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(316 Posts)
snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 07:33:58

In-laws are headed over staying for close to 6 weeks 🤦🏾‍♀️

Baby is almost 10 weeks so they are coming to visit.

Any tips on getting through 6 weeks?

Other half is off for 4 thankfully but isn’t a planner & right now... zero plans 🤦🏾‍♀️

fedup21 Thu 16-May-19 07:35:15

That is a long time. Mine have only ever stayed for 3 days and that was too much.

Can you move?!

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 07:36:52

Depends. Are they helpful? Nice? Kind? Do you have plenty of room?

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 07:37:43

I assume they’ve come from abroad-will they go off and do touristy things?

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls Thu 16-May-19 09:09:46

6 weeks is an awful long time to visit especially when you have a new born baby. Even if they are lovely and helpful people I would struggle to host anyone for that long.

Your DP may not be a planner but I would make it very clear to him that he needs to sort some arrangements to ensure their stay is as stress free as possible for both you and them. It will be lovely for them to spend some time with their new grandchild but if they are staying for an extended visit they need to go on days out etc as otherwise you will all begin to get on one each others nerves.

Do you live in an area that has plenty of things to do or has access to places that are like this?

Stick to your preferred routine for baby as 6 weeks is too long to disrupt this.
Maybe make a meal planner and rota so everyone can pitch in to help.
Make sure you have plans for time with just you, your DP and baby as you can't possibly be on host duty 24/7 for 6 weeks.
If you need some space at any point then make sure you communicate this to DP as otherwise the tension will build and tempers will fray.

Good luck

churchthecat Thu 16-May-19 09:49:09

Fake your own death and move into a hotel?

Disfordarkchocolate Thu 16-May-19 09:52:34

If having a baby gets you 6 weeks with your in-laws I'd be celibate, and I like mine.

FinallyHere Thu 16-May-19 09:56:54

After the initial welcome how lovely to see you, don't make any effort to 'host' them. Guest don't stay for six weeks, they are part of the household.

You have a baby to look after, let DH take the strain. You need him to see what and effort it is, so that he sends them in their way.

Congratulations on your baby.

PerfectPeony2 Thu 16-May-19 10:00:24

Can’t they just stay for 4 weeks? (unless you want them to stay of course).

Otherwise like PP said, don’t host them.

When my baby was 10 weeks I would have hated this! I couldn’t have anyone in my space when I was caring for the baby and still figuring things out.

goose1964 Thu 16-May-19 10:03:15

It depends on the in-laws. If I was staying with my son and family and he was at work I'd be helping out, cooking meals and looking after the baby so the parents could catch up on sleep. I would be capable of doing things like sightseeing by myself.

Contraceptionismyfriend Thu 16-May-19 10:10:30

Are they in your house for 6 weeks?!?!
I'd nope the hell out of that bullshit!!

YesimstillwatchingNetflix Thu 16-May-19 10:16:38

That sounds awful. What are your in-laws like?

I'd be making it clear to DH that they (including their food, sleeping arrangements and entertainment) are his responsibility. You will be busy with the baby.

Don't feel you have to spend every second of every day with them. This is a good time in the baby's life and in your Mat leave to get out and make friends, meet other mums, join baby groups etc. don't miss the boat on this stuff in order to amuse PIL, as these connections can help keep you sane long term.

Good luck, please update us on how you go

lessnoisepls Thu 16-May-19 10:28:52

Have you got plenty space for them OP?

I have a similar situation, my inlaws come and stay for long periods of time and my bedroom becomes my absolute haven during that time.

Don't worry about seeming antisocial- it's absolutely fine!!!
You need it for your sanity.
Have alone time as often as you can. If they start knocking on your door etc, get your partner to explain you don't want to be disturbed in your room and could they respect that.
Staying for 6 weeks they should.

Whats the reason for the super long visit? Do they live far away?
I feel for you, I hope this doesn't become a regular thing, I suggest in future, unless you have an extremely large house where you can avoid them for days (Like I can haha) - you make some excuses about it all being a bit cramped and it would be better for visit of 5 days max, or suggest they get a hotel - easier said than done.

