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He won't touch me. (really long with copy and pasted texts)(44 Posts)
Hi all. This is sort of a long story but the short version is that my partner of 9 years won't touch me because of how I look.
We have a 4.5 year old dd and I've been though some trauma in that time too (termination due to HG, 2 cancer scares etc). I'm 32.
I'm 5'11 and 220lbs though that's only a stone heavier than when we met. I've been trying to lose weight but I'm also weaning off anti depressants and I'm finding it hard, thoygh I have lost almost 2 stone since having our dd.
I have a few texts that I'll copy and paste because I'm feeling really disjointed... Which is probably coming across.
I went upstairs upset hence the texts.
Me: I really need more affection in our relationship. We don't cuddle, kiss, hold hands or anything, the only time you touch me is when we have sex and even then it's basic. If I didn't force you to kiss our cuddle we never would. It's soul destroying. The only attention you give me is when you're joking about usually trying to get a rise out of me, or putting me down (again a joke I know) but that's probably why I take it so hard, I have no idea why you're with me most of the time, it's pretty obvious you'd be happier with someone else x
I apologize for however I have been or if I have put you down in anyway maybe in my own stupid way im trying to drop hints as far as kissing and holding hands goes maybe some of that attraction has gone I'm not trying to hurt you I'm really not I love you x
Me : What do you mean by some of that attraction has gone? Do you mean you're hinting at not wanting to kiss cuddle or hold my hand because the attraction has gone?
Him: This ain't easy to talk about as I love you but i don't fancy you as much as I once did
Me: I asked him if he wanted to break up
Him: No I love you and it would kill me if (dd) didn't have a proper family .. look you probably need certain things from me for what we have to work for you going out more together as a couple for one more loving towards you etc I or you can probably write a list of things I need to work on and I'm fine with that I'm not perfect and I'll be first to admit it ..if you want me to be more affectionate ect then can we both maybe together get healthy not just for us but for the long term and [DD] ..I never want to hurt you and I realize I probably have been doing just that not that I ment to
Me: I really need time to digest this. I'm going to put (dd) in with me and you can have her bed. Just so you know I'm less than a stone heavier than I was when we met, I'm not the healthiest person but for the most part my body looks like this because I had our child.. And I'm not gonna lie.. This coming up when I'm weaning off anti depressants probably isn't the best timing but at least I now know how utterly shallow you are as a person. Good night.
Him: (dd) is coming up five this is pretty much first time I've mentioned it but yet I'm shallow you buy all this fitness stuff and never use it I mentioned getting healthy (together) and you have a dig I'm not trying to hurt you ..you want me to kiss cuddle have more passionate sex hold hands (never been a hand holder btw) but you won't put in some effort to get fitter maybe you don't care how i feel that's fine
Me: You've told me you're ashamed of me more than once. Told me you don't fancy me countless times, embarrassed me countless times, talked about how you want me to look anything apart from how I do all the time, say how much you like the way other girls look. Pick on how I dress and how my hair looks. You always backtrack and say you don't mean it but obviously you always did. And I have been putting in effort, I've lost 2 stone, I've been lifting weights and doing pushups etc and exercising when you're at work, I won't do it in front of you because I feel like an embarrassment. I've asked you countless times to do it with me but you never have. You go out of your way to wait until I'm in bed. I'm just not good enough, I never was. As soon as you saw how tall I am you've always mentioned how you want a girl that is smaller so you can pick them up and throw them about. You won't touch me because of how I look. No matter what else that we're supposed to be, that's the bottom line.
If you read that... Thanks lol..
Please be honest, am I being over sensitive? Is he right, here?
I haven’t read it all but you’ve left at least one name in there; you might want to ask MNHQ to edit it.
Why are you doing all this with him over text? It sounds like you don't have much of a relationship to be honest. Neither of you know how to communicate so if you want to stay together then you should probably start there. Couples therapy or something.
