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Dating thread 159 - Should I Stay or Should I Go Now

(1000 Posts)
DaffoDeffo Wed 15-May-19 19:52:47

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 09:35:56

@Notcoolmum you may be right, you've had doubts for awhile. But after following your story for awhile. Im also thinking are you just looking for something.

I personally wouldn't take that him not staying over as him not in it for the long haul. If I remember correctly he's not long been out his marriage has he (or am I confusing this)

Even if I got on with his kids, I'd actually feel awkward staying at someone's house with teenage kids there so early on. It would at least take me a lot to feel it's ok. (That's me personally tho).

I would def speak to him face to face. You'll get everything by his reaction. Text is so easy to bluff or read more in to it.

Hope that helps

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 09:36:48

Ha I'm the same sunshine. They are 12-18. But only just getting used to their parents being separated. I had an issue with them not knowing to start with. But I've come round the the idea that it's a shitstorm I'm happy not to be part of for now!!

I can understand him having reservations about getting his feet under the table and then is not working out. But it's making me feel shitty today sad

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 09:39:35

Thanks lifegoes. There is definitely some truth in me looking for things. I was an inadvertent OW for years and i feel like such a fool. There were loads of red flags but I ignored them all and I ended up devastated and utterly heartbroken. And put my kids through another break up. I don't want to ignore red flags this time and then have it all blow up in my face, knowing the signs were there all along.

CanIreallybebothered Thu 16-May-19 09:39:52

VWMan Your profile made me giggle - so each to their own.

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 09:43:52

Sunshine I know it wasn't intentional, your post just resonated quite a bit. I do feel guilty as she's been telling me how happy she is that it feels so natural and easy. And to be fair it does, but...
The last thing I want to do is upset anybody, but no there will be no leading her on. If I feel the same on Sunday then I'll talk to her then.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 09:53:23

I absolutely get that @Notcoolmum and it's understandable. But we will all have some red flags, some really bad some more amber. It's what you are willing to tolerate.

Keep checking in with us and we can all help determine if they are red flags or not. But one thing I will always say... your gut is often right 😘

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 09:53:28

notcool how much time has he spent with your kids? Do they know he's your BF?
I think I'd feel a bit awkward about staying over as well tbh. Partly because, well I'd be the bloke having sex with their mum which no kid wants to think about do they 🤣 and wanting to make sure that I was confident it was going to work out before giving kids that same impression.

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 10:01:13

Aw ant. You sound like such a lovely man. I feel sorry for Miss Oz as if you are as lovely in real life it's no wonder she's smitten. But best for all involved to end things now rather than string her along if you are still not feeling it when you meet up.

Yes he's met my kids and they like him and they know we are going out. They have no problems with him staying. They think it's a bit weird he doesn't already. But they wouldn't want him here all the time. In reality he'd be gone before they got up as I have exercise classes on a Saturday morning.

30somethingandsingle Thu 16-May-19 10:14:22

@Notcoolmum I agree, I think we all need an @Ant330 😂

I'm feeling a bit better than I did yesterday about things. I don't want to rush things but we are over 2 months on and if he sees us as 'casually dating' for the foreseeable... well that's not what I want and I'm going to be clear and tell him that. If he doesn't want more then so be it, back to swiping it will be after feeling sorry for myself for a couple of days.

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 10:16:51

That sounds the right thing to do 30something*

And the thread title has certainly captured the current mood!! 😱😂

TooOldForThis67 Thu 16-May-19 10:43:27

notcool - when I was seeing MrWow last yr, he didn't tell his kids or parents about me. That was a red flag for me. He was happy to stay over at mine but didn't interact with my son much. I waited 8mths for things to improve but they didn't. This time round everything is in the open and he's making more effort with my son, who likes him. So I do get how you are feeling. When I asked him why, he said I was the first date/relationship since splitting with his ex and he was scared and was holding back. I was holding back because I sensed he was! Crazy really. I'm so happy that we found each other again and are able to give it another go. I still haven't said the L word yet but I have on WhatsApp after a few drinks. I know I do but just can't get the words out of my mouth, so frustrating!