Just remove yourself, try not to let them get to you too much - let your DP take the majority of the entertaining/hanging out with them - hope it exhausts and annoys him and puts him off doing it again wink xx

bigchris Thu 16-May-19 10:32:43

You need plans

You need to make it quite clear to dh that he needs to take his parents out at least once a day, may be sometimes with the baby even for a short walk so the baby sleeps while you rest

bigchris Thu 16-May-19 10:34:30

My in laws don't stay with us any more, they stay in a premier inn , and that's just for 2 or 3 nights , I hate that walking around in a dressing gown trying to be cheerful when you just want to be alone and enjoy a coffee in leave without having to make conversation

Summerorjustmaybe Thu 16-May-19 10:37:35

"You need plans"
Escape plans imo!!
Week 2 maybe a new patio?

canveyisland Thu 16-May-19 12:42:44

Having any couple to stay for that length of time would try the relationship to its limit, let alone ILs. You shouldn't being worrying about guests when you have a newborn, it's madness.

IIWM I would replan the visit and turn it into a week with you, followed by a break of 2-3 weeks and then they stay for another week after that. During that time they will be expected to organise themselves and go out every day for several hours to give you some peace and quiet.

You need small doses of them because there is no MIL and FIL on earth that doesn't have their own irritating daily routine that they want to follow out of habit while they are at your house. I used to find the whole fuss and drama of it quite exhausting.

Hotels and B&Bs are a great idea, just don't get roped in to offering to help pay or you'll always be having to do that. I happened once to me and that was the end of it, they only came for the day after. It was 200 miles so it wasn't very frequent thank the lord.

lalablab Thu 16-May-19 13:01:20

6 WEEKS?! shock

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 14:23:14

Glad you all see where I’m coming from as he just doesn’t seem to get it.

They do live abroad though and that’s why it’s such a lengthy time but it’s still frustrating that they haven’t bothered to hire an apartment or Airbnb in the area so at least they would have their own space & us have ours.

Our house is a 2 bed with the other room being my office - he’s completely disregarded that too & they will be staying in that room 🙄 I’m not happy about that either.

At first he planned to have just 2 weeks off I said that’s a complete no sorry! so now he has 4 weeks off - 2 weeks as they come & back end 2 weeks. I’m aiming to tell him they need to go see their family or friends during the 2 weeks he is at work as I’m not down with hosting them.

I haven’t stayed with them before as they live abroad - I don’t know them fully which makes it more awkward in my opinion.

You guys are right in terms of cooking etc I’m going to leave them to do it my main priority is the baby not anyone else right now.

They’ve made zero plans & that’s just annoying also. I get they want to spend time with baby but at the moment he’s sleeping lots during the day anyway & when he is awake it’s for feed change and bit of play time and back to sleep. I’m anxious about them moaning about things too ie I mix feed for example and can’t be dealing with people intervening with opinions etc.

Wish we had a outhouse 😂 we have a conservatory.... 😂

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 14:23:50

I’m not paying for any accommodation etc wouldn’t mind but they are well off too 🙄

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc Thu 16-May-19 14:25:02

I couldn't do 6 days!

Hollowvictory Thu 16-May-19 14:26:01

I would not like that. I'd say they have to book hotel. But you didn't so presumably you're fine with it.

PerfectPeony2 Thu 16-May-19 14:28:05

Wow that’s going to be intense. Mine stayed a couple of hours max.. I’d just say no and make them stay at an air b n b the whole time with planned visits. Just come up with an excuse like you’re not well or still getting to grips with breastfeeding.

Don’t sacrifice the precious time with your baby.

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 14:34:45

Because of course most people can easily afford extended stays in hotels.....

desparate4sleep Thu 16-May-19 14:38:32

Wow that sounds awful. I wouldn't tell them you are mix feeding tell them you are breastfeeding and you are not comfortable doing it in front of them so this gives you an excuse to go to your room for an escape several times per day. Invent a wedding weekend that you are going to when your DP goes back to work and go and stay with your mum.
This would be my idea of hell.

Contraceptionismyfriend Thu 16-May-19 14:40:09

JFC. Does your mum live near by?

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 16:15:18

She does yeah..

Flamingosnbears Thu 16-May-19 16:24:20

If your stressing already about them coming over for so long you need to have a chat with your Husband about making it shorter you've just had a baby they can't put on you both like that get them into a hotel if they have to stay for a long time but not a full six at yours it sounds like hell...

Contraceptionismyfriend Thu 16-May-19 16:26:35

Does she happen to have a spare bedroom?

