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Looks like my marriage is over

(29 Posts)
soitsallover Thu 16-May-19 10:53:56

I'm not sure why I'm posting here or why I've name changed - I don't post often anwyay. However, I have no one to talk to IRL so I guess I need to get it all off my chest.

Things haven't been great between us since we had children (7 and 3 years ago). I don't think he could get his head round that he wasn't my first priority anymore and I know he resents that.

After reading a lot of relationship threads, I realise now that he's been sporadically abusive over the 23 years we've been together.

We've had a few BIG rows over the years. Mostly shouting, occasionally physical. 3 years ago, he pinned me up against the door by my throat. I should have left then.

Every time we have a big row he threatens to leave me and calls me all sorts of names and tells me I'm just like my "fucking mother" which he knows I hate because she's pretty toxic and I'm nothing like her.
I used to get upset, I used to agree to try harder (mainly with sex as I'm really not interested) as long as he tried too (he's lazy). He'll be helpful for a week and then go back to how he was. He's only helpful on a day he wants sex.

Last night we had another row and he told me I was a fucking twat etc etc and then said he's not prepared to live like this anymore and he's going to leave me.
I said OK.

We then had a bit of a conversation about the practicalities of leaving eg selling stuff we can't afford, selling the house etc and I was very matter of fact and not upset at all.
I think it threw him completely. He wasn't expecting it.

So after all the crap, I'm going to go through with it. I hope I'm strong enough. The children will be devastated and that's my biggest worry. They think the world of him. I know he'll change his mind not because he loves me - more that he'll struggle to function without me and he'll realise how much I actually do for him to make his life run smoothly.

Phew - that's much longer that I thought! Feels good to share and I'm actually feeling quite relieved and still not feeling upset or unhappy.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far. If anyone has any practical advice that's be really useful.
And the children will get over it won't they?

ReganSomerset Thu 16-May-19 10:58:44

You're doing the right thing, OP. The kids will adapt- no, it's not ideal from their point of view but their mother being pinned to the wall by her throat and listening to these big rows is far more damaging. There'll be an unsettled period for all of you, but reassure them that they are your number one priority and they'll be fine.

Rainbowqueeen Thu 16-May-19 10:58:56

The children will be fine. It sounds like they have 2 parents who love them, even if one is a lazy twat. They won’t be fine if you stay together and they witness his behaviour to you
Work out a contact schedule, give lots of cuddles and reassurance and they will adapt
Don’t doubt yourself you are doing the right thing

And also don’t forget to look after yourself too.

Crazyladee Thu 16-May-19 11:01:24

Yes of course they will. They will probably thank you for it as it sounds like a horrible toxic environment for them as well as you. You are absolutely doing the right thing. flowers

ReganSomerset Thu 16-May-19 11:01:27

Maybe see if your local library has any of these that you can read with your kids to help start the conversation:

beanstalkmums.com.au/childrens-books-divorce-separation/

Weenurse Thu 16-May-19 11:03:26

Well done in realising that you can’t continue as you are.
The DC will cope if you do.
Good luck 💐

ReganSomerset Thu 16-May-19 11:06:58

This one looks very good too:

www.booktrust.org.uk/book/m/my-familys-changing/

Thousands of children live very happy lives with separated parents. Don't worry, OP.

NotStayingIn Thu 16-May-19 11:24:18

The children will pick up on your husbands abusive behaviour towards you more and more and that would be more damaging in the long run. You deserve a great happy life, I think you are doing the right thing for everyone involved. Good luck with the future!

WhoKnewBeefStew Thu 16-May-19 11:27:21

Sounds like you’re so much better off without him. You may even find the sadness doesn’t come and it’s inky relief

Notjudesmum Thu 16-May-19 11:30:30

The children will be happier if you’re happier. Trust me, as a child that grew up with parents that obviously didn’t want to be together, it was a relief when they separated.
It won’t be easy, but like they say, nothing worth it ever is. Stick to your decision and don’t ever feel guilty for choosing the life you want x

BurpingFrog Thu 16-May-19 11:47:05

OP, you're doing so well and you're absolutely doing the right thing.

Your children will be fine. Really. You are doing the right thing by them, in fact, by leaving. Safeguarding training teaches that children who witness abuse of any kind in the home are also effectively being abused themselves.

By splitting up, you're stopping that in its tracks because they would pick up on things even without you knowing.

In time, you may find on reflection that even more of his behaviour was abusive than you thought at the time. Even things like not coming to terms with the fact you prioritised your children over him; from my outside perspective, I find it grim that he would think like that rather than completely agreeing with you that the children would be your joint first priority.

Although the Freedom Programme is quite dated, it's a course you can do online if you want to help you come to terms with and recognise abuse as well as to help re-set your life. There may be local charity or council run courses too, such as the Recovery Toolkit.

Again, I admire you and you are doing very well, OP.

BurpingFrog Thu 16-May-19 11:49:56

PS the Freedom Programme is also available in person. I meant that if an in person course wouldn't work for you, that's one you can do online too.

TheEntertainerr Thu 16-May-19 12:22:18

It's definitely better for the children and they will adapt. Growing up in a hostile environment and witnessing physical/verbal abuse would be far more damaging. I've been separated for nearly a year and DD(3) is coping okay, she sometimes needs a bit of extra reassurance. I think keeping it as amicable as possible for the children's eyes is key. Children aren't stupid and will see your husband for what he is (lazy), eventually.

But you need to be proactive and practical to get ahead of the situation ASAP.

