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AIBU to be jealous of partner’s female best friend?

(49 Posts)
Mollie3 Thu 16-May-19 00:10:33

He has had her as a friend since they were both 16. He and I recently got together, 1yr relationship, known each other 2yrs.
So, tonight he’s in kitchen washing up and her name flashes up on his phone, a text. So I ask him the code to his phone as his ‘girlfriend’ has text (my ongoing joke name for her). He gives me a code but it doesn’t work - he’s given me the wrong code. He admits this. I say why give me wrong code? He says first it’s a joke then because he doesn’t want me seeing what he’s been searching for, a present for me apparently (😂). I shout ‘you b*** liar!’ Because I know he’s saying this as a cover - unfortunately he has a small issue with bending the truth somewhat.
Anyway, I go upstairs and he follows and starts sucking up mentioning engagement rings and the like. He says he doesn’t text her as much as he used to out of respect for me.
I end up saying I’m not happy about how you seem to not want me on your phone and I want to see your phone.
So we go back downstairs and he tries to distract me from his phone with cheesecake. Anyway I get the phone and demand he tells me the code and he types it in. So I look at the messages between them.
From her they are mainly responses to his questioning. She puts a single kiss at the end of her texts.
From him however the kind of thing that is said is:
You ok today my lovely xxx
You take it easy gorgeous one xxx
And similar texts of the like. There are not that many texts between them, about 5-10 a day. He seems to be the one that instigates the texting. (He can be a prolific texter and flirt sending up to about 50 texts daily - we used to do this before living together).
I ended up saying to him that I’m not comfortable with the flirty tone of the messages he is sending her. He says he’s like that with everyone and to be fair he does call everyone darling, lovely etc.
He accused me of being like his X who also had a problem with this women (way before I knew him) when she apparently discovered unscrupulous texts between them, accused him of having an affair, and consequently broke up her own friendship with the woman.
Also in his defence he says:
- she’s been going thru a rough time (poor health etc). I’ve heard that one before! From a previous boyfriend.
- he would be fine about it if I had a male best friend who I’d known for 15 years and text him in the same way
- if he was going to try and be with her he would have done it by now
- he denies fancying her but admits that if anyone saw the messages they’d think he was trying it on but get this, he’s actually not!
In my opinion, if he really wants to show respect for me and her partner for that matter (who he is mates with) he should tone down the flirtatious nature of the texts.
What really grates on me is how he describes her as his ‘best friend’ who has always been there for him
and would be there for him if anything happened between us I.e. break up or major relationship issues. He’s said to me he loves her before (but then as a friend), and loves me too well aren’t I the lucky one!?
Sigh. If you got to the end well done and I’d appreciate any feedback or advice xx

IronManisnotDead Thu 16-May-19 00:18:49

Grow up

Aridane Thu 16-May-19 00:23:32

I would have a problem with that too. No advice (1not sure why the 'gore up' comment)

EmptyChairsEmptyTables Thu 16-May-19 00:32:41

I think you’re both in the wrong. Him for continuing against your wishes and you for calling her his ‘girlfriend’.

I wonder if the friend is secretly in love with your dp and he uses her for an ego boost/narc supply and has done for some time. It doesn’t reflect well on him

LemonTT Thu 16-May-19 00:44:58

This is not how it is meant to be. If you are demanding his phone code then you don’t trust him. Nothing you have found or not found will make you trust him. You are supposed to be in a loving relationship not acting like a prison warden checking his mail. That’s not even getting into his dubious flirting reputation.

LemonTT Thu 16-May-19 00:45:24

This is not how it is meant to be. If you are demanding his phone code then you don’t trust him. Nothing you have found or not found will make you trust him. You are supposed to be in a loving relationship not acting like a prison warden checking his mail. That’s not even getting into his dubious flirting reputation.

RRJR Thu 16-May-19 01:32:59

He has no respect for you

Nothing wrong with having female friends but texting them calling them gorgeous etc is crossing the line. You just don’t do that when you’ve got a partner!

