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Married woman - massive crush, now heartbroken(24 Posts)
NC for this. I have developed a massive crush, and I don’t know how to manage the disappointment/sadness I feel.
I am a 34 year old woman and I have been (happily) married for 4 years, but unfortunately the last 3 or so years have been completely sexless. I don’t know why or what caused this and am so ashamed (I haven’t told anyone about this, even my best friend). I feel so sad about this, but my sexual attraction to my husband has waned. He is my best friend, and I think he is the sweetest, nicest, best person, the man I want to be the father of my children - but I don’t feel passion for him in a physical way. We do absolutely everything together - even commuting to and from work together, messaging each other constantly.
When I masturbate or fantasise, it is never thinking of him. This breaks my heart because I adore him and I want us to be together.
This is a horrible cliche, but we have recently had some minor building working done at our home. I have developed an all-consuming crush on our builder - he is absolutely lovely, so polite and physically beautiful - so nice to chat to and a really interesting person. He was so kind and made an effort to talk to me and was just wonderful - I was fizzing with excitement, looking forward to each day I would see him. I have made the terrible mistake of looking him up on social media and this has just deepened my crush. He lives locally to me, and we have some shared interests.
Now the building work has finished, I’m unlikely to see him again but I feel absolutely bereft! I feel like I did when I was single and dating, and a relationship did not work out. I keep imagining myself being single and how I would have been able to interact with him, imagining us going on dates, kissing him and being together. I feel so, so sad that I will not see him again. If I honestly had my chance I would have kissed him, slept with him, tried to see him again.
I am also so sad because (rather embarrassingly) I was working from home yesterday, and hoped that I would be able to say goodbye to him on my own and enjoy his company alone for one last time. But my husband finished work early, and joined me - meaning that our builder chatted to both of us and it was all very professional, rather than relaxed and friendly.
I know that my experience won’t be the same as his - he probably just sees me as another (and probably not very valued) customer. He never gave any impression of wanting a friendship or anything further.
I know how childish this post is, and no doubt everyone will tell me to get over it and stop being so awful to my lovely husband, but how can I stop feeling so sad? I’m just so down, thinking about him and this is manifesting in trouble sleeping, being distracted at work and even wanting to hurt myself (I self-harmed as a teenager and occasionally in my 20s when feeling stressed). How can I get over this because my heart is breaking.
OP you need to leave your marriage. It's that's simple (obviously not the process but the solution) ... you've openly admitted that given the opportunity you would cheat on your DH, you're not physically attracted to DH ... How does he feel about the no sex issue? ... How would you feel knowing he has developed feelings for someone elsewhere? ... To feel so hurt about a man you don't even know whilst married speaks volumes! ... For your own happiness you need to leave.
As someone who left a long-standing marriage due to feeling like a sister rather than a sexual being, I totally get where you are coming form. but this guy is a wake-up call, not The One.
At 3 years in, I think you can still salvage this. You have to quickly reclaim the mystique you once had with eachother. Take different routes/time to work. Stop texting during the day. Give yourself time to miss eachother.
Do the cheesy date nights where you sit at a bar and meet as though you never met before.
Seek sex therapy if needed.
It's not too late for you - but it could be soon.
You’re username says it all, why leave a cruel comment ? Why go to that effort ?
Just because this hasn’t happened to you doesn’t mean it’s not worthy of having some advice for. You not being willing to empathise or want to help another human being from something that is clearly upsetting her doesn’t allow you to be a cunt about it.
I hope whatever is going wrong in your life to make you so mean is dealt with soon, and you can be happy with yourself.
OP - as you were. Sorry this is happening to you. I hope you get some lovely responses x
@ChristmasFluff - that's exactly how I feel, a sister. We go on lovely dates together, are affectionate and hold hands, hug each other all the time, snuggle up in bed. But we don't even kiss properly (my DH hates French kissing). I once angrily blew up and said I felt more like his room-mate than his wife - that hurt his feelings but nothing changed. I do need to fix this, and you are probably right about us needing a chance to miss each other x
I think you will find the crush thing is more normal than you think OP!
No you don't need to leave your marriage!
Your marriage sounds like a great partnership and I wouldn't let that slip away without a fight.
Agree this builder crush is just a phase.
Talk to your husband gently but honestly and let him know how you feel and if he isn't responding then I think you should be prepared to show him how serious things are i.e. tell him that you have started to have feelings about another man...
He is your life partner so you need to deal with your problems as a team. If he just brushes it aside again and/or stonewalls communication then... not good.
Falling in love is a feeling but love (the thing that takes your marriage through the decades and everything life throws at it) is a choice. You will fall out of love over a long marriage but you fall back in again. You both change over a lifetime and marriage needs to be flexible.
Ask him how he thinks your marriage is doing? What he says might surprise you if you're both skirting round the issues... Has he changed physically/ have you? (Weight on/off can be confidence changing and men are quiet about that but they can feel it too.)
Perhaps you will need the help of a therapist/counsellor person but again you might well get there by yourselves. There are so many books that help such as Five Languages of Love and I think it will all fall into place for you. Life is always full of learning and marriage is a wonderful investment but it does take work.
