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Lost and don't know what to do

(27 Posts)
stillcryinginside Fri 20-Jul-07 11:57:43

Please forgive me for my ramblings but I just have to get all this off my chest and I dont know where to turn.

2 yrs ago I discovered my husband was seeing another woman and it's still tearing me up inside. At the time although we'd had our up's and down's like most couples it hit me like a ton of bricks and was totally unexpected. I'd spent most of my mid - late teens in relationships where I'd been hurt in one way or another and had a very dim view of man in general and started to believe that they where all swines and would hurt you as soon as look at you!
Then in my 20's I met my now husband, he was so different to anyone I'd ever met before, loving, caring, thoughtful, considerate, sickly sweet you could say. I'd always fallen for the "bad boy" type and believed because of this I got what I deserved when I got hurt by them.

I was so used to getting hurt, I spent years waiting for it to happen again, to the extent that I expect I wasted many good years of our relationship where I should have just been happy and believing that good things can happen. It took a long time but eventually I really started to trust and believe my husband was not like others I'd met before and wouldn't hurt me.

Then one day my world came crashing down around me and I can't deal with it. 14 years of marriage, 4 children and I feel totally crushed. When I first found out about it I couldn't believe it was true but looking back I know now I did have my suspicisions 'womens intuition - gut feeling' call it what you may. He was never a big socialiser and never spent much time on the computer, infact he would complain about the amount of time I spent on the pc playing games etc! We didn't go out and spent all the time at home together with the children and each other. We both work from home so we were together paractically 24/7. Some would probably say that caused the problems, however we hardly ever argued and always got on together really well, we could always laugh and joke and we are/where best friends.

I suppose if anything, it's more me than him that occassionally feels hemmed in and you'd probably think I was the one most likely to stray than him, although I never would he says he thought I might do!
Going back to the day I found out what had been happening, I feel like my life is at a stand still, at first I totally lost it, screaming, crying, feels like I had a total breakdown. I couldnt eat or sleep. For 2 weeks I was like a zombie, all I did was drink and smoke one after the other, I was a total wreck. I tried so many times to talk to him and ask him what had happened, why he did it and how he met her etc etc, it was really hard going and he never wanted to discuss it. After the intial 2 week period of self destruct I pulled myself together thinking about the children and decided I had to move on from the pain for their sakes. I still didn't know whether I wanted to remain in the relationship or not and was too scared to make a decision while it was all still raw. I was still very depressed and would cry over nothing and eventually went to see my gp who prescribed anti-depressants. They took the edge off but I was still hurting so much, it felt has though someone had ripped out my heart.

My husband said he wanted to work things out and even suggested relationship counselling, which we did attend a few times. Again, it was hard going because he wouldn't discuss much there either, but I got to talk about it so it helped me a little to have someone to listen to me breaking my heart even for a short time.

What I know so far is that he met her through chatting on the internet, they would email and message each other and at some point decided to exchange mobile phone numbers, thats when the calls and text messaging started. I read some of the text messages that where sent between them and even now I can remember them word for word and it still makes my stomach turn and feel betrayed. They wernt sexual or explicit texts, more lovey dovey texts, missing you, love you, can't wait to see you again type of texts.
He's admitted to meeting up with her a couple of times but nothing went on between them (they were just friends) I honestly dont know if I believe that. I'm 99% sure in my own mind that there was no sex but has for kissing and cuddling I'm 99% sure in my mind that did go on. The problem I have is there is no consistency in what he's said and what I read in the messages. He says they were just friends, there was nothing more in it and he never wanted to ever lose me and his children but the texts tell a very different story. Also, when I first found out I asked him if he loved her and wanted to be with her and he said he did ! he told me he had fallen in love with her before they'd ever met just by talking to her, she was different to me and was interested in him and would listen to what he had to say and he didn't have to think before speaking incase she took it the wrong way (unlike me apparently) he made me feel like it was all my fault and I'd pushed him into it.

