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Looks like my marriage is over

(29 Posts)
soitsallover Thu 16-May-19 10:53:56

I'm not sure why I'm posting here or why I've name changed - I don't post often anwyay. However, I have no one to talk to IRL so I guess I need to get it all off my chest.

Things haven't been great between us since we had children (7 and 3 years ago). I don't think he could get his head round that he wasn't my first priority anymore and I know he resents that.

After reading a lot of relationship threads, I realise now that he's been sporadically abusive over the 23 years we've been together.

We've had a few BIG rows over the years. Mostly shouting, occasionally physical. 3 years ago, he pinned me up against the door by my throat. I should have left then.

Every time we have a big row he threatens to leave me and calls me all sorts of names and tells me I'm just like my "fucking mother" which he knows I hate because she's pretty toxic and I'm nothing like her.
I used to get upset, I used to agree to try harder (mainly with sex as I'm really not interested) as long as he tried too (he's lazy). He'll be helpful for a week and then go back to how he was. He's only helpful on a day he wants sex.

Last night we had another row and he told me I was a fucking twat etc etc and then said he's not prepared to live like this anymore and he's going to leave me.
I said OK.

We then had a bit of a conversation about the practicalities of leaving eg selling stuff we can't afford, selling the house etc and I was very matter of fact and not upset at all.
I think it threw him completely. He wasn't expecting it.

So after all the crap, I'm going to go through with it. I hope I'm strong enough. The children will be devastated and that's my biggest worry. They think the world of him. I know he'll change his mind not because he loves me - more that he'll struggle to function without me and he'll realise how much I actually do for him to make his life run smoothly.

Phew - that's much longer that I thought! Feels good to share and I'm actually feeling quite relieved and still not feeling upset or unhappy.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far. If anyone has any practical advice that's be really useful.
And the children will get over it won't they?

DelphicOracle Mon 20-May-19 11:47:42

Wow..... Op you are 100% doing the right thing. If anyone ever said to me in front of OUR child "to get the fuck out of my fucking house you cunt - DS your mums a twat", they would never darken my door again. I cant begin to imagine how damaging that it to a child to hear their mother talked about that way. And then see their dad being sweetness and light to everyone else.... absolutley terrible behaviour. He should be very ashamed of himself. He shouldnt have apologised to just you this AM - I hope most sincerly he apologised to your son for speaking about you in such a vile manner.

Carry on in your course of action OP... what an arse he is.!

soitsallover Mon 20-May-19 13:09:54

@Delphic yes he did apologise to our son. I didn't hear what was said but DS told me the following day that dad had said sorry and that he was wrong and it wouldn't happen again apparently.
DS seemed happy with that and seems very settled about the whole thing. Which is good.

But I'm not giving him the opportunity to do it again. Because I know he will. Might not be for another year if I stayed, but I know it would happen and my children are not going to live like that.
Me - that was a different matter and I never really realised how bad things are until I've looked back if I'm honest. But this was the breaking point and the wake up point.

I feel ashamed that I didn't do this 3 years ago when he attacked me. However, regret and hindsight are not going to help me, moving forward will.

billy1966 Mon 20-May-19 13:18:39

You are doing it now and that is what matters. He sounds truly awful.
You will be much happier and your children will see that.
You sound strong and a wonderful mother.
Your children are very lucky to have you.
Best of luck.

fghkhfdryjkv Mon 20-May-19 13:25:15

Op I'm very glad you've decided to leave him. Be very careful though as a man who touches your throat is a dangerous guy. If he knows you're really pushing forward with splitting up he may get nasty. I really encourage you to get some advice from women's aid on how to separate safely.

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