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sitting here sobbing in my own bitter, pathetic mess. any words of wisdom to snap me out of this?

(63 Posts)
user50000a Sun 19-May-19 21:48:35

Just having one of those moments and posting in desperation really. I know I probably need a big dollop of perspective and harsh words.

I was with a man for 5 years in my twenties, we lived together. at 28 we broke up and I am nearly 35 now. he moved away...did what he wanted for a bit and then met someone and married a year or so later.

my best friend got married, divorced and met someone new since my last relationship ended. she strung her husband along for ages and broke his heart and is now happily with someone new.

my other close friend slept with someone while engaged to someone else. she is now with this new man and thinks he's the right one. she's even kept the dress she brought for the original wedding to guy number one.

my (much) younger sibling is settled down with her boyfriend of 10 years, since high school.

the man at work who cheated on his wife while she was unwell is now happily with someone new and about to buy a house.

I am by NO MEANS perfect whatsoever. but all I have ever wanted is a husband and a family. and Im not someone who just wants to find anyone and I also don't think I am too picky, though I may have been in the past.

I just feel so bitter. I know that's an awful thing to say and feel especially about my friends, but it I do. why have all these people managed to move on and find someone new so quickly, yet 6 years down the line I am still alone? it doesn't feel fair and I a fed up of it. I feel so left out of all the huge milestones in life (I KNOW these milestones are not obligatory and this is not about keeping up with the joneses...I really and truly want all this and have since a young age).

I don't know how I am going to go into work tomorrow feeling like this which I know is so self indulgent and crazy. just feeling low. marriage and a family isn't everything but it is what I want and I have to watch everyone around me doing this and yet it has never happened for me at all.

ilikemethewayiam Sun 19-May-19 21:59:14

Sorry are feeling so low OP, what are your circumstances? Do you work? Are you social? Basically do you have the opportunity to meet men? Is there anyone you are interested in? Are you a member of any interest groups?

springydaff Sun 19-May-19 22:01:24

I don't think you're bitter. Or crazy, or self indulgent.

You are grieving. The very very last thing you need is harsh words.

Give yourself a break, be kind to yourself. This HURTS flowers

springydaff Sun 19-May-19 22:04:46

Or pathetic! Sheesh girl, be kind flowers 💐 🌸

Have you heard of lament?

Perhaps mark your pain and loss through art, or music, or writing. Ritual of some kind can be so healing and loving and validating xox

user50000a Sun 19-May-19 22:05:43

yes I work. the only dating I do is online really. I meet people at work but they are in relationships mostly and also don't really want an office thing.

I have met a few people online dating and they usually want to meet again. but theres only been one ive been interested in meeting again and he was relocated with work after 3 dates and I was pretty gutted about that but was just the situation.

just feel fed up of it I guess. it doesn't seem fair that all these people find someone. I honestly feel like I am meant to be alone.

tootruetoyou Sun 19-May-19 22:07:22

Yes it is bloody hard and your feelings are totally understandable. It horrible watching people who haven't treated others that well get what you desperately want. However, as we all know life is not fair. Try to focus on you, not them. You never know what is rou corner. Stay strong. Your time will come. X

user50000a Sun 19-May-19 22:08:03

thank you for the kind words.

feel so fed up of it all. maybe it is my fault and I do something wrong. or maybe I shouldn't have written people off and should have settled down with someone even without that 'feeling'. how do you come to terms with being alone?

SonataDentata Sun 19-May-19 22:10:07

I could almost have written your post and I really feel for you. I’ve had to reduce my communication with married friends recently as it’s just too painful 😢 I don’t have any solutions but wanted you to know you’re not alone.

3luckystars Sun 19-May-19 22:10:08

You are not looking after yourself.

Write 2 lists, 10 things that make you happy (like having a bath, reading a magazine etc.) , and 10 things that you feel happy after you have done them (cleaning a wardrobe etc)

Do one thing from each list, every day.

Every day.

I bet you can't even think of ten things for each list, because you are so busy looking around that you forgot about yourself.

Start looking after yourself and fuck everyone else. Good luck.

sackrifice Sun 19-May-19 22:10:24

You are only 35, you are not doomed to be alone forever.

What you do need to do though is to drop the bitterness. There is only one person that affects and that is you.

Any one of those relationships could fall apart tomorrow. Nothing is set in stone forever.

user50000a Sun 19-May-19 22:12:11

tootrue I honestly don't think that my rime will come. I cant see it happening at all. I don't know how to accept being alone. I actually LOVE alone time when in a relationship, but when it is ALL the time is isn't nice.