I’m not sure text is the best medium for this type of very personal discussion
He is spiteful ad cruel and messing with your head
I know, I just struggle in person. I get upset and cry and can't remember what the hell I want to say. He always makes me feel like I'm over reacting
Honestly I think you over reacted. Yes, it's not a nice thing to be told, but it seems he tried to do it in a sensitive way. I agree with pp that you don't seem to be able to communicate with each other very well. Have you had any therapy? Couples therapy would probably be good for both of you.
You say you don't like to exercise in front of him but in the next sentence you say you've asked him to work out with you and he won't... Which is it? In his first message he suggests you get healthy together... Is this something you want to do? Because it if is, you'd be wiser to build on that than get upset and have a row over something you know to be true.
I don't think you're being over sensitive, but I think you need to stop texting and take a break from the discussion - it looks as though some things have been unearthed that have been brewing for a while on both sides, including insecurity on your part about being his "type", and shit comments from him. He may not realise how he's been; but you need try and be objective about if there are feelings which are born from insecurity and which are down to him being actively negative about you.
I think you need to talk sensitively to each other about it - tomorrow, though. He says he loves you, so he should be able to manage that, although based on your texts he does sound a bit shallow and twattish from things he's said in the past... mediation might help if you find face to face conversations hard, as it gives you both space to talk and be heard without things escalating. It does sound like he needs to really listen to you. Hope you can talk it through or find a way forward, but get rest now xx
Thanks everyone I am taking it all on board
Well up until your last message I thought he was being honest and straightforward, but then all the things you list that he's said and done before make him sound pretty awful.
If you want to work on things I'd say take him up on his 'healthier together' suggestion but insist that he's honest with himself and you about how he has been treating you in terms of your body etc.
The text exchange is so so.
Told me you don't fancy me countless times, embarrassed me countless times, talked about how you want me to look anything apart from how I do all the time, say how much you like the way other girls look. Pick on how I dress and how my hair looks.
All this is not OK.
What way could he have answered that would not have upset you?
Well I just went downstairs for a drink, he got up, turned everything off and left me standing in a dark room and went to bed.
Honestly we've been on the rocks for a while. He's always picking on me, calling me an idiot, saying I have no common sense etc. He says it's a joke but he only stops when I cry and even then he says sorry but I should know his sense of humour by now.
I cut my hair, he nearly dumped me because it was too short. He wouldn't recognise me on holiday because he was ashamed of how I look. My hair is longer and brown like he wanted but it's still not good enough. I do everything, from shopping to bills to cleaning, childcare etc, he works but he's self employed and doesn't have work a lot of the time. He's a gambling addict which I've stuck by him through even when I struggled to feed our kid. He's even got angry because I've not cleaned enough or changed the room around and he didn't like it.
I do my best I just don't know what else I can do. I'm so bloody tired all the time
This text exchange reads to me like the straw that broke the camel's back type of thing.
On the surface it looks as though you've overreacted but the last exchange, how you're saying he criticizes your looks and body and hair all the time and makes you feel like an embarrassment, this sounds genuine and sounds like you are really hurting.
It's only your final outburst that really gives z clear picture of the patterns in your relationship, he does not sound like a kind loving partner. You've lost 2stone ! That's amazing!
He should be supporting you but he's pushing you away.
He's always picking on me, calling me an idiot, saying I have no common sense etc. He says it's a joke but he only stops when I cry
He's a cunt.
Namechange failure? But please just have a face to face. Text is not the right medium.
I’ve name changed as I have family on here.
I’m where your partner is with my Dh. Over the years Dh weight has fluctuated massively and he is a stone and a half heavier than when I met him. He is a tall guy and kind of hid his weight well, I fell for him because he was funny and kind and his face is gorgeous, he was heavier than anyone I’d been out with but I struggle with this extra weight because he just looks fat.
He is stressed at work, comfort eats and has forgotten about his self. I have to make sure he puts something decent on when we go to dds school or out for a meal or get his hair cut when it’s overgrown and messy because he does embarrass me. I know that sounds horrible.
