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Too much too soon, now what

(81 Posts)
bmlover Thu 23-May-19 09:07:38

So I met someone 3'months ago
Relationship history was I was in a 4yr relationship that ended badly and I was cut up. I had a year out and thought I was ready to date
Met someone straight away on old
We moved too quick - said I need to take things slow and he said he respected that. 3m down the line I'm realising we should have gone slower or maybe I'm now thinking I'm having doubts as he isn't for me ?
I feel awful so please be kind !
So he's nice and lovely and all is good but I have niggles...
Is this normal to have niggles ?
My ex and other ex's haven't felt these before but have always rushed and it's never worked out
We only see each other weekends as he works in week and lives an hour or so away and I have a lo who hasn't meet him yet
Lo is at her dads the weekend and with me in the week
Anyway, niggles are he lives at home with his mum, fine I thought at first but he has NO money !
Now I'm obviously not after money but I am a single ( working ) mum and not that i have money but I have enough to do things as I budget
He gets ok money (more than me !) but still has a credit card with bad apr and I'm just so good with money and not in debt that I just feel when he comes over he says things like ' let's stay in and cook
To save money '
Am I mean to be thinking I don't wanna cook when I cook all week ?!
To be fair he isn't a sponger when we do go out, he does pay but I'm not one for expensive meals anyway so I find we stay in a lot, go for walks, basically do free things
I like staying in but I feel I've met someone who because has credit cards and a car loan, he says he has no extra money.
It's my fault as I feel for him quite quickly and said I love you etc but now I'm finding should I have taken it slower ?
He's respected that I dont want him meeting lo at the mo but I just don't know if I should end things now or if I've being horrible ?!
Sorry for long post just need some outside of my circle advice
Thanks x

RLEOM Thu 23-May-19 11:01:03

Hmmm... I'd be very concerned over where his money is going. Maybe some kind of addiction? Porn? Drugs? Gambling? There could be a reasonable explanation but I'd be very wary.

bmlover Thu 23-May-19 11:02:42

Do you think?
Hmm I hope not but it's hard when you first meet someone
How do I ask that lol?!

Aquamarine1029 Thu 23-May-19 11:12:23

Just end it already. You KNOW this is not the right relationship for you, so why are you so desperately ignoring your instincts? This guy is waving red flags all over the place.

bmlover Thu 23-May-19 11:21:45

I wouldn't say I'm desperately ignoring them ?
There are just niggles ?
I do like him I'm just concerned about the credit card (it's £3.5k) with nothing to show as my ex had money problems and it stopped us getting anywhere in life
Not that was our main problem
But we are both in our 30's and I obviously want to make the right choices
He constantly says I'm the one loves me and I do feel I fell for him quick BUT I also feel it takes TIME to get to know someone

Aquamarine1029 Thu 23-May-19 11:24:33

He's in his 30s, has to live with his mum, and is flat broke. Why would you waste a minute of time on this lower? Think about your child and your future!

Aquamarine1029 Thu 23-May-19 11:25:22

Sorry, I meant LOSER.

MzHz Thu 23-May-19 11:28:42

I agree, he’s looking for a new place to live away from his mum, wouldn’t be making any financial contribution and would be a drain on you.

Your gut instinct is telling you this isn’t working- listen and make the move you know you need to make

MzHz Thu 23-May-19 11:29:30

If you’re looking for a reason why everything has moved so quickly, it’s this.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 23-May-19 11:30:09

It's perfectly fine to end it. For any reason. And at any time. You owe you and your DD, not him. If these things niggle now, they will niggle you more over time. Don't stay in a relationship you're not happy with out of politeness.

LellyMcKelly Thu 23-May-19 11:35:39

It’s not bad, or mean, or grabby, to want a partner solvent enough to be able to go out to the local pizza place once in a while. It’s ok to think about the life you will have with someone who has no money and to consider whether you will be happy having nothing spare. You don’t sound particularly materialistic and in your shoes I think I’d be calling it off, particularly if you know he brings in a salary but has nothing to show for it.

poweroverme Thu 23-May-19 11:36:55

Loon back at dating him as just that,
Not every relationship has or SHOULD turn in to a serious commitment.
He's telling you enough to stop you going out or expecting to much from him but there sounds like there is a totally different story you haven't or won't no until it's to late.
Car payment and debt payment can't cost more than £300/ £400 a month plus he has no real out goings.
He's lowering your expectations.
To many MEN do this nowadays, they use the fact a woman is independent and can support herself. We wanted equality, but at the same time he's deciding what and when you do things.
He's fine with giving you time and not rushing into meeting your dc because he really has nothing to lose either way, sorry that sounds mean,
But he will just go back on OLD and chill with
Mum.

