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Some shocking news and I don't know what to do.(65 Posts)
Sorry if this goes on a bit, have name changed as the situation is delicate. I have been married for 4 years and we have 2 small children under 5.
Last year dh came home very upset as he'd been called round to his brothers house to find him there with his mum and other brother, he told me that his brother "had been in some trouble at work involving money, been fired, arrested and was basicly facing the possibility of a custodial sentence" (or words to that effect). Although I'm not that close to his brother i've been supportive, not asked to many questions and tried to invite my mil round to play with the children/have lunch more often to take her mind off things etc...
Anyway last September they finally got round to sentencing him, he had pleaded guilty so there was no trial as such and he got a year (looking to serve half of this).
When dh got home from court he was devastated but I did ask again, did you find out what he did, to be honest I was surprised that a rime of theft or fraud against an employer would be so harsh...my dh said no, fraud of some description
Dh visited his brother a couple of times in prison but didn't want to talk about it that much....anyway skip forward 8 months, he is now out and my dh confessed to me 2 months ago that his brother was actually convicted of downloading and viewing pornographic images of children. The only reason he told me was because 2 members of the police Child protection team were coming round to see us that afternoon as it had been decided neccesary to do a full disclose to us, particularly in the light of us having 2 dds. I am so angry with my husband and my mil who told him to keep it a secret. I feel betrayed, stupid to have trusted my husbands version of events. It has been a few months since the disclosure and I have told dh that myself and the children will be having no contact whatsoever with their uncle again, he agrees. I haven't seen my mil either since all of this, though I did phone her to tell her how I felt.
I'm so sad that my marriage has fallen on shaky ground at such an early stage. I don't understand how my dh could lie to me about something he knows I feel so strongly about.
Thanks for listening, I really want this to work and do love my dh but the family has been blown apart.
Any advice or anyone been in a similar situation....
I think you have to cut your DH a break he was in a difficult situation and I'm sure much pressure was brought to bear on him.
Also I'd cut your MIL some slack .. its her DS .. she has to do her best for the family
yes its horrific, but there is only one person you should exclude and that's the BIL .. and it seems nobody is disputing that
you love your DH, you have a strong family .. I wish you strength in working through this
you are right to feel angry at something this serious being hidden from you
DH hasn't committed the offence though so perhaps you can move forward from the lying?
he was probably also very shocked at his brother's behaviour
awful situation for you all. I would be inclined to look at why DH didn't tell you - protection of you, disbelief that his brother did this, denial etc. I doubt he intended to deceive you more that he didn't know how to handle it.
No advice really, but didn't want to read and ignore.
FWIW I think it's awful that your DH and MIL didn't tell you earlier. Why didn't they?
OMG Sizzles you must be devastated. I don't have any advice, other than to try and get as much information as you can from the Child Protection Officers and then take some time to process it before making any decisions. You must be just about incandescent with rage right now. I hope someone with proper advice will be along soon but didn't want your post to go unanswered.
Someone please help this woman!!!
This is my worst nightmare come true for you.
Please seek help, call childline, NSPCC who may have advice on how to handle it. I'm sure they have been in contact with many parents in similar situations and it's important to make sure that the offence was an isolated incident. I think you need to talk to someone impartial who understands the complexities of child abuse.
But of course we'll be here to listen too.
poor you I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. i imagine that your dh was in an enormous dilemma when he found out, concerned as much as you for your dc. i'm sure he did it to protect you and the dc rather than his brother,..keep dh close but never ever see bil again.
he hid it from you , to protect you
he did not committ the offence
i think the fact he has agreed to no contact with brother anymore means he sees how bad this is
if husband had told you at the time, would it have been better or worse?
your MIL must be going through hell, as must your DH , that their son / brother has stooped to this
i would cut your DH some slack too.
He was probably devastated by what BIL did and didnt know how to break it to you. He only told you because someone else was about to tell you.
Why else would he lie about it?
It isnt your MILs fault either.
Your BIL is the criminal here and he is the one who should be punished.