I've since found out through a reliable source from my own digging that this woman was also married with children. She even phoned our house pretending to be a business contact of my husbands and chatted to me on the phone occassionally (how low can you stoop) She knew he was married and had children, how can you do that?
What makes the whole situation sick from my point of view is at the time this was going on behind my back our relationship together was the best it's been for a long time, we were getting along so well, sex was fantastic and very regular.....WHY ??? how the hell can he have made love with me the previous night then call her or text her the following morning telling her he loved her and making me out to be a spanner in the works ?
Nothing makes any sense, I've gone through and still going through so many emotions, 2 years on and I still don't know what I'm doing, if I want to be with him or if I love him anymore ? I go through phases of thinking I'm moving on and dealing with it then I feel like i'm back at square one. It feels like i'm taking 1 step forward and 10 steps back and I can't take it anymore. I feel like this is my problem now and i'm making matters worse and I don't know what to do.
I'm smiling on the outside but so sad and lonely inside

hoolagirl Fri 20-Jul-07 12:06:08

I think you should try and get back into some relationship counciling.
Can you talk openly with your DH about why he feels he does not get any attention off you etc and what you can both do to improve the situation?

SpiderBaby Fri 20-Jul-07 12:11:57

I think you need to go back to relationship counselling too and he NEEDS to talk to you about this. No wonder you feel the way you do when he wont talk to you about it

I am sorry you are so sad xx

stormy06 Fri 20-Jul-07 12:11:57

Oh my god i just sat here reading your story and i feel so sad for you your husband had no right to compare you with this other woman at all i dont blame you for not knowing what to do but be assured that none of it is your fault you clearly still love him as you have stayed for two years and tried to work things out how old are your children? are you just staying for them because if you are as sad as you sound then wouldnt they be better off with separated parents that are happy than parents that at the moment are very unhappy ? have you thought about a trial separation? Does he acknowledge how your feeling now or does he think its all gone away and forgotten about?

stillcryinginside Mon 23-Jul-07 12:46:56


Thank you for taking the time to read my rambling and your replies.

Our children are aged between 7 and 15. I'm from a broken home myself and know what it's like to have no dad around so I guess that was a big factor in not just walking out on the relationship. I do still love my husband but not the way I feel I should, it's more of a caring sisterly love if that makes sense, not an 'in love can't be without you' kind of love?
I don't have the same feelings for him that I used to have, I'd never want anything bad to happen to him but I no longer look at him and think this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I've tried to talk to him and explain my feelings so many times but he's not the type that really listens or talks to be honest. He's certain i'll get over it in time and thinks it's all in the past now and not something that should be brought up and discussed now.

He did suggest moving out for a while till I came to terms with what had happened at the beginning and quite honestly I think that was more for his benefit than mine because I don't think he was being totally honest with me about the 'friends' thing and I think he did have feelings for her more than he was letting on. I don't think he does now unless i'm just an easier option and the excitement is all over now I know about it?

I don't know, i'm so confussed and have so many things running round my head. From one minute to the next I think something different and my head is totally messed up.

I did take the children away for the weekend when I first found out about it just because I couldn't bare to look at him but then I realised that it shouldn't be me that was having to up and move when I had done nothing wrong and came home. I asked him to promise not to see her again behind my back and if he decided he did want to be with her to be man enough to tell me and leave. It was about 2 weeks before he started acting like he wanted to stay with us each time I asked if he had decided what he wanted before that he just kept telling me he didn't know. That still haunts me.

We don't argue about much at all but if we have a disagreement about anything it's not in front of the children and it's over as soon as it starts, not that anything gets sorted, i've just learn'd that theres no point in saying anything because nothing ever changes. To see me you'd think I was a happy soul with no problems and everyone who knows or meets me thinks i'm such a happy outgoing person. It's got so easy now to put on this act. I don't like to cry because I feel weak and useless but alone I break my heart

stormy06 Mon 23-Jul-07 13:39:35

Hi i kept a watch on this thread i was worried about you! Dont take this the wrong way but do you think you could be suffering from depression it might be an idea to go and see your GP they might be able to refer you for some councelling or something just because he wont try doesnt mean you shouldt it might help to talk to someone that isnt involved. Just out of interest does any of your family and friends know wht he did as you might be able to get some feedback off them its so hard i want to tell you to leave the selfish swine but thats not for me too say and if anyone said that to me then id tell them to mind there own business! You are not weak for crying at all he did a very hurtful thing that most women would never ever forgive but you have stuck at it for two years which i thinks a great achievement when you think about it you could have just walked away from your marriage!! I think that you really need to make him lidten too how you really feel and if he is not willing i think you need to ask yourself is this how i want to be for the rest of my life because from what you say i dont think that you do! I hope you get things sorted out soon and you can be happy again!!

