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something is wrong and i dont know what to do next (this may get long and complicated- sorry)

(125 Posts)
worriedwife Thu 19-Jul-07 12:12:12

hi, i am a regular who has changed names for obv reasons

dh and i have been married for 7 yrs and have 3 young children. in the past he has been unfaithful to me (as in he slept with someone else) , we stayed together as it seemed really out of character and in part i kind of blamed myself a bit as i hadnt wanted to have sex for literally ages (2nd child was 4 months old at the time it happened but i didnt find out til about 6 months later).

anyway, just got back from family holiday last week, i had thought that things were going ok , we had had a nice time, he suddenly announces that he has to go back to work a few days earlier than planned as a big job has come in and he needs to see to it. so last night, he was going to be working late, he is normally back 6.30 ish to put kids to bed but i wasnt expecting him til about 10. anyway, at 6.30, he rang me while i was bathing the kids. nothing strange there. then i put kids to bed, did dishes etc and then decided to do 1471 to check that noone else had called me while i was sorting the kids out (as was waiting for a call from my brother). anyway, it was the call dh had made to me, except it wasnt his work number, it was completely different (but still a local number). this is now an hour or so after he called me from it. so i summoned up the courage and rang the number and a woman answered. i made an excuse about having a wrong number and rang off. so then, i decided to call dh at his work and he was there so that was an hour and a quarter after he had phoned me seemingly from this womans number.

so i was going to confront him last night, spent whole evening feeling a horrible sick feeling and later on that evening i casually mentioned that i had done 14713 thinking it was my brother and got straight through to a girl who didnt know what i was talking about. he was flippant about it and wandered off. later i scribbled down the number and showed him and asked if he recognised the number as it was really bugging me who it couldve been. he barely glanced at it and just said no stright away. so i then put the number in my bag. this morning it is gone. he also has taken to hiding away his mobile phone when he always used to leave it out in the same place.

so now obv am feeling really shitty and dont know what to do next. how can i approach him about it? becausce whether theres something going on or not his answer is likely to be the same. and dont want to come over all bunny boilerish if nothing is going on. just have this bad feeling i cant shake off. i would rather know obv one way or the other. do you think iam reading too much into this or would you be suspicious too? god, i just feel sick. any advice gratefully receieved.

ConnorTraceptive Thu 19-Jul-07 12:15:37

do you remember the number?

ring again and ask to speak to your dh and see what response you get.

I think you are entitled to some reasonable answers here and if he has nothing to hide he should have no problem giving them.

worriedwife Thu 19-Jul-07 12:16:34

yes i still have the number. it is etched in my memory now. i'm too scared to call. am such a coward.

NotQuiteCockney Thu 19-Jul-07 12:17:55

Was he repentant about sleeping with someone else? It isn't actually ok to go sleep with someone else just because your partner doesn't want to have sex, you know.

I would totally be suspicious. (How did you find out last time?)

ConnorTraceptive Thu 19-Jul-07 12:18:05

but wouldn't you rather know?

You must be feeling sick with worry as it is?

Howdydoody Thu 19-Jul-07 12:21:12

Could you get a man to call the number and ask for dh, just to see what is said? If you or a woman friend do it you may not get anywhere

singingmum Thu 19-Jul-07 12:21:44

Obv something is not right as he took the number from your bag and is hiding his mobile.Ask him outright and tell him that you want the truth.This is not being bunny boilerish but being a v.upset and confused woman who's partner is hurting her.This is allowed.
If you don't want to do this phone the woman and ask her name and if she knows your dh.
You need to know or this will drive you crazy

Tortington Thu 19-Jul-07 12:23:34

sounds very fishy to me - is not just the phone call , its the response from the woman, the magically diapearring piece of paper and the hiding of the mobile phone and the going to work early.

if i was you i would be making my escape. thinking about finances. planning and even hiding away money.

thinking about housing and all the practicalities.

THEN AND ONLY THEN - confromt him and if it get to the point where there is a break up - you won't be left with 3 kids up sjit street.

you will have everything sorted.

get a file together on the computer of numbers you will need.
even things like - who pays the direct debits etc.

presuming you dont want to go to councelling?

i wouldnt - but if your prepared to let him shag around twice - then councelling is an option as well.

gomez Thu 19-Jul-07 12:24:36

My first thought is - could the number you got from 1471 actually have called after your husband, whilst you were busy with the kids - i.e. they dialled a wrong number (yours) and it had nothing to do with your husband?