You say he’s a flirt and he also texts this girl calling her gorgeous etc. Why are you with him? You don’t trust him (I wouldn’t either) and in all honesty I don’t think this girl is the problem. The problem is your partner.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 16-May-19 01:36:50

Doesn’t the famous phrase “This relationship is a little bit crowded” come to mind at all?
Dump him, sharpish.

CallItLoneliness Thu 16-May-19 01:49:33

You aren't with some ideal of a man, you are with HIM and this woman is a part of his life and has been for many years. That not working for you doesn't make you a bad person, but it also doesn't make him a bad person. It may, however, mean you are not right for each other. He has already changed his interactions with her to make you more comfortable, which shows there is room for this to move, but if it needs to change you need to own that a bit--and be prepared for the fact he might say no.

To be honest, I think your relationship is dead in the water. He is probably lying to you because you give him hassle about this, and you give him hassle because he lies--vicious cycle. Lots of folks on MN will tell you his actions are inappropriate blahblahblah. I don't buy into a single model of relationships, so I don't think the situation is a priori wrong, but it is wrong for YOU. You can only control your own behaviour, so what are you going to do about it?

MrMeSeeks Thu 16-May-19 01:58:10

I’ve had male friends who may text me with Heya gorgeous/beautiful,
(never dated, and they’ve addresses their other female mates same way.
You can say to him the way he talks makes you feel uncomfortable but the others yabu.
Why can’t she be his best friend? What’s wrong with that?
The way you are with him is massively controlling.
I wouldn't be handing my phone over if my dh had addressed me the way you had.

memaymamo Thu 16-May-19 02:25:34

Too much drama. I would back away, he's probably not going to change.

NameChangeNugget Thu 16-May-19 07:29:42

If be hiding detail from you if am innocent friendship that predates you, was getting this much scrutiny. If it bothers you, end it, if not suck it up buttercup.
Just flip this, how you feel if he was policing your relationship with a Male friend??

popsadaisy Thu 16-May-19 07:35:43

I'd be pretty pissed off about all of this too tbh! You've done what I would advise and spoken to him about the way you are feeling so I'm not sure what else you can do now. I don't think it's worth breaking up over mind. It's a tricky one!!

booboo24 Thu 16-May-19 07:37:48

I can't see anything wrong with his friendship, they've been friends forever, if something was going to happen they've had plenty of time. My best friend is also a guy I know from secondary school, we are now in our early forties, there has never been an ounce of anything more, we are genuinely like brother and sister.

I think you 'demanding' his phone code was awful, and to be fair to him he showed you his phone when he really didn't have to. Have you met her? If not maybe you should, it might put your mind at ease. I'd also stop referring to her as his girlfriend, it makes you look bitter and jealous and I doubt that's attractive, you might also put the idea in his head!

Ultimately she's a fixture in his life and has been for most of his adult life, you have only been there for a year or so, and so in his shoes if it came to ultimatum time, i'd pick friendship at this point and I'd see you as controlling. I'm really sorry, I'm not saying that to be nasty, just trying to make you see that (in my opinion) he's not done anything wrong, and nor has she, but you'll drive him away if you carry on like this.

TakenForSlanted Thu 16-May-19 07:54:26

You aren't with some ideal of a man, you are with HIM and this woman is a part of his life and has been for many years.

This!

I was in the opposite position, so to speak: my ex husband was insanely jealous of my male BFF, whom I loved dearly and had been close to since our school days. He used to take this to extreme lengths, too, such as calling my phone every 10 minutes when I was meeting my friend, insisting I meet him at our home with him sat in the room, demanding to read our mutual texts ...

The obvious thing happened: BFF showed up with a van for my stuff the day I finally walked out on my controlling (in other ways, too) husband. We're still close (and I get along just fine with the wife he's acquired in the meantime). Husband is an ex.

Coming between your SO and their long-standing friendships is a no-go, sorry OP. Friends are the people who'll buy you more wine when your relationship with a jealo7s partner inevitably goes south.

ShatnersWig Thu 16-May-19 08:15:10

I'm a man with more female friends than male. My best friend is female. The first person I introduced my previous partner to was my best friend. All fine. Until best friend's boyfriend of five years dumped her. Then my partner took against her and made sly little digs and tried to say I could no longer see my best friend unless she (my partner) was present.