overdraft Mon 23-Jul-07 14:27:58

Hi sweetheart
I am so so sorry you are feeling like this. It really hurts , i know and could have written your post.
I don't know what to say to meke you feel any better at the moment. I am 2 years past finding out and am in pain today. I can say that I am in touch with someone else on here and she is 3 years on and she still feels low and has wobble weeks ( I won't say who she is tho). I think what you are feeling is normal.
It takes along time to recover from betrayl. One thing that became apparent to me, when I went to relate was that When my dad cheated and left my mum that was the first time it had happened to me, it took me years to overcome that too. Now it has happened again i.y.k.w.i.m and it also stirs up memories and feelings from then.

Only this weekend I felt so low, and explained to dh that although I am happy on the outside, I am in pain everyday, although it dosen't comsume my every thought now.
stillcryinginside this is a horrible place to be right now for you isn't it. Do you have good days too? My dh offered to leave at the weekend, because it would make my pain go away. I love him more and have to find someway around it now.
Your husband needs to tell you the whole truth I think. Even if it hurts like hell i felt I needed to know all the details as it gave me some power back, that they had taken away from me.
Does he behave differently now towards you? He needs to make you feel better and help you heal, really.
There are lots of wonderful women that have been through this that will offer you great advise, sure they will be along soon. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Are you a regular poster?

stillcryinginside Mon 23-Jul-07 16:35:26

Thank you stormy06,

your spot on, I am suffering from depression, my gp prescribed anti-depressants a while ago and i'm still taking them. I went for counselling a few months after finding out and thinking I wasn't moving on quickly enough. To be honest the counselling helped in so much that I could get out things I felt I needed to be my counsellor didn't really help that much we ended up taking about things that had happened to her and her family, I'm sure she thought she was helping in some way but it didn't really do me a lot of good regards understanding why he did it and my feelings and how to deal with them. There is only 1 counsellor at our surgery so I couldn't even ask to see someone else.

My mum knows what happened but I don't really have anyone I could class as a close friend, I seemed to just lose touch with them when I married, my husbands not a social person and seemed to get jealous if I spoke about my friends or we met up for coffee and a chat etc. Thats what makes the whole thing so bizarre, he really enjoys spending time with me and hates us being apart, so why take up with another woman ?

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would stay with someone who did this to me, he denies it was an affair or that it was cheating, just says what he did was wrong! I don't know what to call it but it hurts and at times I really hate him for it and what it's done to me. I don't know if I'm weak to stay or if it's weaker to walk away?

This is not how I want to be or feel for the rest of my life, I just want to stop hurting, stop remembering things, stop resenting him and her but will that all stop if I walk away? I just want to feel normal again, I want to feel loved (really loved) I want to feel special, God, what do I sound like .... it's all I, I, I, me, me, me !!

stillcryinginside Mon 23-Jul-07 17:08:34

Thank you overdraft for making me feel normal, I do have good days, thats what I think confuses him, if I try to explain my feelings on a bad day he'll say "but you don't feel like that all the time, it will get easier" and thats it, it feels like he's just batting away my feelings like they're not important. There's a lot of stuff from my childhood and early teens that makes betrayal and feelings of being unloved more hurtful for me because it brings back a lot of painful memories. I have asked him to tell me everything because I just feel I need to know but he says he has even though I don't beleive it. He says i'll only be happy if I hear what I want to hear and thats the worst case scenario.

