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Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

(1000 Posts)
DaffoDeffo Wed 15-May-19 19:52:47

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 09:35:56

@Notcoolmum you may be right, you've had doubts for awhile. But after following your story for awhile. Im also thinking are you just looking for something.

I personally wouldn't take that him not staying over as him not in it for the long haul. If I remember correctly he's not long been out his marriage has he (or am I confusing this)

Even if I got on with his kids, I'd actually feel awkward staying at someone's house with teenage kids there so early on. It would at least take me a lot to feel it's ok. (That's me personally tho).

I would def speak to him face to face. You'll get everything by his reaction. Text is so easy to bluff or read more in to it.

Hope that helps

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 09:36:48

Ha I'm the same sunshine. They are 12-18. But only just getting used to their parents being separated. I had an issue with them not knowing to start with. But I've come round the the idea that it's a shitstorm I'm happy not to be part of for now!!

I can understand him having reservations about getting his feet under the table and then is not working out. But it's making me feel shitty today sad

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 09:39:35

Thanks lifegoes. There is definitely some truth in me looking for things. I was an inadvertent OW for years and i feel like such a fool. There were loads of red flags but I ignored them all and I ended up devastated and utterly heartbroken. And put my kids through another break up. I don't want to ignore red flags this time and then have it all blow up in my face, knowing the signs were there all along.

CanIreallybebothered Thu 16-May-19 09:39:52

VWMan Your profile made me giggle - so each to their own.

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 09:43:52

Sunshine I know it wasn't intentional, your post just resonated quite a bit. I do feel guilty as she's been telling me how happy she is that it feels so natural and easy. And to be fair it does, but...
The last thing I want to do is upset anybody, but no there will be no leading her on. If I feel the same on Sunday then I'll talk to her then.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 09:53:23

I absolutely get that @Notcoolmum and it's understandable. But we will all have some red flags, some really bad some more amber. It's what you are willing to tolerate.

Keep checking in with us and we can all help determine if they are red flags or not. But one thing I will always say... your gut is often right 😘

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 09:53:28

notcool how much time has he spent with your kids? Do they know he's your BF?
I think I'd feel a bit awkward about staying over as well tbh. Partly because, well I'd be the bloke having sex with their mum which no kid wants to think about do they 🤣 and wanting to make sure that I was confident it was going to work out before giving kids that same impression.

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 10:01:13

Aw ant. You sound like such a lovely man. I feel sorry for Miss Oz as if you are as lovely in real life it's no wonder she's smitten. But best for all involved to end things now rather than string her along if you are still not feeling it when you meet up.

Yes he's met my kids and they like him and they know we are going out. They have no problems with him staying. They think it's a bit weird he doesn't already. But they wouldn't want him here all the time. In reality he'd be gone before they got up as I have exercise classes on a Saturday morning.

30somethingandsingle Thu 16-May-19 10:14:22

@Notcoolmum I agree, I think we all need an @Ant330 😂

I'm feeling a bit better than I did yesterday about things. I don't want to rush things but we are over 2 months on and if he sees us as 'casually dating' for the foreseeable... well that's not what I want and I'm going to be clear and tell him that. If he doesn't want more then so be it, back to swiping it will be after feeling sorry for myself for a couple of days.

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 10:16:51

That sounds the right thing to do 30something*

And the thread title has certainly captured the current mood!! 😱😂

TooOldForThis67 Thu 16-May-19 10:43:27

notcool - when I was seeing MrWow last yr, he didn't tell his kids or parents about me. That was a red flag for me. He was happy to stay over at mine but didn't interact with my son much. I waited 8mths for things to improve but they didn't. This time round everything is in the open and he's making more effort with my son, who likes him. So I do get how you are feeling. When I asked him why, he said I was the first date/relationship since splitting with his ex and he was scared and was holding back. I was holding back because I sensed he was! Crazy really. I'm so happy that we found each other again and are able to give it another go. I still haven't said the L word yet but I have on WhatsApp after a few drinks. I know I do but just can't get the words out of my mouth, so frustrating!

Chocolate123 Thu 16-May-19 10:54:56

@Notcoolmum one of the red flags I ignored was nobody knew about me except one of his friends. I didn't mind his kids not meeting me as they were younger but I think he should have told them. Also his parents didn't know which was probably one of the biggest things. He was in his 40's not a teenager!!

Chocolate123 Thu 16-May-19 10:56:44

@Ant330 the fact you've said it's easy and then a but means you definitely have reservations. Take the next few days to think it over and take it from there.

vwman Thu 16-May-19 11:26:16

30somethingandsingle I was wondering what Mr Fox thinks about when he wakes up? If I was smitten with you, you would be my first thought and I would lean over to my mobile and write a message such as:

"Really busy day today but I will be thinking about you"


"Just woke up wishing I could be holding you in my arms"

It always worries me about the word "try" as it gives someone a cop out if they are thinking they may not be able to do or be what you want.

Again I think it comes down to different personal values whereby communication may not be high on his list of importance, you are never crap at something that is important to you and is a core value.

vwman Thu 16-May-19 11:34:04

I would just like to say thank you for all the feedback on my ex profile, and your perception of me, even if it was negative which often is more valuable.

