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Being balmed is getting exhausting... Or aibu

(188 Posts)
Spanglyprincess1 Tue 21-May-19 05:53:55

So my other half has 3 children from. His first marriage and a under 1 year old with me. He is self employed in a field related to his hobby.
(background as relevant)
When I fell pregnant, he was very happy, we discussed how childcare etc would work as he is on a low wage. He wanted more children. We agreed to split the childcare three days and four. I would do compressed hours and do four days childcare and he would do the other three. This didn't happen as he was panicking about it so bbay does 1 day childcare, 2 days with him during the day (only till 3 pm) then rest of the time with me including all evenings. Its exhausting as I do 10 hour days and then a short extra day to make up my hours so u earn enough. I went back to work early from mat leave due to money also. Its fine but it isn't what we agreed.
Basically, he never has money he complains how he can't work enough due to childcare. I've offered to arrange more childcare with our childminder but he says that I don't mean it and will resent him for it and he can't afford it if I do.
He says the house I bought for us cost too much so his living costs are too much. He used to live at home for free and I temporarily moved in when pregnant for a short period while we were buying. The house I've bought is rent and mortgage free. We each pay under 450 a month for the running of the house and childcare costs. The rest of his money is his to spend, plus pay debts etc.
He bought a second hand car as his old one 20 years old broke down beyond repair. A relative offered him a different car but it broke down a lot and was dangerous for the kids to be in. Apparently I made him buy the car and he can't afford it (I didn't, I just pointed out he needed a car to do school runs and for baby which wouldn't break down once a week). He bought a cheaper but reliable car. I bought the 6 seater as more expensive and less economical so we have a vehicle to take all the kids - he doesn't like them.
I've said if he's struggling he could change jobs, to anything tbh and he would have a stable income. He says he loves his job and won't do it and shouldn't have to.
Is it me or is he de facto blaming me and baby for his situation?! I don't think his living costs are high and are low to normal, Ive offered solutions but get told I don't mean them or he can't afford it.

category12 Tue 21-May-19 05:57:07

It sounds like he wants you to pay for everything and not do his share.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 21-May-19 06:00:59

That's the thing he doesn't. He very insistent on paying towards bills and I made it clear from the beginning of the relationship I won't pay for everything.
Is the blame or apparent blame I find wearing - he says he's not blaming me just discussing problems but he won't listen to solutions or help himself.
I genuinely don't think the household costs are high. Esp for someone with kids.

FuriousVexation Tue 21-May-19 06:04:35

"Please don't tell me what I do and don't mean" followed by a meaningful stare

You will soon get a "waaaaaahhhh I don't want to waily waily" which will leave you much less confused

But short cut - he doesn't like being a parent.

KatherineJaneway Tue 21-May-19 06:07:09

You say you 'fell pregnant'. Was the baby planned?

IronManisnotDead Tue 21-May-19 06:07:17

Can you not see what he is doing @Spanglyprincess1 ? He is breaking you down bit by bit, blaming you for everything, etc etc. Father of the year isn't he!

Save yourself the heartache and the constant need to appease him, LTB.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 21-May-19 06:15:47

Baby was discussed but not planned as such, although longer term we agreed on having them. He wanted a family unit and more children. We discussed it. The timing was awful but our georgous baby is perfect and I wouldn't replace him.
He was ecstatic when I wa spregnnat and supportive, it's the realities of a young child - his last was 7 years ago - which he is struggling with plus baby is a horrendous sleeper tbf. He loves the kids and is hands on, he's better as they get older but a lot of people are. He has his 3 one day a week overnight and every other weekend plus half school holidays.
The main issues seem to be financial.

sarahqueenofp Tue 21-May-19 06:17:14

He doesn’t have to pay any rent or mortgage and does fuck all childcare and does his hobby for a job which doesn’t earn him much while you do ten hour days and then he constantly bitches at you for his awful situation? Wtf. And no your household costs are not high at all, they are joyously low.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Tue 21-May-19 06:19:52

He sounds like a lazy, whiny man-child himself.

Monty27 Tue 21-May-19 06:22:07

His life is his hobby. Get rid.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 21-May-19 06:22:13

He really thinks he does most of the household stuff and childcare. It's insanity.
He doesn't bitch that much, honestly, but he really can't see how low the living costs are comparatively. When I point out that he has enough time for a normal working week he says self employed isn't like that and he needs more time.
I'm exhausted all the time. But tbh I expect it with a young child and working full time in compressed hours but I make the scarafices for my child as I want to provide for him as best I can.