He did treat me differently from a couple of months after, almost overnight he became very loving and considerate and couldn't do enough for me but I can't understand why it took so long for him to become that way if I was what he really wanted. Now everythings pretty much back to how it was before all this he doesn't really make any effort to make me feel important or special or 'the one' but I guess he feels after 2 yrs he shouldn't need to now and everything should be over and done now and he's done his time so to speak.

I'm not a regular poster, I came across the site much by accident a few weeks ago while aimlessly surfing and sat reading the posts till the early hours and cried at some of the heartbraking stories, I eventually plucked up the courage to post because I just felt I couldn't hold it all in anymore and felt I was going to go mad. In the space of a day I can want to laugh, cry, scream, lash out, it drives me mad feeling like this

maturer Mon 23-Jul-07 20:28:49

stillcrying... you are absolutely normal and it is not your fault you feel like this.

I think i'm probably overdrafts 3 year friend, infact we got to know each other through MN a couple of years ago and together - with others kind of tried to support each other through the bad days.

It is 3 years since my dh ended an affair (will be 4 in nov since I found out)we are still together, we are closer and stronger yet there are still days I feel the pain allover again as if it wre happening now.

Time does heal, time and talking- slowly very sowly you move on. You start by realising you haven't cried about it today, then you realise you've actually enjoyed a movie or a book whre someone refers to an affair...then you get to the point where you can push it away and focus on the now not the then. However I'm a firm believer that this is a grieving process ( grieving for the relationship you once had) and like true grief it hits you in waves. I also believe you can't really start to move on until you make some sense of what happened, get all the "demonds" out in the open and talk them to death. My dh at first thought this was dragging us back he just wanted to move on and forget what he'd done ( after all who wants to recall that they were a cheating decieving selfish person?) but he gradually realised it was healing to talk about it and to deal with my pain and try to keep reassuring me that NOW is what matters. You have to get in your head some sense of why/how this happened and piece together all the pieces of the jigsaw otherwise it eats away at you and you fill the gaps in yourself!

Honey the emopetions you are trying to deal with are very strong and overwhelming - I'd recommedn if you can YOU see a counsellor (I did) it helped me vent them in a safe place. it helped me make sense of all the information I had, it helped me make clear decisions aboutwhat I wanted n the end- it's hard to think straight when your heart is broken.

I came to MN because I was so desperate to talk to someone who had been in the situation themselves- we all have slightly different stories but the emotions, the pain the despair are the same....I found on Mn I wasnormal, it wasok to feel the emotions I was feeling (like you I could go...still can on the odd day...from anger, hate, saddness pain all in the same sentence!)

The problem is the one person in the world whom you think will never evr hurt you has...your best friend, your lover , your hero- they've done the unthinkable and probably can't quite say why themselves. So you start blaming yourself looking for problems in your relationship, the what if's and maybe's ....the bottom line is HE had choices he made them and he has to face the consiquences. One of which is for the time being you are and emotional wreck.

Start to look after your own mental health start to look after your broken heart. It is OK to grieve, give yourself time and space to do it- let himshare it but then try to make tme for each other, try to date again and look after one another- life has a habbit when you have been together for a long time, especially with kids- of getting in the way and before you know it, you don't even see it happening you are miles away fro each other. You need to get the closeness back- that only happens with honesty and hard work.

If you are a book person I found "after the affair" by Julia Cole helped me (not everyone does)I think it's in the relate series- give it a go and keep talking. You cannot supress these feelings they creep out and ambush you so best get them all out and face them full on. From what you say you have deeper issues from your earlier life- counselling can help there. You know it's not a weakness to seek help it is infact a strength. If your car was broken youd take it to a professional to fix it...your heart's broken...find a professional to help you fix it you deserve to feel better than this! Takke care and keep talking You can get pats this it's just very slow and a rollercoaster of emotions!

stormy06 Mon 23-Jul-07 21:17:23

i totally agree with everything maturer says you woul go get your car fixed its just a lot harder to fix a broken heart good luck and im glad you saw your gp i hope it helped!!

stillcryinginside Tue 24-Jul-07 14:49:32

Thanks maturer,

I was nodding my head in agreement to all you said. I'm still at the part where an affair or any sign of unfaithfulness shown on tv, book etc still drives me wild with anger. I can feel my self getting so riled up and even shouting at the tv if someone is doing their partner wrong. I'm in a very sarcastic place where if im watching something on tv and they are all lovey dovey and thing they've met their perfect partner, inside i'm thinking (don't trust him he'll s**t on you soon as he can) it's horrible I feel like a real man hater at the moment and I know it's not fair to judge every man that way. I'm just so broken up about it all.