Chocolate123 Thu 16-May-19 10:54:56

@Notcoolmum one of the red flags I ignored was nobody knew about me except one of his friends. I didn't mind his kids not meeting me as they were younger but I think he should have told them. Also his parents didn't know which was probably one of the biggest things. He was in his 40's not a teenager!!

Chocolate123 Thu 16-May-19 10:56:44

@Ant330 the fact you've said it's easy and then a but means you definitely have reservations. Take the next few days to think it over and take it from there.

vwman Thu 16-May-19 11:26:16

30somethingandsingle I was wondering what Mr Fox thinks about when he wakes up? If I was smitten with you, you would be my first thought and I would lean over to my mobile and write a message such as:

"Really busy day today but I will be thinking about you"

or

"Just woke up wishing I could be holding you in my arms"

It always worries me about the word "try" as it gives someone a cop out if they are thinking they may not be able to do or be what you want.

Again I think it comes down to different personal values whereby communication may not be high on his list of importance, you are never crap at something that is important to you and is a core value.

vwman Thu 16-May-19 11:34:04

I would just like to say thank you for all the feedback on my ex profile, and your perception of me, even if it was negative which often is more valuable.

My profile was only supposed to be tongue in cheek, but now I can easily see how people might have interpreted it differently thinking that I was an arrogant man or having some other negative attribute and not wanting to initiate contact.

LilyRose88 Thu 16-May-19 11:36:53

@vwman I think we need to be careful about putting words into other peoples' mouths. Not everyone is good at being romantic in texts even if they are smitten with someone. It is good to know that you are on someone's mind but I feel uncomfortable about lovey-dovey texts and prefer to receive something warm and friendly like 'Good morning, hope you have a good day. Good luck with x and y today. Looking forward to seeing you tonight/tomorrow'. Equally I don't write lovey-dovey texts but that doesn't mean that I don't have feelings, I just prefer to express them face-to-face, even if I am totally smitten with someone.

I agree that it is important to talk about communication preferences, but if someone asked me to change my style of texting I'm not sure that I would find it very easy. I would of course listen to their concerns and try to find other ways of reassuring them.

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 16-May-19 11:42:53

I know it's early days with MrSAS but every night he sends me a goodnight message and when I wake up every morning the first thing i do is turn my alarm off on my phone and see a good morning message from him (he gets up really early for work).

When he goes out with friends he doesn't message me, which is fine as I know this and don't sit there expecting him to (nothing more annoying than being out with friends and them constantly on their phone) but he still sends a goodnight message when he gets home, even if he knows I won't see it until the morning.

I told him earlier that I wasn't feeling great emotionally today (family stuff) so he asked if I wanted to chat on the phone this afternoon. I told him I didn't want to make everything about me and my issues but he said there are times I will want to talk to you about stuff and it's not a problem at all. It's hard trying to break down the protective wall I have built around myself in the last 17 months since I separated from my exh but he is making me keep it very difficult!

vwman Thu 16-May-19 11:43:40

@LilyRose88 I get what you mean about semantics, and he may not write what I might write. But something like "Hi, how are you". It still is a matter of are you communicating or not and intention and what you think is important.

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 12:07:21

Yeh chocolate123 I tho k I'm in the same situation. Whereas all my friends and family know about him. He's met a couple of my friends, my kids etc.

sunshine mr SAS sounds lovely. Mr S texts me goodnight/good morning every day. Except for last night and this morning after I've shut him down...

30somethingandsingle Thu 16-May-19 12:18:28

@vwman he does message every morning, more along the lines of 'Good morning, hope you have a great day x' and when he knows I've got something important on or a particular thing is happening, he always messages about that and wishes me luck etc.

Interestingly, his previous relationships (after his exw) ended because the communication was crap and they just fizzled out...hmmm.

vwman Thu 16-May-19 12:40:59

@30somethingandsingle do you think the issue is that you need more passion in the communication?

Peanuthedz Thu 16-May-19 12:51:37

Communication is such an individual thing. I would hate to get lovey dovey messages like that. I also don't like getting good morning/good night messages. It makes me feel pressurised and suffocated. I like to be sent links or pix of relevant things.