I love my husband and our family unit and I would never leave him but I do struggle with intimacy. Having sexual attraction to some one is such a innate thing, I don’t think you can control it.
I hate feeling like this. I miss the intimacy myself.
It worries me that he might seek intimacy else where. How ironic would that be?
I’ve never said to my husband I don’t find him attractive - I wish I could so he would know what he is doing to us a couple but I don’t think if I said those words out loud it would help anyway.
He knows I feel like this.
It’s hard on both sides of the coin. I love the bones of my partner but do I just put up with seeing some one lose themselves so completely they are not the person I met and feel cheated out of a relationship or leave and break up my lovely family?
Both partners do need to keep their side of the bargain.
He's an arse and you need to dump him. I wasn't sure from your text exchange, but actions speak louder than texted words and his actions scream that he couldn't give a shit, unfortunately.
I can not imagine living under the same roof as my husband and texting him?? That is weird, just talk face to face.
I’ve just seen your update. I’d leave anyway.
The fact you only feel comfortable communicating by text to the man who is supposed to be your dearest partner, says so much about your relationship.
Your weight is a side issue. It's just a stick he wants to use to beat you with. Even if you were a size 0 he'd find a way to bring you down.
Not that I know of, but it wouldn't surprise me
Ditch the twat. My dp would never have said any of that to me when I was 20 stone! (Now about 14). Really he sounds awful.
FFS. Get rid of this prick. He's not worth any more time or effort. being single is much better than having a nasty man like this around.
He is mean and cruel.
I agree that you could do with losing a lot of weight quickly, about 12 stone (or whatever your arse of a DH weighs).
I'm sorry you're going through this but I firmly believe that you could have a much better life going forward if he wasn't dragging you down.
Lastly, what would you say to your DD if she came to you as an adult and told you that her partner puts her down, bullies her etc? Because if she can't see that there are decent men out there she may follow you down that path, instead of either being happily single or with someone who deserves her.
You deserve better. Please think seriously about leaving this nasty individual. I promise you that your life would improve in so many ways.
Take care of yourself, Op.
Gambling addict...I'd be out the door with that right there. selfish and disrespectful to you and the kids doing that.
Life would be a lot less stressful without that bs and his constant nitpicking criticism.
To be honest I do want to leave, I have for a while. I just don't know where to start.
I owe £6000 on a car which is in my mums name (it's mine and I pay it), I don't work, I have no friends or family within 50 miles apart from my SIL who is my best friend. (dp brothers fiancee). Dd is about to start school in sep and I can't get there without a car so I'd have to move. But I can't move unless I go on benefits which I don't want to do.. I don't know everything is such a mess.
Me and Dd are so much happier without him here though.
I should add I have no money of my own, when I say I pay the car I mean he does but all money is in the house pot. The car is the only thing that's 'mine'.
Go on benefits love. This is what they're for. Then, when you get in your feet, you can 'pay it back' with taxes.
Can your mum handle the repayments while you're moving?
I don't think you're being over sensitive, but I think before you do anything you should reconsider.
He has said he loves you and does not want to break up with you. He's admitted it's partly his fault, and suggested that he's willing to work with you on your relationship problems, for example by going out more together, trying to be more loving (although he admits it never came naturally to him) and by working out together to try to get healthy, although he understands there will be other complaints on your list (interesting that his gambling addiction doesn't get a mention?)
Yes, he has behaved in a way which is cruel and mean, but is that the actual cause of the problems, or merely a symptom of how your relationship is breaking down?
In your position, and with a child to consider, in your place I would give it another shot, as long as he will make a serious attempt to put things right. It's easy for strangers on the internet to advise you to leave him - they haven't got to deal with the heartbreak first-hand.
All that business about being too tall - that's just crap btw. Don't give it another thought, honestly. It sounds like he wants to be needed and adored, to have you 'look up' to him as a wonderful person - but don't we all need that, really? And maybe you've just been too bloody tired to be sexy for the last few years.