PicsInRed Thu 16-May-19 16:41:20

I would cancel. This is a terrible idea you will regret forever.

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 16:45:06

My other half won’t be impressed if I suggest that :-/

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 16:46:02

@PicsInRed it’s got disaster written all over it I think other half knows it too but he’s too much of a door mat to say anything as usual

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 16:46:07

Do they have other relations in this country?

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 16:46:33

Contraceptionismyfriend OH won’t be impressed if I suggest that :-/

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 16:48:26

He told me it was 4 weeks at first then after they had already booked flights he said it’s 6 weeks so I made him book another 2 weeks off as I’m not dealing with them for a whole 4 weeks alone. He doesn’t seem to understand how much of an impact women have after having a baby even though I’ve explained my reasons behind it several occasions @Flamingosnbears

Contraceptionismyfriend Thu 16-May-19 16:49:34

Fuck him!! You don't ask his permission. You pack you and the baby up and go and stay with your mum. You're about to squeeze a baby out of your vagina. I bled a lot for 4 months after my son. I had internal grazes and the gushing boobs.
Would I hell have hosted.
Nobody else but you and what you matters.

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 16:52:11

Are they the sort of people who get on with stuff?

It sounds as if you need to sort out some house rules before they arrive- you can do it nicely. Maybe a rota for cooking and shopping? Write and tell them that the space is small and you’re going to be concentrating on the baby so they’ll have to be family not guests. And get your dp to arrange some days out for him and them to touristy things. Can he contact other relations in this country and get them to invite them for a week?:

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 16:52:46

@Contraceptionismyfriend the baby is 9 weeks but I love my own space and have just about got some sort of rythm going on with him, I’m self employed so trying to also do bits of work when I can and the whole thing just feels over whelming. Wouldn’t mind but we are due to visit there later this year so I don’t know why they are bothering to come for so long.

foreverhanging Thu 16-May-19 16:53:48

Christ I wouldn't let people I LIKED stay for 6 weeks

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 16:55:04

@BertrandRussell I don’t know them very well as I haven’t spent time with them as they live abroad. We ended up going on a family holiday after we got married because of logistics but other than that, I don’t know much about how they are. They said they’ll just get on with stuff and OH is gullable - I mean they won’t have access to driving etc so how can they just get on with stuff for one.

Yeah you’re right I need to have words tonight they arrive tomorrow 😭

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 16:55:35

Same @foreverhanging I feel like I’ve been lumbered into it

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 16:59:55

They arrive tomorrow!! Jesus!

Right. You need to talk to him tonight (has he got their room ready, by the way?) and force him to do some planning. Then give them a day to get over the journey and on Saturday, sit down with them and talk about how it’s going to work. Assume they’ll be reasonable until proved otherwise.

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 17:18:48

@BertrandRussell he hasn’t yet no, I’m not doing it going to leave him to do it - he has brought the bedding etc so just needs to do the mattress up - yeah he thinks it’s ok for his parents to sleep on a blow up mattress too 😂🤷🏾‍♀️

SunshineCake Thu 16-May-19 17:31:29

Doesn't matter if he's not impressed at the thought of you going to your mothers. You're not impressed at him being an idiot and not thinking this through.

Wnikat Thu 16-May-19 17:35:20

Find an Airbnb for them. For at least four weeks of their stay. It is absolutely not fair to have them stay with you for that long with a nine week old. Put your foot down.

Contraceptionismyfriend Thu 16-May-19 17:38:03

Thank God. I thought you were just a bout to give birth.
But either way you've got a newborn. This is BS. Disengage. They are not your guests and if you start to feel uncomfortable go to your mothers.

glitterfarts Thu 16-May-19 17:38:32

Clear the conservatory or dining room and have them sleep in there - you need your office for work. It's not like they're here for the weekend - they're here until July!
That is quite an unreasonable ask for a couple with a newborn.

glitterfarts Thu 16-May-19 17:40:14

And you can't just sit at home for 6 weeks doing nothing - I'd be still visiting your own Mum with just your baby and call it "DH spending quality time with his parents".

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 17:41:46

“Find an Airbnb for them. For at least four weeks of their stay. It is absolutely not fair to have them stay with you for that long with a nine week old. Put your foot down.”

But the dp invited them. She can’t expect them to pay for 4 weeks of accommodation after that. Unless they are rolling in dosh.