OrdinarySnowflake Tue 21-May-19 06:24:23

It sounds like he wants an easy life, and forgot that being a grown up with kids isnt an easy life.

The fact he moved in with his parents after the divorce and find the idea of total living costs without rent or mortgage too high, suggests that he quite likes not having to be a proper grown up, whatever he says.

He wants to be the sort of responsible man who pays half of everything and does the fair share of childcare, but he also doesn't want to have to do it because being an overgrown child who just does his hobby and is looked after by grown ups is nicer. He blames you because it's being with you that's stopped his perpetual teenage years.

category12 Tue 21-May-19 06:28:24

Ordinarysnowflake has it.

GertrudeCB Tue 21-May-19 06:28:38

Hes training you. Your life together is ALL on his terms.
Let me guess - you were financially solvent when you met and he was living like a teenager for free with his parents?
He saw you coming.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 21-May-19 06:31:52

So I'm not going mad am I? He is blaming me or not taking up responsibility.
He's moaning that his outgoings are high but that's mostly paying of his debt and due to his choices. Plus I worked out and with cms, credit card, car loans and food and fuel, he still spends under 1000 a month all in. That's about the same as me.

Wallywobbles Tue 21-May-19 06:34:14

Wouldn't you prefer to be with an adult as opposed to stroppy teenager? You know someone who makes things happen? Good luck.

Imnotbent Tue 21-May-19 06:34:40

He is not taking any responsibility. You are subsidising him in every way. Blaming you is his way of absolving himself from his obligations or accountability.

He lives in a house rent and mortgage free at your expense.

He looks after his child for reduced hours subsidised by you working condensed hours and doing the rest of the childcare.

He works self employed at his hobby but does not have much money, how many hours a week does he work? He’s not really self employed if he’s just making some money out of a hobby.

The answer as to why should he do something else is easy, so that he has an income which will support himself and his children.

So that you can afford childcare, which will give you some balance and you don’t have to work long hours to allow him not to. (Or look after the baby more often)

What would have happened if you had said why should I return to work early on maternity leave?

Financially would you be better off without him, as £450 a month seems like a measley contribution with no responsibility while you are the main provider.

Don’t allow him to break you down and don’t enable him to be as feckless as he sounds.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 21-May-19 06:34:48

I've been financially solvent since I was 21. He didn't see me coming, we had a functional life together and everything was fine.
I've always been very clear about finances and I don't cover his expenses. We aren't married and my equity eg property is ringfneced.
I was previously divorced so I'm a bit wiser on that stuff than I used to be.

Kiwiinkits Tue 21-May-19 06:35:00

There’s ALWAYS a reason why the first wife got rid of a divorced man. The reason usually doesn’t take long before it shows up in the subsequently relationships.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 21-May-19 06:37:07

He says he does 60 hours a week and tbh he sort of does but its tatting, and not focused and earns very very little for what he puts in.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 21-May-19 06:37:52

Well that could apply to divorced wife's too. I'm divorced after all, so being divorced alone isn't a red flag.

KatherineJaneway Tue 21-May-19 06:46:42

He sounds very immature. Told you he wants to have kids etc but is completely unprepared for the reality which tells me a lot about how much effort he put in for his other children. Tries to make everything your fault like he puts the blame for his circumstances onto you rather than himself.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 21-May-19 06:51:49

I said everyone has money issues, I've had a tax bill that I've needed to sort this month. So am skint. I have 80 quid to last till payday and my car needs a repair. But I make it work, I budget, I was going out but now my friends coming to me for a film and cake/tea rather than meeting for lunch. Etc.
It's normal for money to be tight but I budget. I buy babies toys mostly second hand now it's plastic tat or wooden ones and Milton them.

HelloYouTwo Tue 21-May-19 06:54:08

Wow. You bought a house for cash presumably as you say no mortgage or rent. You bought a big enough car to take all dc including his. You provide childcare.

He works 60 hours a week - what’s his hourly rate when you look at his income / profits? He’s onto a winner with you and a loss with his job presumably. I’d be thinking about kicking him out tbh. Is it going to improve any time soon? Imagine how much easier your life would be as parent to one child and no free loading moaning partner.

junebirthdaygirl Tue 21-May-19 07:00:07

When he complains could you find one sentence to say...I'm sure you will work it responsibility is back on him. Sounds like he has got into a habit of whinging and not taking responsibility. So don't waste energy justifying yourself or explaining just leave him work it out. You sound very organised and competent so he is counterbalancing that by acting like an irresponsible teen. Stop taking all the responsibility for everything..just hand it back to him...not with big drama but just saying..I'm sure you will sort it and move on with your own life.

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