Suffice it to say my previous partner is my ex, my best friend is still my best friend, and we've still not slept together despite it being 9 years since I dumped my ex.

MsPavlichenko Thu 16-May-19 08:27:50

What is his " small issue with bending the truth somewhat? " Do you mean he lies to you , and not just about his mobile code ? That will be a problem.

ChristmasArmadillo Thu 16-May-19 14:09:09

If I were dating someone who was too insecure to handle the fact that my lifelong best friend was male, I would’ve dropped them immediately. End the relationship OP, life is too short for this kind of drama.

Musti Thu 16-May-19 14:19:06

What's your problem?? Theyve been friends forever and aren't together. He's loving towards her like I am with my friends and he can be like that because they both know that they're just friends.

RantyAnty Thu 16-May-19 14:20:17

I have to wonder if he has always fancied her but she has always thought of him as a friend?

How does her DP feel about the friendship?

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 16-May-19 14:28:55

You’re very casual about him having a problem with the truth. That’s not normal OP and you don’t have to settle for it.

Do you think this woman is a symptom of not trusting him in general? At the point that you’re checking his phone the dynamic is off anyway.

And what’s the stuff about trying to lead you on about engagement rings?

ChristmasFluff Thu 16-May-19 16:10:32

Dead relationship You don't trust him, and probably with good reason as you say he is a liar - saying he 'bends the truth' doesn't change the fact.

Not to mention that he's totally managing you down (google it), with that stuff about the other girlfriends

So, do you want to be in a relationship with a liar that you do not trust?

His friend is totally secondary. If it wasn't her, it would eventually be someone else.

HeckyPeck Thu 16-May-19 16:54:04

So, do you want to be in a relationship with a liar that you do not trust?

That’s what it boils down to to me. And why would you trust a liar?

necesitodormirahora Thu 16-May-19 16:57:35

He has form for this he did this with his X. I would personally end the relationship. Having female friends is fine. Heck even having a female best friend is fine but nobody literally nobody talks for a pure friend like that.

Haffiana Thu 16-May-19 17:04:24

I am amazed he hasn't dumped you and found a proper grown up to have a mutually respectful relationship with.

You're the problem. You're jealous of his oldest friend.

If they were going to be together, they would have been by now.

It isn't okay to demand access to his phone.

It isn't okay to call her his 'girlfriend' like this. You say it's a joke, but as you obviously have a problem with her, it isn't a joke. It's emotionally manipulative.

He can be friends with whomever he likes. It is not okay for you to try and undermine his oldest friendship. To be honest, anyone who tried with me what you do would be out on their ear straight away.

UnicornDaisy Thu 16-May-19 17:11:55

Ultimately you either trust him or you don't. I have never and will never look at my DH's phone and he never looks at mine. We both have friends of the other gender who we regularly text.

I think you are being ridiculous for demanding to see his phone and don't see why he should need to tone down his friendship for you. He's probably being weird about it because he knows how you'll react. If you couldn't hack it you should have walked away a long time ago.

Divebar Thu 16-May-19 19:45:55

What gives you the right to demand the code to his phone. ?

Itstartedinbarcelona Thu 16-May-19 20:05:50

I agree with you op, calling her lovey and gorgeous is flirtatious. Some people may find it acceptable but you draw your own boundaries. In my experience the men who use these terms widely have a propensity to cheat.

LoveB Thu 16-May-19 20:11:42

Get rid, you deserve better, you deserve his undivided attention. Fine to have a female best friend, not fine to be texting her 5 times a day (that is a lot!) especially with all the kisses and whatever. Weird. I repeat, get rid.

Myoldtable Thu 16-May-19 20:29:30

I wouldn’t like it. Also you have been together a year and you haven’t mentioned meeting her yet. It is interesting that this issue broke up his previous relationship. It is getting in the way and that’s the issue.