Yes you feel betrayed but it isnt worth breaking the family up for.
You need to sit down with MIL and DH and tell them you are a grownup and you could have handled what had happened and you feel betrayed. Imagine how your DH must feel now.
Bro in prison, devastated mother and now his wife isnt speaking to him.
yes, I agree with fio and twig.
tbh I can see it from their point of view. it is devastating for this to happen to someone you love.
do you suspect that he might have gone any further?
actually, a custodial sentence of a year is really very very short in the scheme of things. a crime against an employer would likely be longer than that.
I think you need to try and work through and let go of your anger with your dh and MIL. the situation for them is almost impossible.
sorry, I am not underestimating how hard it must be for you.
He shouldn#t have lied to you, but he did. Maybe he did it to protect you - have you asked him.
Dh's grandfather did some nasty things to boys (when dh was tiny - lucky not involving dh) but my 1st irrantional thought - was oh my god they share genes is my dh likely to do this?
I understand your sense of fear and betrayal. The problem is, abuse is often repeated in families and so it is vital to be sure of the history behind it.
I would want to get all the facts before I went anywhere near the extended family again. You need to trust your instincts.
Hate to sound so suspicious, there are men that just extend into child pornography from other forms, let's hopes he's one of those.
Talk to some professionals.
I think as hard as it is you and your dh need each other so if you can find it in yourself to forgive him and move on with him it will be better in the long run. It's shocked you all and you need to be strong for each other. Think about your dh feels for a minute and try to think how you would feel in his position? He should never have lied but i agree that I don't think he intended to decieve you i think he was in denial/ shock etc.
Is he sorry for lying? Is he going to do everything in his power to protect his children? If the answers to these questions are yes then i think he deserves some support.
Agree with all the other posters about going easy on your DH and MIL. This is shocking news and hard for you to take and it must be/have been even harder for them. There really isn't advice available on what to do in the situation they found themselves in - they must have been panicked and confused. They probably wanted to protect your BIL by telling as few people as possible, I understand that. As your DH agrees no contact between your dcs and BIL, I think it's safe to say that he hasn't betrayed you. This is horrible news, but please don't let it affect things within your marriage.
I agree with PeterDuck - if DH didn't allow any contact with BIL then you should not let this destroy your relationship. Obviously BIL must be totally out of your lives from now on. I know what it's like to have in-laws create a story and involve DH - in my case it was something much, much less important - but it made me feel that DH was putting his relationship with them before his relationship with me. I think you need to be totally honest with DH that you feel hurt by him not involving you in a "family" decision to use the story.
Thankyou, am sitting here in tears at all the kind responses. Its been such a relief to share as I have only told my own immediate family and a couple of close and trusted friends. I haven't wanted my dh to feel people know this about his brother as obviously he is deeply ashamed.
Some of your posts have made me think perhaps i have been too harsh on my dh, I understand the divided loyalties as I have 2 brothers myself (but don't think I could stand by them over something like this). My dh comes from a family who don't talk, not really talk about things that are important thus I understand how they thought keeping it a secret may keep the family together from their perspective. To be fair my BIL has never had any unsupervised contact with our dds but that doesn't make it any easier...I don't even want him looking at them, as hysterical as it sounds.
the Cp officers told me everything, including the types of images and the range of severity, also the risk he posed of reoffending and what period of time this had been going on for. A lot of this information had been kept from my dh and so hearing it from them made him angry too, particularly as he'd comprimised his marriage in order to offer support to his mum.
I have contacted the nspcc who were very helpful and suggested counselling to talk through the issues. They too felt like me it would be inappropriate to have any future contact. My mil now hasn't seen the children for 6 months and has found our decision hard to accept, she says that her son is trying to get help and shes upset that my family now know too. Nothing will ever be the same again.
So sorry to hear all this.
Are you going to let MIL see your children in the future though?
I can kind of see your MIL's perspective as well - this is her child and her instinct must be to protect and support him (am assuming she wouldn't want him contacting your DDs either) .
Counselling sounds like a good idea for you and your DH. I hope things get better for you.
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