Pinkvoid Thu 23-May-19 11:44:06

You only met him three months ago, this should be the fun and exciting honeymoon period. You really shouldn’t be feeling so many doubts. He does sound like a sponger imo and it sounds as though it will only get worse with time. I would just ditch him.

cocodash Thu 23-May-19 11:58:39

When i met my now DH it was the other way about. He had his own place and i stayed with my parents and i had about 7k on credit cards when i met DH (all from nights out, clothes, holidays and reckless spending when i was in my early 20's so just coz someone has credit card debt doesnt mean it was spent on drugs and porn)

i also had a car and was always very strapped for cash and admit i used to be the one to suggest staying in to save money as i used to hate the idea of him paying for things. For context my car payment at the time was £250pm and credit card, plus argos card and very payment and few other debts were another £300 so i was paying about 550 a month on debts. (all this was years ago and long behind me and all cleared now... and through a better paying job and budgeting and not paid for by now DH)

BUT i fully agree that if your not feeling it and having doubts this early on then dont carry on the relationship

userxx Thu 23-May-19 12:06:55

Hmmmmm, why does he have no money when he lives at home? Has he got anything to show for the debt like a car or has he just frittered it away?

category12 Thu 23-May-19 12:21:29

The cooking is all at your place, presumably.

Does he ever bring the ingredients or are you buying these, and is he doing any of the cooking?

There's nothing wrong in wanting more than this. It's early days to be nights in and subsidising him, (if you're buying in the food).

I personally wouldn't want to go back to a situation of struggling all the time because of a partner being shit with money.

bmlover Thu 23-May-19 12:38:08

Well he has only started bringing food coz ive said about it but I always get bits in for the cupboard which I find expensive...
He does offer to cook to be fair
He pays £250 car, £300 to his mum, £80 credit card, £40 insurance, petrol and food so whatever that is? He's on £26k

SupaNintendoChalmers Thu 23-May-19 12:42:11

The only good thing about dating someone who lives at home is usually that they have a good disposable income!
I'd be super put off by the fact that even living at home with him Mumsie he's still managed to put himself into debt.

ThatCurlyGirl Thu 23-May-19 12:42:20

Its up to you whether these are liveable niggles or dealbreakers my love. Nobody else can tell you whether or not it's too fast / whether you are incompatible long term - only you can thanks

bmlover Thu 23-May-19 13:28:12

Thanks guys
I still feel a bit horrible but I am listening to my gut
Thing is I have tried to talk to him a couple of times but he doesn't get it

ThatCurlyGirl Thu 23-May-19 13:29:26

It just sounds like you aren't on the same page OP, don't let this rumble on. You're three months in, this should be the easy bit - just walk away!

Myheartbelongsto Thu 23-May-19 13:33:11

I think some of these responses are a bit harsh

Have you talked to him about his long term plan
So he has no money
Imagine if he chucked you in the bin because you have a child

ThatCurlyGirl Thu 23-May-19 13:39:29

I don't think of it being about the money or even specifics, just that it's only been three months and OP is unhappy with lots of things and questioning her judgement on them.

Three months in is too soon to be working through problems and incompatibility surely? It shouldn't be this hard this early on.

bmlover Thu 23-May-19 13:47:27

It's not all about the money
It's about is choices
Like having £3.5 credit card and a £6k car loan - fair enough about the car loan but nothing to show for the credit cards and having no money and being broke even though on ok money and living at home being subsidises
I stress and worry about money and being a single parent and he just doesn't have a clue about bills and the stresses
Yes I have talked to him, again he doesn't get my stresses even though I've explained
Some people can't like they've moved out and experienced that for themselves
Like my mum said that's not his fault..but my problem is when he has come over I've had to spell out how much things costs etc and as I say he hasn't sponged off me and I am happy to pay my way
I just feel when he is over for the weekend then it's a holiday for him but not for me

SupaNintendoChalmers Thu 23-May-19 13:54:11

Sounds a little bit like you're having to be mummy # 2.

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