You are so right about thinking the only person in the world that wouldn't hurt you does and that's what I'm finding so hard to get over. I was so sure in my heart of hearts that he would never in a million years do this to me. Not for one second because I think/thought I was so perfect he'd never want anyone else, more because we had been together so long he knew everything about me all the crap i've been through in my life, he was the only person I'd ever told everything to and he knew what it had done to me. He had helped me through all that helped me to love and trust again and now he's taken it all away and I feel empty and lost. I don't know whats real anymore, what it's all for.

I feel like I want to be on my own for the rest of my life and never let another man close to me again so I can't get hurt. I'm so scared I don't know how anyone can put someone they love through this.

We had a good long chat last night when the children where in bed. I explained to him that I don't like feeling like this and I want to feel 'normal' again. I just want to feel special and to show me that he really cares about me. He listened to me and nodded alot.

I get so resentful when I ask if he can do something or suggest we do something together and he's either too busy or says he will/we can but it never happens and my mind starts racing back to the times he was meant to be busy or doing something important but he was really seeing her or spending the day texting or chatting on the phone to her. It makes me feel like he gave more time to making time for her and she was more important than me and our children.

I'm sorry i'm rambling again i'll shut up now

maturer Tue 24-Jul-07 16:20:53

ahh the voice in your head- yes I know it well. You can be having a normal family day then something awakens the "resentful angry confused voice" and you find you are thinking exactly the opposite to what you are doing or saying. You do for a while become very sinical - that's what breach of trust does to you. It takes a minute to breach trust and a life time to build it again!But it can be done.

We've got to the point where he can usually spot by the expression on my face when something has ambushed me- a thought provoked by nothing- a phrase he's used or a song I hear- he now asks me in a " give it to me on the chin " type way because he knows he caused it so he has to deal with it. Somehow i find once it's out and aired I feel better.

Remember you are not mad- you are heart broken and grieving. If you burried those feelings at the time it was happening they will come out eventually- tackle the demonds- no more secrets fromhim and from you (emotions/ thoughts I mean)you can slowly move on you just have to work together now.

stillcryinginside Tue 24-Jul-07 16:51:03

Thank you so much maturer

It means so much to me just knowing that someone really does understand these thoughts and feelings. I know not everyone feels or reacts the same way in similar situations but you make me feel that you really know what I am feeling and thinking. Thats it .... it's the voice, the voice that questions everything, and I don't know if it's the voice of reason or the voice that doesn't want me to be happy again, that doesn't want me to give him a second chance ?

Do people deserve a second chance when you've made it so clear right from the start that this is something you would/could never ever forgive. I was so sure in my mind that there would never be any second chances but now it's happened and it's real I have doubts. I don't just want to throw away all these years of marriage but I don't ever want him to think that he's gotten away with it once so he will again, I couldn't go through this again.

I feel such a hypocrit, I made all these promises to myself that I would never let anyone treat me this way and now I have. I would be the first to say to a friend who was being cheated on "get rid, he doesn't derserve you and you deserve much better" what kind of a friend does that make me? now I feel so pathetic that I could have been so judgemental and think I had the right to tell others how to live their lives when I can't even deal with my own.

I do get the impression that he's started to spot things he seems to grimace and go very quiet, flick over the channel on the tv or even get up to do something if theres anything to do with affairs, unfaithfulness etc I can tell he's very uncomfortable about it. He says he finds it hard to talk about because he's ashamed of what he did and he doesn't want to see me hurt anymore.

I really want to believe him I just wish I could.

maturer Tue 24-Jul-07 17:09:36

Only you can answer if he deserves a second chance. However i would say unless you've actually lived through this you cannot understand how it is so not black and white!