BlueMerchant Thu 16-May-19 17:42:15

Oh no no no. It wouldn't be happening. You really should have put your foot down at the first mention of this. However, it's not too late. Your DH is going to have to arrange alternative accommodation.FULL STOP.

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 17:43:23

“Clear the conservatory or dining room and have them sleep in there - you need your office for work.”

Oh god- don’t do that! You don’t want them sleeping in public rooms. You want them contained!

ShadowsInTheDarkness Thu 16-May-19 17:51:38

I'm 28 and I couldn't sleep on a blow up mattress for more than a few nights let alone 6 weeks ... hopefully after the first week of the baby waking them up lots at night and having a very uncomfortable nights sleep they will book themselves into a nearby hotel! Failing that I'd go see your mum lots just to get a breather and retreat to your room for all feeds as baby doesn't feed properly with distractions. Also naps. Take lots of naps. God I feel for you OP. I love my inlaws but this would drive me over the edge!

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 17:56:48

Just said to him I don’t want to be leaving baby with them when I’m out as he will come with me & schedules etc wont be changing & I’ll be meeting friends with him etc and he just looked at me as if I’m crazy & said yeah but they want to spend time with him too 🤦🏾‍♀️

BertrandRussell Thu 16-May-19 18:00:30

“Just said to him I don’t want to be leaving baby with them when I’m out as he will come with me & schedules etc wont be changing & I’ll be meeting friends with him etc ”

Well yes- but don’t shoot your self in the foot here! Once they and the baby get to know each other, you might like an hour or two to yourself.

timeisnotaline Thu 16-May-19 18:00:53

They arrive tomorrow! My in laws did this for 2 weeks when ds was 10 weeks. 3 days in I called dh and told him I wasn’t going to make it, so he told them I needed more space and got them to do a couple of daytrips - see oxford etc (we are london). Tell your dh tonight that if he doesn’t try hard to make it work and tell his parents this kind of thing you and baby will go to your mums as he is letting you down.

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 18:05:56

@BertrandRussell I don’t leave baby with my parents yet so I can’t see myself leaving baby with them

Rightsaidmabel Thu 16-May-19 18:06:37

Am I guessing when I think that you and also your husband do very much not want to be unwelcoming?
You'd both like his parents to enjoy their visit,and their grandchild.They won't if you are spending time and enegy fending them off and finding moments of privacy,as you naturally will need to.
Can you not sit your husband down and tell him that hosting his parents for 6 weeks,in a small house,where they have a blow up mattress in an office,where they are having to constantly adjust to the needs of a household with a new baby and a mum who works from home,
is not fair...on THEM ?
They need to be able to enjoy the visit,you have realised they will need space and time for their own routines and to enjoy more than just being grandparents,but visitors to the UK.
You feel an urgent re think is needed for all of you.Have this weekend together ,speak to them, explaining how uncomfortable you have realised this will be for them , you'd hate to have them tolerate this, have the nearest B n B lined up thereafter.They actually can't afford not to! He won't want the inevitable fall out, tell him we have pointed out how reasonable you are to be dreading this.Good luck! the

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 18:07:12

I’ve tried to explain just now he needs to arrange it so they are at their families place when he’s back at work and he’s just like ‘i’ll Try to see what the plan is’ I’m like no that’s not good enough.

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 18:12:29

@Rightsaidmabel exactly that! They’ve said to him they’ll just potter around the house and I’m like no they will not for 6 weeks. It’s not getting through to his head. I would no way invite myself to someone’s place for 6 weeks with newborn it’s awful to put someone in that position in my opinion.

I don’t get his thought process. He just said he can’t exactly say no to them coming for 6 weeks. Initially it was meant to be 4 weeks.

Contraceptionismyfriend Thu 16-May-19 18:16:25

Your husband is putting them above you.
Just draw a line and tell him that you will leave the house when you've had enough and will not return with the baby until you feel comfortable

greenlynx Thu 16-May-19 18:16:32

2 weeks could work but 6... and I don’t like the idea that even your DH will entertain them. When he’s going to spend time with baby? And how about you? You might need his help and support. He needs to balance his responsibilities, of course they’re his parents but you have newborn.
I won’t survive this, no way. I won’t survive my own parents visiting for 6 weeks. I would say I could do a little bit longer with MIL but it’s probably because there’s no FIL. But in all cases for all relatives 2 weeks are absolute limit. And you have very small space for all of you.
I would be online by now looking for accommodation for them.
I wonder what would be your in-laws expectations? Are there any cultural differences between you and them? It might be the issue.

