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'You're a wife, not a girlfriend'. So how can I make myself attractive?

(197 Posts)
ImMelanieNotScarlett Sun 19-May-19 15:06:59

I'm becoming so sad about this.

I'm 28 and I've been on dates but never had a relationship. I am a homebird and I suppose I am a bit twee. I teach Reception and I bake and sew.

Until I was 27 I steadfastly avoided OLD, which didn't work.

Then I tried Match, but it was full of much older men.

So I've tried Tinder. I get lots of matches and quite a few men have said hello, but everything has fizzled out. A few times I've felt I've been a back up choice (or worse) as they've texted all week, not offered to meet up and disappeared all weekend before messaging again on Monday.

Where am I going wrong? I asked my best friend for advice and she said that I'm a wife, not a girlfriend. I know what she means by that, but it doesn't hurt any less.

Chilledout11 Sun 19-May-19 15:09:53

You sound lovely and why should you change? You are young and I would get off that site and get out and meet men through groups or friends I think.

MaidofKent78 Sun 19-May-19 15:10:50

You don't change yourself. You stay true to who you are. The right person for you will value you.

I am a homebird. I knit, sew, bake, play flute and garden. My now-husband, who I met online when I was 35, valued all those things about me and encourages me in my passions.

EdithWeston Sun 19-May-19 15:13:25

OLD does not sound remotely right for you.

So where else do you go where there are other people? Clubs, activities, faith or political gatherings, classes etc? Which all sounds a bit old fashioned, but it you are not meeting people, you really won't meet any potentially eligible men

AwdBovril Sun 19-May-19 15:13:46

I am a homebird. I knit, sew, bake & garden. I'm not into partying & going out drinking. My DH is fine with all that. Don't try to change, you sound lovely just the way you are.

ImMelanieNotScarlett Sun 19-May-19 15:13:51

Well nothing's ever worked being the way I am. I've never met anyone through groups of friends, or on night outs, and I'm not meeting anyone on Tinder either.

It is soul destroying, and so many of my circle are getting married, it just constantly reminds me of what I've never had.

GlossyTaco Sun 19-May-19 15:14:04

Don't change. I think your 'friend' was out of order in saying that.

funnylittlefloozie Sun 19-May-19 15:14:44

I dont actually know what she means. Surely everyone starts as one, before they become the other. Is she implying you're dull, have no conversation, have no sparkle? If so, she's rude and not very supportive!

Get another friend to have a look at your dating profile, and maybe make it a bit more appealing. If you think that maybe you dont come over well in texts, try and arrange to meet up with a potential date sooner rather than later.

What do you mean when you say you're a bit twee? Do you act / dress / talk like one of your Reception children?

BedraggledBlitz Sun 19-May-19 15:15:52

Maybe take the lead and invite a match that you like to a date over the weekend? No point sitting waiting for them to do it.

And put that meaningless 'wife vs girlfriend' thought out of your head. We are all just people looking for the right match.

ImposterSyndrome101 Sun 19-May-19 15:16:30

@ImMelanieNotScarlett, I'm 24 my ex told me once that I was the girl that gets married and taken home to meet the family. Not the one guys want to date or have fun with. I've not tried OLD yet but I probably will. I have no idea how to meet a guy that likes my quirks and personality like that.

ImMelanieNotScarlett Sun 19-May-19 15:16:33

So where else do you go where there are other people? Clubs, activities, faith or political gatherings, classes etc? Which all sounds a bit old fashioned, but it you are not meeting people, you really won't meet any potentially eligible men

I don't do any clubs or activities, but anything I want to do wouldn't be full of men either.

Most of my weekends for the past few weeks and until Sept are full of hen weekends, christenings and weddings.

autumnleaves15 Sun 19-May-19 15:17:54

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt by what your friend said.

Try not to let it get you down and don't change to make other people like you. I'm a very similar age to you and I'm very much a homebird. I have a jigsaw puzzle on the go, like reading, watching TV, going for walks etc.

I met my OH at work years ago and he's a bit more sociable than me but is definitely s homebird too.

I'd be terrified at the thought of online dating. Maybe there's another hobby you could take up to meet people rather than going out to bars. Maybe there's something you could join with a friend for a bit of support to begin with if you don't want to go alone? A friend of mine (who is very quiet and spends a lot of time doing hobbies at home) often goes speed dating and he seems to really enjoy it. Have you asked any of your friends or colleagues to set you up with someone they might know?

There's another bird out there waiting to set up their nest with you. smile

ImMelanieNotScarlett Sun 19-May-19 15:21:29

What do you mean when you say you're a bit twee? Do you act / dress / talk like one of your Reception children?

