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Married then divorce?

(30 Posts)
Pomo81 Thu 16-May-19 17:03:14

A few people have said to me it's common that people who are together a long time (with or without children) 6-10 years then get married can then get divorced very quickly/the relationship end... Have any of you found this in rl?

Rock3pillo Thu 16-May-19 17:35:42

I was with my stbxh for 8 years and he left me after four months marriage. I even made a joke a few weeks before the wedding about how you hear of people being together for years before marriage and it ending quickly confusedshock

Icandothisallday Thu 16-May-19 17:57:13

Yes. Though some people obviously do stay together.

But I, personally know, 4 couples who have been together years and extremly short marriages. All less than 18 months.

Think it depends on the motivation to get married. I think all the people I know, felt they should get married just because thats what you do when you have together a long time.

One did it, on the basis he would automatically get 50:50, as the wide brought much more money into the marriage. Didnt work out like that due to no kids and it being a very short marriage.

I do think if you are together years and yeara really want to get married you would find a way to do it.

Pomo81 Thu 16-May-19 18:32:56

Why do you guys think it is?

PicsInRed Thu 16-May-19 18:44:20

On the basis that women file most divorces and abuse is known to start after key life events/decreasing ability to leave, my guess would be the husband becomes more entitled and makes less effort once married and the wife goes "fuck this" and leaves.

How many of us saw a marked change in our husband when moved in/got pregnant/married/baby born etc? Loads.

Pomo81 Thu 16-May-19 18:46:08

I don't think I'm talking about abuse cases, just normal situations

Mystraightenersarebroken Thu 16-May-19 19:03:14

With my DB she'd always really, really wanted to get married. After 10 years he agreed but took another 7 years to actually do it. By then he was 52 and thought he might as well. Our parents had recently both died and I think maybe that had a bearing on it.

Anyway, he met the woman he left his wife for a month after the wedding and they were divorced after a year.

It was a horrible situation for everyone. The woman he met is the love of his life and they are still together. I just wish he'd been strong enough to not marry his long term girlfriend despite the pressure.

WhoKnewBeefStew Thu 16-May-19 19:04:54

I was with my bf for 8 years, then we married, then separated within a year. For me it was the realisation that I was stuck with this man for the rest of my life (he was abusive).

Tableclothing Thu 16-May-19 19:08:36

I think sometimes people get married hoping that it will change things, and then it doesn't (or vice versa). Expectations not being met, basically.

NowWeAreSuckingDiesel Thu 16-May-19 19:09:53

Presumably they think that the relationship is feeling a bit flat... I know, let's get married! Oh shit, no, we hate each other. That was what it was. Crap.

10000thusername Thu 16-May-19 19:13:04

Me and my DH are childless ( we don't want kids for at least 4 years) been together almost 9 years, married almost 2. We waited because I was 19 when we got together and I didn't want to get married young. I feel like our marriage will last because we know each other so well. People who get married after a year or 2 Is too fast in my opinion.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 16-May-19 19:15:22

That’s me. It was an abuse situation which you say isn’t really what you’re talking about but no one knew what was going on and a lot still don’t do you never know what happens behind closed doors. To anyone he told I’d left him will have bought one of the many packs of complete lies he spun.

I was with my ex a lot longer before we married than after. Not long after he changed completely and it was the shame of bailing so relatively soon that kept me there as long.

category12 Thu 16-May-19 19:15:42

Personally I think it's because they get married as a sticking plaster - they've maybe come close to splitting before and fear of it drives them the opposite direction, (or they've fucked up like cheating or something) and they marry to prove themselves.

PicsInRed Thu 16-May-19 19:16:10

It doesn't have to be abuse, OP, he could just think "got her now", give up "trying" and start being a bit of a pill. But if you've been together a long time, the change will seem all the more marked. She may also be a bit older and less willing to put up with post-marriage nonsense.

Oilyskinproblems Thu 16-May-19 19:33:27

Me and dh we’re together 8 years before marriage and have been married 5 years - still going strong. All of my married friends were with their partners for a long time before getting married and they all seem to be going strong too. A friend of DBs got married after a year of meeting someone and they separated months in to the marriage though...

I don’t think there’s a pattern to how long before you get married. It’s all circumstantial

SignedUpJust4This Thu 16-May-19 19:37:45

What category 12 said. For some marriage is a last ditch attempt at saving a doomed relationship

Icandothisallday Thu 16-May-19 20:07:08

Usually either to try and save the relationship or because it's the done thing, or because one has issued an ultimatum. All are bad reasons to get married.

This is regarding ones that dont work. Obviously, some do.

Icandothisallday Thu 16-May-19 20:07:24

Usually either to try and save the relationship or because it's the done thing, or because one has issued an ultimatum. All are bad reasons to get married.

This is regarding ones that dont work.

Teddybear45 Thu 16-May-19 20:14:14

I think it’s more that they’ve spent all these years together but don’t really want to be, things get boring and stale, and nothing changes even after marriage. So people divorce. I knew someone who after 10 years umming and ahhing about a woman who he didn’t see a future with, then forcing himself to get engaged before leaving her for an OW and marrying OW within months. They are still together 5 years later and it’s a much healthier relationship.

Missbee90 Thu 16-May-19 20:46:29

Together 11 years and married a year when he came home and told me he didn’t love me anymore, that was a year ago and I’m finally coming out the other side.. that said I don’t think marriage ruined us.. I just don’t think he was mature enough to be an adult / a husband or a decent loving human being. Sad because I once thought he was the man of my dreams.

ConfCall Thu 16-May-19 20:52:14

We’d been together a long time and it seemed like the logical step (marriage) but I was not 100% sure. I went along with it, the kids were excited, friends and parents were pleased. What a mistake it was.

BlueJava Thu 16-May-19 21:04:25

I worry about this! We've been together just over 20 years but never married (neither of us wanted to), we have 2DS. However, recently we have said that it may give some peace of mind (e.g. we can speak for each other if one was ill, our property on death would automatically pass to the other). I just worry that although we've been together all this time and love each other and are happy we may split up if we marry.

Icandothisallday Thu 16-May-19 21:23:11

Marrying wont split you up.

I think it's people marry g for the wrong reasons, that leads to the split.

If it's a happy relationship, marriage wont change that. These relationships, most probably, werent great for both people before they got married.

SusieQwhereareyou Thu 16-May-19 21:56:32

Dp was with his ex for 8 years before they got married, had a lot happen in that time, bought house, had IVF, had twins - got married after the twins were born, were separated within 4 years. It was very much a this is what is expected of us marriage.

Scott72 Thu 16-May-19 22:53:43

You read here how so many women in LTRs long for marriage. That powerful desire and anticipation would add an edge of excitement and emotion to the relationship. Once marriage is achieved though that emotion is missing and the relationship now seems flat and dull in comparison, even if nothing has really changed.

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