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 18:33:56

@Contraceptionismyfriend always felt this way so far with few things!

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 18:35:22

Yeah defo a culture thing I feel @greenlynx it’s out of order though - I’m of same bg maybe a generation thing not to mention men are put on pedestals & it’s the wife’s fault if anything goes differently

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours Thu 16-May-19 18:41:34

I ended up a weeping mess when my inlaws descended on me after DS1 was born and that was just a week, but not even a fortnight old.

tbh they didn't do anything they didn't always do, sitting, going out to get the paper, reading the paper, reading the paper out to one another, asking each other if they had seen something in the paper

The weeping started on the third day, burst out everywhere on the fourth and they took the hint and got the hell out of the house for days five and six.

Bad times!

storynanny Thu 16-May-19 18:47:24

Well, looking at it from the other side, I cant imagine why they would want to stay for 6 weeks in your house. Im visiting my son and his wife soon in the Far East for 2 weeks and doing one week with them and their one year old and one week in a nearby hotel. Wouldnt dream of invading their space for more than a week and I also want to be able to wander around in my dressing gown! Its so unfair on you and your new baby, they should realise that.

Summerorjustmaybe Thu 16-May-19 18:51:59

Seems to me your dm would like to see you for the weeks dh isn't around......

Vuyo85 Thu 16-May-19 18:55:55

I'm a South African and very curious to know which culture in-laws would stay for 6 weeks?
I really fee, for you OP

Vuyo85 Thu 16-May-19 18:56:26


snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 19:00:28

I would be the same as you to be honest

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 19:01:02

I would be the same as you @storynanny

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 19:01:37

@MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours feel like this might happen to me he doesn’t seem to get it at all even now

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 19:02:38

@Summerorjustmaybe defo have to up my going out whilst he’s at work if they don’t plan any trips for during that time

snoopy18 Thu 16-May-19 19:03:14

@Vuyo85 British Indian ..

MusaMama Thu 16-May-19 19:10:24

Omg snoopy u have my sympathies. I dont know how u are breathing right now. Dont let this ruin ur first few weeks with ur little one or allow this to cause tension between u and ur OH. This is a precious time for the three of you. My advise to you is display a change of heart in the initial two weeks of their stay. Show ur OH u are positive and welcoming etc. Then just before he goes back to work start working on sending ur in laws to the relatives. A positive happy attitude will get ur husband to drop his guard and communicate with you. Also ur in laws will not blame u when they are shipped out for a few weeks. Finally if for whatever reason they do stay on the full 6 weeks, and if u do end up falling out with them, ur OH will probably say “You didnt even want them to come and stay” and look to blame you. Worst case scenario, go to your mothers for short regular stays throughout the 6 weeks. Say ur mum needs to spend time with baby too. Goodluck x

JMoore Thu 16-May-19 19:49:04

6 weeks on a blowup mattress... Who would want to do that? With any luck they will quickly realise just how uncomfortable that is and look for alternative accommodation.

Whatever you do, do not give up your own bedroom to them!

Vuyo85 Thu 16-May-19 20:42:24

I really have no advice, but you have my sympathies! All my sympathies!!!!!

MrsJonesAndMe Thu 16-May-19 21:07:07

Bloody hell, my own parents stay for 2 weeks and that's too much for all of us - them and us...and my children are primary aged.

Ariela Thu 16-May-19 21:25:04

Thankfully the blow up mattress could be the nail in the coffin for their plans on staying the full 6 weeks.
Maybe it could gain a teeny tiny pin prick hole and gradually go down overnight/over a couple of days a few days in.....???

YesimstillwatchingNetflix Fri 17-May-19 00:21:59

PIL with no plans beyond 'pottering' around your small house for 6 weeks while you're finally getting into a rhythm with a newborn and trying to do paid work as well sounds absolutely hideous.

I really think you need to insist that they will be more comfortable staying somewhere else. Your DH sounds like a wet mop so you need to take charge. Is there somewhere local they can stay? Walking distance so you don't need to pick them up?