SignedUpJust4This Thu 16-May-19 20:34:23

I know it's a sexist generalisation but in my experience most men are crap at maintaining friendships even with men. They rarely manage to maintain a friendship with a woman unless they are actually hoping for something more. Get rid.

I have a friend who has been my friend since school. He got drunk at my 30th bday celebrations and confessed he loved me. I felt really angry - like his whole friendship was fake. I know that's probably the wrong way to feel. Maybe your bloke is in love with this 'friend' and she enjoys keeping him as a back up.

Mollie3 Fri 17-May-19 07:39:07

Hi everyone thanks for your responses!
It’s interesting to read how some of you think he’s in the wrong whereas others think I am. I can understand that from the situation that went down (as described in my post) we were both wrong in a way. I haven’t really brought the issue back up with him but I feel like I really want to just to clear the air really and establish some (necessary?) boundaries. The last thing I want to be doing is policing his phone as this will be impossible anyway, but on the other hand I don’t want to be a push over or leave the issue alone just for an easy life - I have some self respect! Men are like 2 year olds in a way if you tell them not to do something... which is why I’m a bit wary of putting restraints on his text demeanour to her. But there needs to be some sort of limit as to what is appropriate surely.
I’ll stop calling her his girlfriend.
Yes I have had my suspicions about him and/or her being ‘in love’. In the past, in texts between them that his X discovered, they were saying to each other how if things had been different perhaps they would have got together when young, and they love each other - like brother and sister! (A colourful add-on there from him? NB this is just a story I have heard from him).
Perhaps the ‘love’ is just one-way and that is why nothing happened in past as one of them (her I guess) wouldn’t let it happen.
I do agree that what he has been texting is disrespectful to me, plus the balls about presents to try and pacify me into bring a good little girlfriend and shutting up. But me demanding the phone etc is disrespectful to him also. It is indeed a tricky one.

ShatnersWig Fri 17-May-19 07:51:52

Men are like 2 year olds in a way if you tell them not to do something

Sorry, what?

Mollie3 Fri 17-May-19 07:55:35

Oh and just to add I’ve met her a few times yes.
I agree if it wasn’t her it would probably eventually be someone else being graced with his overbearing texts.
He is the type who likes to try and ‘look after’ people, her included. He has a flirty personality which I don’t want to try and quash as this is just him. I don’t want to be that controlling woman as I agree it is not attractive. But I do want there to be appropriate boundaries in our relationship and a mutual respect.
Just to add, he has to be in contact with his X as they have a 7 year old. But he never sends her kiss/es in texts as he doesn’t want to ‘give her the wrong impression’ 🧐 So contradictory. He justifies this juxtaposition by saying him and friend woman are just friends and never been in a relationship so it doesn’t matter or it’s different.

NameChangeNugget Fri 17-May-19 07:58:07

OP, it’s not a tricky one. You’re being hard work.

And to call the 3.5 billion men on the planet, 2 year olds is ridiculous.

If this isn’t working with your boyfriend, end it.

memaymamo Fri 17-May-19 07:59:28

* He has a flirty personality which I don’t want to try and quash as this is just him. I don’t want to be that controlling woman as I agree it is not attractive. But I do want there to be appropriate boundaries in our relationship and a mutual respect.*

I honestly think you just don't sound suited. Flirty, charming men can be decent and faithful but they don't tend to get along well with partners who are slightly suspicious and sensitive to those things by nature.

Scott72 Fri 17-May-19 08:00:00

"Sorry, what?"
Agreed. Double standard here. Husband orders wife to do something, he's abusive. Wife orders husband to do something, that's just amusing, and if he gets upset, then he's an immature silly-billy.

JeezOhGeeWhizz Fri 17-May-19 08:01:59

Dump him.
Leave them to it.

kidsmakesomuchwashing Fri 17-May-19 08:03:16

I have Male close friends (my DH knows them and is friends with them too) we often text and use language like hi lovely/ gorgeous etc but my DH knows and he reads the messages etc. Maybe it helps because friend is also married etc and know his wife etc.

ShatnersWig Fri 17-May-19 08:08:57

A baby is being brought into this "relationship" in August.