No... I'm a bit old fashioned. I like dresses and cardigans. I have a cat. I'm twee.

Epona1 Sun 19-May-19 15:23:56

What do you like doing other than baking and sewing?

Theatre any thing like that?

Whatever you do though, do not change for anyone. It won’t be you and you won’t be happy.

funnylittlefloozie Sun 19-May-19 15:24:54

Ah, that explains it. You've hit The Years, when every single bugger you know is getting hitched and / or reproducing. If you're single during The Years, i honestly think it hits you more acutely.

Do none of these hitched and reproducing friends have any single male friends, or brothers, or cousins? Do you socialise with colleagues (i am not daft enough to suggest you meet people through work - my DD's primary school didn't have a single male member of staff)?

AsleepAllDay Sun 19-May-19 15:25:49

Use OkCupid and be honest in your profile about what you want. You will still need to weed out the chancers but that will at least mean people will know your intentions straight up

Imfinehowareyou Sun 19-May-19 15:27:02

Have you tried 'my single friend'? It is OLD but in a kinder way (or at least it was when I was on it years ago - met my DH on there).
Your friend writes your profile.

LL83 Sun 19-May-19 15:28:51

I haven't tried OLD as I met my partner before that was a thing, but friends who have say tinder is often people looking for more casual relationships. Perhaps try a different site? (Not plenty of fish)

Also have you told your friends you would like to meet someone? Perhaps they may know of someone suited to you.

Definitely do not change, no good relationship will work due to that. Also "wife not a girlfriend" could be taken as a compliment, it is not something wrong. Good luck.

ravenmum Sun 19-May-19 15:29:36

anything I want to do wouldn't be full of men either
Ballroom dancing, tennis, rambling in the Lake District, photography, watercolours, choir, amateur theatre, book club, yoga ... all lovely, twee, old-fashioned and perfect for male and female cat lovers.

Men are not another species, and not all out there bungee jumping or whatever it is you're imagining smile.

I guess you're not part of a religious community?

BettyCrockaShit Sun 19-May-19 15:30:15

You sound fab, and I think it's a very safe bet to say it's them, not you! I was in a similar position in my mid to late 20s, and was very comfortable staying in rather than going out all night and caning it. The guys I dated though - not so much.

Cliched though it may be, once I hit my thirties this started to change. I adjusted the 'type' I went for slightly and sort of gave up my focus on dating. Instead, I decided just to enjoy living 'selfishly'. Just as I'd settled into that groove, I met my now-fiancé at 32.

Don't be hard on yourself, take time out from Tinder if you need to (God, it was a total act of self-flagellation for me!) and don't worry. You've got a good career and interests and sound like you know your own mind.

When you meet the right person, they'll realise just how good they've got it.

ImMelanieNotScarlett Sun 19-May-19 15:30:48

i am not daft enough to suggest you meet people through work - my DD's primary school didn't have a single male member of staff

No, neither have we. I do socialise and go out with different groups of people.

The Years seems right. Everyone seems coupled up or blissfully single.

thewreckofthehesperus Sun 19-May-19 15:31:11

Would you try volunteering? A good way to mix with different people and get involved in a charity you care about.

TanMateix Sun 19-May-19 15:32:01

Mai problem with being a home bird is that you are hardly ever in a visible place where you can meet people.

I am not as much as a home bird as you are but I much rather have a coffee with my friends than a night out (unless it is a quiet dinner that doesn’t involve going from pub to pub or .... ( whispers) dancing.

As much as I hated the idea, I tried OLD but kept true to what I am. I cannot say I have not encountered the proverbial weirdo or the guy who only wanted to talk about sex, but never went out with either. I treated people with respect and I got back the same. I didn’t wait to be invited either, if I liked someone and we have had a few good conversations, I would say “what are you up to on Saturday morning? I’m going to see this exhibition/for a coffee, would you like to join me?” without the pressure of it being a “date” but a coffee, I made some good friends and eventually met my lovely boyfriend... having said that I have skin as thick as a rhino so that may have helped!

ImMelanieNotScarlett Sun 19-May-19 15:32:39

Local book club and yoga classes are full of 60+ women and a sprinkling of younger women. I've never seen a man at either. Teaching doesn't help either- it is so full on during the week.

Jamhandprints Sun 19-May-19 15:33:11

Find an OLD site that is more specific. I met my OH on Fusion101 which is a Christian dating site. Not everyone on there is a Christian but there are lots of more focus on personality and interests not just orange tan and fake eye lashes.

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