think my life would be easier for me if I was single. Not necessarily happier though.

CherryPavlova Sun 26-May-19 08:40:36

@PenelopePink.....most of the time. We do disagree but can be honest in that disagreement. We’d never consciously hurt the other. We’re lucky.

Overmaars Sun 26-May-19 08:45:20

I was quite lonely as a single person, so I much prefer being married. I also found having children liberating as it forced me to focus on my children rather than ruminating on my own problems.

My marriage has its ups and downs but I can't imagine really preferring, for instance, going on holiday on my own, which I did when single but didn't really enjoy as much. I sometimes went with friends but there can be an awful lot more compromises with friends than a partner in my view.

I also think if you're a very secure, independent person with close friends and family and lots of interests, then you could be very happy as a single person.

Chilledout11 Sun 26-May-19 08:49:37

I found know. I was happy when I was single as I went travelling a lot. Was able to have hobbies and study. Out most weekends. But i felt like a soare oart at weddings and wanted dc. Now my life is fulfilled with children. Am with dh ten years but I hate the drudgery problems with childcare. Relentless cleaning. Less that ideal sex life and am bored. (Wouldn't admit this is real life)

Chilledout11 Sun 26-May-19 08:50:13

I dont no I meant

Chilledout11 Sun 26-May-19 08:50:59

Spare part

newjobnerves Sun 26-May-19 08:52:27

I haven't really ever been single having been with my DH since 17. I remember feeling different when married though, I just had this sudden feeling of security, can't quite explain it. I can completely believe people in unhappy relationships are unhappier than single people, obviously, but I don't think I'd be happier single personally. DH is my best friend and I love his companionship as well as everything else you get in a relationship- financial security, sex etc. But we also have a very 50/50 relationship in regards to childcare, housework etc. Some women seem to marry and gain an extra child.

sar302 Sun 26-May-19 08:52:43

I was happy single, happier dating my husband, and super happy being married to him. Happiness took a big dip in the first year after having our child, but we're getting back on an even keel now.

JE87 Sun 26-May-19 08:54:59

I would say personally for me I am much happier married. Being single started to not be so enjoyable the end and I am glad I met my husband when I did!

JoJoSM2 Sun 26-May-19 09:04:45

Definitely happier married. I did enjoy my single life as I had many friends, hobbies and generally made the most of it. However, when I got to my 30's I was really miserable about not being settled down with the husband and a family.

Now I've got an amazing husband and a little one. It probably helps that we're very financially secure so we go out regularly and I have time for hobbies and travel too.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster Sun 26-May-19 09:10:18

Happier married.

I have in the past been in abusive relationships and decided when I was single to get myself mentally in a strong and happy place before I would even consider dating again. I didn't need to be in a relationship but thought it would be nice if the right person came along so vowed never to settle and that any future partner would enhance my life not put a dent in it.

Hiddenaspie1973 Sun 26-May-19 09:17:16

I dunno. Never gave myself a chance to find out. Always been with a bloke.
Not been happy in this relly for decades. Before anyone says ltb, universal credit of 200 pcm tells me, no, that is a pipe dream.

CaptainM Sun 26-May-19 09:24:20

I always (till last couple of years of marriage) felt I was happy - with husband and our two children. I love being a mum but when single, was also (and remain) pretty independent with a huge love for my "me time".

Got divorced 3 years ago and I'm the happiest I've been for as long as I can remember.

I wanted children when I was younger and wanted marriage too, but now realise - not at the expense of me.

My exH and I have shared care so I get 5 child-free nights every fortnight and I believe that has been the magic/key to happiness for me. I get to focus on me, lie-ins, reading again, writing, my business, my friends, have long weekends away and recharge when my kids are at their dad's, then I'm a much better, happier mum when they're back home.

I've met some wonderful men since my divorce but I (still) love my life too much to even imagine sharing my "me times" permanently with anyone else. So for now, I've decided that happiness for me is having my cake & eating it - as a divorced and single mum with plenty of me time.

RedSheep73 Sun 26-May-19 09:29:42

Depends doesn't it. If you want to be married and you aren't, that can make you unhappy.

Lost11235 Sun 26-May-19 09:45:27

I was very depressed and struggling when I met DH. We were very happy together for many years. Now I can't imagine how I could possibly be more unhappy on my own. For me marriage has been once the best thing and now the worst. A friend who was miserable in her marriage is now happily single. I think life circumstances and who you marry are important too, not just your basic disposition.

ChristmasFluff Sun 26-May-19 12:34:03

I am much happier single.

I was unfulfilled in a pretty good marriage; I have lost myself in an abusive relationship; and other relationships - well, they lasted until one of us wasn't happy then they ended.

My suspicion is that a lot of women put themselves second within marriage, and would be much happier alone if they were not so afraid of it.

For instance, there is research that women have less time for their own hobbies and interests within any opposite-sex live-in relationship, whereas men have more time - and even a cursory reading of Mumsnet shows why.

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