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I'm not sure I love my husband anymore(13 Posts)
We have a 7 month old. I've been struggling with a lot of anger and sadness because I feel that DH is selfish and I'm not sure I love him anymore.
- DH has only had sporadic low-paid work for the last few years since being made redundant. He hasn't looked for work in any other industry since (and there are rarely jobs in his industry and it's very competitive), and I've been keeping us afloat working a full-time well-paid job that I loathe and he knows how much I hate it. For the year or so prior to me getting pregnant and during the pregnancy, he would spend 4 hours+ a day exercising, watching TV and doing housework badly. I had to do all the food shopping (he didn't think online shopping was sensible because the fruit and veg don't last long enough) and redo some of his badly done housework - eg he refused to use the dishwasher and would wash up by hand but everything would be left with bits of food stuck to it.
- I had HG during the pregnancy and he did look after me a bit but would still spend 4 hours a day exercising. I also feel he pressured me to walk to the shops later in the pregnancy when my HG was a bit improved to pick up stuff we needed whilst heavily pregnant and struggling to look at food. I had to set up online food shopping despite the fact that I could barely look at food because he wasn't doing it.
- Things got worse after the birth. I needed an EMCS and spent a few days in hospital. He was keen for me to come home and kept telling me how difficult it was to come to the hospital and back each day (it's about an hour each way by bus). But when I got back I was in tears because he had not got any food in the day before, refused to pop to the shops and get anything healthy because he wanted to go exercise and wanted to give me frozen nuggets and chips. I has been saying to him every day in the hospital about how amazing it felt to eat proper food again after the HG and much I loved broccoli and just is wanted to eat lots of nourishing foods. He also only had fun times looking after the baby, kept saying how much he hated changing nappies etc. and would make passive aggressive comments to the baby if he asked him to change a nappy occasionally ("Your Mummy thinks I should be changing your nappy for some reason").
- I said to DH that I needed some "me time" after a while, especially as he had 3 hours each day since the baby was born to go exercise. He also had lots of time when he couldn't help with the baby because he was always drinking tea/coffee or alcohol (I don't do either). He said that he could take our DS for a bit "if you want to go exercise". I couldn't exercise for 6 weeks after the EMCS. I said I just wanted some time by myself to relax and he said I should do it whilst looking after the baby. This argument continued on and off and he said that he could watch the baby whilst exercising which there's no way in hell would work and he would know that if he ever looked after the baby.
- We haven't had sex since the baby was born and have only been intimate in other ways twice. We're both tired and I know I've put on weight but I feel like we are drifting apart.
There's more but this is already turning into an essay. I just don't know what to do. He's supposed to be looking after DS when I go back to work and I'm worried about him still trying to fit all this stupid exercise in and not looking after him properly. I don't feel valued. I feel like the cash cow who goes out and works so he can do what he likes. He's been better recently looking after our son more but I'm so angry and disappointed I don't know what to do.
I should add the biggest problem is every time I try to bring this up with DH he gets defensive, self pitying ("I'm sorry I'm not as smart as you and don't have a job") and we're just not communicating properly so I don't see how we can fix this.
He sounds selfish, hopeless and lazy and you could never trust him to look after the baby properly if he thinks he can do it at the same time as exercising. You need a rethink about how it will work when you return to work.
I honestly just kind of wish I died on the table during the EMCS. DS is lovely but hard work and I just feel so let down by DH.
We've only been married for a few years but it just feels like it's all gone wrong already.
I used to love him so much and I still say "I love you" I don't know if I mean it anymore.
He's massively selfish and that's not going to change unfortunately. You've told him time and time again what it is that you and your dc need but he has chosen to ignore this as he feels he comes first.
Personally I'd kick him to the curb. You're doing everything yourself anyway so it wouldn't be any different with him gone. The only difference is that you'd be happier without someone there to make you feel shit.
Dear lord he sounds AWFUL.
How have you put up with this lazy, condescending piece of shit for so long?
Get rid pronto. You'll probably find it much easier to look after DS without having to look after your manchild too.
Sounds like you have two babies to be honest. He sounds useless and selfish. Honestly I think you will find this easier without trying to cope with him as well, he really does sound awful. You appear to be doing everything yourself anyway, I suspect you will have less to battle with without him.
Allow yourself to find someone who appreciates you and DC.
Life is massively easier as a single parent, from my experience. Currently you are carrying dead weight - he is making your life harder rather than easier, and when there's only you, there's no-one to feel resentful about.
If you want to, give him an ultimatum - he makes your life easier than being without him, or you will be without him.
You'd be perfectly justified in just leaving (or getting him to leave) given what you have said.
whether you are religious or not, the Bible's warning about avoiding being 'unequally shackled' is so true - it always destroys both parties. You are unequally shackled. Ditching him is what is best for you both, unless he can begin taking his full share of load.
Having a baby can test the best of relationships but he sounds like he was lazy and selfish before, during and after. What real life support do you have? I would let him watch the baby. His know it all attitude having spent zero time caring for DS would not only drive me mad, I cant see it being anything other than detrimental to DS. You dont need this loser and would clearly be much better off alone. My tough pregnancy and traumatic birth showed me how selfish and uncompassionate my DH can be but now DD is 9 months we are slowly rebuilding our relationship. I have made it clear that we do not need him so if he can't shape up he can ship out back to mummies.
That should say I wouldn't let him watch the baby
Hi op I just wanted to give my friendly opinion,it sounds like there is a bit of resentment towards your husband with the choices he makes...his job,amount he exercises etc these can be little niggles originally but after having a baby the little things become the big things! we would all like to get out of nappy changing but it has to be done! some men also find it hard to know what to do as new fathers,my husband definitely improved as the babies became a bit older and could interact more lol maybe now you've both got a child together you need to have a sit down and discuss how the dynamics are changing as a family of 3 and how he can help you more and both set aside 'me and us time' so you get your own time to relax and he can choose to exercise in his time if he chooses and you might both be happier for it? having a baby puts an awful lot of pressure on a couple and makes us question and over analise all sorts of things but try and stick it out op and remember the reasons why you got together in the 1st place,maybe a date night to find the intimacy again as that can affect things too,good luck and hope things improve for you all xxx
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