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AIBU to be jealous of partner’s female best friend?

(49 Posts)
Mollie3 Thu 16-May-19 00:10:33

He has had her as a friend since they were both 16. He and I recently got together, 1yr relationship, known each other 2yrs.
So, tonight he’s in kitchen washing up and her name flashes up on his phone, a text. So I ask him the code to his phone as his ‘girlfriend’ has text (my ongoing joke name for her). He gives me a code but it doesn’t work - he’s given me the wrong code. He admits this. I say why give me wrong code? He says first it’s a joke then because he doesn’t want me seeing what he’s been searching for, a present for me apparently (😂). I shout ‘you b*** liar!’ Because I know he’s saying this as a cover - unfortunately he has a small issue with bending the truth somewhat.
Anyway, I go upstairs and he follows and starts sucking up mentioning engagement rings and the like. He says he doesn’t text her as much as he used to out of respect for me.
I end up saying I’m not happy about how you seem to not want me on your phone and I want to see your phone.
So we go back downstairs and he tries to distract me from his phone with cheesecake. Anyway I get the phone and demand he tells me the code and he types it in. So I look at the messages between them.
From her they are mainly responses to his questioning. She puts a single kiss at the end of her texts.
From him however the kind of thing that is said is:
You ok today my lovely xxx
You take it easy gorgeous one xxx
And similar texts of the like. There are not that many texts between them, about 5-10 a day. He seems to be the one that instigates the texting. (He can be a prolific texter and flirt sending up to about 50 texts daily - we used to do this before living together).
I ended up saying to him that I’m not comfortable with the flirty tone of the messages he is sending her. He says he’s like that with everyone and to be fair he does call everyone darling, lovely etc.
He accused me of being like his X who also had a problem with this women (way before I knew him) when she apparently discovered unscrupulous texts between them, accused him of having an affair, and consequently broke up her own friendship with the woman.
Also in his defence he says:
- she’s been going thru a rough time (poor health etc). I’ve heard that one before! From a previous boyfriend.
- he would be fine about it if I had a male best friend who I’d known for 15 years and text him in the same way
- if he was going to try and be with her he would have done it by now
- he denies fancying her but admits that if anyone saw the messages they’d think he was trying it on but get this, he’s actually not!
In my opinion, if he really wants to show respect for me and her partner for that matter (who he is mates with) he should tone down the flirtatious nature of the texts.
What really grates on me is how he describes her as his ‘best friend’ who has always been there for him
and would be there for him if anything happened between us I.e. break up or major relationship issues. He’s said to me he loves her before (but then as a friend), and loves me too well aren’t I the lucky one!?
Sigh. If you got to the end well done and I’d appreciate any feedback or advice xx

IronManisnotDead Thu 16-May-19 00:18:49

Grow up

Aridane Thu 16-May-19 00:23:32

I would have a problem with that too. No advice (1not sure why the 'gore up' comment)

EmptyChairsEmptyTables Thu 16-May-19 00:32:41

I think you’re both in the wrong. Him for continuing against your wishes and you for calling her his ‘girlfriend’.

I wonder if the friend is secretly in love with your dp and he uses her for an ego boost/narc supply and has done for some time. It doesn’t reflect well on him

LemonTT Thu 16-May-19 00:44:58

This is not how it is meant to be. If you are demanding his phone code then you don’t trust him. Nothing you have found or not found will make you trust him. You are supposed to be in a loving relationship not acting like a prison warden checking his mail. That’s not even getting into his dubious flirting reputation.

LemonTT Thu 16-May-19 00:45:24

This is not how it is meant to be. If you are demanding his phone code then you don’t trust him. Nothing you have found or not found will make you trust him. You are supposed to be in a loving relationship not acting like a prison warden checking his mail. That’s not even getting into his dubious flirting reputation.

RRJR Thu 16-May-19 01:32:59

He has no respect for you

Nothing wrong with having female friends but texting them calling them gorgeous etc is crossing the line. You just don’t do that when you’ve got a partner!

You say he’s a flirt and he also texts this girl calling her gorgeous etc. Why are you with him? You don’t trust him (I wouldn’t either) and in all honesty I don’t think this girl is the problem. The problem is your partner.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 16-May-19 01:36:50

Doesn’t the famous phrase “This relationship is a little bit crowded” come to mind at all?
Dump him, sharpish.

CallItLoneliness Thu 16-May-19 01:49:33

You aren't with some ideal of a man, you are with HIM and this woman is a part of his life and has been for many years. That not working for you doesn't make you a bad person, but it also doesn't make him a bad person. It may, however, mean you are not right for each other. He has already changed his interactions with her to make you more comfortable, which shows there is room for this to move, but if it needs to change you need to own that a bit--and be prepared for the fact he might say no.

To be honest, I think your relationship is dead in the water. He is probably lying to you because you give him hassle about this, and you give him hassle because he lies--vicious cycle. Lots of folks on MN will tell you his actions are inappropriate blahblahblah. I don't buy into a single model of relationships, so I don't think the situation is a priori wrong, but it is wrong for YOU. You can only control your own behaviour, so what are you going to do about it?

