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What a mess

(20 Posts)
cheerup Wed 22-May-19 01:29:31

When somebody tells you who they are - listen. I didn't and now have spent 15 years with someone who acts like the perfect husband and father but cheats and lies as if he (we) had nothing to lose and has done on and off since the start. I've forgiven before but don't think I can this time. I'm heartbroken about telling our children - everything seems so perfect in the surface, how are they going to make sense of it in year 5 and year 8. But he has absolutely ruined everything - don't want to explain exactly why (too outing) but suffice it to say infidelity related but with potentially serious ramifications for him (and therefore me and the children) outside of our relationship too. What a mess. Can't sleep, can't process any of it.

Where do I go from here? I just want to go to sleep, then go to work and carry on as if tonight had never happened... although it would have eventually inevitably. Please tell me the kids will be ok. I'm so distressed for them.

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Hidingtonothing Wed 22-May-19 01:39:33

I don't know what to say OP but I couldn't not reply. The kids will be ok because you will no doubt make sure they are. What's happened isn't your fault or your doing and it's bloody unfair that it will inevitably be you left to pick up the pieces, but you will because that's what you and the kids need you to do. Do you have any support in real life? Please don't be afraid to tell people close to you, the shame is his, not yours. I'll be around for a while yet if you still can't sleep, sending hugs and hoping you're ok flowers

cheerup Wed 22-May-19 01:45:53

Thank you so much for responding... it's very lonely in the middle of the night. I do have real life support - spoke to a friend -m which I've always felt too ashamed to do before. I cant carry this and I can't make it right and that's what hurts more right now than anything else.

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Missbee90 Wed 22-May-19 01:59:19

The dog got me up for a wee and I couldn’t get back to sleep and couldn’t not reply.
I don’t have the answers but what I do know is it sounds like you’re a strong women who will ensure her children are ok.
Don’t be ashamed and do speak to your friends and family like you have done, the people that love you would want to support you. I’m 29 and going through divorce and remember the feeling of feeling ashamed about the situation and what he had done but his behaviour doesn’t define you. Sending you love and hoping you get some sleep x

FuriousVexation Wed 22-May-19 02:51:29

OP I'm sorry that sounds really difficult. I'm assuming he's broken safeguarding rules for it to potentially affect your DC. Maybe this will be the wake up call he needs to stop fucking about with vulnerable women...

And maybe it will be the wake up call YOU need to stop letting this joker play with you.

cheerup Wed 22-May-19 02:58:41

Nothing to do with safeguarding. I'm hardly vulnerable... gullible and ever hopeful certainly but no, not vulnerable. He will always be my children's father whatever I do now so my focus is on what is best for them and my concern now is how I steer a way through this which minimises the effect on them.

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HennyPennyHorror Wed 22-May-19 04:20:15

You owe it to yourself to live a good and happy life. You, as a whole person is far more valuable to your children than the suffering you....

He's lost his chance the sound of it. What's good for you is good for the children OP. In the long term.

Blondebakingmumma Wed 22-May-19 07:02:36

I could be wrong, but has your DH got someone pregnant? You are strong and you will get through this. You should never feel shame for someone else. Don’t hide his dirty secret

cheerup Wed 22-May-19 07:29:46

No, nobody is pregnant - as far as I know although little would surprise me at this point. I am strong, and me and the children will get through this. I just wish we didn't have to. I'm so tired already.

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Miniloso Wed 22-May-19 07:40:39

It’s important for the kids, however hard it might be, for you and he to remain amicable when you separate. Your children are young and if you can stay ‘friendly’ with him there will be less lasting repercussions for them. Get a routine in place for him seeing them on a regular basis.

Sorry you are going through this.

cheerup Wed 22-May-19 07:47:23

I know, and I struggle to bear grudges so I think that will be ok longer term. At the moment I am currently desperately sad and disappointed from my perspective and fuming on behalf of the kids who I thought we were both committed to. It's less than 24 hours though so I'm sure there is a whole range of feelings to go through yet! Thank you all for your support - it really is helping.

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Blondebakingmumma Wed 22-May-19 11:43:55

How are you going OP?

cheerup Wed 22-May-19 13:33:42

Can't eat and could happily spend the night at work to avoid going home and having to deal with it all.

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cheerup Wed 22-May-19 13:34:27

... but I know I have to.

Thanks for asking flowers

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Blondebakingmumma Fri 24-May-19 11:51:20

You can deal with this. No matter how difficult, you will get through the other side. You may hurt like hell for a long time, but it will get easier 💐

cheerup Fri 01-May-20 12:03:46

Nearly a year on. It doesn't hurt any more. The kids are fine. I'm better than ever. My ex is pretty useless; he seems to have latched on to another woman with kids around the same age. It's like he just wants the package, it doesn't matter who is in it. From my perspective, I dont care - I wouldn't have him back in a million years - but I'm fuming on behalf of our children.

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NoMoreDickheads Fri 01-May-20 14:39:05

So you don't live with him anymore? Well done. You're anger is understandable. Glad if you're getting by. xxx

pog100 Fri 01-May-20 14:47:16

Well done, another positive thread. Apart from the fuming which is understandable. The kids will make their own judgment eventually.

pinktophat Fri 01-May-20 14:52:01

That's brilliant you are doing so well. Well done! Isn't it brilliant to have come through it...I remember feeling so weary at the road ahead to recovery. It took me three years altogether but now totally recovered which I never thought would happen. Lovely that you've come back and updated. Enjoy your hard-fought freedom⭐️

cheerup Fri 01-May-20 21:29:02

Thank you @NoMoreDickheads, @pog100, @pinktophat and everyone who replied last year. It was so hard at the time but it was absolutely the right thing for him to go. My friends have been wonderful, as have the children, and apart from this pandemic and lockdown, life is good!

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