Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is a private detective the only way to know for sure?(27 Posts)
Have been seeing dp for nearly a year. He's met my friends, we've been away together loads, we don't live together. Everything is fine apart from one thing, my spidey senses tell me there is someone else (and I'm not someone with trust issues).
In the last 4 weeks he has rearranged 4 dates all for seemingly honest explanations. First his car broke down, second his mother got admitted to hospital, and the other 2 were equally believable but outing - in all cases impossible for me to check but also perfectly possible they were true. I also never stay over at his place - he's in a flat share and I'm in a house but now I'm wondering if there are other reasons.
I have met most of his friends but it dawned on me last night that I had not met the group of friends that are local to him (he's lived in a lot of different places).
We met on OLD and neither of us are on social media so I have no reference points for him. I am suddenly deeply suspicious and think he's playing me for a fool but I can't think of a way to unearth it and I'm also slightly worried I could be seeing things that aren't there! I have asked him outright if anything is up and he completely denies it. Do I put this to the back of my mind or do something about it?
Spidey senses can be wrong.
None of what you ve posted is suspicious, I mean this nicely but if you carry it n like this you will drive him away
They can be wrong I agree and I (genuinely) don't have trust issues. It's never been a problem in any other relationship. But there is something about his behaviour that just isn't right.
I wouldn't incur the expense of a private investigator in this case. You are still at the dating stage in a newish relationship with no significant commitments so I would use your own judgement. If you are questioning his trust at this stage without anything specific then something is triggering this feeling. It could be intuition but it could also be something else like an issue about his commitment to you.
I know you say he is in a flat share but it is very unusual to never have stayed over unless you live very near to him, have you been to his place at all?
How often do you see/contact one another?
When he has rearranged your recent dates has he been the one to initiate further contact?
Have you met his mum or are you likely to meet up with her soon? It would be unlikely he would lie about her hospital admission if you will see her in the near future as you would obviously ask about her health.
Have you made any future plans?
You could make a new false dating profile to see if he is back on the OLD sites.
thanks sunburst that's a great idea re the dating sites, I hadn't thought of that
I've been to his place but not often and only been inside once and looking back on it, he was jumpy. At the time it seemed logical that because I had a house and a load more space that we were always at mine but now I do wonder. I think I've been ignoring the red flags because I've been so happy.
he messages me every day on whatsapp but he does have times when he disappears
I am slightly kicking myself for not seeing this sooner
You are not his priority so don't let your yourself be just an option.
Very likely he has other 'friends' so dial it back down, remain casual and socialise with your own group. Unless you like to be messed about this person is not for you.
Trust your instinct and forget employing someone, you can tell what someone is up to by the ripples their activity leaves and you are seeing those ripples. Back into the dating pool with you
I'd trust your instincts and just get rid.
It doesn't sound right.
What kind of car has he got?
That's he lamest excuse in the book.
192.com will give the names of people in his building, you may have to pay to find it though.
If you think he is married, look at online sites for marriages, death etc. or search records.
Go and watch his home.
No wonder your spidey senses are on full alert!
Does he ever spend the weekend with you? Can you call him whenever you like?
You've been together a year and you've only been inside his place once?
If, after a year of dating you are at a place where you are considering getting a private detective - all its sayjng is that you need to get our and move on...
Life is too short.
There is NO outcome of any ‘investigation’ that will make you feel happy in this relationship...
He isn’t making you happy and loved - and it doesn’t matter if it’s because he isn’t putting enough into it OR if there is someone else.
Looking at this from a different angle, if I found out that someone I dated and then became involved with had me investigated I would dump them. I think any reasonable person would. So you would never to keep a major secret from him and basically lie to him.
So hiring a detective means you do something pretty unforgivable or you find out he has done something pretty unforgivable.
The bottom line is that rightly or wrongly you don’t trust him. That is a problem in itself. So you could address these concerns openly. Or you could call it a day.
I know that "instincts" aren't some magic force that always steers you right, but I do think that they are worth paying attention to.
You say that you aren't someone with trust issues and that you suddenly have this very strong feeling that there is someone else. I think the likelihood is that you are correct. You have also questioned him about this, and he has been unable to convince you to your satisfaction.
One of two things is going on - either you are picking up on something in this guy that makes you not trust him, or you have suddenly gone crazy and are suspecting a wholly innocent person.
You seem lucid and rational. You don't mention having struggled to trust him from the start, or having a history of wild suspicions. Ask yourself if you have ever felt like this before - not just in romantic relationships, but in friendships, jobs, strangers, etc. Do you have any reason to believe that you are given to unfounded suspicions?
But just "a feeling" is difficult grounds to justify ending a year long relationship. I can see why you are considering a private detective. Think of it this way - if you are proved right, you will dodge a bullet. If it turns out you are wrong, you will have useful info that you had a sudden, irrational feeling that you were unable to dispel, and maybe you could have a few sessions with a therapist to explore why. Either way, it's no one's business but yours.
There are so many ways to know
Can you call him anytime? If you give short notice to meet him, does he?
How often do you see each other? There's not much info to go off here but from what you say, I agree it does sound suspicious. I'm shocked you've been together for a year though?
How often is he at yours?
You've not met his family then?
My ex BF from way back shared a house with 3 other guys. That didn't stop me staying over.
Was anyone else home the time you went?
You're making it a lot more complicated than it is. You don't trust him. The end. Time to call it quits.
It could be that he is seeing OW, one of his housemates or local friend often around his home or known to his housemates is an ex/OW, or even that he just isn’t into you and is lying when he doesn’t feel like going on a date.
“I've been to his place but not often and only been inside once and looking back on it, he was jumpy.”
Very odd not to any spend time at his place. Unbalanced. One option could be to say that you’re not happy about it and you’d like to start spending time at his place - see his reaction.
Agree that you shouldn’t go to expense of an investigator!
Are you sure he's not on social media? I had an ex who told me he wasn't, I believed him. He never took me to his house, I never met his friends or family, so I looked for him on fb out of curiosity and there he was with a wife and new baby
Of course yours could be very different!!
You can do your own background check on him without having to hire anyone.
There are so many liars and users out there, I would do one on anyone I was serious with. You can't be too cautious these days.
What do you mean by background check? How would you go about doing this?
I think the very fact that you are considering this after less than a year together should be enough for you to move on from him.
By using the available public resources like 192.com and public records; marriage, divorce, criminal, work, social media of friends and family, google their name, etc.
You can find out a lot about a person this way.
Yes to searching his email and phone number in Facebook and Instagram.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.