@Ant330 I am prone to doing similar. Jumping in with both feet then back pedalling. I do however recognise it and now I just enjoy the feelings/hormones and don't plan too much ahead or take anything seriously!

The opposite seems to have happened with mr Unsuitable. I've reallycfallen for him quite hard. Which is a disaster. What was supposed to be something fun and novelty has turned into something more serious. For me anyway.

Crustaceans Thu 16-May-19 12:59:27

I think we’re all different about communication. But it’s no good if one person is feeling uncared for by another’s texting style (unless they’re properly unreasonably needy) or feeling swamped/suffocated by communication (again, unless they’re unreasonably uncommunicative).

It’s interesting that the lack of communication has been an issue in his previous relationships. That should indicate to him that he might be doing it wrong.

My ex used to always complain that I was uncontactable. He thought (and thinks) I should be attached to my phone at all times. I disagree. However, in hindsight, I find that I am much less likely to leave my phone in the bottom of my bag (on silent) or in another room if I might get a message from MrSG. So there probably was some element of just not wanting to communicate with my ex there too. 😂

Crustaceans Thu 16-May-19 13:02:16

Ah @Peanuthedz, it makes me smile when you refer to the MrUnsuitable situation as ‘a disaster’. How is he feeling (on the casual fun to falling for you disaster scale)?

BatshitCrazyWoman Thu 16-May-19 13:36:17

Bloody phone - just lost my post 😡

I'm going to Mr BCs house for the first time soon. He's a widower. I know he has photos of his late wife there - adult DC still live at home but won't be there when I go. They know about me, as do some of his friends, including couple friends. I thought I was fine about it - really want to see his house and meet his pets. However I suddenly had a thought - what if he has pics of his wife in the bedroom. Or all her clothes and make up are still there .... I couldn't cope with that 😕 I don't think I'd be able to go back. I am sensitive enough to know it's not my place to insist things are removed, and I have no intention of trying to insert myself into his life and 'take over- his wife's place. But feeling a bit shit and like I'm a 'consolation prize' 😕.

It isn't him making me feel like that btw, it's me. Counselling tonight so will talk it through ...

LilyRose88 Thu 16-May-19 13:46:30

Batshit how long ago did his wife pass away? I would find it difficult if there were any of her possessions in the bedroom too. I could cope with photos downstairs as he has adult DC who still live at home. It must be difficult to date a widower though, and I'm not sure how I would feel about it (which says a lot about me and my insecurities!)

My father did keep my Mum's things after she died, but (as far as I know) he did not ever have another relationship and they were both very elderly (in their 80s).

BatshitCrazyWoman Thu 16-May-19 14:00:59

She died 2 years ago. He otherwise seems to be in the right place to date.

I think I'll go and play it by ear - I won't go back to his house if he has her personal stuff in the bedroom ...

I'm too old and don't have time to waste feeling 'second best' in a relationship. As I said, entirely my issues ...

30somethingandsingle Thu 16-May-19 14:04:34

@vwman yes, to a degree. I feel like he's very kind and nice... but there is something lacking communication wise.

LilyRose88 Thu 16-May-19 14:20:45

Bathshit hopefully there won't be any of her things in the bedroom and you will have a lovely time.

vwman Thu 16-May-19 14:31:01

@30somethingandsingle you come across here as quite a passionate woman, does he know that he can match you in passion. He may be afraid of showing that side, or he simply might not be the right man.

I am a pretty passionate man, I would scare the shit out of some women, but others would be absolutely right for, but might need the green light before I felt confident enough to show that side of me.

30somethingandsingle Thu 16-May-19 14:39:21

@vwman yes I'm a very passionate person. He, it seems is just not that kind of person.

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 14:42:28

I hope the visit to mr BC's home goes well batshit 🤞

vwman Thu 16-May-19 14:53:00

@30somethingandsingle I have been in that situation of having to hold back on the passionate side, not being me, and not having a fulfilling relationship. All I can say is, there are men out there for you if you decide to end it with Mr Fox.