For me I saw my best friend, lover hero, soulmate "lose the plot" I couldn't believe he'd done what he had, I couldn't take in that I didn't see it coming and yet deep down there was a voice in me saying fight for this. I weighed up what we'd had before which was 21 years of a really great relationship against his "year" od madness-he'd never before given me any cause for concern and the person I was seeing in front of me was not my dh. I don't know where he came from or how he crept up on me but I knew what we'd had before this year of madness some people never even get close to. So I decided to fight to try make him see sense to reach inside him and look for the person I'd loved so long. I don't regret that for 1 minute and I know now 3 years on he is so grateful that I saw his humannes- the capacity of anyone to make the wrong choices.
Good people can sometimes do bad things and dilude themselves about what they are
doing. All I can advise is if you had something good before this and can try to make some sense of what's just hapened then fight for it. there are plenty of stories on here of people who areliving in relationships that are just awful- you know what you had- life cansomtimes just get in the way- you can get it back again if you both work together.

stillcryinginside Thu 26-Jul-07 00:09:38

I've not got much work done today, I've spent most of the day reading through the posts on here trying to make sense of my own problems while reading of so many others struggling with their own problems too. my heads been all over the place and I couldn't put my finger on it.

It's been a strange day somehow and just felt really low for some reason, I was chatting to my mum on the phone around 8.30 this evening when my husband walked in with a box of chocolates and a card I didn't have a clue till he said "happy anniversary" I'd completely forgotten it was our annivery today, looks like he did too until late this evening.

As I've said before we both work from home so he's had plenty of chance to get them if he knew about it all day but he did say around 8pm that he was just popping to the garage to fill up so I figure thats when he must have remembered. I can't complain cos I didn't remember at all I felt a bit awful about it and shared my chocolates with him though

Maybe that was bugging at my subconcious I'm not sure. I've done a lot of thinking today though and realised I spend a lot of time worrying about what he's thinking. Sometimes he just seems to drift off in thought and go really really quiet, I've been reading men are from mars, women are from venus recently trying to make sense of our differences and how we read each other differently. My concerns are that when he's drifting in thought: is he thinking about her, is he remembering how good it was, does he still miss her, all negative thoughts that are obviously not healthy but I can't seem to help it.

When I ask him what he's thinking about he just says "oh nothing" which doesn't help matters and doesn't put my restless mind at ease. I just wish I could stop having these negative thoughts

overdraft Thu 26-Jul-07 11:39:03

Hi there
Anniversarys are a strange thing after an affair. I wonder whether he didn't know what to do about it and didn't forget. I still can't celebrate our anniversary ,because it still makes me feel so sad. This was the day we promised each other it all and he broke it all and now it means nothing.Funny thing is it still means the world to him , but I feel numb.
I used to wonder what dh was thinking about.Your dh is probaly thinking about how lucky heis to have not lost YOU. It's you he wants to be with. I don't belive guilty people would think how wonderful it all was. I know my dh just feel shame, remorse and disgusted with himself. In fact he told me the only time he thinks about her is when I bring it up.
I know what you mean too when you say you were the type of person that would recomend a friend to ditch a cheating partner. When my dad cheated on my mum, I swore I would never let anyone treat me like that. She had him back for a few weeks and I thought she was an idiot.My dh knew what I had been through and how much that part of my life hurt me, but he was prepared to do it to me and our children. It just shows you how much he had lost the plot.
Part of the battle is getting past the feelings and values you hold about infidelity. It isn't easy is it? I really understand how you feel. It's like you are judging yourself for having him back because it goes against all your beliefs.
Keep talking on here. This is a great support, I don't know anyone in real life that is moving on from an affair, so it's good to talk on here.

stillcryinginside Thu 26-Jul-07 20:37:05

Thanks so much overdraft

you have just summed up so many things I am feeling almost as though you are reading my mind and thoughts.

I saw my mum get hurt so many times, from my father to one partner after another, she was cheated on, abused mentally and physically and just put up with it. So much so that I just never got on with any of her partners and I finally left home at 16 when the partner she was with at the time started to mentally abuse me and one night he beat me and tried to strangle me.