The main question is: do you still love him?
Hi OP. I'm struggling to see what this guy does that is nice or kind. He verbally abuses you (let's not beat about the bush here; this is what he's doing). He's hammering your self esteem. He criticises you for how you look (I don't mean your weight, just in general) to the point you said he won't recognise you on holiday, which is outrageous.
He said he wants your child to have a proper family, but do you really want your daughter growing up in a house where she hears mean comments to her mum all day, and thinking it's acceptable and normal to speak to women like that?
Then on top of all that, he's got a gambling addiction.
I'd suggest that your mental health will improve immeasurably once you're shot of him.
I appreciate your reluctance to go on benefits, but this situation is what they're for.
I don't agree that counselling is going to help you (as suggested by a PP) as he sounds like all he does is criticise you. He's not joking, he's just a twat. The wanting to get healthy together comment is nonsense. It's clear that what he means is he wants you to drop more weight. Congratulations on your weight loss, btw!
I hope you and your daughter have a happy life, OP.
Not for him to like your hair cut. If you liked it, end of story.
Who the hell he is to bring you dawn like that?
Stay strong and decide what is next for you.
Congratulations on your achievement 👍💐
Christ above, he can't even be bothered to punctuate.
Get yourself in a decent financial position and kick this cunt to where he belongs: the gutter.
I'm in the 'leave the prick' camp too. This relationship has no chance of getting better. I agree with PPs there possibly are faults on both sides but you are trying and he....isn't.
You have to pick your self esteem off the floor before you can live any more of your life meaningfully and you will never do this while you are with him.
Sell the car and buy a much cheaper car. Do whatever you have to do to get away. You may have to go on benefits but that doesn't have to be forever. See it as a stepping off point only.
He is innately cruel but throwing you a bone enough to keep to hanging in there . Snort, get slitty eyed and pissed off and leave. Be done with this shit show. Stand back and wait for all the gorgeous slim stunners he thinks will come flocking to his side. It won't happen. They will soon see through him, as you have done because he is fundamentally an abusing twatting arsehole and you are right. He is shallow.
My DH's body is wrecked. He has had cancer surgery twice. I just look at the scars and see a life saved. Do I want him to look like Daniel Craig? No. I want him to look like him and thankfully he does that really really well.
Your update is so sad, OP. You sound so worn down.
Benefits -such as they are - exist as a safety net for people in need. You are in need. Don’t put up barriers to improving your situation by rejecting the little help that is available.
You are being completely undermined by your partner/husband and I think you need to get away. He isn’t being loving, he’s using those words to gaslight you, to make you accept his criticisms.
Just as you are, without any changes, you are good enough, worthy of kindness and love.
You want to leave. Work on that.
Hi lovely. I would look at finding a job. I'd also leave him with your DD every evening whilst you go to the gym and do things for yourself. Let him do housework and childcare whilst you look after yourself. Then, when you're in a position to do so, look at leaving and if you need benefits for a while, then that's fine. And don't even think about that cock you're married to again.
Not that it would change the fact he is behaving a massive arse but is he a Brad Pitt lookalike himself?
Morning everyone. Well I've had about 2 hours sleep and I can't say I'm feeling any better about it all.
I've been looking into selling the car but it's in negative equity. My mums a carer so her paying it really isn't an option. I'm petrified of screwing her credit..
Dd starts school in September so I'm planning on getting a job then, I mean, I am looking but right now I only have 2 days a week and with holidays etc I just don't think I'll get a look in. I'll probably go back to cleaning which I don't mind doing.
Oh, and no... He's good looking, his family are naturally slim too but he's no Brad Pitt!
Thanks so much for all your replies
He's up and he's not talking to me now, like properly ignoring the fact I exist.
If you're planning to go back to self employment surely your lack of days right now wouldn't be an issue?
If you are serious about leaving him you won't get better advice as you go along than us harpies and vipers on here OP. MNers have seen and done it all as a collective
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