If you do get stuck with them, I agree to be as welcoming and cheerful as possible.... and then cheerfully give them a map of the local area, their own set of keys, a list of local attractions and a bus pass. And then do your own thing with no apologies at all.

I can understand if they live abroad that they want to get as much baby time as possible but 6 weeks living in at 10 weeks old is just too much.

It's not just that you need your own space right now, you need to be able to determine (and amend as needed) your own schedule.

snoopy18 Fri 17-May-19 02:41:25

@Ariela that is so funny! what a great idea 😂

snoopy18 Fri 17-May-19 02:42:57

@MrsJonesAndMe mine come over to see baby & few hours is long enough. OH doesn’t get it. Was banging on about how a friend of his had parents over for 9 WEEKS with newborn in the house 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

snoopy18 Fri 17-May-19 02:45:26

@YesimstillwatchingNetflix he doesn’t seem to get it at all. He’s already pulled the ‘you don’t want them here’ card yesterday to which I said yeah I don’t there’s no reason why you couldn’t have booked an Airbnb for them so we all have our own space. He’s not impressed but I’ve never been the type to beat around the bushes

frazzledasarock Fri 17-May-19 03:02:15

Snoopy18 just be careful, you don’t end up sleeping in the study on a blow up mattress.
Make sure your H doesn’t give up your room for them.

I had ex outlaws descend on me shortly after the birth of DC2, it was hell on wheels, luckily one of ex’s sisters was also due to give birth and they left after two months (they had a six month visa and would have stayed otherwise). And they did not lift a finger in the house it was me doing all the running around and cooking and cleaning etc

YesimstillwatchingNetflix Fri 17-May-19 03:06:13

@snoopy18 good for you, don't let him guilt you. Fair enough not to want two houseguests imposed upon you for weeks.

Being a good DIL / wife does not mean doing what you're told without objection. DH should have spoken to you about what would work, and how the family would make this visit a success before just confirming this with his parents. If there is awkwardness about a change of plans, that's his fault.

Stick to your guns.

snoopy18 Fri 17-May-19 03:18:40

@frazzledasarock defo will not be running around after them this is why I made it clear he needs to book more time off which he has. In the nicest possible way it’s his guests not mine. Plus we have a dog that gets way anxious / excited with new people so he can deal with that

snoopy18 Fri 17-May-19 03:19:09

Omg 6 months would be utter crazynss @frazzledasarock

snoopy18 Fri 17-May-19 03:21:47

@YesimstillwatchingNetflix I know! I had forgotten about the fact he told me 4 weeks when it’s turned out to be 6. Raised that with him yesterday. He thinks I’m weird that I don’t want his parents in my immediate space. His problem is he doesn’t know how to say no or suggest solutions. It always takes a blow up before he will action. He’s a nightmare.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix Fri 17-May-19 04:08:02

@snoopy18 my husband was really similar with his parents when our first baby was born. With a weeks old baby, his parents wanted us to throw an elaborate Christening at our home for their extended family, so he just agreed to it and expected me to make it happen. Despite c-section complications, a new born with health problems, no sleep and having literally just moved into a new build house that wasn't even finished. His parents offered no help or funds, they just started telling more and more people to expect an invitation.

I tried explaining calmly for days why it wasn't the right time or a good idea. He was just blind & deaf to everything I said because his parents wanted something and he didn't want to disappoint them. Like a bloody robot.

In the end I just lost it at him. I made it very clear that he was disappointing me, his wife, who had just had his baby. I am never someone to raise my voice or get upset but that is what it took for him to hear me over the volume of parental expectations. He finally realised where his priorities needed to lie.

You are a new mum, adjusting to life with a new baby. There are times in life that we should put our own comfort and wishes aside for the wider family- but you being 10 weeks into motherhood means this is a time for them to put their wishes aside for you. It is not selfish to prioritise your own wishes, privacy and comfort right now. In fact, I think it's really important for you and the baby that you do.

snoopy18 Fri 17-May-19 06:19:27

@YesimstillwatchingNetflix sounds awful and I don’t get why men are so loyal to their parents even beyond marriage in these circumstances.

There’s just no reason why they need to stay in the same house for 6 weeks is there.

Sounds similar in that you have to get super upset before it registers in their head. And then they wonder why we get so pissed off and annoyed. Why not be logical about It and adult about it instead of causing stress.

I’m hoping baby just cries when they hold him as it takes a while for even other half to settle him.