It took me a long time to forgive her for staying with him after that and we didn't speak for yrs. We now have a good relationship and he is long out of the picture, the final straw for her was when she actually caught him with another woman, it was hard to understand why she sided with him and not me but it's over now and I no longer let it effect me.

I'm still finding it difficult to bite my tongue instead of letting out sarcastic comments when there is any reference made to the OW. If he wasn't going to tell me all I needed to know I was going to find out all I could be myself, and in doing so I now know her name, where she lives, works etc so occasionally if we are watching something on tv and the town where she lives is mentioned or anything else that remotely has anything to do with her and before I know it my mouths open and the words come out!! I could kick myself immediately but it's too late then. I try so hard not to do it but the resentment and anger takes over and I don't seem to have any control over it

stillcryinginside Fri 27-Jul-07 14:00:31

Well I decided to make a real effort last night, thought about how difficult it must be for him too and wanted to show him that I want to move on and try to get things back on track.

The children were all in bed relatively early last night so I suggested we could have an early night. I left him with the thought and went for a nice long soak and pampered the parts that needed a little extra pampering lol I left some saucy undies on the bed just in case he went up to the bedroom so he would spot them.

Just as I was finishing off he came up to the bathroom to wash and brush up. I was still drying off when he went to get in bed, I decided not to bother drying my hair and keep him waiting and just threw it up in a towel, went to get my saucies from the bedroom, he never moved so I quickly dashed into the bathroom and put them on and slid into bed in them making sure I brushed up against him. What did he do? went to #@%$ing sleep
i'm sorry for swearing but i'm so angry, upset and frustrated !!!

It's not that he doesn't want it, he does and we have, it's just that it's always on his terms when he wants to, is it any bl@@dy wonder I feel so unloved and rejected

overdraft Fri 27-Jul-07 14:22:29

poor you
What was that all about then do you think? Nowonder you feel rejected t.b.h
Is he always like that then?

overdraft Fri 27-Jul-07 14:24:49

Did you tell him how that made you feel?

stillcryinginside Fri 27-Jul-07 14:57:40

Its not the first time it's happened and i've told him previously how it makes me feel he seems to take notice of my feelings at the time but it obviously doesn't sink in or why do it again? I know i can't just expect him to be in the mood every time i am but surely he could make more of an effort. It just feels like it's me that is making all the effort again now.

When the OW was on the scene sex between us was fantasic, thats what knocked me sick tbh when I found out, I couldn't bare the thought that we'd had a wild night of love making the night before then found out he was texting/calling her the morning after asking how she was telling her he loved her and was missing her, putting me down in his txt messages and making out there was nothing between us anymore and if i said or did anything it was a pain to him. she seemed to sympathise with him telling him how her marriage was crap too and it wouldnt be like that forever and to try to put up with me best he could. I'm shaking now just thinking about it.

Each time I feel he's rejected me I go back to my depression and low self esteem and don't know how best to handle it, taking to him feels just like banging my head against a brick wall. I've been reading through hatingtoberight's thread and wish I could be more like her, she seems to be handling it so much better than me, I remember all the inconsistences too in what he said was happening and what I actually read in the messages. He said he wanted to call it off but was scared I would find out and felt trapped but the messages never looked tht way to me, loads of kisses at the end of something doesn't say to me I don't want this to continue. Knowing your wife as serious suspicions and lots like she's about to find out whats going on and still going to meet the OW still calling still txting is not something that says i want this to end in my book.

arrrgggghhh I feel like screaming, crying, it's doing my head in why do i still feel like this, I feel like I could throttle the pair of them right at this moment they have no idea what they've done to me !!!

I'm sorry to ramble but my fingers just wont stop typing at the mo, i feel like a woman possessed on the edge. I remember thinking a few months after it ll came out, he's right, this is my fault, i've neglected him, not shown him how much I care and love him, I'm too busy with the children, work, chores etc and he needs to feel loved. I made a real effort then and did all the things we tend to let go after yrs of marriage and kids. Make myself look better turned out for him, had my hair done, started to wear a little makeup and generally primed myself more for sexier bedroom activities.