MrMeSeeks Thu 16-May-19 01:58:10

I’ve had male friends who may text me with Heya gorgeous/beautiful,
(never dated, and they’ve addresses their other female mates same way.
You can say to him the way he talks makes you feel uncomfortable but the others yabu.
Why can’t she be his best friend? What’s wrong with that?
The way you are with him is massively controlling.
I wouldn't be handing my phone over if my dh had addressed me the way you had.

memaymamo Thu 16-May-19 02:25:34

Too much drama. I would back away, he's probably not going to change.

NameChangeNugget Thu 16-May-19 07:29:42

If be hiding detail from you if am innocent friendship that predates you, was getting this much scrutiny. If it bothers you, end it, if not suck it up buttercup.
Just flip this, how you feel if he was policing your relationship with a Male friend??

popsadaisy Thu 16-May-19 07:35:43

I'd be pretty pissed off about all of this too tbh! You've done what I would advise and spoken to him about the way you are feeling so I'm not sure what else you can do now. I don't think it's worth breaking up over mind. It's a tricky one!!

booboo24 Thu 16-May-19 07:37:48

I can't see anything wrong with his friendship, they've been friends forever, if something was going to happen they've had plenty of time. My best friend is also a guy I know from secondary school, we are now in our early forties, there has never been an ounce of anything more, we are genuinely like brother and sister.

I think you 'demanding' his phone code was awful, and to be fair to him he showed you his phone when he really didn't have to. Have you met her? If not maybe you should, it might put your mind at ease. I'd also stop referring to her as his girlfriend, it makes you look bitter and jealous and I doubt that's attractive, you might also put the idea in his head!

Ultimately she's a fixture in his life and has been for most of his adult life, you have only been there for a year or so, and so in his shoes if it came to ultimatum time, i'd pick friendship at this point and I'd see you as controlling. I'm really sorry, I'm not saying that to be nasty, just trying to make you see that (in my opinion) he's not done anything wrong, and nor has she, but you'll drive him away if you carry on like this.

TakenForSlanted Thu 16-May-19 07:54:26

You aren't with some ideal of a man, you are with HIM and this woman is a part of his life and has been for many years.

This!

I was in the opposite position, so to speak: my ex husband was insanely jealous of my male BFF, whom I loved dearly and had been close to since our school days. He used to take this to extreme lengths, too, such as calling my phone every 10 minutes when I was meeting my friend, insisting I meet him at our home with him sat in the room, demanding to read our mutual texts ...

The obvious thing happened: BFF showed up with a van for my stuff the day I finally walked out on my controlling (in other ways, too) husband. We're still close (and I get along just fine with the wife he's acquired in the meantime). Husband is an ex.

Coming between your SO and their long-standing friendships is a no-go, sorry OP. Friends are the people who'll buy you more wine when your relationship with a jealo7s partner inevitably goes south.

ShatnersWig Thu 16-May-19 08:15:10

I'm a man with more female friends than male. My best friend is female. The first person I introduced my previous partner to was my best friend. All fine. Until best friend's boyfriend of five years dumped her. Then my partner took against her and made sly little digs and tried to say I could no longer see my best friend unless she (my partner) was present.

Suffice it to say my previous partner is my ex, my best friend is still my best friend, and we've still not slept together despite it being 9 years since I dumped my ex.

MsPavlichenko Thu 16-May-19 08:27:50

What is his " small issue with bending the truth somewhat? " Do you mean he lies to you , and not just about his mobile code ? That will be a problem.

ChristmasArmadillo Thu 16-May-19 14:09:09

If I were dating someone who was too insecure to handle the fact that my lifelong best friend was male, I would’ve dropped them immediately. End the relationship OP, life is too short for this kind of drama.

Musti Thu 16-May-19 14:19:06

What's your problem?? Theyve been friends forever and aren't together. He's loving towards her like I am with my friends and he can be like that because they both know that they're just friends.

RantyAnty Thu 16-May-19 14:20:17

I have to wonder if he has always fancied her but she has always thought of him as a friend?

How does her DP feel about the friendship?

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 16-May-19 14:28:55

You’re very casual about him having a problem with the truth. That’s not normal OP and you don’t have to settle for it.

Do you think this woman is a symptom of not trusting him in general? At the point that you’re checking his phone the dynamic is off anyway.

And what’s the stuff about trying to lead you on about engagement rings?

ChristmasFluff Thu 16-May-19 16:10:32

Dead relationship You don't trust him, and probably with good reason as you say he is a liar - saying he 'bends the truth' doesn't change the fact.

Not to mention that he's totally managing you down (google it), with that stuff about the other girlfriends

So, do you want to be in a relationship with a liar that you do not trust?

His friend is totally secondary. If it wasn't her, it would eventually be someone else.

HeckyPeck Thu 16-May-19 16:54:04

So, do you want to be in a relationship with a liar that you do not trust?

That’s what it boils down to to me. And why would you trust a liar?

necesitodormirahora Thu 16-May-19 16:57:35

He has form for this he did this with his X. I would personally end the relationship. Having female friends is fine. Heck even having a female best friend is fine but nobody literally nobody talks for a pure friend like that.

Haffiana Thu 16-May-19 17:04:24

I am amazed he hasn't dumped you and found a proper grown up to have a mutually respectful relationship with.

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