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My husband went on another bender last night

(11 Posts)
manicmama Fri 20-Jul-07 13:32:11

I feel so low.

I recently told DH I was leaving him because did not want to deal with the fallout of his drinking anymore. He finally admitted he has a drinking problem and said he would seek help.

He then got such a bad infection in his foot that he couldn't walk for 3 weeks, so I had to look after him as his parents refused to help.

He has been trying really hard and has just about been keeping his drinking under control but last night he went on another bender. He knows I have had it and has been on the phone apologising and trying to make things better.

We have 3 very young kids and I find this so hard to deal with. I don't know if I have the strength to leave him.

I have phoned al-anon and will try to go to my first meeting on Monday. However, from what I understand they just help you deal with living with a drinker and I don't know if I want to continue doing that.

reikizen Fri 20-Jul-07 13:36:42

Do you have the strength to stay? As a completely un-informed outsider, but with family members who 'like a drink'. I've seen the fallout and it lasts a lifetime. I'd bail out if I were you and look forward to a better life for you and your kids. You deserve it.

manicmama Fri 20-Jul-07 13:38:38

Good point. Thanks.

clumsymum Fri 20-Jul-07 13:49:27

If he has a drinking problem he can't deal with it alone.

If he is trying to stop, and if he's apologising to you today, then he needs to find alcoholics anonymous. He needs to find them today, and he needs to make contact with them today.

You need to remember that his addiction won't be cured overnight. If he's prepared to work to get over it, you'll need to work with him, and put up with the odd glitch.

Of course, if he isn't making any effort, tghen it may be time for you to go....

plus30 Fri 20-Jul-07 16:44:38

Hi manicmama...sorry for what you are going through. I've no experience of a drinking partner BUT my father was a raving alcoholic which led to the breakdown of my parents marriage. My poor mum tried, tried and tried to help him stop drinking but learnt that the only person who could truly help him was himself - and he wasn't strong enough (or willing?) to do that. What I do know is that it's incredibly unsettling as a child to have a drunk parent. You know it's not the way it should be and pick up on the all angst of the sobre parent. Horrible! So my advice to you would be to think seriously about your own wellbeing and that of your children. You owe it to yourself and them to find a life where you can all be happy - okay so everybody has bad times but when the dark days are as a result of someone elses unwillingness (and dare I say it disrespect?) to change their ways then I think it's time to move on. Of course i know it's easier said than done but as my mum always said, the peace of mind that came with being free of my father was worth all the struggles. Good luck with everything and I hope you get a happy ending. x

JemimaPip Fri 20-Jul-07 16:58:35

Hi manicmama. I found Al-Anon a great help when I was in a similar situation many years ago. It was a great relief to talk to other people who understand what life can be like living with someone whose drinking is out of control, and it really helped me to stop feeling so damn guilty and ashamed (I was not alone!). It was also useful to get some better information about alcohol use, abuse and addiction. Most importantly, Al-Anon helped me focus on myself and what I wanted and gave me the confidence to get on with life instead of spending so much time worrying about when the next 'incident' would be. I did continue to live with my then husband for a couple of years after first going to Al-Anon, and things were certainly calmer, but I eventually realised that he was not going to change and that I wanted something more, so I left.

I hope you find Al-Anon as helpful as I did.

manicmama Fri 20-Jul-07 18:31:59

Thanks for all your support. It really helps.

nogin Sun 05-Aug-07 21:49:42

Hi Just read tread ,i have the same problem as you manicmama, dont know where to start or who to talk to ,just dont want to evon have this kind of conversation but i think i have to talk to some one .dh has a drink problem but thinks hasnt! 2 small children now passing comments bout it and upsets me so much what can i do, love him dearly just not so much with the drink .

mishelfish Sun 05-Aug-07 22:33:24

hi, i know just how you feel. my dp, actually xp, has a drinking/drugs problem that necessitates him going on benders for 2-3 days, and i have just told him that i have had enough and we have split. except he hasnt actually left the house except to go work. its rubbish, cos apart from these benders we get on great and he is a brilliant dad. am confused about whether i have made the right decision, but he cannot/will not even try to change, so the ball is in his court and its his problem.

be strong ladies and do what is right for you and your babies, there can only be so much you can put up with, especially if the kids are noticing.

[big hugs]

beller Mon 06-Aug-07 10:03:17

HI manicmama-
Its such a hard situation, and like plus30, I havnt had a partner with a drink problem, but a parent..Its really hard as a child, and I would definately think what effect it is having on them too. Alcoholics can only get help if they truly want it...and they have to make that decision for themselves, not for anyone else. Definately see Al-anon, but also if your Dp is true about wanting help, he really needs to follow it up?
I realy wish you all the best xx

physmum Sat 11-Aug-07 18:04:26

My ex dh is an alcoholic and I still live with the fallout! I ave 2 young kids and every day I feel shit for allowing their father to put his drink b4 them. I live constantly under his threats and control. His last bender led him to holding me prisoner in my home and sexually assaulting me. Put yourself and your children first.

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