AlexaShutUp Fri 17-May-19 08:14:00

OP, you sound very suspicious and untrusting. I don't think I could be with someone who demanded to see my phone. Surely he can be friends with whoever he likes? It doesn't sound like there is any evidence to suggest that there is more to it than friendship. And as your DH said, if they wanted to be together, you'd think they'd have got there by now.

Solid relationships are built on trust. You clearly don't trust him for whatever reason. I think the relationship is doomed.

64632K Fri 17-May-19 08:27:12

Sorry OP but your attitude towards their friendship speaks volumes about your trust issues with him. My best friend is male, we have been best friends for 21 years now, he got married about 10 years ago, his wife understands that we have been very close for a long time and have a deep love for each other. We have met, she knows he has a flirty natute but that means nothing, if we wanted to be together we had enough time before he was married. She calls me sometimes when he has pissed her off just to get some back up. I also got married 2 years ago, he was at my wedding, DH is fine with our friendship too. Never asked to see my phone or texts, neither DPs have an issue with us meeting up. Its called being an adult.

Gigglinghysterically Fri 17-May-19 08:46:43

"unfortunately he has a small issue with bending the truth somewhat.'
I wouldn't want to be with someone who lies at all. So, as you know he lies when it suits his purpose and he doesn't want you to have access to his phone, then does that sound like he is trustworthy?

My DH usually leaves his phone around yet I would never look at his messages. I assume it is because you know he lies that you feel more insecure and want to see the type of messages they send each other. He isn't doing much to help you feel secure, is he?

RantyAnty Fri 17-May-19 10:12:23

Maybe he should tone it down a bit out of respect for you. He can still be friends with her. Does he seem the type that likes to have a triangle going?

Usually as a relationship progresses and couple start a family, friendships are toned down a bit as you're more focused on children, raising a family and such.

What are the lies you've caught him in and how does he feel about the pregnancy?

"Men are like 2 year olds"

No, actually they're not. I think this comment actually says a lot about your attitude. You don't respect men. As a result, you think you have the right to tell them what theh can and can't do. That's a very toxic attitude. You are unlikely tk have a healthy and mutually respectful & satisfying relationship with any man while you hold misandrist, bigoted attitudes about half of the people on the planet.

user1479305498 Fri 17-May-19 14:49:26

Those of you saying , 'well ive got a BMF' of many years standing and there is nothing going on, well that's 'you' , you are part of it, you know what conversations you have with them etc and that nothing is going on -- the problem is partners aren't usually part of this, all they see is a lot of texting, messages popping through and stuff like 'hello gorgeous.' it takes a very strong relationship and a great deal of trust not to feel a bit peeved about that, especially if its all the time and in all fairness Ive known few people who maintained that kind of 'over the top' friendship with women such as miserable Doreen from accounts, or boring Brian in sales .its usually with someone relatively attractive and fun-- and hence partners can feel a bit secondary. I do think people can have friends of both sexes, but if partnered up then I feel its good manners to not let it seem like a second marriage.

CallItLoneliness Sat 18-May-19 08:34:17

You talk about 'necessary boundaries' because you don't want to be a pushover. What about this situation would make you a pushover? That he has a female friend? that he's flirty with her? His friendship with her isn't about you. He might be willing to make some changes for you, but if he isn't that doesn't make him a bad guy. You knew about this friendship when you got together with him--did you think it would evaporate? This friendship is part of life with him. You don't get to pick and choose just the good bits, and if you can't handle his particular bad bits, then this isn't the relationship for you.

Icandothisallday Sat 18-May-19 11:09:50

I am sorry but you have no right to demand his passcode and read his messages.

He was friends before her. If you didnt want to be with someone who is a flirty and got a female best friend, then you shouldnt be with him. You dont get with him and then tell him it's all disrespectful to you.

The friend and how they talk to each predates you. If that's not the type of man you want to be with, that's fine. But it's not ok to get with them and then try and change it all.

My best friends husband is flirty. I couldnt be with that type of man. So I am not. It doesnt bother my best friend in the slightest.

If you posted saying your boyfriend and acted like you did, towards you most would be saying it's a red flag and to get out.

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