My profile was only supposed to be tongue in cheek, but now I can easily see how people might have interpreted it differently thinking that I was an arrogant man or having some other negative attribute and not wanting to initiate contact.

LilyRose88 Thu 16-May-19 11:36:53

@vwman I think we need to be careful about putting words into other peoples' mouths. Not everyone is good at being romantic in texts even if they are smitten with someone. It is good to know that you are on someone's mind but I feel uncomfortable about lovey-dovey texts and prefer to receive something warm and friendly like 'Good morning, hope you have a good day. Good luck with x and y today. Looking forward to seeing you tonight/tomorrow'. Equally I don't write lovey-dovey texts but that doesn't mean that I don't have feelings, I just prefer to express them face-to-face, even if I am totally smitten with someone.

I agree that it is important to talk about communication preferences, but if someone asked me to change my style of texting I'm not sure that I would find it very easy. I would of course listen to their concerns and try to find other ways of reassuring them.

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 16-May-19 11:42:53

I know it's early days with MrSAS but every night he sends me a goodnight message and when I wake up every morning the first thing i do is turn my alarm off on my phone and see a good morning message from him (he gets up really early for work).

When he goes out with friends he doesn't message me, which is fine as I know this and don't sit there expecting him to (nothing more annoying than being out with friends and them constantly on their phone) but he still sends a goodnight message when he gets home, even if he knows I won't see it until the morning.

I told him earlier that I wasn't feeling great emotionally today (family stuff) so he asked if I wanted to chat on the phone this afternoon. I told him I didn't want to make everything about me and my issues but he said there are times I will want to talk to you about stuff and it's not a problem at all. It's hard trying to break down the protective wall I have built around myself in the last 17 months since I separated from my exh but he is making me keep it very difficult!

vwman Thu 16-May-19 11:43:40

@LilyRose88 I get what you mean about semantics, and he may not write what I might write. But something like "Hi, how are you". It still is a matter of are you communicating or not and intention and what you think is important.

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 12:07:21

Yeh chocolate123 I tho k I'm in the same situation. Whereas all my friends and family know about him. He's met a couple of my friends, my kids etc.

sunshine mr SAS sounds lovely. Mr S texts me goodnight/good morning every day. Except for last night and this morning after I've shut him down...

30somethingandsingle Thu 16-May-19 12:18:28

@vwman he does message every morning, more along the lines of 'Good morning, hope you have a great day x' and when he knows I've got something important on or a particular thing is happening, he always messages about that and wishes me luck etc.

Interestingly, his previous relationships (after his exw) ended because the communication was crap and they just fizzled out...hmmm.

vwman Thu 16-May-19 12:40:59

@30somethingandsingle do you think the issue is that you need more passion in the communication?

Peanuthedz Thu 16-May-19 12:51:37

Communication is such an individual thing. I would hate to get lovey dovey messages like that. I also don't like getting good morning/good night messages. It makes me feel pressurised and suffocated. I like to be sent links or pix of relevant things.

@Ant330 I am prone to doing similar. Jumping in with both feet then back pedalling. I do however recognise it and now I just enjoy the feelings/hormones and don't plan too much ahead or take anything seriously!

The opposite seems to have happened with mr Unsuitable. I've reallycfallen for him quite hard. Which is a disaster. What was supposed to be something fun and novelty has turned into something more serious. For me anyway.

Crustaceans Thu 16-May-19 12:59:27

I think we’re all different about communication. But it’s no good if one person is feeling uncared for by another’s texting style (unless they’re properly unreasonably needy) or feeling swamped/suffocated by communication (again, unless they’re unreasonably uncommunicative).

It’s interesting that the lack of communication has been an issue in his previous relationships. That should indicate to him that he might be doing it wrong.

My ex used to always complain that I was uncontactable. He thought (and thinks) I should be attached to my phone at all times. I disagree. However, in hindsight, I find that I am much less likely to leave my phone in the bottom of my bag (on silent) or in another room if I might get a message from MrSG. So there probably was some element of just not wanting to communicate with my ex there too. 😂

Crustaceans Thu 16-May-19 13:02:16

Ah @Peanuthedz, it makes me smile when you refer to the MrUnsuitable situation as ‘a disaster’. How is he feeling (on the casual fun to falling for you disaster scale)?

BatshitCrazyWoman Thu 16-May-19 13:36:17

Bloody phone - just lost my post 😡

I'm going to Mr BCs house for the first time soon. He's a widower. I know he has photos of his late wife there - adult DC still live at home but won't be there when I go. They know about me, as do some of his friends, including couple friends. I thought I was fine about it - really want to see his house and meet his pets. However I suddenly had a thought - what if he has pics of his wife in the bedroom. Or all her clothes and make up are still there .... I couldn't cope with that 😕 I don't think I'd be able to go back. I am sensitive enough to know it's not my place to insist things are removed, and I have no intention of trying to insert myself into his life and 'take over- his wife's place. But feeling a bit shit and like I'm a 'consolation prize' 😕.

It isn't him making me feel like that btw, it's me. Counselling tonight so will talk it through ...

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