I think I need to accept this really isn't happening and I just don't know how to. it is hard to explain because I have completely got my life in order aside from this so on the outside it all looks great. it is not. it is horribly horribly lonely.

thisisacrazyidea Sun 19-May-19 22:16:29

flowers. There are no words. I felt just like you. At 34 ended up with an unplanned pregnancy to a guy I barely knew. He’s now my DH and we have 2 DC......but it’s been such a hard road. I still feel bitter when I look at friends who fell in love and had the whole fairy tale. But I also have friends in their 40s who are still single and my heart aches for them. One of my best friends met her DH at 39 and had DC at 41 and 43. You still have time. But I get that it’s really really hard right now. Xx

user50000a Sun 19-May-19 22:16:29

it is so hard even being at my neighbor's recently. they chat about "ian" doing the paitning in their bathroom...or how he takes the bins out and "sophie" does the cooking. their house is different. it is a product of teamwork and nothing replaces that.

i know that bitterness only hurts me and it is futile. but right now i feel so so bitter and just cant stop crying. i have totally had enough. i am not some weak little woman who needs a man to life literally looks like i need nobody and want for nothing. i just long for a marriage and children and don't want children alone. that feeling will never go.

some people say you cant sit at home, you need to get out there, others day it happens when you least expect it so stop looking... i have tried it all.

thisisacrazyidea Sun 19-May-19 22:18:15

And everything that sack says. I’m working on the bitterness and being grateful for every imperfect day I have.

Marlena1 Sun 19-May-19 22:18:28

So sorry OP. Remember the grass isn't always greener. Please don't compare your life to others, the grass isn't always greener. On a side note I didnt meet my partner till I was 34 and we have DDs. I'm just saying there is still plenty time. It's ok to feel like this, it doesn't make you a bad person. With OLD, it's a numbers game but unfortunately that's what it takes.

user50000a Sun 19-May-19 22:23:01

marlena1 but how many numbers? i have been doing it on and off for 4 years, with a couple of short things in between.

surely there comes a point when actually theres just nobody for me. i have met a lot of people and only ever had that feeling with maybe three people and i ended two of those things after a few months, and the third was the situation above which i was gutted about. i just don't think it wil happen now and i am sitting her crying so much because i cant picture my future anymore. i don't want singles holidays, holidays with single friends, a life with extra momey to spend on myself, i domt want any of that. my life feels pointless now. it isn't fair. if it is luck then how can i have been on it for 4 years and still it hasn't happened. it wont happen now and i just don't know how to accept this.
sorry. i am blabbling. in a bit of a state tonight.

Lefty1 Sun 19-May-19 22:26:17

There’s a lot of people (bar your sister) that seem to have cheated on their significant others , these people often “monkey branch” from one relationship to the next as they don’t feel secure enough to be on their own, they “need” support. Doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is perfect for them.
I don’t know anyone , who is genuinely In a happy relationship , I starting to think its all one big myth tbh and social media have ingrained it into us that all these special moments MUST be shared with a partner. It’s shite x

sheshootssheimplores Sun 19-May-19 22:26:26

At your age I decided to just knuckle down and date like the Americans do. Sometimes I had three dates a week. At one stage I was dating two men at the same time and yes sleeping with them both! They knew about each other and weren’t particularly happy but I hadn’t gone exclusive with anyone at that point.

At 36 I decided to finally drop the FWB that had got very complicated. Exclusively date the guy who was just a proper man. Would turn up when he says he would, didn’t mess me about with mind games, just a proper good man with a solid foundation of long term relationships who didn’t flinch at the thought of weddings and babies.

I had discounted my fiancé at least three times whilst dating. I decided he was too corporate whilst I was too flighty. Then I decided I was too busy for a proper relationship. Finally I just relented and accepted he liked me and I liked him and we’re still together eight years later with two kids.

I tend to advise people now to go on at least two dates before you decide you’re not right for each other. I discounted my DP for some really spurious reasons but when I got to know him properly I realised we were very compatible.

I don’t think it’s too late at all at 35. But i do think if you really want to find someone you have to start putting in the legwork. Don’t assume someone will just appear like a fairytale.

thisisacrazyidea Sun 19-May-19 22:26:44

Oh OP I have been in your position so many times. I just sat and cried. Please try not to give up hope. We had a wave of wedding invites in our late 30s early 40s or similarly aged people. I just want to hug you.

Lefty1 Sun 19-May-19 22:30:26

And op why not have a child in your own, most women end up single mothers anyway at some point , at least you won’t have the drama of having to agree on child care nights and child care money agreement with some dickhead that you used to love ? X

elsabadogigante Sun 19-May-19 22:32:56

I'd have a child on my own, two if I could afford it.

Happyspud Sun 19-May-19 22:33:41

Do you really think that that is where the story ends for all these people? It isn’t. And if someone had been looking at you at 26 they’d have been jealously adding you to the list of people who had their relationship all sorted. I hate to use this phrase and it is the first time I’m doing it but....finding a partner is a journey, for all of us. There’s no exact age or timing that anyone can count on. What you think is it today can be totally not it 6 months later.

churchgate Sun 19-May-19 22:39:59

If you think your time won't come, it won't. You need to change your outlook. Watch The Secret and start manifesting love into your life.

It all starts with self love

churchgate Sun 19-May-19 22:41:00

If you think your time won't come, it won't. You need to change your outlook. Watch The Secret and start manifesting love into your life.

It all starts with self love

Marlena1 Sun 19-May-19 22:41:47

Are you comparing them all to your ex? We all do it but I would suggest making sure you give them a chance. I had 0 feelings for my DP the first 2 times I met him but he was nice and I felt mean so gave it 3 dates. On the third everything changed. I know you are trying and that's important but please don't put too much pressure on yourself. You have time.

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