Please forgive me for my ramblings but I just have to get all this off my chest and I dont know where to turn.
2 yrs ago I discovered my husband was seeing another woman and it's still tearing me up inside. At the time although we'd had our up's and down's like most couples it hit me like a ton of bricks and was totally unexpected. I'd spent most of my mid - late teens in relationships where I'd been hurt in one way or another and had a very dim view of man in general and started to believe that they where all swines and would hurt you as soon as look at you!
Then in my 20's I met my now husband, he was so different to anyone I'd ever met before, loving, caring, thoughtful, considerate, sickly sweet you could say. I'd always fallen for the "bad boy" type and believed because of this I got what I deserved when I got hurt by them.
I was so used to getting hurt, I spent years waiting for it to happen again, to the extent that I expect I wasted many good years of our relationship where I should have just been happy and believing that good things can happen. It took a long time but eventually I really started to trust and believe my husband was not like others I'd met before and wouldn't hurt me.
Then one day my world came crashing down around me and I can't deal with it. 14 years of marriage, 4 children and I feel totally crushed. When I first found out about it I couldn't believe it was true but looking back I know now I did have my suspicisions 'womens intuition - gut feeling' call it what you may. He was never a big socialiser and never spent much time on the computer, infact he would complain about the amount of time I spent on the pc playing games etc! We didn't go out and spent all the time at home together with the children and each other. We both work from home so we were together paractically 24/7. Some would probably say that caused the problems, however we hardly ever argued and always got on together really well, we could always laugh and joke and we are/where best friends.
I suppose if anything, it's more me than him that occassionally feels hemmed in and you'd probably think I was the one most likely to stray than him, although I never would he says he thought I might do!
Going back to the day I found out what had been happening, I feel like my life is at a stand still, at first I totally lost it, screaming, crying, feels like I had a total breakdown. I couldnt eat or sleep. For 2 weeks I was like a zombie, all I did was drink and smoke one after the other, I was a total wreck. I tried so many times to talk to him and ask him what had happened, why he did it and how he met her etc etc, it was really hard going and he never wanted to discuss it. After the intial 2 week period of self destruct I pulled myself together thinking about the children and decided I had to move on from the pain for their sakes. I still didn't know whether I wanted to remain in the relationship or not and was too scared to make a decision while it was all still raw. I was still very depressed and would cry over nothing and eventually went to see my gp who prescribed anti-depressants. They took the edge off but I was still hurting so much, it felt has though someone had ripped out my heart.
My husband said he wanted to work things out and even suggested relationship counselling, which we did attend a few times. Again, it was hard going because he wouldn't discuss much there either, but I got to talk about it so it helped me a little to have someone to listen to me breaking my heart even for a short time.
What I know so far is that he met her through chatting on the internet, they would email and message each other and at some point decided to exchange mobile phone numbers, thats when the calls and text messaging started. I read some of the text messages that where sent between them and even now I can remember them word for word and it still makes my stomach turn and feel betrayed. They wernt sexual or explicit texts, more lovey dovey texts, missing you, love you, can't wait to see you again type of texts.
He's admitted to meeting up with her a couple of times but nothing went on between them (they were just friends) I honestly dont know if I believe that. I'm 99% sure in my own mind that there was no sex but has for kissing and cuddling I'm 99% sure in my mind that did go on. The problem I have is there is no consistency in what he's said and what I read in the messages. He says they were just friends, there was nothing more in it and he never wanted to ever lose me and his children but the texts tell a very different story. Also, when I first found out I asked him if he loved her and wanted to be with her and he said he did ! he told me he had fallen in love with her before they'd ever met just by talking to her, she was different to me and was interested in him and would listen to what he had to say and he didn't have to think before speaking incase she took it the wrong way (unlike me apparently) he made me feel like it was all my fault and I'd pushed him into it.
I've since found out through a reliable source from my own digging that this woman was also married with children. She even phoned our house pretending to be a business contact of my husbands and chatted to me on the phone occassionally (how low can you stoop) She knew he was married and had children, how can you do that?
What makes the whole situation sick from my point of view is at the time this was going on behind my back our relationship together was the best it's been for a long time, we were getting along so well, sex was fantastic and very regular.....WHY ??? how the hell can he have made love with me the previous night then call her or text her the following morning telling her he loved her and making me out to be a spanner in the works ?
Nothing makes any sense, I've gone through and still going through so many emotions, 2 years on and I still don't know what I'm doing, if I want to be with him or if I love him anymore ? I go through phases of thinking I'm moving on and dealing with it then I feel like i'm back at square one. It feels like i'm taking 1 step forward and 10 steps back and I can't take it anymore. I feel like this is my problem now and i'm making matters worse and I don't know what to do.
I'm smiling on the outside but so sad and lonely inside
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Lost and don't know what to do
stillcryinginside · 20/07/2007 11:57
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