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 15:04:34

notcool I'm horrid IRL it's all an act 🤣
To be honest the circumstances for him staying sound fine from what you've described, maybe he's building it up to be something it's not - awkward conversation over cornflakes and coffee while he wonders if they could hear you last night 🤣
Maybe he just needs to do it once and get over it, or maybe there is more to it in terms of commitment like you said???
30 glad you're feeling better than yesterday, that sounds a sensible approach.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 15:04:37

Oh on the passionate side I actually really fall for a guy when he's passionate. I love the "good morning, good night" texts

I love hearing baby, sexy, sweetheart etc. I love them checking in on me.

I love feeling wanted. It's so bloody hot for me and if someone is cold. I'll kick them in to touch

30somethingandsingle Thu 16-May-19 15:11:26

@lifegoes your post...exactly that.
The more I think about it, the more I realise he is not the man for me. As sad as that makes me.

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 15:20:01

Aw 30something I'm sorry you feel that way. But if he knows other relationships have failed because of his communication style then it's really not just you and you aren't being unreasonable or needy. I would talk to him in person but if it's not making you happy...

I think the circumstances are fine ant or I wouldn't ask him. He feels uncomfortable and is saying he's worried about upsetting the kids. But as they don't care that's not a valid reason so there's something else he's not shared. Whether that's he feels like he's getting his feet under the table and he's not sure he wants them there or he feels it's somehow unfair on his own kids I'm not sure.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 15:20:50

@30somethingandsingle my prev two have been like that and because of that I ignored the red flags. Which was my own fault, and I really invested in them.

But I won't change what I want or need. There are def men like that, that will give us that.

I would still say talk to him, but you often know and if it's making you feel sad more than happy you know it's not right.

LilyRose88 Thu 16-May-19 15:23:15

@lifegoes its interesting how people can differ about what they like in a relationship. I do need to feel wanted and desired, and I like regular communication, but I feel a bit uncomfortable with openly romantic messages and statements. For some reason they make me shrink a little inside, if that makes sense. I need to be told that I am loved, and am happy to tell someone I love them, and I love kind gestures like flowers, having a meal cooked for me, a bath run for me and being given a massage or a foot rub. So I am not a total cold fish, but there is definitely something about me that dislikes the 'passionate' romantic messages. To be fair, I don't seem to end up in relationships where this is on offer, so I clearly know how to avoid this type of man, even though I am doing it subliminally.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 15:40:04

@LilyRose88 I think it shows how different two people can be and why certain people can match "on paper" but can't go any further.

I actually dislike romantic gestures, I old flowers etc but running my bath and trying to treat me would hit a nerve. I would feel smothered and lose my independence 😂😂

but for me it's the communication, I feel the want from knowing they are thinking about me and will openly tell me.

But this has left me open to love bombing and my ex's have all been controlling cheating dicks. So hey what do I know 🤷🏻‍♀️😂😂😂

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 15:45:43

Now on another note, this I don't like.

I've not been on OLD for over a week. I didn't delete my accounts just the app.

Today I've had a message on FB from guy who I thought I must know as we had mutual friends, he said the following..

Him: Hey you, how are you
Me: good you?
Him: really good now I've found you, I sent you a message on POF and I didn't hear back so I've found on you on here. I think you are 😍😍😍😍😍.

Me: BYE!

LilyRose88 Thu 16-May-19 15:47:03

@lifegoes Yes it does show how people can appear a perfect match but just not get on! I don't like being smothered either but I am happy to have someone do something nice for me, probably because I have been single most of my life and have not had a lot of experience of someone looking out for me. So it seems extra special if someone does it now. Maybe I would get fed up with it after a while grin.

I really don't like all those overly romantic cards and gifts that appear in the shops around Valentines Day - any poor man who bought me a teddy bear holding a love heart would be given very short shrift!

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 15:50:05

@LilyRose88 haha if anyone bought me a teddy or anything like that, I would run. RUN FAR AWAY

LilyRose88 Thu 16-May-19 15:51:30

@lifegoes it might be funny to watch the two of us shrieking in horror and running down the road while two hapless guys stand there holding teddy bears wondering where they went wrong grin

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 15:54:47

Ooh scary stalker lifegoes. Block!!

Also a no to heart bearing teddy bears from me. I was dreading what Mr S might have done for Valentine's Day. Thankfully he went for a nice mug (not tacky) and chocolates. I was a bit sniffy about the Tesco roses but I'm sure they were an afterthought anyway!!

