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he chooses his friends over me...

(10 Posts)
Rockbottom11 Thu 16-May-19 12:27:52

Hello all, I need some advice or opinions please. My bf goes rowing for hours upto 6 days a week. Hes talking rowing and texting rowing when hes not with his rowing mates. He is on call to his rowing mates 24/7 and it makes me feel fed up. I told him last night that i feel like in just in the way and im a housekeeper and not much more. He said that if he had to chose between his rowing mates( he has dozens of them) or me, he would pick them. It really upset me , usually I would have packed my bag and gone. Now im older, Im ill and if i leave my option is to be a skint old lady in a bedsit who wouldnt be found for days if I snuffed it ( I have seizures) hes sending i love you texts , youre beautiful texts and he wants to take me out... i feel so sad and just dont know what to do...

cranstonmanor Thu 16-May-19 12:37:02

if i leave my option is to be a skint old lady in a bedsit who wouldnt be found for days
Thats actually quite rare to happen plus that it shouldn't be a reason for you to stay in a relationship.

Hiw old are you? Do you have a job? Do you have a social life? I don't think it's healthy to keep waiting so much. This level of contact is not making you happy. Why are you staying?

LemonTT Thu 16-May-19 12:45:36

You know you can’t stay with someone because you are scared to be on your own.

That being said there is an anomaly between his statement last night and his texts today. When he made the choice statement were you both arguing and angry? It does not mean he didn’t speak the truth but a stand alone statement without context could mean anything.

A lot of people if given an ultimatum, me or your rowing, would react to the ultimatum rather than consider the choice. It is not clear if he does spend time with you. Does he work and do you work?

It’s the hobby not the friends that attract him. He is probably addicted in some way. You need good long discussion about how he really feels. Then you need to decide if you can tolerate such long absence.
Either way why are you doing housework when he is hobbying. Find your own interests if you stay with him

crappyday2018 Thu 16-May-19 12:46:42

So you would rather stay with someone who does not value you incase you die alone! I think I'd rather die alone thanks. And you are looking at the absolute worst case scenario here.
Dump him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 16-May-19 14:32:37

Sorry but he's made it clear. Please don't stick around for that rubbish. You're worth more than that.

You won't end up a skint old lady in a bedsit. You can make your own life without him.

PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic Thu 16-May-19 14:42:52

He said that if he had to chose between his rowing mates( he has dozens of them) or me, he would pick them

This is not a kind thing to say whether he means it or not.
If he does mean it, he's telling you that you are low priority to him. Not even on the same level.

This will make you feel shit about yourself and its no wonder you have the user name you have.

I think if you screw up your courage and leave, in the long run you will be much happier.

aatwi Thu 16-May-19 14:43:55

Did he mean it or was he fed up about you suggesting that he shouldn't be spending time doing his sport? I would suggest looking into finding your own activity that you like as much as he likes his rowing. Having activities outside of a relationship is important for the people and the relationship. Perhaps you would resent his less if you had your own.

I do a competitive sport that takes a lot of training to maintain the level of fitness and ability required to do it well. It is what keeps me healthy and happy, and yes, provides me with a social life. If I was with someone who didn't accept it I would find it very hard to not have the same feelings as your husband because I would feel lost without the sport and have no friends. That's not healthy in a relationship. People should be free to have their own lives too.

NameChangeNugget Thu 16-May-19 14:45:08

He’s been honest, open and direct.

Only you can decide what you do with this.

ChristmasFluff Thu 16-May-19 16:03:41

I could quite easily end up as a skint old lady in a bedsit (well, actually my own house, but hey). I am 54, single, love it. I'm having a great life, only clean for me and my boy, see men on my terms not theirs - if at all.

I could be like my miserable mates in relationships that are variants of yours. I could be my own mother, who was married for over 50 years, and died in a nursing home with only staff present.

Stop thinking of how you might die, and start wondering about the best way to live. Coming second is no way to live.

Bananalanacake Thu 16-May-19 16:35:39

can't you live apart but still see each other when you are both free.

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