- Copies of any legal documents
- Login details, passwords to all financial assets (current/savings
accounts, stocks/shares investments, pensions etc)
- Evidence of all assets currently held and their current value/position
- Employment contracts for proof of salary or accounts if self-employed
- Photos of anything of value in the house
-See if there are restrictions that you can place on joint accounts to prevent him clearing them out

Pre-empt his likely actions. From your description, I assume that he will want you to come out of this badly both financially and mentally. Financially, this would be him hiding income and assets. Mentally it could be access/residency with the children.

Get legal advice. If you can't afford it, try to get legal aid if it's available.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 16-May-19 16:10:33

You are definitely doing the right thing.

The children will be devastated

They will be fine. In fact, not having to witness you two shouting at each other and him pinning you up by your throat, they'll probably be relieved.

You can do this. Feel free to rant on here if he starts turning nasty.

soitsallover Fri 17-May-19 09:15:57

Wow - thank you all so much for your kind words. This has actually made me want to cry and I think it's out of relief. That I can actually tell someone and you believe me. I don't think anyone IRL would.

Everyone thinks we have a great relationship. He's so nice to people and so helpful and nothing is too much trouble. Everyone also thinks he's an amazing dad.
But he isn't any of those things. He's a great actor when people are looking. Yes the kids adore him. But he has a cruel streak he showed to the 7yr old which sparked the row the other night.
All I can think is that it's only a matter of time before he escalates and takes things out on the kids and that's why I'm determined to get out for them. I don't want to grow up thinking this is normal.

He told me this morning that I'm the best thing that every happened to him, he doesn't want a divorce and he didn't mean a single word of what he said and he loves me with all his heart.
If any of this was true he wouldn't have shouted "Get your stuff you fucking cunt and get the fuck out of my house. DS1 - your mother is a twat""
Who does that in front of a 7 year old? Who the fuck does that?

It's not his house, it's ours and I can't afford to buy him out. So I've been looking for properties to buy or rent in the area. I have to apply for school in November for my youngest so I need to stay in catchment so he can go to school with DS1.

But I'm making plans, proper plans, and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by being able to share.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my original post and bother replying, you have no idea how much it means. I see threads on here and people who are in much more horrendous circumstances than mine and I felt a bit of a fraud almost for posting. But I couldn't keep it in anymore.

Thank you

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 17-May-19 11:55:14

Please don't feel like a fraud. It sounds as though you have made a brave decision. And it won't be easy to see it through. But I totally agree that you can't stay with someone who calls you that in the first place, let alone in front of your child.

Keep strong, keep making plans and keep talking to us.

Decormad38 Fri 17-May-19 11:59:42

You sound like his knocked your self esteem if you also didn’t think anyone here would read your post or believe it. Get out of that abusive relationship.

1WayOrAnother Fri 17-May-19 12:04:33

Oh good luck OP. You're obviously doing the right thing. It's difficult at times being on your own but much better than suffering abuse and trying to pretend everything is ok. You're right, your kids shouldn't see his behaviour as normal or acceptable. Im now 15 months in to my new single life after similar issues. There are days when it's really difficult, but even on those days I have no regrets about splitting up. My advice to you is- Get support from family & friends. Don't slag him off to your kids no matter how difficult he is. Concentrate on your own and your children's wellbeing. Dont join in with the games he will inevitably play. And get legal advice. Oh and remember to be kind to yourself. You will get through this.

soitsallover Mon 20-May-19 10:55:19

Thanks again everyone.

@IWay I feel like a single parent most of the time anyway, and the odd time he is useful I can work around that. I think it will be a small price to pay for being happy.

I've been feeling quite positive this weekend and it's down to this thread affirming that it is a bad situation, I'm not over-reacting and I can do this.

I think that was my biggest thing - that I was over-reacting. I've been told it enough times over the years. But when he brought DS7 into it and flying off the handle in front of him that was the "This is not OK" moment for me. My kids deserve better than that.

I don't have any practical support IRL. My family are a nightmare and I am low contact with them. My sis is lovely, but lives the other side of the world and I don't want to burden her - she has her own issues. All our friends are joint friends and I don't think they would have any loyalty to me - they all love him. But long term that's not a bad thing. I need to start MY life with MY children and that's all that matters now.

I know there are people out there all on their own that do this. I'm determined that I can too.

I've started getting everything together and sorting through things.

Just to be able to write it down and have you lovely lot agree that it's the right thing to do makes me feel so much better.

Windmillwhirl Mon 20-May-19 11:04:46

Absolutely doing the right thing. He has s a horrible, abusive prick. You aren't on this earth to settle for this.

Look forward to much brighter daysflowers

HypatiaCade Mon 20-May-19 11:06:22

You know what? You are the best thing that ever happened to him. And he was an arsehole and not only treated you badly, but abused you as well. He doesn't deserve someone as good as you, and you deserve soooo much better than him.

flowers

notapizzaeater Mon 20-May-19 11:11:52

Good for you, he Will ramp up now he's realising that you mean it.

MrsMozartMkII Mon 20-May-19 11:22:50

Everyone has a 'moment' when it's just not acceptable any more.

You're doing the right thing for your family. When my sister told me our parents were splitting up my first thought was "Great! They won't argue and fight and more" and that was a ten year old's view on it. My Dad was very charismatic and people tended to really like and think highly of him, but he did have an unpleasant streak and that wasn't missed by any of us. We continued to have a relationship and were still in touch until he died an old man a few years ago. I was his favourite and it was hard, but it was still better that they split, even though we went from appearing well off to really not being and my mum working her arse off to keep everything together.

DottieLottie1 Mon 20-May-19 11:23:53

You need to see a solicitor. You won't necessarily have to sell the house at this stage.

gamedout Mon 20-May-19 11:45:01

Go see a solicitor. If you are primary carer, you won’t have to necessarily move out. Get informed. Stick to your guns and keep us updated on how you are getting on

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