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 16:01:18

@LilyRose88 blocked when he told me he lived near me. 👀👀

@Notcoolmum 🏃🏼‍♀️ 🏃🏼‍♀️

Sunshineandflipflops Thu 16-May-19 16:03:33

@lifegoes How did he know your name to search for you?!

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 16:21:59

Lifegoes I'd get yourself a taser as well, wierdo! "I know what to do, she's ignored me on POF so I shall stalk her, she'll be so impressed by my determination and initiative and want to be mine forever" 🤣

Teddy bears??? Surely they're just for 10 year old girls, what self respecting man buys one of those!!

shitwithsugaron Thu 16-May-19 16:28:06

Another one for whom overly romantic stuff doesn't wash. Life is not all hearts and flowers ffs. Having said that, Mr Bookworm has several really daft ways of letting me know he's thinking of me, it's usually a song link on YouTube or a gif. Which always makes me smile like a mad woman. I'd so much rather that than an overly wanky text message. And also, as we've said so many times on here before, actions speak so much louder than words for me. His actions are speaking loud and clear enough for me to have a pretty good idea of how he's feeling grin

We're starting a cooking course tonight at his place - what I mean by that is, I'm teaching him as he has no idea at all and in exchange he's going to either teach me to box or to play guitar hmm so he thinks!

kermitrulesok Thu 16-May-19 16:29:36

@lifegoes I'm the same with being called nice names...my original iron said 'good morning sexy pants' this morning which made me smile and was a good start to the day.

It's funny how we're all different but after the same thing and that's to be loved and to love in return.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 16:36:03

@Sunshineandflipflops well my first name is on POF. So I'm not even sure the rest. I'm more worried he found me and also knows where I live.

@Ant330 this is what worries me about OLD. At what point do you think that's ok?!

@kermitrulesok That would make me smile, I love things like that. It's just the smile you make when looking at the phone

Awwwww I want that!!

30somethingandsingle Thu 16-May-19 16:36:33

Don't get me wrong, I don't like over the top, and I definitely don't like teddy bears!!😂
But after years being married to an emotionless man and never feeling loved, I now feel ready for the next step rather than casual dating. I want 'hearts and flowers' and a man not afraid to show that he is excited to see me, a man that will wrap me up in his arms when he sees me and someone that will make feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

Hmm, reading that back... am I dreaming of a fairytale?
I feel a bit mean and unfair writing that. When I'm with MrFox he makes me feel amazing, like nothing else matters. He's kind and gentle and tactile and well...any reservations I have disappear when I'm actually with him...

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 16:41:05

@30somethingandsingle I don't think it's the fairytale I think it's good to know exactly what you want. A man who can show you his feelings is a winner for me. (Just don't with teddy bears, or over the top gestures.

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 16:45:48

I shouldn't worry too much lifegoes I'd suggest that any man who thinks that's socially acceptable rarely gets dressed to step out of the bedroom he rents from his mum.
30 I feel for you, what a dilemma, it's like you're dating two different men! I think just be honest with him, tell him how great he makes you feel when you're together, and the opposite when you're apart.
My worry is that you've told him this already and maybe he just doesn't have it in him. In which case you need to decide if how he makes you feel when you're together is enough.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 16:46:55

I'm still taking my break from OLD @Ant330 my heart is just not in to at the min.

shitwithsugaron Thu 16-May-19 16:55:22

No 30 it's not a fairytale you're after, so don't think that. I think some men (and women!) are wired that way and some aren't. And it's about finding someone with the same wiring as you, to wrap you in their arms as if they haven't seen you for years when actually it's been 2 days grin it's important you don't lose sight of what's important to you and what you want, and if Mr Fox isn't giving you exactly that, it's time to say bye.

shitwithsugaron Thu 16-May-19 16:56:46

Oh and I forgot to update a very important and earth shattering development from Mr Bookworm, more than a drawer or a key or the l word...he's asked me to go to Ikea with him over the bank holiday weekend 😍

TooOldForThis67 Thu 16-May-19 17:02:03

Wow shitwith - a man who actually wants to go to Ikea, and he's chosen you. Forget teddy bears!