Access to grand kids is a privelidge not a must.

snoopy18 Fri 17-May-19 06:21:15

@YesimstillwatchingNetflix I think I’ve done well with lifestyle change in such a short space of time - imagine if I had postpartum depression or c section etc and they did this? It’s not on.

It’s put me off wanting to do stuff with them - i was saying to arrange day trips etc and have places listed on my phone etc but he gives zero fucks.

To be honest I think he will get sick of them around here for 6 weeks. He hasn’t thought it through himself.

KatherineJaneway Fri 17-May-19 06:29:02

I'd start from minute one with clear ground rules when they walk in the house so they are clear on what is and what is not OK.

Windmillwhirl Fri 17-May-19 06:58:27

They are seriously taking the piss. Your husband probably knows they are tight and doesn't want to rock the boat and insist they get a hotel. They should for the weeks he won't be there.

I'd be fuming in your shoes. Totally overstaying their welcome. I mean, you have a newborn to focus on!!!

Windmillwhirl Fri 17-May-19 06:59:27

They are seriously taking the piss. Your husband probably knows they are tight and doesn't want to rock the boat and insist they get a hotel. They should for the weeks he won't be there.

I'd be fuming in your shoes. Totally overstaying their welcome. I mean, you have a newborn to focus on!!!

snoopy18 Fri 17-May-19 07:01:44

@Windmillwhirl I am not impressed at all in the slightest. Anxious about the whole thing but he doesn’t seem to care about that. His priority just remains with them & keeping them happy. Will impact our relationship whilst they are here too as I’m just going to keep doing what I do to be honest.

billy1966 Fri 17-May-19 07:04:15

Nightmare. Thankfully you are not one to sugar coat it.
Do not start food catering for them. Be busy with the baby/resting. Just keep saying to him "feeding them is on you".
Totally disengage from the subject as you have to rest/bond/mind baby.
Best thing is to make this so tough for HIM he doesn't do it again.
AND take yourself off to your mother's regularly.
Good luck.

billy1966 Fri 17-May-19 07:06:22

He's put their needs first.
Don't forget this.
Tell him.
Now you put yourself and your baby first.

snoopy18 Fri 17-May-19 07:26:38

@billy1966 you’re so right! I think he thinks because I go do stuff when he has days off that that’s how I am always but obviously that isn’t the case. He hasn’t had a full day or night alone with baby yet from birth so I don’t think he understands the going ons really either.

I’ve booked baby and I our first trip for September to Lisbon lastnight. He’s obsessed about going back home for 5 weeks and hasn’t catered for the fact I want to do more of Europe & UK with baby when I’ve told him numerous times. Getting as many trips in as possible whilst baby is still young & not in nursery / school etc!

Disfordarkchocolate Fri 17-May-19 07:37:18

@snoopy18 gave you booked your trip to see them later in the year yet? If not I wouldn't be going.

Contraceptionismyfriend Fri 17-May-19 07:54:37

Honestly I'd casually stick a pin in the air bed. They'll be out in a week.

MarniLou Fri 17-May-19 08:03:51

I feel really guilty now!

Every year I took my LO's to stay with my parents for 6 weeks. They live abroad Great family times, something my DC's have fab memories of and something we needed to do to build and maintain relationships. My DC's wouldn't have had much of a relationship with their GP's without prescription those times.

Trying to think how it worked so well...I think we sometimes took days out without them just to break up the time.
Could you suggest they have a 'trip' away? A mini holiday within the time with you. I don't know where you live but something like London to see the sites. I did try to do that during our six weeks but wanted a holiday park (bit of freedom) and couldn't book that for less than a week (and too many mega bucks in the summer).
We did book a hotel together with DP's and had a 'break within their break' so we all went off. This gave a change of scenery, time to relax and a change of responsibility. ( we weren't in 'their' house so expectations were different).

Practical stuff like food, they bought the basics and I would take a separate trolley around the supermarket to buy the 'treats' for all of us, some really nice food (dad loved apple pie!), extras for the DC's and toiletries.

Unfortunately my DP's never offered to have my LO's without me, I would have loved that. If there was a planned day trip my DP's always expected me to be there (why just why? PLEASE take them out to the park yourselves, you really don't need me!) when all I wanted was time to curl up in peace with a book or have time for a long bath.

Like anything flexibility and communication is good.

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