Be brave! But I think you've got something worth saving. Crushes are normal we've all been there especially in the early years! Just don't ignore it - if you do then nothing will change. (And the postman will be next )
Thank you @milksoffagain - I really appreciate that. I did get a bit tearful on the train home and basically explained I wasn't entirely happy and why. He has brushed it under the carpet again - he just doesn't want to engage and thinks everything is fine.
I need to try again with him.
And I need to stop thinking about this other man, who has somehow gotten under my skin and made me so fixated. I've never had these thoughts about another person before, since I got married.
Thank you @NamelessGem - you are so kind. I am so embarrassed about how miserable I am, and the shortcomings in my marriage.
I keep living on tenterhooks, hoping that he will email (why would he do that?) or that somehow he gets in touch. I am a pathetic shambles.
Is the builder single?
My feeling is that if you have stopped being sexually attracted to your husband, it will be a struggle to rekindle things and would advise you to seriously consider if you would risk settling for a friendship and potentially no children.
The problem is, the longer it goes on, the weirder it feels so if you DO want to fix it, do it soon.
Your DH will need to play ball. You won't be able to fix your marriage by yourself. It would be useful for you to know why he's happy with no sex (health issues/asexuality/etc) because that will point you in the direction of fixing or ending your relationship as the case may be.
Also, crushes are completely normal. In s healthy relationship all that extra sexual energy can be put to use. ;)
You both seem timid and nervous about the subject of sex. I get the impression you are both so embarrassed you can barely discuss it. Yet you stopped having sex completely one year into the marriage, without good reason. Most marriages would have broken up over that before now. Maybe you both naturally have low libidos. His though is lower, in fact apparently almost nonexistent.
Stay away from this man and put your energy into other fulfilling things that build you up as a person. Keep him in a drawer in your mind to have a little fantasy about but nothing more.
This kind of crush is perfectly normal at the best of times and esp in your current situation . There is no accounting for when we feel a "spark" for someone BUT if in a committed relationship we do not act on it .Don't beat yourself up about it though BUT you do need to do something about your lack of sex . It will kill your marriage.
You have a gap in your life at the moment - a lack of sex, intimacy and closeness. And it’s not surprising that you’re thus projecting your desires onto the next attractive male that happens to be in the vicinity often. If it wasn’t him, it would likely be someone else so don’t mistake this for a specific infatuation.
The solution here is to try and rekindle that intimacy with your husband. I know it’s not quite as easy as that . . . But then again, who should it be difficult? He’s your husband. All it takes is for one of you to initiate things to get out of this loop you’re caught in.
Why not get into bed tonight, kiss him and see where things go? The
You’re H is the problem here. You’ve tried to tell him you are unhappy and he’s completely ignoring you. That’s not a kind way to behave towards someone you are sharing your life with.
Tell him how serious you are. That if he doesn’t start talking to you, then you must go to couples counselling.
If he refuses to do anything about this then you have your answer. He doesn’t care enough about you and you should separate.
@DoctorManhattan - I think it's got to the point that too much time has passed that we're both a bit embarrassed about the situation if that makes sense?
Also, and this is my fault, I feel like we fell in love in a really gentle way. There was never any grand passion and I never felt a mad sexual desire for him (like a desperate physical attraction or need) - it was much more that he was just the loveliest, kindest man I had ever met (and still is).
I probably have deeper rooted issues which led me to this (my father was violent to my mother and us, so I think I have always been inherently fearful of men - but that's another thread...!).
Tell him it is safe for him to tell you anything but that he will lose you if he won't engage with you at all. That burying his head in the sand isn't going to make your problems magically disappear, and your marriage is under real threat right now.
So sorry, I do feel for you x
There was never any grand passion and I never felt a mad sexual desire for him (like a desperate physical attraction or need) - it was much more that he was just the loveliest, kindest man I had ever met (and still is).
OP I'm sorry, this is a shitty situation and I don't think you are ever going to have a good sex life with your husband. He may be gay or asexual - but regardless of that, the total lack of sexual chemistry between you from the start is a disaster.
I have had two rocky marriages, but both of them held together for a long time because of the intense mutual sexual passion that started at the beginning and then carried us through.
If you had previously had a great sex life but it had gone off the rails recently, I think you could work to get it back - but if you've never really wanted to tear each other's clothes off, I don't think there is anything there to work with.
Like you say, you are like sister and brother. I'm so sorry. You are not a bad person for having this crush.
I'm going to go against the grain here. You don't fancy your husband and you are already fancying other men. Why on earth would you think this is heading for anything other than disaster long term?
You are like best friends? Great. Do yourselves a favour then and divorce and remain best friends. If you have such a close relationship, talk and allow yourselves to admit to each other that that spark just isn't there. You cannot bring kids into this situation. Because whether it's a year from now or ten, one of you will stray and then there will be no friendship left because of the betrayal. And the kids will suffer.
Even if no cheating occurs, you will grow to resent him or vice versa for keeping you from anyone you do develop chemistry with. Talk it out, get a divorce, save the friendship. Because otherwise, it's all down hill from here.
Having read your update, I think you might as well call time on this.
He sat and listened to you, saw you crying, then shut you down. He doesn't think everything is fine, because you have clearly communicated to him that it isn't. He just finds things comfortable as they are and doesn't care that you are so sad you were crying.
He's not as nice as you think.
Totally agree with what Teaforthewin said. Life's too short. You both deserve the chance to be happy with others and betrayal where kids are involved is heartbreaking x
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