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 17:03:37

lifegoes sounds sensible at the moment, you'll know when you're ready again.

Mind you blokes like that are hardly going to convince you of what you're missing are they 🤣🤣

shitwith Ikea?? You've just trumped everybody, end the thread now because it doesn't get better than that 🤣

likeridingabike Thu 16-May-19 17:06:39

* Lifegoes* I had a note pushed through my door from a man I blocked on POF, iwe know each other from a hobby years ago.

vwman Thu 16-May-19 17:08:44

@30somethingandsingle Mr Fox has not found someone who is perfect for him either, he would be settling for less. The longer you carry on together the longer it will be before he finds his perfect woman.

HairyArsedMan Thu 16-May-19 17:10:13

If you can get round IKEA without a cross word, it's a love that will span centuries.

shitwithsugaron Thu 16-May-19 17:11:42

I know, I absolutely love Ikea so when he asked I was like FUCK YES my life is complete - a good looking, solvent, tall man (bit of salt and pepper in the beard and floppy bit of his fringe 🤤) that appears to fancy me back AND he loves Ikea too! Think of the crap I'll buy that I don't need. Knowing my luck he'll go off me before next weekend grin

30somethingandsingle Thu 16-May-19 17:27:17

@vwman why do you say that? Because he would act differently if he had?

vwman Thu 16-May-19 17:35:54

@30somethingandsingle he is saying he will try to change who he is to suit you. That is not him being authentic. There are plenty of women who would be very happy with what he can give, it doesn't matter that just two women are not happy with it.

To make him fit into a mold you prefer—that's tricky territory. A small change like wearing trousers rather than jeans is easy, but you are asking him to change who he is. There is nothing wrong with the way he is, but it is wrong for you.

ccgirr Thu 16-May-19 17:41:30

Wow sorry to hear so many people are having wobbles. The whole communication thing is a minefield these days. Definitely was an issue in my last relationship as I just didn’t feel secure. I’m not convinced mr races is the same as me either but it is very early days. Know I shouldn’t over invest and could potentially but talking to several people as it’s only been 3 dates but multi dating is just too complex for me so just going to have to try not to overinvest! 😳 I’m not good at that at all

shitwithsugaron Thu 16-May-19 17:46:35

I'm sorry 30 I agree with vwman (for once) there's nothing wrong with either one of you, just that you are who you are, and what each of you wants is perfectly fine. But the more you post, it's pretty clear that neither of you is quite right for the other, does that make sense?

Crustaceans Thu 16-May-19 17:59:27

Ooh a trip to ikea @shitwithsugaron. That’s possibly more significant than a proposal 😂.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 18:05:26

Saw this and thought how very apt

Notcoolmum Thu 16-May-19 18:06:29

Ha shitwith Mr S said he'd be happy to go to ikea with me. We have never actually done it!!

I don't agree with vwman (no surprise) 30something* relationships are about compromise. You get along great when you are together but feel things are lacking when you are apart. I'm sure you could compromise on how much communication you'd like and he can compromise by putting more effort in than he would normally do. This is the start of getting to know each other.

TooOldForThis67 Thu 16-May-19 18:22:55

Well said notcool. That's what I've been thinking, compromise. 30something - everything is fine when you are together. Please don't write him off yet if this communication thing is the only issue. A frank and honest discussion face to face is needed. Only you can decide.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 18:28:44

I do agree with compromise and then is asking someone to do and be someone they aren't. Which generally means, they will try but eventually go back. The compromise has to be if you are happy to tolerate that.

Sidge Thu 16-May-19 18:33:35

@shitwithsugaron that’s so funny! Mr Mystery and I actually had two Ikea dates, and joked that if you can get round Ikea without an argument you’re set for life! (That obviously didn’t work out true for me but I liked the philosophy 🤣)

TooOldForThis67 Thu 16-May-19 18:39:44

lifegoes - it doesn't take long for something to become a habit.

SimonJT Thu 16-May-19 18:48:36

@shitwithsugaron large portion of meatballs?

I had lunch with MrNoName today (he works on the same road), was going alright until we got called poofters (I haven’t heard that one for a while, so it did make a change to fag). I had a pint and then wondered if I’m actually allowed to drink when I have to go back to work.