TootyFrooty Thu 19-Jul-07 12:27:10

I'm with custy. It sounds very very dodgy. I decided years ago (after awful xp did the dirty on me) that I would never trust a man who hid his mobile phone.

mylittlestar Thu 19-Jul-07 12:28:05

It doesn't sound good tbh.

You should follow your instincts.

I'd ring the number again and ask for him.

She'll probably know by now what's happened as he will have told her, so she'll either lie to cover for him, or be so angry that she'll spill the beans. It's worth a try though.

I wouldn't let this drop he can't get away with it twice

Fireflyfairy2 Thu 19-Jul-07 12:33:06

Call the number & say

"Hi, I was out yesterday & have a missed call from that number, who is it please?"

Very direct & to the point. Some people won't have time to think of an answer & tell you who they are..

Or else I would do as suggested above, get a man to call the number.

What type of work does your dh do? Is there any way that he could have used a clients phone to call you from?

I have to say he sounds like an arse if he went into your handbag to remove a phone number!

worriedwife Thu 19-Jul-07 12:34:10

wow, thanks for all your replies.

right, after the first (and only pray to god) time, i found out because i opened the door to a very angry man who it transpired was the womans boyfriend. he asked to speak to dh and then spoke to him and then dh was forced into telling me what had been going on as i had opened the door. i doubt i would know to thiss day if that hadnt happened. he was remorseful afterwards and ialways thought up to that point i would leave if something like that happened.

we have done counselling before, i didnt find it esp helpful and tbh if he has done it again, or perhaps even thinking about it, he would be out the door. he prob is aware of this.

i have always worried what i would do financially without him, he earns a good salary and i have no real life work exp, he pays all the bills, almost everything is in his name. i dont even know how i would pay the mortgage without him. but dont worry i am def not going to stay with him for the money (the amount he actually gives to me is pitiful anyway but thats on top of the bills etc.

the number was def the one he called from, i was very near to the phone, i think it may have been in the bathroom with me after he called so i have no doubt it was him at her place. but why call me from there? why did he go back to the office?

worriedwife Thu 19-Jul-07 12:36:50

btw i am weirdly pleased (thats not the right word but cant think what is iyswim) that you all agree with me and think its suspicious. was thinking i was going mad and making something of nothing

Fireflyfairy2 Thu 19-Jul-07 12:37:21

Reassured. That's the word

Tortington Thu 19-Jul-07 12:37:53

Hi, my name is sarah from MORI. We are gathering information for your local council that may help with the way in which services are delivered to your area. Firstly we need to take some information to help with out profiling
can i take your name, age, and how many children you have

thank you

marital status

are you employed?


hang up.

singingmum Thu 19-Jul-07 12:37:53

You def need to get a male to call and ask for him there.Also if he is there ask him what he is doing.
Does he visit clients as part of his work or is he office/workplace based?

ChipButty Thu 19-Jul-07 12:39:02

Keep us posted, WW. xx

worriedwife Thu 19-Jul-07 12:39:26

yes thats it reassured. thanks firefairy!

just wish someone else could find out for me. am scared of even talking to the woman and even h (lost the d for the time being!). i soooo want to know but dont at the same time iyswim

Fireflyfairy2 Thu 19-Jul-07 12:39:36

Bloody Hell Custy, you've done this before

mylittlestar Thu 19-Jul-07 12:39:43

only thing I'm thinking is why didn't he ring you from his mobile?

weird that he'd use her phone if he's having an affair... why take that risk?

Fireflyfairy2 Thu 19-Jul-07 12:40:08

Do you want some of us to call?

I'm sure someone would be willing to call for you.

mylittlestar Thu 19-Jul-07 12:40:23

give me the number I'll ring for you

worriedwife Thu 19-Jul-07 12:40:45

custy, thats very sneaky! you done this before?

mylittlestar Thu 19-Jul-07 12:41:21

x posts FF.

honestly I'd ring for you

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