The fact that he'd let himself go just as much as me, unshaven, put weight on, slobbed in front of the tv all night every night, did little around the home didn't seem to sink in. i put all the emphasis on me and made that descision to change things, all was good for a few weeks at a time, then things would slide again and he'd make me feel unloved and unsexy again. I'd start getting depressed again and it was like a vicious cycle. 2 yrs on and were still running around the same sorry pattern and getting nowhere fast. I do care about him deeply and love him but I no I don't love him like I did before all this happened but I'm starting to wonder if the last 14 yrs of marriage have all been an utter waste of my time. I so want things to work out and be good between us but I don't know anymore if it's really worth my effort when he doesn't seem to put as much in, that sounds like he doesn't put anything in, he does but in small measures when it suits him to do so.

stillcryinginside Fri 27-Jul-07 15:13:08

A couple of weeks ago we where in the car together going to check on a job, we where parked at the traffic lights and chatting about what needed to be done when I noticed he wasn't actually looking at me he was looking at something over my shoulder and not really paying attention to what I was saying. I glanced over my shoulder to see what had caught his attention and there was this sexy young blonde swept back hair, golden tan, sat in a fancy black sporty merc at the side of us. I giggled and said "yeah, she's nice, bit too young for you though love" she was about 20 - 25 ish if a day. My husband is 40 this year.

She was really pretty and could see why she would catch his eye and it never bothered me. I continued with our discussion and glanced up at him again and sure enough he's still there staring at her practically with his tongue hanging out. I just said ok you've had a good look now can we get back to this please. he completely denied he'd looked at her, didn't see her, hadn't a clue what I was talking about, even when the traffic started moving again and has we were swearing around the corner he was still gawping over at her instead of looking where we were going

By now I was annoyed and said dont bl@@dy lie, I'm sitting here watching you stare, he still denied it and tried to make me out like I was just imagining it how stupid does he really think I am

Maybe he just wants his cake and eat it but doesn't like the idea of it when he gets caught and the excitment is't as strong then, and he wonders why I dont trust him anymore

overdraft Fri 27-Jul-07 15:33:39

You said that you saw RElate or similar before. Why don't you go back there and have some more.They really are very helpful and dh couldn't have done without them.

Our stories are so similar they really are.
We were having fantastic sex up to five times a week , instigated by me( we had been for a couple of years). This is why I thought he surly wouldn't be up for an affair.

I too had accused him the 2 weeks before I found out of having an affair with her.He said no and I cryed and felt ashamed that I could think such a thing of my darling, faithful husband.He cuddled me why I cryed too.

He still carried on with the affair after this. He said he was trying to end it and didn't know how. Her husband showed me lots of his texts to her. The day before he text that he hope myself and her husband both played ball, so they could be together. Her husband went fishing and he waited until I was asleep and went around hers.I felt for a long time that it only ended because he had been found out.

I do try to imagine what it must be like to take risks like that. Yes she's onto me but maybe just one more time, like a racing driver gets off on the risk that he cashed his car , but it didn't kill him. I won't get caught.It has nothing to do with how they feel about the ow it is the thrill factor. Your DH was playing a game that he didn't want to stop, but did at the same time.

It's unfortunate that we saw the texts really and it is hard wiping them from your mind. It is like clear eveidence thrown in your face of what kind of person they have been and you just can't belive it.

When your husband dosen't want sex so many thoughts must fill your mind.That little voice again. Bet he wouldn't refuse sex with her? bet he was always up for it with her? She must be better in bed than me in the bedroom ect.Am I right? You really must tell him how you feel. Infact the truth is you were more likely to have had better sex than them, you are sexier and you have a loving and honest relationship, you have history and children to share. This all means a damn site more than a stolen dishonest shag.

overdraft Fri 27-Jul-07 15:49:10

Thats a really insensitive thing for him to do. Lets be honset he is never gonna stop eyeing other woman up and you shouldn't expect him too, but to do that is not nice. It's not about that though is it. He is ignoring your feelings and making you feel insecure. He needs to be making you feel special and need, wanted e.c.t

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