I’ve never done tinder etc but he has, so he let me have a go on his phone, some were very ‘interesting’ lets say and obviously not worried about someone they know seeing their profile!

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 18:54:17

@TooOldForThis67 you are asking someone to change who they are and how they act (regarding communication) that's not compromise.

I'm with 30 I love communication and I need lots of it, and to feel wanted.

But if that's not who that person is, who am I to ask them to change that to suit my needs?

TooOldForThis67 Thu 16-May-19 18:55:54

SimonJT - was this a first date? Am so ashamed of the attitudes of people sometimes, I hope it didn't spoil things for you.

HairyArsedMan Thu 16-May-19 18:57:19

Depends @lifegoes ... If they were unaware that their messaging was not reflecting how they actually felt they might be minded to be their authentic selves and act on that feedback.

30somethingandsingle Thu 16-May-19 19:01:30

To be honest it's not just about the communication.
He has said he is happy where we are with 'casually dating'. I want more than that confused

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 19:04:35

@HairyArsedMan I do agree with chatting about it. Which is what I've said quite a few times now regarding that situation.

But from experience asking someone to text more, be more loving in their texts etc. Just added more pressure as it's not who they are as a person.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 19:06:16

@30somethingandsingle I still think with your situation (and it's exactly what I said last night.

You need to figure out what YOU exactly want from him. Then you need to chat face to face. I think as you get along better that way, it'll be better for you discuss. But you must be honest with him and not worry that saying the wrong thing will frighten him off.

HairyArsedMan Thu 16-May-19 19:07:30

In other news, closed down my dating profiles and cancelled subs. Not in a fit of pique but just because it was getting too much. I didn't want to feel like I was leaving women hanging and it was getting me down having to say no thanks (even infrequently) and it felt like my profile was wasting others time.

Bigfanofcheese Thu 16-May-19 19:32:23

Hi all, whilst in the midst of some hardcore procrastination, I'm just looking back over a 2 month relationship last year. Met OLD, started really well but he seemed to palpably lose interest around the time we slept together after 4 or 5 dates although we saw each other for another month before he broke it off citing the distance and his working hours.

We lived about 2 hours apart so dates were only weekly. Just before we slept together for the first time, I asked him was anyone else on the scene. I wasnt pressuring him into a relationship but didnt really want to have sex if he was still seeing other people. I suppose it put him on the spot but I did this as I liked him a lot from very early on and the not knowing where I stood would've felt crappy.

Looking back, there were a few issues that mean I'm glad it didn't last, and I have met someone (reasonably early days) so I'm not hung up on this guy but I'm just wondering, was what i said really intense and off putting? I can handle the truth!!

Bigfanofcheese Thu 16-May-19 19:42:35

Suppose I am.wondering as whilst the guy I have been seeing is really handsome, kind, decent and good to me, we don't have anything like as much in common or a similar outlook as one or two I met previously (including the one mentioned above). I am trying to work out where I am going wrong with the ones I really hit it off with then fizzle out.

JeSuisPrest Thu 16-May-19 20:01:18

Evening all, just checking in to new thread after a fab 24 hrs with Mr Cornish. Our longest date so far...

So we talked about the elephant in the room pretty quickly - he called me a daft sod for thinking he'd be looking elsewhere when I'm the best thing since sliced bread (or words to that effect) which reassured me a lot, I apologised profusely for being a twat, he said if I wanted to talk about it he was happy to do that, we hugged it out and carried on as normal. He still thinks the therapy is overkill but we chatted about it a little this morning and he gets it now. I told him about the making myself more vulnerable aspect and trusting people to make the right decisions themselves, rather than trying me trying to control them. For me that was the first step in making myself vulnerable to him - admitting I had a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️. Waiting for my Brene Brown book to arrive- thank you to PP who recommended it.

Lovely evening, lazy morning, afternoon on the beach, cheesy chips and coffee at the pub. Perfect day. Dates lined up for Sat and Sunday. We definitely seem to be synching our brains - saying the same things at the same time etc. I've told him I've got custody of the joint brain until the weekend 😂

Like Lifegoes and 30something I absolutely need lots of validation and reassurance. I admit it. I'm a needy fucker. Fortunately for me, Mr Cornish is the same - I can't walk past him without being hugged, his messages are heartfelt and frequent, he's passionate, not afraid of PDA (within reason!). I checked our WhatsApp and we've sent nearly 3,000 messages in 6 weeks. Yeah, we like to talk 🙈😂

Sorry, a bit epic- off to read rest of thread now.

lifegoes Thu 16-May-19 20:11:04

@JeSuisPrest I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy for you 😘😘😘

WarIsPeace Thu 16-May-19 20:13:10

Oh dear JeSuis I've just looked at WA and we're on 4400 in about 8 weeks. We do chat a lot. Plus phone calls most days grin and we even see each other IRL too...
I'm not usually a big texter tbf

WarIsPeace Thu 16-May-19 20:17:12

And blush we use messenger quite a bit as well... Mostly so my ex doesn't see I'm online on WA

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 20:39:20

Posts to catch up on, but Simon I'm honestly gobsmacked in this day and age you still have to put up with that!
I know you must have built up such a thick skin to it by now, but honestly it's not acceptable and hopefully it's a minority view these days.
I need to go back and read the rest of your post to see how your date went but I feel the need to be indignant, wankers!!! 😤

Ant330 Thu 16-May-19 20:51:50

Simon whether you're allowed to drink at lunch or not I don't know, but I always find 1 lunchtime pint feels like 2-3 night time pints when you get back to work 😁
Jesuis great update, very pleased for you both!
30 "casual dating"?? Think he needs a bit of a reality check as to how long you've been dating and your expectations moving forwards.

DaffoDeffo Thu 16-May-19 20:53:09

How do you see how many WhatsApp messages you send?

simon I am appalled! Do you live in a big city? It really worries me that in this day and age people still make comments like this sad

DaffoDeffo Thu 16-May-19 20:54:55

30 sorry to hear you are where you are. It's a tough position figuring out whether your needs are being met or not but it sounds like you are fairly sure where you stand

DaffoDeffo Thu 16-May-19 20:57:12

bigfan I don't think there is anything wrong with asking someone before you sleep with them if they are seeing anyone else. Even if it wasn't from an emotional perspective, from a purely sexual health perspective it is better to know (condom or no condom!). So please don't blame yourself. I think it's a perfectly reasonable question.

CocoKoko123 Thu 16-May-19 21:01:39

daffo I just googled to find that and you go into WA settings,storage usage then click on the person and it tells you how many...just checked and I'm on just shy of 18,000 in 12 weeks!!😱
Still not feeling it and can feel I'm pulling away and he seems to be responding by being all needy-argh!

CocoKoko123 Thu 16-May-19 21:02:08

And simon just wanted to echo ants anger on your behalf

JeSuisPrest Thu 16-May-19 21:03:47

I just checked with Mr C - the messages are how many you've sent. Mine to him is nearly 3,000 him to me is 2800. He's slacking and promises to do better... His excuse is a picture says a thousand words and he's sent a lot of those as well 🙈😳

@DaffoDeffo Go into settings, then Data and Storage Usage, then Storage Usage, then click on the chat you want to view stats on.

CocoKoko123 Thu 16-May-19 21:08:58

jesuis oh god so that's just how many I've sent doesn't even include his to me?!!

DaffoDeffo Thu 16-May-19 21:11:13

Omg my message count is utterly utterly utterly ridiculous

I'm not sure when it started thoughblush

Can you only see when you started if you scroll back up?

30somethingandsingle Thu 16-May-19 21:26:38

@Ant330 Good to hear a male perspective on that side of things. I was wondering if I was expecting too much wanting more than casual dating after this time.

@JeSuisPrest so pleased for you 😁

JeSuisPrest Thu 16-May-19 21:26:57

@DaffoDeffo I don't know how to get to the top of the message screen with a shortcut. I remembered quite an obscure word I used when I started messaging Mr Cornish and put that in the search option. This took me fairly close to the start, then I scrolled back to the start and saved the first message so I can always start from the beginning if I want to read our old messages 🤮

Yes, @CocoKoko123 just your messages... 🙈😂

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